Sunday, January 31, 2010

Back to bed...

I'm tired, but I've posted one picture. OH MY GOD. The kid (and I do mean KID) was just barely legal! I gave him two ground rules (because I'm almost old enough to be his mom, he's not even two years older than my son, and I won't mention that he also looks alot like him, ewww...)- 1) NO JUNK and 2) No braces in the pictures! Super fun, though. Seriously pretty mild, but lots of giggling and laughing. The best part for me was seeing my friends reactions. No table dancing for us, but a few people can cross this experience off of their bucket list.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Sweet Revenge

Thinness pays off. That's my real title, but the one I posted sounds more titilating. I know I've discussed in my many tirades on the f-ism word, about how I really identify with, and in my head still feel like an obese girl. Now that I'm a juicy size 14, it's funny, because I feel thin and sexy. For some of us, we weren't always obese, and I remember when I thought 14 was HUGE. Now, I think it's downright sexy hot. I've worked really hard to be this chubby! And seriously, even at this weight, this level of thinness or chubbiness, I don't know which- is really paying off. So, where does the revenge come in? Because people are treating me so much better as a thin/chubby person, but in my head I'm still 300 lbs. Ha! Take THAT world!

For example, this morning I went out to my garage and guess what? FLAT TIRE. So, I stop at the gas station around the corner for some air. And guess what? DELIVERY TRUCK PARKED IN FRONT OF THE AIR I NEED. With a flat tire, I can't start driving all around looking for an alternate air source, so I do the next best thing, and ridiculously start trying to angle my car in close enough for the air hose to reach. That probably entertained a few folks for a minute or two. After realizing my plan was simply not going to work, I took a deep breath, and went into the store to find the truck driver. Ballsy, I know. I eyed him at the back of the store, and as sweetly as I could, walked over to him and asked him if he could move his truck because I had a flat tire. He didn't look up at me at first, and was not very helpful. Then... he looked up. Did I mention I have on my size 14 jeans, and a great push up bra, and that with all this weight loss, I've managed to keep my ass high and boobs full? Seriously, the guy looks up, and not only agrees to move his truck, but fills my tires, tops them ALL off, and I literally had to stop him short of starting to wash my car for me. HA! Dude, I'm a 300 lb woman! Ha ha ha. That, my friends, is sweet revenge.

Even better than that, was my shopping trip at lunch yesterday. THINNESS PAYS OFF AT KOHL'S! I had to CHOOSE between clothes, because so many things fit, and LOOKED GOOD. I ended up with a Daisy Fuentes top with a great plunging neck line, and a pair of open toed, back strapped high heels. This is an outfit I could NOT wear to work, under any circumstances. I felt really SEXY. Dare I say I LOOKED really sexy? Seriously, girls, I have some self image problems, so for me to feel that good, is beyond words. It was NOT a 300 lb woman being reflected back to me in the dressing room mirror. I wanted so badly to look good for my party tomorrow night, and was hopeful that I'd at least look "ok", and looking "WOW" was definitely not even an expectation. However, it was a fabulous surprise. Maybe it was a gift. The best birthday gift I've ever had. Thank you band. I deeply, humbly thank you.

Pictures will be posted from my party. I know everyone is dying to see my outfit. Or the male stripper. But, I'm pretty sure it's me you'll want to see. Or the hot fireman doing a very naughty dance. One or the other. It's probably a toss up (or not). ;)

Happy Weekend to everyone, I really love my band friends!

Thursday, January 28, 2010


Point zero. Point zero? POINT ZERO!?!? And the scale was NOT in the mood to negotiate. I tried several times. Whatever.

Even that can't dampen my excitement for my party, which is almost here! Actually, I'm happy about my weight because I might be in the 180's by Saturday. I feel like a little kid, but I'm mostly excited because I'm going to see girlfriends I don't normally get to spend time with. It's fun to think that all the people I really like and love in the world, will all be together in one room! With a hot male stripper. Talk about icing on the cake! And we all know how much I adore icing!

I still don't know what I'm going to wear. Not jeans. I need to go shopping. You'd think I'd have had this planned for a while, but not so. I should go at lunch today. My nail salon is by my house, and I'm going to stop in on my way home and get a pedicure. I got the manicure last week, for my actual birthday. This is terrific because technically, I only have to do the fun things to get ready for this party, and my family gets to do all the cleaning and not so fun preparations. I'm going to help, though. I talk big, but I'd feel bad not helping out. I'm only going to HELP. ;)~

Let's see what happens on my shopping trip at lunch...

Mint chocolate Zone bar (14,200), oatmeal (4,100), vanilla yogurt (5,100), pasta romano w/ bacon (12, 300). 35 grams protein, 700 calories. Not so worried about protein right now because I get a two week reprieve from feeling snacky. Thank you very much, hormones.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Welcome Babette!

It’s a bouncing baby… band! Actually, it’s my forty week bandiversary! I don’t think I’ve mentioned it, but I have named my band- Babette. And she’s nine months old this week. The name I picked is admittedly cheesy (which is WHY I’ve never mentioned it)… “Babe” ette, because my blog is Band-“Babe”? Get it? Also as a disclaimer, I picked my blog name because it sounds like “band-aid” and I’m a nurse… not because I think I’m so hot. I fix up ok, though, but that’s beside the point.

So, what has nine months brought? My pre-op weight was 277 lbs . I honestly couldn’t remember what it was, so I had to ask my doctor at my fill appointment last week. My highest witnessed weight was 299 lbs. I’ve lost 86 lbs since surgery (April 2009), and 108 lbs since deciding on weight loss surgery (November 2008). I’ve averaged a little over a 2 lb weight loss per week, but the loss has definitely s-l-o-w-e-d at this stage of the game. My BMI started at 47 and is now at 30. I didn’t measure inches, but I’ve gone from a size 28 to a size 14. My goal weight is 150 lbs, so I’m still 40+ lbs away. If I’m able to keep momentum, I may reach goal by summer. It doesn’t really matter, because this is my lifestyle now. I don’t plan on doing anything different when I’m at goal because I will have to watch my food intake and weight for the rest of my life. It’s worth the effort in my opinion, and without the band, I wouldn’t be where I am, or have any hope for where I plan to be.

I have no spontaneous plans for the day. Ha ha ha.

Kashi pumpkin pie bar (4, 100), pepperjack cheese (5, 100), vanilla yogurt (5, 100), oatmeal (4, 100), tuna (27, 200), popcorn (3, 100). 48 grams protein, 700 calories. I was sTaRvInG yesterday during the day. My band is loose because of TOM. I must’ve peed out a gallon of water yesterday. Did it make my scale go down? NO! Did it loosen my band? OF COURSE! I seem to be not as hungry today, but have added calories just in case. I think I’m going to try to time my next fill a little more carefully. I’m learning!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I heart questionnares

1.What time did you get up this morning?

2. How do you like your steak?
Medium rare. And cut is VERY important.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Avatar 3-D, but Sherlock Homes was much better! I am going to have an affair with Robert Downey Jr.

4. What is your favorite TV show?
Real Housewives of Orange County, Paranormal State, Keeping Up With the Kardashians

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
France. My husband and I have a five year plan…

6. What did you have for breakfast?
Kashi pumpkin pie bar

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Almost anything ethnic.

8. What foods do you dislike?
Mushrooms. Seafood. Mayonaise. Ewwww. Yuck.

9. Favorite place to eat?
Out. Anywhere with good food, good ambience, good company.

10. Favorite dressing?
Not a dressing fan. Weird, I know.

11. What kind of vehicle do you drive?
Black Nissan Altima

12. What are your favorite clothes?
Anything not plus sized. I’m really enjoying color, and have some awesome winter coats this year.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
Greek Isles

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
What’s in the cup?

15. Where would you want to retire?

16. Favorite time of day?
Evening if it’s a weekday, morning if it’s the weekend.

17. Where were you born?
Baltimore, MD

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?

19. Bird watcher?

20. Are you a morning person or a night person?
I do like Saturday nights…

21. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
Ummm… no…

22. What did you want to be when you were little?
A lawyer

23. What is your best childhood memory?
Holidays were fun, lots of traditions, there’s too much…

24. Are you a cat or dog person?

25. Are you married?

26. Always wear your seat belt?

27. Been in a car accident?
Yes. Nothing serious.

28. Any pet peeves?
Me? Pet peeves? Nope. Not one.

29. Favorite Pizza Toppings?
Jalapeno’s. BTW, I love pizza. I could eat if for b-fast, lunch, and dinner every day of my life.

30. Favorite Flower?
Any flower given to me out of love or passion.

31. Favorite ice cream?
Breyer’s Mint Chocolate Chip

32. Favorite fast food restaurant?
Ewww. I like real food.

33. How many times did you fail your driver's test?

34. From whom did you get your last email?
My dad (personal), my husband (work).

35. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
I pay cash for everything. And, I’m not impulsive. I love to shop and get a good deal. I have lots of favorites, but nothing stands out on its own.

36. Do anything spontaneous lately?
I’m doing this questionnaire…

37. Broccoli?
I like it, it doesn’t like me.

38. What was your favorite vacation?

39. Last person you went out to dinner with?
Husband and son.

40. What are you listening to right now?
Heartbreak Beat (Psychedelic Furs)

41. What is your favorite color?

42. How many tattoos do you have?
None, but my husband and I are going to get some after my tummy tuck.

43. Coffee drinker?
Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi is my method of caffeine consumption.

Monday, January 25, 2010


After I posted yesterday, NatGeo had the episode of Taboo on "Fat in Industrialized Society". I know someone had posted a link to it, and it's worth watching. Some interesting points: Fatism is the last acceptable discrimination (yes, I think that's wrong). Women bear the brunt of fatism (what's new? it's culturally more acceptable for men to be overweight). Ten years ago, China had virtually no overweight people, now 1/3 of the population is overweight. This phenomenon is called "Globesity". There are still African cultures that "gavage" their daughters so that they will be overweight, because it is a sign of wealth. They put their feet in a wooden device and will let up the pressure only when the little girls swallow their milk fortified with whey and butter. Westerners would view this as obviously abusive, so is it abusive to allow our children in industrialized nations to be come obese? Lastly, how did emmaciation become a status symbol in the west? That was never really answered. But, the dichotemy between thinness as the ideal all the while our waist lines are increasing, and the mental and emotional toll that takes on people, was mentioned if not really addressed. Good timing.

Enough with the heavy stuff! I promise I'm done for awhile. Well, except that we had a bake sale for Haiti at work today. As a responsible individual, I had to do my part to help... so I bought cupcakes for my family. There are some very talented individuals in my building who brought some gorgeous baked goods. There are five of us at home, so I only bought four. They are individually wrapped up with a bow on top, and the cupcakes themselves are almost too beautiful to eat. That should keep me from attacking them, until my family has a chance to. I avoided all the full sized cakes, or anything that would be too easy for me to start mindlessly eating. Good strategy!

Stupid goal. ;)

I'm sucking on shaved ham. It's the only way I can get it down. Cheese and cottage cheese went down well this morning. 46 grams of protein for during the day, if I can manage it. No popcorn. There's no chance of that. I'm having to really pay attention to chewing and eating slowly. I've not had to really do that previously, at least not this carefully. I slimed twice yesterday. Ewwww. Scale is at 190. No love from the scale, but my pants are ridiculously big. I had to get new jeans this weekend, size 14! No glamour pics because I don't really think I look any smaller. I need to find an outfit that makes me look thin for Saturday. There will be lots of pictures from that, and it would be great if I looked _______? decent? good? not fat? not the fattest one? thin??? I don't know what to hope for...

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Fatism & Me: An Intraspective

Ready or not, I'm going to do this. I've made my caveats, and clearly, as a three hundred pound woman (299, it's the same thing), I was the object of fatism. I get it. It's horrible. But, I have to admit that having been there, maybe some of the stereotypes aren't so far off. The actions are uncalled for, but are some of them physiologically programmed into us? That, I can't answer. However, I do know how I've truly thought about the morbidly obese, subjectively and objectively.

Subjectively, well, here are my true confessions from a fat woman. Fat people are lazy. Yes, I was. I didn't want to walk far, please drop me off at the front door. Standing to do dishes, painful. Vacuuming the entire house, not remotely possible. Doing anything active with my young son (or any of my kids), not really. Fat people smell. While hygeine is extremely important to me, it was physically becoming difficult for me to be able to perform some basic hygeinic functions. Specifically, if I wasn't in a handicapped stall, I couldn't reach to wipe myself. Gross, but true. And as far as personality goes? As a fat person, I was miserable. I avoided people, places, and I know I was not fun to be around for my family. I wasn't mean or anything, but I certainly was depressed, and that was hard on everyone. These basic stereotypes about fat people, all true for me. Completely accurate.

Objectively? I would like to think I am a tolerant person (race, religion, sexual orientation) and that I would never discriminate based on any reason, including weight. And, I don't think I would. But, I would be lying to myself if I didn't acknowledge the true feelings I have about obese people. For example, when my overweight friends always order salads when we go out, I think "who the hell are you kidding"? Except for the rare medical exception, overweight people are fat because they eat too much. The end. No one gets fat from eating skinny salads. If you're fat, OWN IT. Don't pretend like you have no earthly clue how you got fat.

I also don't buy the "I've tried everything, and nothing works" excuse. I've had three rounds of major weight loss. DO SOMETHING. Diets don't work. I get it. But, there are other options. I have been fighting obesity HARD my entire adult life. I would literally pick a job based on insurance coverage, if I had to. I believe in access to medical care for everyone, and I know as our medical system stands it's not possible for everyone to have WLS as an option. But, I would exhaust every avenue. And, that's coming from a lazy woman. Sometimes, I want to go up to overweight women and tell them "you don't have to live this way". Like at the grocery store today, the woman behind me was obviously trying to start a diet. She had all kinds of fat free ice cream, and bags of fruit, weight watchers snacks,etc. ALL carbs. No protein. I had to bite my tongue from telling her "good luck". I'm sure she would have been offended, but in my heart, I just wanted her to make choices that might actually work.

Fatism has waned somewhat, and it is terrific that there are so many clothing style options for overweight women. You can dress cute and be fat. OVERWEIGHT WOMEN DON'T NEED TO LOOK DUMPY. It's difficult to be depressed (and I think alot of overweight women are), and care about how you look. But, if you don't try to love yourself overweight, it will be difficult to lose weight. Yes, you need to be honest with yourself, but that doesn't mean beat yourself up. They are very different. And, change is best brought about by love than any other emotion or motivation. Start taking care of yourself while you are overweight, and weight loss will be a natural extension of that.

Lastly, the world may not change to accomidate overweight people. It might, since obesity is the most quickly increasing epidemic. But, for now it's better to admit that OBESITY IS GOING TO LIMIT THE THINGS THAT YOU CAN DO. Airline seats? Suck. Not fair. I don't like it when people are in my personal space, either literally because they are too big for the seat, or by smell, or sound, or any other way. I would like to think I'd be tolerant of this, but it bugs me. It also bugged me knowing that if I wanted to progress professionally, I would need to not be morbidly obese. That also sucks, and is no fair. However, it's a proven fact that I had to deal with.

I know I am so fortunate to have had weight loss surgery. It's sad that one of my biggest concerns in life is that I have too much food to eat. But, here I am. Truthfully, I am so much happier when I'm not fat. I'm still overweight, but how I feel between now and 108 lbs heavier, is unbelievable. Being thinner, being able to move and physcially do whatever I choose, being able to wipe my ass, being able to take a flight if I want to, wearing cute clothes and actually like shopping, getting positive reinforcement from society, not feeling bad about what I'm eating to the point where I don't care about what I'm eating... GOD, I don't miss anything about being obese. Not one damn thing. I wish I could help every woman who felt bad about herself, especially the ones who are clinically obese. I know them. I will always be a part of that psyche. But at this point in my battle with obesity and fatism, all I can do is figure out what works for me, be honest about my journey, and make myself available to those who are on the same journey.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Saturday Night

Here I am. At home. On a Saturday night. Somehow my sisters three kids ended up here. I can't really complain, it's been a nice lazy day, which is how I like my Saturdays. Mr. W made me a deal that if I went out shopping, he'd clean the house. I took the deal. My size 16 jeans were starting to look like gang-banger jeans, so I finally went and bought size 14. My daughter and I hit up Kohl's, Old Navy, and Target. I'm happy to think that next Saturday, one week from RIGHT now, I will be at my party! We've got two guest bedrooms, so I need to make sure all the sheets are clean, and all the bathrooms scrubbed to my specifications. It will be a little details week. One thing my Fibro has taught me is to pace myself, actually it's forced me into it. I know this party is my husbands project, but I still feel a certain responsibility. I've been really good about letting him do this himself, though. Cake is ordered, caterer is picked, and I believe party supplies have been purchased. Oh, and the stripper has been reserved. !!!

As far as band news goes, my 3.75 cc's is about perfect. I've always had restriction, but never have I not been hungry, at all. I can only eat about three bites at a time, and have to remind myself to eat. Nice! I've read all your blogs about not being hungry, but I guess I didn't get it, until now. Maybe this is the elusive sweet spot? I hope this lasts for awhile. This last 45 lbs is going to be the most difficult for me. Now, I really need help from my band. I think it just might do the job. Maybe I'll be in the 180's by my birthday party? I've been so hopeful, and I don't want to jinx myself. But, seriously ALREADY.

I'm in a little bit of a funk today. I really wanted to post my "Fatism & Me: An Intraspective", but I'm going to need to word that very carefully, so I'll wait. Basically, I've been thinking alot about my own thoughts and feelings about overweight people. I've been the object of some serious fatism, but I also think I share some stereotypical thinking about fat people. I haven't really been able to reprocess some of that thinking, so it's probably going to be offensive. I hope not, and I am always open to other points of view. I love other ideas, because it helps my own to be more balanced. Maybe tomorrow I'll attempt it. If I'm not up to my eyeballs in sheets and laundry. But, right now I'm going to go and find a good movie to rent with Mr. W. I love Saturday nights.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Fatism & Me: A Retrospective

I've had several go-rounds with major weight loss. My first weight loss began in 1995, after my first husband walked out on me and our two children. I had gone from 120 lbs to 280 lbs in the course of our six year marriage. That weight was purely emotional weight, and once my husband left, and I regained MY life (and self worth), the weight simply melted off with a cleaned up diet (no more wine) and exercise (running). Health was really my goal, I didn't even weigh myself until after I had lost 130 of the ultimate 160 lbs that I lost. I'm very certain that one of the major reasons my first husband left is because of how I looked being obese. We didn't fight, or anything. He met someone thin, and off he went. After I had lost my weight, and was looking really good at 120 lbs (again), it would piss me off to no end, how different I was treated. There was no pleasure in the fact that I was now much thinner than my ex's new wife. And the response I got from men? Well, in some ways it's nice to have them falling all over themselves, but it was searing to me to know that these same men would have sneered at me a year previously. This fact left a permanent impact on my life.

My second major weight loss occured in 2003, I had gained weight back up to 230 lbs, mostly for the same reasons most people gain weight- work, kids, not taking the time to watch what I ate, or exercise regularly. I honestly didn't experience much fatism at this weight. I think there is a threshold of what becomes socially unacceptable for being overweight. There are studies that show what weights (and shapes) women and men become attractive to the other sex. Are there any studies that show when we become unattractive? I'm not sure I've seen those, and it would be interesting. Two hundred and thirty pounds is not the point where I personally experienced direct social consequences for being overweight. And trust me, after a major weight loss, I was alert to any hint of it. That weight I lost by counting calories, and interval training like mad.

The third major weight gain happened after the birth of my last child in 2004. My thyroid shut down and Fibromyalgia kicked in. This weight gain was, in my opinion, for truly physical reasons. My body was already set up for weight gain, and the physical problems I was dealing with just made it overwhelmingly difficult for me to control my weight. But, not impossible. My weight ballooned up to my all time highest of 299 lbs. By far, the most miserable I've ever been. And, fatism? EVERYWHERE. At this time in my life, I was fairly established professionally, and there is a real difference in how you are treated as a morbidly obese woman verses even just being overweight. I look good now, I know I do. But, I'm still overweight at 191 lbs. But, I'm accepted by all the "thin" people now. And, once again, men make eye contact with me, run to hold doors, pick things up for me, you get the picture. I knew the reverse fat-ism that would occur, and was actually expecting and looking forward to it. Now, it's sort of a perverse revenge. But in all honesty, it is helping all aspects of my life, whether right or wrong, fair or unjust, to be thinner.

One last thing on fatism. It wouldn't be a post if I didn't talk about Mr. Wonderful. Let me explain why, at the deepest level, he has earned his title. When I met him, we actually met on line. At that point I was 150 lbs, size 10, and looking pretty good (it was after my second wgt loss). I purposefully did NOT put my picture on that site because I wanted to know whoever was interested in me was interested in me as a human, and not as an attractive woman. Looks come and go, as I was well aware. Mr. W and I became friends, and we fell in love, and I knew his interest in me was genuine, and not dependent on my being hot or not. Good thing, because after our son was born, well you know what happened. He loved me at 150 lbs, 299 lbs, 191 lbs, and whatever weight I may end up at. Don't get me wrong, I'm much more fun (huh huh huh, again) when I'm thin, but I know he is definitely not a fatist. And, there are lots of people out there who aren't. But, there are also plenty of people who are, and I wonder why. Sometimes I even wonder, if after all I've been through, if I'm not also a fatist in some ways. Yes, ME. But, that's another time, another blog.

Happy Friday my friends!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Phat Girls Club

I really enjoyed reading about your different thoughts on "to tell or not to tell" about being banded. Tracy from Metomorphic Journey left a well thought out response, I believe on Sally's blog. She cited the statistics that overweight women earn less- which is one of the reasons I wanted WLS. I couldn't professionally afford not to. She also alluded to the fact that it may not be WLS that people are so turned off by, but obesity itself. "Fatism" if you will. I think she's on to something there. On the flip side of that, though, I've noticed something interesting. The only remote criticism I get is from other overweight women. Women who work out and take obvious care of themselves, have welcomed me to their side with open arms. They seem genuinely excited for my success so far. And then, to bring it full circle, I was thinking how no matter how much weight we lose, we still feel like fat girls who are somehow imposters and tricking everyone into believing we are thin women. You know the feeling of going into a regular store at the mall, you feel like a spy or something, like you don't really belong there. So, my sistas, we are like a secret society or something. Where do we belong? Definitely with each other, but we have lives outside of the battle with obesity and WLS. Food for thought.

Speaking of food I can only think about- I got my fill this morning, and am now on liquids. I went from 2.5 to 3.75 cc's in my 10 cc band. Whoa. This was my third, and largest fill. My surgeon helped to explain the "where does the saline go?" question. He doesn't even keep a running total of how much you "should" have (although he obviously documents how much he puts in each time). He explained that the band itself has folds, and it's nearly impossible to aspirate all the water out of newer bands. So, they determine how much saline you have (approximately) at the time of fill. If that makes sense? It did to me. Oh, and I was the guinea pig for his new NP. She almost stuck me with the boring needle (it touched my skin, and he told her to stop). That would have hurt, yes, but please don't screw up my port... it would have taken a huge chunk if it made it to my device. But, she was a good poke, and I gave her kudos afterwards. When she feels confident, she'll make less mistakes.

Why did I make this my goal again?


Happy Thursday afternoon :)

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The Road to HELL

The road to hell is paved with good food choice intentions. No, wait... The road to hell is paved with warm brownies, smothered in slightly melting ice cream, drenched in chocolate syrup, enveloped by real whipped cream, all of course, with a cherry on top. Oh, and it's delivered by your size 8, "I'm so fat because I just had my third baby" sister, whose darling oldest daughter is selling girl scout cookies, and what kind of an aunt would you be if you didn't order alot of them? Um, can I catch a break here??? I should have just agreed to the f-ing birthday cake! She did bring me more Bath and Body Works, so I might forgive her sadistic brownies.

Yesterday, I wanted to respond to alot of people, but couldn't. I don't know if it was the site, or my connection or what. So, "Hi!" to Barbara, Cara, Debi, Linda, Nessa, Jen from Oregon, and Sandy Lee. I really appreciate your comments, advice, encouragement and friendship. I feel so blessed by the friends I have in my life. Especially my band buddies, who understand me in a way few, if any, other people "get" me. And I'm feeling blessed about the friends I've had for along time. My husband has an entire group of my friends (and a couple of sisters) flying in from Baltimore for my birthday party. They agreed on the spot. That feeling is indescribable for me, but I know MANY of you know exactly what I'm talking about. This being forty thing is even better than I thought it would be, and I thought it would be freaking amazing.

Nothing is popping into my head. And, I don't have time to sit here all day... :)

Greek yogurt, cottage cheese, zone bar, sweet & spicy tuna (yum), popcorn. 66!! grams of protein, 700 calories. NO brownies, ice cream, chocolate syrup, or whipped cream. I swear if that ice cream is even a temptation for me tonight, I am melting it all down the kitchen sink drain. Immediately. My upped protein will hopefully do the trick for me today, and my third fill is tommorow. I really need help with this last third of my weight loss.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

****Crappy Birthday****

No, NOT really! Somewhere along the line, my sisters and I started the "crappy birthday" tradition, and it stuck. Thanks for all the well wishes from my band friends! I AM FINALLY 40! It's been good so far... good presents... and my husband IS planning a party for me on the 30th AND, AND... has hired the fireman I wanted for it! He couldn't keep it a secret because he said I'd end up finding out about it anyway, and he just wanted everything to be perfect. He's planning the whole thing- invitations, food, cake, drinks. This is definitely not his genre, but it makes me feel so good that he's doing this out of love for me. He seems genuinely excited to be doing this. He already bought me some presents from a "boutique" for our trip last weekend (here it is... huh huh huh). And some Bath & Body Works, which I love. And this was so sweet, because my daughter bought me the jean jacket I wanted for the concert I'm going to in February. I wasn't expecting her to do that. My son called me last night to tell me he got his H1N1 shot yesterday to honor me (I worked public health for a long time, so yes, that actually meant something to me). So far, so good. I'm extremely happy to be at this point in my life.

On the food front- I asked my daughter to please, as a birthday gift to me, to not make any cake. Is that rude of me? I don't think I could control myself... F.R.O.S.T.I.N.G!!! Oh! My! I don't want to feel bad about myself, or guilty over food on my birthday. I will eat cake at my party, but I don't think it would be a wise idea to have too many sweets to tempt me. Is this completely warped of me to ask for?

I have my fill appointment for this Thursday. Enough said?

I dunno. Nothing yet that I can think of. But, it's still early in the day. And, I could get away with alot today, if I wanted to!!!

I decided I'd feel better and be happier if I stuck to a food plan today. So I'm having oatmeal, yogurt, ham slices, pepper jack cheese, meatloaf & mashed potatoes, popcorn. 46 grams protein, 700 calories. I don't know what tonight will bring, but if it isn't obvious, I'm trying really hard not to use my birthday as an excuse to eat poorly. That's a good gift to myself, right? Yeah, probably the best.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Waiting for the Whoosh I witnessed even higher numbers during the week. I'm thinking it might be time for a fill. I've been stingy with those... I've only had two since I've been banded. I keep trying to do this by myself, and DUH, if I could do it by myself, I wouldn't have been obese. I do feel some restriction, but a teeny little tweak might help me to remember faster to STOP. But, on the bright side- I honestly and proudly put down my REAL weight when I was getting all my ski gear this past weekend. And, I only weigh 30 lbs more than my son (he's really skinny during ski season, he'll pack on about 20 lbs during the summer). I'm happy about what I've accomplished with my weight loss, but this next 40 or so pounds seems really daunting. Yeah, I think a fill might do me some good.

Tomorrow, I turn 40! I'm feeling some birthday blues, I think. Turning forty is really exciting for me... I finally know who I am and what I'm doing! It's a very liberating feeling for me, and I know this is going to be my best decade ever. I've been saying I'm forty for a couple of months now, so the number itself isn't making me upset. Maybe it's a combination of birthday blues, stuck scale, and I always get sad when I have to say good bye to my oldest. I think my husband has something up his sleeve (and I hope it involves FIREMEN), so that might help my mood slightly. :)

I remembered the good one I was going to talk about! A little background here real quick: Mr. W and I did not know each other in high school (we grew up thousands of miles apart), but IF we had, we would have been in very different social groups. He was kind of a shy, nerdy kid- and I thought (mistakenly) that I was all that (and a keg party, too). I wouldn't have even noticed him (sadly)- and luckily I got much smarter as I got older, and could recognize a super good thing- and now he's mine! Anyway, he liked (and to some extent in a glory days kind of way) still likes "headbanger" or hard rock music. Not my cup of tea, but I've been opening myself up to all kinds of new things. Long story longer :), he sent me a link last week for a concert in Nevada- Queensryche? I don't know anything about them, but I immediately bought us tickets (and they were almost sold out!?!)- and sent the confirmation to him. About 3 minutes turn around time. Needless to say, he was shocked! and that made me happy! The concert is February 13th, so we get to go away for a Valentine's weekend. Win/win.

About 40 grams of protein, 700 calories (as usual) planned for today. Yogurt, oatmeal, zone bar, ravioli, popcorn. All served with a dash of restriction, or not. Which reminds me I need to call my surgeon's office...

Sunday, January 17, 2010

I did it! I really did it! Sort of...

Proof of my "ski" weekend is to your left! I know it's the right thing to say that skiing is AWESOME, and so fun, and I loved it! But in all honesty, skiing really sucked! Spending time with my son was absolutely priceless, though. This was one of those weekends where the memories will last a lifetime. How horrible the skiing was, actually added character and warmth to the whole experience, if that makes sense to anyone. I also tried snowshoeing, which I liked MUCH better. There wasn't any cross country skiing there, but I think it might be my happy medium. We have plenty of cross country where I live, so when I get rich, I might take it up. I loved being in the snow, and everything about it, except for the being on skis part. My son was really good about me completely embarassing him in front of all of his friends and co-workers. He appeared to be a little shocked that the ability to ski well (or at all) is apparently NOT genetic. I am super proud of myself for even trying as much as I did. I made it down the magic carpet hill, once. My BFF gave me the valuable advice of "french fries" to ski and "pizza" to stop, and I just kept that in my head the entire time. However, when "pizza" failed, I decided NO more! If skis had spikes like snowshoes, I might be interested. Stopping at will is fairly important to me! Regardless of my ability to ski, or NOT, it was exciting to see my son so grown up, and get a glimpse into his daily life away from home. That was the best part of the weekend. Leaving was really sad, but I'm so happy we made the trip.

Food? Yes please. It was a "rely on the band" weekend. I'm still a very long way from having made peace with real food. I physically couldn't eat much at some meals, but I ordered some chili con carne at a Mexican dive on Saturday night... and it went down like butter. Almost all of it. Scariness. After going in circles in my head trying to analyze the whole thing, I just decided to screw it. So, that's where I'm at. Tomorrow is a work day, and back to planned protein. Like a true addict, I will just take this one day at a time.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Broken Bones

I don't want any. I leave for my ski weekend right after work this evening, so please think "straight and/or appropriately curved bones, in their correct anatomical position" thoughts, and send the positive energy my way. That would be great. Actually, I am really excited to! Yeah, I'm just saying that, I'm a little leary. But, my son is so excited. I've spent the last couple of nights getting everything ready... lots of shopping. That part I like! I also went tanning last night so that when I fall down, I won't blend in with the white snow, and people will be able to see me and help me up! You know, a year ago this ski trip wouldn't have been a remote possibility. It would have been physically impossible. I'm not in shape by any means, but I can bounce up off the floor now, and move very quickly. I am truly grateful that I can now choose to do anything I want, even if it is to risk life and limb. ;)~

I had a good sort of NSV yesterday. I was at Wal-Mart (damn it to hell) getting some "Mom, I want some stuff, but I don't want to pay for it myself" items for my son. Our Wal-Marts here periodically have people in the parking lot selling homemade tamales. I know, I KNOW this is risky to buy them, but they are a dozen for $10, and always DELICIOUS. So, I always buy them when we're approached. Yeah, so that's what happened last night. I was so excited to get home to eat them. But, then something strange happened. When we got home, I wasn't hungry, so I decided NOT to eat them. Yeah. Really. At times, I believe my mindset is really changing. Back in the day, eating tamales had NOTHING at all to do with hunger. This is little, but in a way, it's also life changing.

I bought food from complete strangers in a dark parking lot. :)

For dinner last night I had some ham and salami (?grams protein, 200 calories), a zone bar (15g, 200 cals), and some potatoe chips (No you didn't. OH YES I DID!). The day rounded out to around 80 grams of protein, for around 1150 calories. Lots of bang for the buck there. I love a good deal. Today, I don't have so much protein on board, but when I'm not PMS'ing I don't need to rely on the protein so much to keep me from being hungry. When I'm feeling the need to snack alot, I try to remember to boost my protein ALOT. It helps my control immensely. At work today, I'm eating creme caramel yogurt (5, 100), oatmeal (4, 100), chocolate coconut zone bar (15, 200- healthy candy!?!), meatloaf & mashed potatoes (11, 200), and MAYBE the popcorn (3, 100- and I didn't get to it yesterday, so we'll see). Only 38 grams of protein, and 700 calories. I just might live on the edge and eat a tamale for dinner, if I have time before we leave. There most likely will NOT be time because Mr. W will be anxious, ready to leave, and driving fast, because we are staying in a hotel tonight! Can that count as exercise?

Have a fabulous weekend everyone, and please do send positive energy my way. Tomorrow, late morning, early afternoon. OK? THANKS!!!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Working It

I have no earthly idea how many calories I ate, or grams of protein I took in yesterday. Having said that, it was STILL a GOOD band day. As previously mentioned, I went to lunch with my husband yesterday. I managed to eat 3/4 of a ham & cheese omelette (my FAVORITE)... I had to chew, chew, chew to get that much of it down, which I did intentionally. I also had one and a half small pancakes (w/ butter, no syrup because I don't actually like it). That lasted me all day! I had two homemade chocolate chip cookies and a few bites of roasted chicken for dinner. A few Swedish fish to round out the whole day. Calorie wise, I'd guess 1300-1400, and I always try to estimate high just to be on the safe side. Why do I share these mundane details? Because it got me to thinking about how I personally work my band. It seems everyone has a different way to work it, which is terrific. Here's how I use mine...

I use my band to assist me in making 200 calories feel like a big meal. I don't rely on my band everyday for every meal, though. I hold myself accountable to get enough protein, and watch my portions, etc... and expect the band to help me if I lose my mind and try to pig out. Yes, I can still eat around my band, but the restriction is enough reinforcement to really limit what I could potentially eat. When I'm choosing foods, I don't usually label anything "good" or "bad". To me, a really yummy treat is "good" even if it has fat, sugar, or salt. "Bad" to me is heavily processed or refined foods. Some days I count calories, other days I rely on the band. I count calories because I like to be aware of what I'm putting in my body. When I'm following protein grams, I might as well know calories in order to make truly informed decisions. If I eat something decadent, it is a ALWAYS a planned and conscious decision. The band helps me to be satisfied with a reasonable portion, and I don't think I could be so successful in losing weight (I'm at 108 lbs lostso far!) if I couldn't eat real food and the foods I love. One of the nurses in my surgeons office stopped eating pizza after her band, and in my little mind, that makes no sense. It obviously works for her, and that's ok. But, my weight problems didn't happen because of rich and wonderful foods (pizza!), they happened because of ME, and MY inability to properly assess appropriate portion sizes or because I simply didn't care for emotional reasons. I eat real foods, because I need to make peace with them and learn to live with them in the real world. And, as Taco Bell has proven, in reality, you can lose weight eating almost anything at all.

I had a good one, and now I can't think of it. I'm too focused on some big projects at work, and planning my big ski weekend. It's an organizational feat for me to get everyone and everything set up so we can go away. Wha, wha, wha.

Planned for today- whole wheat waffle (4 grams protein, 100 calories), turkey sausage (13 gr, 100 cals), strawberry greek yogurt (10 g,100 c), cottage cheese (12, 100), chicken & rice soup (12, 200), popcorn & cheese salt (3, 100). That's a total of 54 grams of protein, and 700 calories during my work day. Those amounts are just right to keep me not hungry, and set up well to eat with the family (just in smaller portions)whatever it is we're having for dinner. There's my break down for any bandbabies who are interested. Ta da. Have a fabulous Thursday everyone.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Paging Dr. Freud

"It's not what you're eating, but what's eating you"? One of the best things I've done for myself in the past year is to start psychoanalysis. The real Freudian kind. I found an amazing neuropsychologist who has done extensive work with TBI (traumatic brain injury) patients, and has a phenominal understanding of how the brain works. He's an expert on epigenomes, and I love the theories he has on how our brains develope. But, that's a book, not a blog. My kids and I have done lots of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), which is left brain work. Psychoanalysis is different because it's right brain work. Our right brain processes 80% of all input we receive, and affects our behavior and feelings significantly more than our left brain, so it makes sense to work there to get better. Yes, this is "blame your mom" therapy, and believe me, I've been on that end of it! While it's not possible to go back and fix your past hurts, trauma, whatever- it is really possible to go back and reprocess the feelings about those experiences. I don't talk about weight or weight loss per se in my weekly sessions, but getting better mentally is certainly going to help treat whatever emotional issues have contributed to my obesity. There is so much to this, and I'm not doing it justice, at all. But, I will absolutely be sharing more of what I've learned, for those who may be interested. I think this therapy has contributed as much to my weight loss as my band. That's saying something.

On the subject of feelings... I am very sad for the experience Dinnerland had on her blog a couple of days ago. I don't know what happened (and don't need to), but it makes me really sad that one or our own doesn't feel safe with us. I can't imagine the hurt and betrayal she must have felt. One thing I really cherish about blogging and receiving comments... is that we all are different. Learning happens at the crossroads of diverse thoughts. We can all believe and do different things on our weight loss journey, and that's ok. I know I'm preaching to the choir here, so please forgive me. I just wanted to share my concern for our friend.

I didn't do this, but my husband did. I came home from therapy last night, and my husband asked me to follow him, because he had a surprise for me. WELL! While I was gone, he had set up my entertainment center in our workout room!!! He routed cable from another room where we don't use it, and now I have tv (it's not a flatscreen, but it is a big screen), music, weights, and a treadmill. I'm all set to watch American Idol (my guilty pleasure) AND work out! Happy Birthday to ME!!!

I'm going to start specifically listing what I eat again, for the sake of newbies. Today, I'm meeting Mr. Wonderful for lunch, so it's not going to be an ideal food day... but that flexibility is what helps me to keep losing weight. If I eat my protein first, I can't do much damage, even at a restaurant. I sometimes make healthy choices when eating out, but I sometimes don't (because that's more fun!). It's just the amount that I eat is within reason, and weight loss parameters. Yeah band! I'll let you know how it goes.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Holy Shitake Mushrooms

So, did everyone see Gen "i heart the band"'s post from yesterday??? Some amazing before and after pics. If that doesn't inspire me to want to start exercising, nothing will. I told my husband last night that the only thing I want from him for my birthday is my own personal entertainment center in our office/workout room. TV, stereo, the works. He loves to do stuff like that, and then I can spend my evenings running and strength training. I've never really worked with weights before, but I've also usually had alot more tone (even with being overweight). I'm starting to get a little excited about the prospects here, especially after seeing Gen's results!

To keep it fresh in my own mind, the definition I'm using for spontaneous is-
"proceeding from natural feeling or native tendency without external constraint". I haven't been doing well with this the past couple of days. Work is crazy, and I tend to get into this single minded rut or something, and there are all kinds of constraints, self imposed and otherwise. I don't know how to put it very well into words. Maybe "type A"? And I need to loosen up sometimes? I'm stuck and can't even think of one single way to not let external constraints keep me from natural feelings. I guess I might be talking about this in therapy tonight...

I stopped counting protein at 60 grams yesterday, and ended up at around 1300 calories (I'm guesstimating). A good day band/food wise yesterday. I don't anticipate any problems or concerns today... 55 grams of protein planned during the day, which means I can eat whatever I want tonight. That's the way I like it. uh huh, uh huh (sorry, I couldn't resist that. can i count that as my spontaneous for the day?). Ciao.

Monday, January 11, 2010


PLEASE. Does anyone speak German, or know alot about Schubert? I have a mix CD I've been listening to tons, and I can't get this one song out of my head. I wake up thinking about it, I can't stop thinking about it. I really needed to read what the words meant, and when I looked up the translation to Standchen (as this song is labeled on my CD), it's definitely not what the song I've been listening to is. I've now listened to many other versions of Standchen, and the song on my CD is different. But, I still NEED to know what the words are saying! The song I've been listening to is THE most passionate rendition of Standchen I've ever heard, to the point where I don't think it's even the same song, and that's saying alot for Standchen. These are not the same two songs. They're not. I can try to burn a copy, or something, if someone is willing to tell me what this song is. On my CD it's labeled as Standchen with Fritz Wunderlich, tenor and Rolf Reinhardt, piano. THANK YOU.

Impressed by the Obvious

There is not much for me to share from yesterday from a band or weight loss perspective. I know this has been said in many different ways on other blogs, but I'm realizing that there is more to my life than my weight. Sometimes the obvious eludes me. Since I've recently started blogging about my lapband experiences, if someone didn't know me, they might think that is all I focus on. Truth is, weight loss is a part of my life, just NOT my life. I know this is the same for the bloggers I read. What a diverse, passionate in so many different ways, group you are. However, I've noticed a few things we all have in common. ALL of us are strong people- or we wouldn't have been so pro-active in trying to combat obesity. The band is not for the faint of heart. Of course we all have days where we struggle, but that does not diminish our accomplishment in any way. I'm impressed with how successful you all are... in weight loss, and in your lives. No one's life is perfect, and we all have areas where we want to improve, but looking from the outside in, it is obvious what a take charge, make change, help others kind of group you (we) are. I've said it before, but I'm so lucky to have found this support group. Thank you all for being you.

Nothing. And that's ok.

Chocolate chip cookie dough. That's it. Remember that Mrs. Field's recipe that's been going around the internet since the dawn of the web? We make that every once in a while, and while I'm not a huge cookie fan, cookie dough is a whole other story. So, calorie wise, not so bad. Nutrition wise, not so much. I really wasn't hungry at all yesterday, but sometimes that's normal for me even without a band. All the salmonella probably filled me up :). Anyway, some days are just cookie dough days!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

"Shut Up!"

as Stacy London (What not to wear) would say. My oldest son called me yesterday afternoon to see if we were skiing just Saturday, or Saturday and Sunday this next weekend. I was asking him about what I should wear, and he said "don't worry about it, you can borrow some of my roommates gear, you're small enough to fit into it". Then I said "Shut Up"! His roommate is a friend of his from Seattle, and a juicier (love that word, Gen) girl. Still, I think I'll be lucky to fit into any of her clothes. But what a nice thing to say! I think my son is over estimating my skiing ability (just Saturday is good for a beginner), and under estimating my size. But, I'll take it all!!!

Spontaneous: We got rid of all of the kids Saturday night (thank god for grandparents) and were practicing our Ninja moves. Seriously, it was easier to sneak to fool around when I was a teenager. Kids are worse than parents about making sure NOTHING happens. We think our five year old actually has a "spidey sense". But, I digress. Anyway, game over and my husband tells me that he put on some jeans, and they had boot cut bottoms. I was mortified. They must have been HUGE on him. So, I go into the kitchen and DEMAND his jeans off of him. I needed to know. He dropped his pants (he's not stupid), and I grabbed them and ran to the bathroom. Moment of truth. They went on and up. Then I buttoned them. And, they fit. They were loose, especially in the waist (of course), but they fit my hips and thighs nicely. Very soon, they will be too big. I know it's crazy to be so excited over this, but my jeans used to be much much huger than his. This is a whole new world, and I really like it.

Before I read about the meat pouch test, I actually had my own version of it that I stumbled onto. It's the souvlaki test. We have a Greek restaurant (dive) we like to go to. The souvlaki platter has two skewers of chicken. When my band is tight, I can't finish even one skewer. When the band is just right, I can finish one entire skewer. I know I need a fill when I can eat both. I had souvlaki last night, and was done at one. Looks like things are good. I have my official weight tomorrow, and better be close to the 180's. I've now pushed my goal up to wanting it by this weekend. It could happen. :)

Saturday, January 9, 2010


First, a reflection of the naked variety. Please see the picture to your left. That is a picture of my personal, very own, panniculus. Say "hello" to my little friend! It's like having a siamese twin attached. It even talks when I walk, but all it can say is "flap,flap,flap". Not very bright, but we're stuck together. Did you know I would maybe be able to fit into two sizes smaller if panni was gone? That's what my surgeon told me at my last fill in November. He said there's more of it than there is of me. Lovely. Now, I'm back to worrying and hoping insurance will help take care of this. I think I can make a strong case of medical necessity. It hurts my back, it makes it difficult to exercise, etc... I'll post the letter when I get to the point of submitting my clinical for review. For the sake of transparency, I will tell you that I work with the nurses who make the determinations for bariatric surgery (lapband), and possibly covered procedures (panniculectomy). Working with them does not make my chances any greater for insurance paying. I worry. Just like everyone else. I don't even care about a tummy tuck (although that would be nice), but I just want this grotesque hanging meat GONE. Once I get to my goal weight, I'm going to start the authorization process, so that will be (fingers crossed) late spring, early summer. Please share any experiences you've had, I'd appreciate it.

I love Saturday mornings. I can lazily lay in bed and think (until the kids come in). It's a nice time to reflect, and this morning I was pondering my fortieth birthday coming up, and how things have changed since my last birthday. I was working on getting my approval for surgery this time last year. I was miserable, but I was working on losing weight (I think I was in the 280's), but I still felt like crap. I was embarassed to have people come over because it was so difficult to get off of any of our sofas. I'd have to do this rock & heave maneuver. Very unattractive. I was off soda and caffeine, and that along with other interventions, was making my Fibromyalgia much more tolerable. At that point, I was dreaming about how things could be by my fortieth birthday. It seemed so far away, and I was nervous to even want the things I was hoping for. But, guess what? I HAVE THEM. IT REALLY WORKED! I weigh less than my husband, and below 200 lbs. I can get off of sofas, or into cars, or whatever I want! The other night my husband jokingly (huh huh huh, as he'd say in French) threw me on the bed, and was shocked by the NINJA moves I made to escape his evil intents! He was quite impressed. I like,no LOVE, my life now. It's amazing to be on the other side of this. So, all you bandbabies... this will happen for you, too. IT WILL. And in retrospect, it's all fast and much simpler. Dare to dream about one year from now. I dare you.

Hello? Posting my graphic and hideous picture.

Yesterday, I ended with 1400 calories and 67 grams of protein. I have no food plans on the weekends. I let the force (aka band) guide me. I usually keep a little mental tally of calories, and I try to eat protein first, but I don't count grams. It's very flexable. Just like me (wink wink).

Friday, January 8, 2010

I will die on my sword...

... over the soda issue. I was reading Babbles of a Bandster yesterday, and Amy quite innocently asked about drinking carbonation. Well! This subject really gets my attention, and not just because of my horrid addiction to diet wild cherry pepsi. My dear friends, I was off soda for over a year. It was not difficult, I had no withdrawal, and no cravings. My abstinance coincided with my surgery, but I actually stopped drinking caffeine for my Fibromyalgia symptoms. About two months ago, I decided to take a sip. And then another, and now??? That's not important.

What's important is, why is this "rule" for bandsters to not drink carbonation in place? Is there any evidence? Studies? Literature? Does anyone know someone whose band exploded or whose pouch became the size of a football as a direct consequence of drinking soda? So, after a bit of thinking, I decided to do a little experiment. What does soda actually DO in our stomachs? I can't measure that exactly for the obvious reason, but I had the bright idea that my MOUTH was in my body, and if I figured out what soda did sitting there, I'd have a good idea what it's doing a bit further down.

So, for the sake of science, I drank some diet wild cherry pepsi. ALOT of it. Here are my findings: I took a regular sized amount of one sip that I'd usually take. I let the soda sit in my mouth. I was attempting to assess the amount of pressure I feel, or if the soda expands, or what exactly it does. For about 10 seconds of the soda in my mouth, my tongue could appreciate the tingling of the carbonation. My mucous membranes did not appreciate any carbonation. Not only did the soda not expand, the carbonation rapidly decayed in approximately 10 seconds (depending on the size of the sip), and by the time I swallowed the soda the carbonation was completely gone.

My theory is that since the carbonation provided no appreciable pressure (as in NONE, nada, ZIP)in my mouth, that's probably what it does in my pouch and or stomach. And, that's assuming the carbonation has not fizzed out by the time it reaches my pouch. And, for me, liquids go straight through. They are sliders for me. So, in conclusion, I should stop drinking soda for my fibro symptoms, and not for some inane reason. Soda is BAD. There are plenty of studies to show that. I just want to make sure I'm doing the right things for the right reasons. But, I'm still going to drink my DIET WILD CHERRY PEPSI because I love it, I'm going to marry it!!! Ok, enough.

I weighed myself IN FRONT of my husband this morning! I've not ever done that, ever, never, ever. He now knows how much I weigh. 191. I think I'm going to make my birthday goal (hooray). Wait! rewind, replay... I WEIGH 191lbs! 191!!!Unbefruckingleavable!!!

Yesterday I had 1150 calories, 73 grams protein. I've got 49 grams of protein planned for during the day today. Weekends I'm not so planned, but I usually end up doing ok anyway. Happy Friday everyone!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Beach & Moon

My husband had a Swiss roommate who once asked him, "so what's this beach and the moon?", because he had heard the phrase "bitch and moan" quite a bit. I bring that up because I'd like to address the beaching & mooning I've been doing about... yes... again... my holiday weight gain! I know I've been complaining alot about it, but this morning I have a different perspective on the issue. Let me ask a question. Have you ever been on a plateau even when your calories were REALLY restricted? Anyone? One trick I've learned over multiple weight loss attempts is that by increasing my calorie intake by even two or three hundred calories for a few days, my body gets out of starvation mode, and I start to lose weight much faster. Well, that's what is happening with my holiday weight gain, and my weight is dropping quickly now that I've returned to my protein and water. I should have remembered that instead of stressing and beaching and mooning about my stupid half pound. I'm done.

This isn't really a b&m, but I've made an observation. I work with a bunch of nurses (because I am one), and we're a very straight forward bunch. So, my coworkers are not afraid to comment on personal issues, especially if they appear to be of a medical nature, like WEIGHT LOSS. But, I think this might happen for many people. Here it is: people are asking when I'm going to stop losing weight because I look good, and I shouldn't get too skinny. PEOPLE, I'M STILL 35 LBS AWAY FROM BEING ON THE HIGH END OF A NORMAL WEIGHT FOR MY HEIGHT. No one questions already skinny people on why they are thin. But previously obese people? We don't get that luxury. I can deal with this. Honestly, I can. It's just something I've noticed.

I'm blogging everyday. That's not something I would normally do. I overcame my internal barrier and opened myself up. Even if I'm the only one who ever reads this,I still made myself vulnerable. Again, this is probably not a big deal for some people, but it is for me. Woot.

Yesterday I finished off with a little over 1200 calories, and 65 grams of protein. Today I've got 56 grams of protein planned for during the day, so that should set me up to get in more protein than yesterday. Oh, and yesterday... I ate the damn popcorn!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Secret Goal Confession

Since before I even decided on being banded, I had a secret goal of being a size 12 by my fortieth birthday. Well, I turn forty on the 19th, which is now less than two weeks away, and it's not looking like I will make my goal by my actual birth date. The pants I've been wearing are a size 16, and they fit best just out of the dryer (yes, DRYER- not dried on a rack!), and they fit all weird the rest of the time. I can wear a size 14 jeans, but just because I CAN, doesn't mean I SHOULD- if you know what I mean. So, I then modified my birthday goal to just be in the 180's by my b-day. After my Christimas GAIN, I didn't even want to make the 180's a goal because I thought over five pounds in two weeks is too much a stretch (especially because I'm not working out, and that subject is next). BUT, there was a Christmas miracle today! The scale said 193! So, I'm going to be brave and confess my secret goal... I want to be in the 180's by 01-19-10.

Now, to the subject of EXERCISE. Band blogger Colleen who writes on "This time I mean it", had the ultimate exercise question. Basically, if we like to exercise, and we like the results, why don't we do it? I'm going to go out on a limb here, but I think most of us have some form of exercise that we actually like. I didn't like to move AT all at my heaviest. But, there was a time when I enjoyed running. ALOT. My body is liberal and generous with endorphins. When I was in my best shape, I was running between three and ten miles a day. After the first 1/2 mile, I would literally be floating... my mind was clear, and it was just an amazing feeling. And as equally satisfying? I was 119 lbs and a size 6 (out of the dryer size 6!), and at 5'7", that's nice and lean. So, why am I not running now that I'm at a weight where I could easily do so? Seriously, I'm ASKING. I don't know the answer to that. I really don't.

Spontaneous report: Ski date set for the 16th. But, I don't know what to wear! And, I'm not going to look cute. :(

Food report: Yesterday, I ended up with a little over 1200 calories, and 65 grams of protein. Todays menu is turkey sausage, whole wheat waffle, greek yogurt, pepper jack cheese, SmartOnes turkey w/ gravy & mashed potatoes, and of course I have no idea what's on the dinner menu. So my daytime tally is 600 calories, 47 grams of protein. I have the popcorn again, but haven't needed it. I had a really BAD episode of hypoglycemia last week (which I don't usually have unless I'm preggers, and I'M NOT pregnant), so that made me a little concerned- I had to stop to buy food on the way home because I was shaking and so sick. I've been bringing the popcorn carbs with me ever since. Anyway, that problem is hopefully completely resolved, but I'm prepared if not!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Burned on my brain...

I can't get my "before" picture out of my head. The only reason I knew it existed is because my husband was downloading one day, and asked me if I wanted that one deleted? Luckily, my vanity did not prevail over my sanity, and I told him to save it. I wasn't embarrassed by the picture, but really intrigued by it. Was that REALLY me? My daughter looked at the pic last night and said she doesn't even remember that I looked like that (she put it delicately). So, last night, I had to, HAD TO try on the pants that I had on in that before pic. They happen to be the only "fat" pants I saved. They are a size 28. I posted the pictures of me trying on my old pants, they are at the bottom. In the new pics, I'm in a pink shirt (just in case you can't tell the "before" from "2/3 of the way there"...).

Moving on, can I just say that I wish I had time to respond to everyones blogs? There are so many, many thought provoking comments. Little Miss Sunkist asked the question "how is the band different than a diet?", and I've been thinking lots about that. Here's what I've boiled my thoughts down to. It's not different. It's a performance enhancing tool. Just like an athlete who takes performance enhancing drugs... they still are an athlete. I am a dieter. And, as the holidays plainly showed me, I am going to need to watch what and how I eat, even with my tool, if I wish to not weigh 300 pounds. That's the honest truth.

Spontaneous report: My son is going to take off on Jan 16th to teach me to ski. He was that excited... he is planning on taking off an entire day just for me, to give me private lessons. This weight loss is not only improving me, but improving so many relationships. I am going to ski with my son! Enjoy with him his passion! That is a real NSV!!!

Food report: I ended up with 1200 calories, and over 80 grams protein. Today, I'm eating a sausage & cheese bagel, rasp/choc delight yogurt, pepper jack cheese, Lean Cuisine roasted garlic & chicken, and if I get to it (which I didn't yesterday) the popcorn. That would be another 700 calories, but only 45 grams of protein. I have therapy tonight (I WILL be sharing more about that at some point), so I end up doing well on Tuesday evenings because there simply isn't time to be naughty.

Thanks for the comments, on my blog and on YOURS. You ALL are so wonderful. I'm so lucky!

Monday, January 4, 2010

Holiday damage and NSV (for balance)

Weighed in this morning. Up half a pound, the scale says 195 lbs. That was pretty much what I had tallied in my head, but I was still hoping. This is my first weight gain since being banded. I'm trying to keep this in perspective, and not beat myself up, or feel like I lost it. I know it was the holidays, and food is just a part of that, and not worry about a little gain. It was ironic because some of my indulgences really weren't that fun. I allowed myself some wiggle room (obviously!), but I guess what concerns me is why I would continue even when it wasn't all that enjoyable. I'm so glad I found my "before" picture, because it reminds me of when I ate like that all the time. Constantly eating, but hardly ever enjoying. Now, I really enjoy food, most of the time.

Now for the NSV. Over the weekend, my sixteen year old daughter and I went clothes shopping. I'm not going crazy with that yet because I'm still losing, BUT when I'm at goal, I fully plan on making clothes shopping my cross addiction. Anyway, one year ago I would not have dared to hope or dream that I'd be shopping with my daughter- literally in the SAME stores. She goes for the smalls and I head straight for the XL's... but these are in teenager stores! And, I can buy them! Yes, I also plan on mid-life crisising (is that a word, probably not) by trying to dress like a teenager (mom's who wear teens jeans, anyone?)... ok, maybe not dress completely like a teen, but at least have the option if I want to! I think my daughter is stuck between being super proud of me, and terrified I'm going to fit into her clothes. With that thought, I am again focused on getting in my protein and water, and my kitchen is cleaned out of all holiday temptations, and I'm back to where I want to be.

What will I be eating today? Oatmeal, greek yogurt, cottage cheese, turkey pepperoni, sweet & spicy tuna, 100 calorie popcorn. That's 700 calories and 69 grams of protein!! I know we're not supposed to keep track of calories, but it's hard for me not to when I'm already counting protein grams. Dinner is usually about 400 calories worth of whatever I make for the family, and also one mini drumstick cone. Has anyone else tried these? They are the REAL deal, but smaller, and less than 150 calories per cone. So, even if you aren't counting calories, and you want a ice cream treat, this has been the perfect portioned controlled indulgence I've found. Yum.

Spontaneous report: I'm thinking I'm going to let my son teach me to ski. He's an avid skier, works year round at a resort... and I've never even BEEN on skis. He wants us to come stay with him later in the month, and I think he'll be so happy when I finally let him teach me. Wow.

Sunday, January 3, 2010


From Websters Dictionary-
"proceeding from natural feeling or native tendency without external constraint"

That's my "word" for the year. Other close runners up were "true" and "us", but "spontaneous" seemed to encompass it all. Taking the chance on surgery was for me a risky move. It probably wouldn't be for some people, but I've spent my entire adult life with as many internal as external constraints. Always putting children, career, anything other than myself first. Doing this for ME was a huge step. Along those lines, I've tried to stuff any negative feelings, and always put on my strong front for everyone, and in that process I was not true to myself. That made me physically sick (ie- fibromyalgia and fat). And, not also was I always putting myself last, but my sweet husband as well. This weight loss has made me feel happy and I feel free of a terrible physical burden. I am trying to be true to myself and accept all my feelings without judgement, which is also freeing me of heavy emotional burden. I'm making my relationship with my husband my top priority. And, I'm taking risks and doing things I never would allow myself to previously do- going on little weekend get aways, trying expensive restaurants, going out with Mr. Wonderful as often as possible, just the two of us. Everyone in my family is happier now that I'm approaching life this way. My children are so supportive of me spending time on myself, I think they can see and feel a huge difference. I will keep myself accountable by updating my blog on how I'm doing with being SPONTANEOUS in 2010.

Food for today:
Two pieces of pizza, 3 small breadsticks, 18 whoppers (that's one serving size- and then I flushed the entire rest of the box down the toilet. there's one floater in the guest bathroom, can't wait until someone comes across THAT!). Have I mentioned I can't wait to get back to our daily routine? Oh, and I weigh myself tomorrow morning... I really hope I've just held steady. Fingers crossed, MOUTH SHUT!!!

Saturday, January 2, 2010

One and Only Before Picture

That is it. The very bottom picture, in the purple t-shirt. Me at my highest weight, 299 whopping pounds, at least that's all I ever witnessed on my scale. This was taken at my sons fourth birthday party September 30, 2008. It was right around this time that I found out my insurance plan had bought the rider to cover bariatric surgery. Seriously, I was sick with worry that they wouldn't approve me. I don't think I could have been more miserable. This kind of makes me want to rethink the "I'll eat anything I want to" post from yesterday. The holidays suck, I'm glad there's only one more day left of this weekend, and I seriously think I'm going to throw out any sugary foods we have left in the house. Holy hell.

Friday, January 1, 2010

**Holiday Eating & the Band**

I'm gonna start at the end here. I enjoy food, and plan to always enjoy food. There is nothing off limits for me. Admittedly, it made me a little nervous to be around so many rich foods as frequently as during the holidays, but I think I made it out ok. Unfortunately, I was PMSing over the Christmas weekend, which makes me
"snacky", and THAT kinda made me nervous. But, that's over, and I feel much saner and in control of my eating. We went to two movies today, I ate some popcorn during the first movie, and was interested in none of it during the second. We also went out for Mexican food, and I had a teensy bit of everything, and I was SATISFIED. This is the way life was meant to be!!!

It will be nice to get back to my regular eating habits, and back to my weight loss. I've been at a steady two pound loss per week. Sometimes it doesn't budge for a couple of weeks, and then WHOOSH, all gone. Plus, I try to be forgiving of hormonal weight. Even skinny girls weigh more during their cycles. So, my AVERAGE loss has been two pounds a week. I think I've at least held steady over Christmas and New Years. I'll find out on Monday.

So, this is what I ate today: protein bar, popcorn WITH butter, a few cheese fries, two bites of a bean burrito, one quarter of a candycane milkshake (I HAD TO DO THAT), some sugar free Halls, and some diet coke (yes, I'm naughty, SURPRISE!), and that's it. That should paint the picture of why I'm actually excited to get back to being good with my protein and water, which I usually follow religously. Except during the HOLIdays... oops...


Oh! My! I don't think I look so good in pictures. But, there they are for all the world to see. Good thing (thank YOU band)- I only have ONE chin! My hair is so thin becaue I lost half of it... that problem seems to have slowed down, and I have baby hairs everywhere. But, it still is very thin. Hopefully, soon the rest of me will follow suit.