Thursday, March 17, 2011

One of the most bizarre weeks of my life...

...and that is saying something.

A few bombshells this week. It appears my bio dads death was due to the "s" word. All that's printed is "sudden", but from what stalking I've done (not much, my mom has been doing it for me! gasp!)- well, it looks like that may be the nice way to say the "s" word? Also, his funeral was on my birthday. Also, his death occured about one month after I contacted (and shocked) one of my bio cousins. I told him I just wanted pics of my grandparents, that I wasn't terribly interested in my father because if he had wanted a relationship with me, I had never been hidden away. I'm weird, I'll admit that- but the timing is interesting. ALSO, it turns out that my father himself had been adopted by his stepdad, so the last name I've been thinking was my bloodline is wrong, and now I have no idea who I am.

So how did all of this information come about? My mom had looked up my oldest friend in the world- he and I have known each other since we were babies, and grew up together- even went to kindergarten together. There aren't too many childhood memories I have that don't involve him. I'd say he was like a brother to me, but we were going to get married when we grew up! Now he really is like a brother to me, and I really love him in a sibling way- weird. My mom (the facebook stalker)- found him. On his facebook, he talked about finding his bio dad only one year ago! He and I used to talk about that when we were little. So, I guess that's why my mom started looking further into things for me, and that's when she discovered the above.

I got to talk with my old friend this week. He and I haven't seen or spoken to each other in 20+++ years. He attended my first wedding, and the very next day he shipped off to the military. We wrote a couple of times (so he says, I have a terrible memory about that time period). And then we had completely lost contact. It is so nice to be able to talk with him... to revisit the past that is nothing but good sweet memories. When we talked, it was like we just picked up where we left off. We are both happily remarried, but it's so strange for me to have this powerful platonic love for someone. It is truly not romantic, but is really awesome.

Oh, and today I ate an entire sloppy joe, chips, and a piece of cheese cake (that was calling my name). Needless to say I ate it slowly to work it through. Guess what? No guilt! Calorie wise, that's all I ate for the day, so no worry about weight gain. I also really love this thing.

Monday, March 14, 2011

It's all in the tarot cards.

Life is full. Of what depends on the day. ;)

We had a few friends over this weekend and decided to have a tarot card reader come entertain us. The gal who we hired was really interesting- she's written some books and has some very unique perspectives. Anyway, she says I'm going to live a long, healthy life. :)

My mom called this morning to tell me that my biological dad died in January. She just found the obituary today. It's unfortunate, but also the best way to find out how everyone fits together- and it looks like I have two more sisters. I don't think I'm going to contact them at this point. I was once again completely surprised about how cool my mom has been about all of this. She actually signed the obituary with her maiden name and my birth name! I was impressed with her boldness. :0

Home with a sick six year old today. Work is good. I'm getting a good amount accomplished, and am happy about how much presenting I've been doing, and that there is so much interest in what I have to share. I'm at the flagship hospital, and what I set up is most likely what is going to be used system wide. I've got a meeting at another hospital tomorrow afternoon to get a process going there. Fun. :-)

I appreciate all the supportive comments. I get a little embarrassed sharing things. I feel like a drama queen. :(

Saturday, March 5, 2011

One night when I was on call-

One night years ago, when I was on call in the OR, we were waiting for a possible procurement to arrive. It turned out to be a ten year old boy who had hung himself, and for timing reasons or family reasons, the surgery was cancelled. I don't remember exactly why.

What I do remember clearly is a resident asking... how could this happen?

So, I explained it to him. The best that I could. A child's pain. How a child doesn't understand the potential permanence of their actions. How sadness can take over. How even with all the support in the world, sometimes it's not enough. How it could happen. How it happened to us.

My son was maybe around two when something changed inside of him. As a mother, I always look carefully at my own actions, wondering if there was anything I should have done, or not done to have prevented these things from happening. There are always imperfections, things I wish I had done differently. But, I also have to acknowledge that I was an attentive, patient, and caring mom. Every action and decision I made, I can truthfully say that I put my children and their best interest first.

When my son was ten, he hung himself. He survived with anoxic and traumatic brain injuries.

I never used the word "mental illness" when explaining this to the surgery resident. We still hadn't even gone through the worst of it at that point. I only thought I knew what I was talking about. I didn't know it could get worse, but it did.

And seeing it now, when the child is miraculously an adult... my body just skips to the physically ill part for me. I want to put him first, but my body shuts down. And, there are other family members who know what the potential is here- and I need to put them first. Even if the consequences are dire. I've mourned my own childs death a couple of times over.

It was very unlike me to speak so candidly about what happened... I don't think that resident was necessarily being judgemental... it's was an honest question about life. There is no good explaination or reason. Mental illness is as painful and deadly as any other disease.

Friday, March 4, 2011

and then the world falls apart

Weight is steady, but sometimes that just doesn't really matter.

I just have to say this... I used to hold him all night long and try to will his pain into my own body. It didn't work.

The sky is clear tonight. Looking out of my living room window at Orion's belt, I thought of warm summer nights, laying on the grass and gazing at the stars.

My husband bought me a Wonder Woman figurine... he left it on my night stand. Ironic, but I love him for the sentiment.

I'm not crazy here. Just tired. I hope I have fight in me when I wake up tomorrow morning. Sometimes there isn't any other choice.