Forty and freaked about being fat. I had my LapBand placed April 20, 2009. On my Bandiversary one year later-April 20, 2010- I had all of my excess skin surgically removed. I am starting this decade of my life much healthier and happier.
Blogging is no longer my thing- obviously. I started blogging to help my brain- weight loss for me was/is in my head much more than around my stomach. I needed a place to write all the crazy in my head- and get rational feedback from other people. Blogging accomplished what I needed it to do. When I first started, I always wondered- actually worried- why would anyone stop? I can't speak for others, but for me... my time is now being used for living life. I used to spend ALOT of time blogging- probably an hour a day (on a "quick" day) and usually more.
I used to be concerned that people stopped blogging because they gained weight. I am happy to report that is NOT the case for me. I stopped losing weight around 170 lbs, and held that for a couple of years. Currently I'm at 163 lbs- just living- change that - ENJOYING living. I do belong to a gym, and work out, for fun- only when I want to. I also have started eating healthy foods, by choice, not because I'm feeling guilty. Anyone who knows me knows that I will not give up any food I like- and that I love food. I just eat less. Oh, and I changed my nightly mini-sized ice cream cone to a full sized one. :)
Work is great. Family is non-stressful (believe it or not!)- but as eventful as ever. I go out all of the time. I've started traveling with friends and having some amazing adventures- which if Idecide to blogagain wouldbe whatI'dwrite about. I started to blog to be at peace with food, and now I'm at peace with my entire life. Nice.
So that's it- my glorious update. I honestly think about you often, my blogging friends. I may start sneaking quick peaks to see "what's up", because I really do wonder. I probably wouldn't recognize half of the community with so many new people- but that's a fabulous thing. I still appreciate every day all of the support that I received, and am certain it's happening as strongly as ever for the newbies. And to them I would say- lapbands can work, blogging does work, and there is a wonderful life waiting for you, which is actually starting right where you are.
Not everything is perfect, but I am finally at a place in my life where I have learned to focus on happiness. Alot of credit goes to me- but lots also goes elsewhere.... my band, Mr. W, therapy, and good friends. My life IS better not fat and that is the honest truth. I say all this not to be boastful, but because I am so grateful. I am chubby- size 12 is not skinny. But I feel wonderful even though I NEVER MADE IT TO GOAL.
We were at a party with some friends last night. I was talking with two girlfriends who are way thinner than me. They work out tons and watch everything they eat. They avoid bread and desserts, not just in day to day life, but always. And you know what? I think it's crazy!!!
This is where I am grateful for my band. I CAN eat half of a breadstick, or a bite of raspberry cream tart- and NOT lose control. And you know what else? I didn't feel any less attractive or sexy because I'm two sizes larger than they are.
There was a time when I would have been upset with myself for not reaching goal or be embarrassed because I have cellulite on my thighs. But HELL! I don't weigh 300 lbs and a woman in her forties is entitled to a non-perfect body! Especially because it means I can enjoy food. Did I mention I am so grateful???
I am two and a half years out from my band surgery and my band is STILL working for me. The Mirena weight is off- my weight has been stable enough for a week that I'm ready to call it good. It took me since the beginning of October. I lost about one pound per week. At first, I counted protein and calories. Now, I'm just following band rules. I eat protein first. We eat out every day- I'm back to skipping ordering if I'm not hungry, and saving or throwing away at least half of my meal. It's worth it! I couldn't do that without help from my band.
I am learning to enjoy the here and now and am creating my own life. It has been a struggle for me to finally to discover all of this- and as frustrating as it is that it took me so long, I am so grateful to finally be here in this moment.
Ahhhh. It felt so good tonight to go catch up on blog reading. I've been MIA because things have been so good, not bad (in case you were worried). My work is AWESOME- I'm in a really great project, and have not had any regrets about leaving my high paying, yet dignity prostituting job. Who knew telling someone to stick it could feel SO DAMN GOOD???
We've been doing alot socially, which is why I haven't had time even on the weekends for blogging pleasure. Last weekend we had our annual Holloween party. I was Nicki Minaj and Mr. W was Lil Wayne- from the song "Knock Out". It was fun tramping it up, because isn't that what Holloween is all about? Mr. W looked sexy in his dreads and grill. Did I take pics? Maybe two- maybe I'll see if they are ok, and post. Don't hold your breath (I still have my picture issue).
So, I'll get to the point of why we are all here: weight gain. I have stated this previously, but in case you missed it- the reason I got weight loss surgery wasn't to lose weight, but to keep it off. I've been comfortable in the low-mid 170's for well over a year. No real work whatsoever at the maintenance phase.
When I was actively losing, I did count protein and calories (since I was there anyway), drank gobs of water, and weighed myself every day. The band was one of my weight loss tools. It augmented the other tools I was utilizing by helping me to recognize full signals and appropriate portion sizes.
And that's what I wanted out of my band in the maintenance phase- just a reminder of what's a "normal" way of eating (for me, which is another post in itself).
With the weight I've gained from the Mirena- it's caused me to actually have to focus on my weight and utilize other tools besides what the band can offer me in my quest. I've "almost" lost the Mirena pounds twice now. But, I have to journal what I'm eating. I weigh myself. And exercise- which I really only want to do for fun and not for weight loss, because for me that's not maintainable. I go through exercise periods, but it's never constant, and not the most reliable way of keeping weight off from my personal experience.
THE BIGGEST THING I'VE LEARNED ABOUT WEIGHT GAIN IS THIS: NOT TO BE AFRAID OF FOOD. Blogging has been where I've worked out my relationship with food. It's brain fucking to have your body reward you for over eating chemically, and then in another part of your brain feel intense loss of control and guilt. All at the same time. WTF?
So, with the lapband- I will eat yumminess, because I want to enjoy my life. I now eat yumminess responsibly! Sometimes it's saving calories. I'm not a daytime eater, so it's no biggie for me to eat less during the day, if I know I'm going to want to drink or eat something special that evening. Often times, it's portion control- a few slow savoring bites are every bit as rewarding in the brain as a pig out- without triggering the guilt portion of the brain. It's genious, no?
And, in all honesty- if the band doesn't work for me (it is supposed to be doing some work, too)- then I will not hesitate to pursue further weight loss surgery options. There seem to be so many things stacked against me in the obesity battle, that I'm willing to do what it takes on my end, to level the playing field.
I have lost my weight- at least to the point where I'm happy- 170's, size 12. I still weigh myself almost every day. When my weight goes up- I track protein and calories. It looks like I will never be one of those people who don't need to watch or be careful when it comes to their weight.
Our weights are always going to fluctuate. Our brains and fat cells are programmed with our obesity patterns. But, just like with any chronic illness- it can be managed. Even though I've been spoiled with a year of not having to watch what I'm eating, I'm willing to do it (again and forever) if necessary (damn you Mirena). I'm not cured of this disease, but my quality of life is very high.
I could go on here, but I did take my Ambien, and that often ends strangely here on my blog. My point is, let's stick together. I was reading tonight more than a few of us who are out 2 or so years worried about being a statistic. There are reasonable options for us, but we need to be realistic about where an obtainable AND maintainable place is for us to be. I'm wondering if we need to define success more accurately?
Thanks for the welcome back. It's funny because I randomly think about blogging friends, mostly during day to day activities. I should start a log and post THAT. I am so glad I quite that job. So many little things and many you can only find out during unusual circumstances (aka "my life story").
Quick post tonight. I was officially hired at my old job. I've got a couple of weeks off, HR can't get everything together until that very first week in October. I have a two week vacation!
Since I do have time, I'm flying out to my parents house in Maryland on Thursday and taking my 6 year old as a birthday present. The town's fallfest is this weekend- parades, rides, food, you name it. Looks like it's supposed to rain. Booo. We'll still find plenty to do. I would really like to take him to the Smithsonian.
Since I also have time, I'm going to go get this thing that just recently popped up on my face looked at. I think it is a basal cell carcinoma. 3/10 people get it, and it has a 99% cure rate. There's probably a few people reading this that no more than I do about the subject.
Oh, I forgot to mention LEFT HAND. Did anyone else see the article on CNN today? If you eat with your nondominate hand, you will eat 30% less food. If it's something you're really not that crazy about eating (stale popcorn was the example given)- you could eat up to 60% less.
Things are right for us. We been having lots of "perfect moments". Kinda nice, wish it would stay like this, it's the way life should be. I'll enjoy it while I have it...
I have been working extremely hard during the past month at my new job. Learning lots! The traveling has not been as bad as I was dreading. My family was getting along reasonably well. Everything was coming along as expected. Until Friday afternoon. I won't bore anyone with the details, but I was put in a no win situation by my boss. There were completely false lines being drawn. When I offered my input, I was honestly told to not speak to her that way, and that I was being defensive and kept interrupting. Ok. Obviously this person does not know me. At all. It was made very clear that she was not interested in hearing anything other than what she had already made up in her mind. The lines of two way communication and direct problem solving were slammed shut. Hard.
This interaction blew the wind right out of my sails. My learning curve has been moving along quickly, and I found lots of enjoyment in things that I was told I would not like. I'm sure there's plenty of help and correction that could be given to me at this point. I'm tired and probably not explaining this well- but as Mr. W put it- I am willing to work too hard, and give too much- for anyone to treat me in such a condescending manner.
No money is worth it. Some of the most wealthy people I know, are also some of the most unhappy people I know. I do not need to take what is tantamount to abuse, just to make money. I was happy at my old job, and they are eager to have me return. I must be spoiled, but this is the first time in my career that I've ever encountered this level of... I don't even know what to call it. But I know that I don't need to put up with it.
So, my previous job is willing to take me back. It would be great if it could be Monday morning, but we'll have to get through some HR stuff. I called the trainer at my new job, and let her know my intentions. I wasn't sure who to send my resignation to in the HR department. I also want to try to determine if it is better to stay for two weeks, or just go since I'm in training and it's really a waste of everyone's time and money for me to stay. I think I'll be at home on Monday...
It's weird, but I feel as comfortable in my decision to leave this job as I did with my decision to go to it. I've gained a course on some important concepts in this industry, and some new ways of looking at some very dynamic situations. I've lost nothing here. Strangely, I did not see this coming. It took the wind out of my sails completely on Friday afternnon, but I'm not stressed or worried, and the right thing to do is very clear.
Good news- my bloat is finally good, my stomach looked great in jeans this evening. I might try to weigh myself tomorrow- it's been well over a month. I feel empowered to spend some time watching what I eat, and I'm ready to lose a little more weight.
I'm getting tired, but I did want to announce that I'm back. And happy about it. I'm excited to read what's been going on with everyone. I've missed this part of my life alot.