This is a refreshing blog: http://xbigjimxtoxmedjimx.blogspot.com/
PS- I can't leave you comments, can you allow access?
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
This moment
Not everything is perfect, but I am finally at a place in my life where I have learned to focus on happiness. Alot of credit goes to me- but lots also goes elsewhere.... my band, Mr. W, therapy, and good friends. My life IS better not fat and that is the honest truth. I say all this not to be boastful, but because I am so grateful. I am chubby- size 12 is not skinny. But I feel wonderful even though I NEVER MADE IT TO GOAL.
We were at a party with some friends last night. I was talking with two girlfriends who are way thinner than me. They work out tons and watch everything they eat. They avoid bread and desserts, not just in day to day life, but always. And you know what? I think it's crazy!!!
This is where I am grateful for my band. I CAN eat half of a breadstick, or a bite of raspberry cream tart- and NOT lose control. And you know what else? I didn't feel any less attractive or sexy because I'm two sizes larger than they are.
There was a time when I would have been upset with myself for not reaching goal or be embarrassed because I have cellulite on my thighs. But HELL! I don't weigh 300 lbs and a woman in her forties is entitled to a non-perfect body! Especially because it means I can enjoy food. Did I mention I am so grateful???
I am two and a half years out from my band surgery and my band is STILL working for me. The Mirena weight is off- my weight has been stable enough for a week that I'm ready to call it good. It took me since the beginning of October. I lost about one pound per week. At first, I counted protein and calories. Now, I'm just following band rules. I eat protein first. We eat out every day- I'm back to skipping ordering if I'm not hungry, and saving or throwing away at least half of my meal. It's worth it! I couldn't do that without help from my band.
I am learning to enjoy the here and now and am creating my own life. It has been a struggle for me to finally to discover all of this- and as frustrating as it is that it took me so long, I am so grateful to finally be here in this moment.
We were at a party with some friends last night. I was talking with two girlfriends who are way thinner than me. They work out tons and watch everything they eat. They avoid bread and desserts, not just in day to day life, but always. And you know what? I think it's crazy!!!
This is where I am grateful for my band. I CAN eat half of a breadstick, or a bite of raspberry cream tart- and NOT lose control. And you know what else? I didn't feel any less attractive or sexy because I'm two sizes larger than they are.
There was a time when I would have been upset with myself for not reaching goal or be embarrassed because I have cellulite on my thighs. But HELL! I don't weigh 300 lbs and a woman in her forties is entitled to a non-perfect body! Especially because it means I can enjoy food. Did I mention I am so grateful???
I am two and a half years out from my band surgery and my band is STILL working for me. The Mirena weight is off- my weight has been stable enough for a week that I'm ready to call it good. It took me since the beginning of October. I lost about one pound per week. At first, I counted protein and calories. Now, I'm just following band rules. I eat protein first. We eat out every day- I'm back to skipping ordering if I'm not hungry, and saving or throwing away at least half of my meal. It's worth it! I couldn't do that without help from my band.
I am learning to enjoy the here and now and am creating my own life. It has been a struggle for me to finally to discover all of this- and as frustrating as it is that it took me so long, I am so grateful to finally be here in this moment.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Worried about weight gain???
Ahhhh. It felt so good tonight to go catch up on blog reading. I've been MIA because things have been so good, not bad (in case you were worried). My work is AWESOME- I'm in a really great project, and have not had any regrets about leaving my high paying, yet dignity prostituting job. Who knew telling someone to stick it could feel SO DAMN GOOD???
We've been doing alot socially, which is why I haven't had time even on the weekends for blogging pleasure. Last weekend we had our annual Holloween party. I was Nicki Minaj and Mr. W was Lil Wayne- from the song "Knock Out". It was fun tramping it up, because isn't that what Holloween is all about? Mr. W looked sexy in his dreads and grill. Did I take pics? Maybe two- maybe I'll see if they are ok, and post. Don't hold your breath (I still have my picture issue).
So, I'll get to the point of why we are all here: weight gain. I have stated this previously, but in case you missed it- the reason I got weight loss surgery wasn't to lose weight, but to keep it off. I've been comfortable in the low-mid 170's for well over a year. No real work whatsoever at the maintenance phase.
When I was actively losing, I did count protein and calories (since I was there anyway), drank gobs of water, and weighed myself every day. The band was one of my weight loss tools. It augmented the other tools I was utilizing by helping me to recognize full signals and appropriate portion sizes.
And that's what I wanted out of my band in the maintenance phase- just a reminder of what's a "normal" way of eating (for me, which is another post in itself).
With the weight I've gained from the Mirena- it's caused me to actually have to focus on my weight and utilize other tools besides what the band can offer me in my quest. I've "almost" lost the Mirena pounds twice now. But, I have to journal what I'm eating. I weigh myself. And exercise- which I really only want to do for fun and not for weight loss, because for me that's not maintainable. I go through exercise periods, but it's never constant, and not the most reliable way of keeping weight off from my personal experience.
THE BIGGEST THING I'VE LEARNED ABOUT WEIGHT GAIN IS THIS: NOT TO BE AFRAID OF FOOD. Blogging has been where I've worked out my relationship with food. It's brain fucking to have your body reward you for over eating chemically, and then in another part of your brain feel intense loss of control and guilt. All at the same time. WTF?
So, with the lapband- I will eat yumminess, because I want to enjoy my life. I now eat yumminess responsibly! Sometimes it's saving calories. I'm not a daytime eater, so it's no biggie for me to eat less during the day, if I know I'm going to want to drink or eat something special that evening. Often times, it's portion control- a few slow savoring bites are every bit as rewarding in the brain as a pig out- without triggering the guilt portion of the brain. It's genious, no?
And, in all honesty- if the band doesn't work for me (it is supposed to be doing some work, too)- then I will not hesitate to pursue further weight loss surgery options. There seem to be so many things stacked against me in the obesity battle, that I'm willing to do what it takes on my end, to level the playing field.
I have lost my weight- at least to the point where I'm happy- 170's, size 12. I still weigh myself almost every day. When my weight goes up- I track protein and calories. It looks like I will never be one of those people who don't need to watch or be careful when it comes to their weight.
Our weights are always going to fluctuate. Our brains and fat cells are programmed with our obesity patterns. But, just like with any chronic illness- it can be managed. Even though I've been spoiled with a year of not having to watch what I'm eating, I'm willing to do it (again and forever) if necessary (damn you Mirena). I'm not cured of this disease, but my quality of life is very high.
I could go on here, but I did take my Ambien, and that often ends strangely here on my blog. My point is, let's stick together. I was reading tonight more than a few of us who are out 2 or so years worried about being a statistic. There are reasonable options for us, but we need to be realistic about where an obtainable AND maintainable place is for us to be. I'm wondering if we need to define success more accurately?
We've been doing alot socially, which is why I haven't had time even on the weekends for blogging pleasure. Last weekend we had our annual Holloween party. I was Nicki Minaj and Mr. W was Lil Wayne- from the song "Knock Out". It was fun tramping it up, because isn't that what Holloween is all about? Mr. W looked sexy in his dreads and grill. Did I take pics? Maybe two- maybe I'll see if they are ok, and post. Don't hold your breath (I still have my picture issue).
So, I'll get to the point of why we are all here: weight gain. I have stated this previously, but in case you missed it- the reason I got weight loss surgery wasn't to lose weight, but to keep it off. I've been comfortable in the low-mid 170's for well over a year. No real work whatsoever at the maintenance phase.
When I was actively losing, I did count protein and calories (since I was there anyway), drank gobs of water, and weighed myself every day. The band was one of my weight loss tools. It augmented the other tools I was utilizing by helping me to recognize full signals and appropriate portion sizes.
And that's what I wanted out of my band in the maintenance phase- just a reminder of what's a "normal" way of eating (for me, which is another post in itself).
With the weight I've gained from the Mirena- it's caused me to actually have to focus on my weight and utilize other tools besides what the band can offer me in my quest. I've "almost" lost the Mirena pounds twice now. But, I have to journal what I'm eating. I weigh myself. And exercise- which I really only want to do for fun and not for weight loss, because for me that's not maintainable. I go through exercise periods, but it's never constant, and not the most reliable way of keeping weight off from my personal experience.
THE BIGGEST THING I'VE LEARNED ABOUT WEIGHT GAIN IS THIS: NOT TO BE AFRAID OF FOOD. Blogging has been where I've worked out my relationship with food. It's brain fucking to have your body reward you for over eating chemically, and then in another part of your brain feel intense loss of control and guilt. All at the same time. WTF?
So, with the lapband- I will eat yumminess, because I want to enjoy my life. I now eat yumminess responsibly! Sometimes it's saving calories. I'm not a daytime eater, so it's no biggie for me to eat less during the day, if I know I'm going to want to drink or eat something special that evening. Often times, it's portion control- a few slow savoring bites are every bit as rewarding in the brain as a pig out- without triggering the guilt portion of the brain. It's genious, no?
And, in all honesty- if the band doesn't work for me (it is supposed to be doing some work, too)- then I will not hesitate to pursue further weight loss surgery options. There seem to be so many things stacked against me in the obesity battle, that I'm willing to do what it takes on my end, to level the playing field.
I have lost my weight- at least to the point where I'm happy- 170's, size 12. I still weigh myself almost every day. When my weight goes up- I track protein and calories. It looks like I will never be one of those people who don't need to watch or be careful when it comes to their weight.
Our weights are always going to fluctuate. Our brains and fat cells are programmed with our obesity patterns. But, just like with any chronic illness- it can be managed. Even though I've been spoiled with a year of not having to watch what I'm eating, I'm willing to do it (again and forever) if necessary (damn you Mirena). I'm not cured of this disease, but my quality of life is very high.
I could go on here, but I did take my Ambien, and that often ends strangely here on my blog. My point is, let's stick together. I was reading tonight more than a few of us who are out 2 or so years worried about being a statistic. There are reasonable options for us, but we need to be realistic about where an obtainable AND maintainable place is for us to be. I'm wondering if we need to define success more accurately?
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Hired, left hand, Maryland, cancer, and twins
Thanks for the welcome back. It's funny because I randomly think about blogging friends, mostly during day to day activities. I should start a log and post THAT. I am so glad I quite that job. So many little things and many you can only find out during unusual circumstances (aka "my life story").
Quick post tonight. I was officially hired at my old job. I've got a couple of weeks off, HR can't get everything together until that very first week in October. I have a two week vacation!
Since I do have time, I'm flying out to my parents house in Maryland on Thursday and taking my 6 year old as a birthday present. The town's fallfest is this weekend- parades, rides, food, you name it. Looks like it's supposed to rain. Booo. We'll still find plenty to do. I would really like to take him to the Smithsonian.
Since I also have time, I'm going to go get this thing that just recently popped up on my face looked at. I think it is a basal cell carcinoma. 3/10 people get it, and it has a 99% cure rate. There's probably a few people reading this that no more than I do about the subject.
Oh, I forgot to mention LEFT HAND. Did anyone else see the article on CNN today? If you eat with your nondominate hand, you will eat 30% less food. If it's something you're really not that crazy about eating (stale popcorn was the example given)- you could eat up to 60% less.
Things are right for us. We been having lots of "perfect moments". Kinda nice, wish it would stay like this, it's the way life should be. I'll enjoy it while I have it...
Quick post tonight. I was officially hired at my old job. I've got a couple of weeks off, HR can't get everything together until that very first week in October. I have a two week vacation!
Since I do have time, I'm flying out to my parents house in Maryland on Thursday and taking my 6 year old as a birthday present. The town's fallfest is this weekend- parades, rides, food, you name it. Looks like it's supposed to rain. Booo. We'll still find plenty to do. I would really like to take him to the Smithsonian.
Since I also have time, I'm going to go get this thing that just recently popped up on my face looked at. I think it is a basal cell carcinoma. 3/10 people get it, and it has a 99% cure rate. There's probably a few people reading this that no more than I do about the subject.
Oh, I forgot to mention LEFT HAND. Did anyone else see the article on CNN today? If you eat with your nondominate hand, you will eat 30% less food. If it's something you're really not that crazy about eating (stale popcorn was the example given)- you could eat up to 60% less.
Things are right for us. We been having lots of "perfect moments". Kinda nice, wish it would stay like this, it's the way life should be. I'll enjoy it while I have it...
Saturday, September 17, 2011
I am back- for good!
I have been working extremely hard during the past month at my new job. Learning lots! The traveling has not been as bad as I was dreading. My family was getting along reasonably well. Everything was coming along as expected. Until Friday afternoon. I won't bore anyone with the details, but I was put in a no win situation by my boss. There were completely false lines being drawn. When I offered my input, I was honestly told to not speak to her that way, and that I was being defensive and kept interrupting. Ok. Obviously this person does not know me. At all. It was made very clear that she was not interested in hearing anything other than what she had already made up in her mind. The lines of two way communication and direct problem solving were slammed shut. Hard.
This interaction blew the wind right out of my sails. My learning curve has been moving along quickly, and I found lots of enjoyment in things that I was told I would not like. I'm sure there's plenty of help and correction that could be given to me at this point. I'm tired and probably not explaining this well- but as Mr. W put it- I am willing to work too hard, and give too much- for anyone to treat me in such a condescending manner.
No money is worth it. Some of the most wealthy people I know, are also some of the most unhappy people I know. I do not need to take what is tantamount to abuse, just to make money. I was happy at my old job, and they are eager to have me return. I must be spoiled, but this is the first time in my career that I've ever encountered this level of... I don't even know what to call it. But I know that I don't need to put up with it.
So, my previous job is willing to take me back. It would be great if it could be Monday morning, but we'll have to get through some HR stuff. I called the trainer at my new job, and let her know my intentions. I wasn't sure who to send my resignation to in the HR department. I also want to try to determine if it is better to stay for two weeks, or just go since I'm in training and it's really a waste of everyone's time and money for me to stay. I think I'll be at home on Monday...
It's weird, but I feel as comfortable in my decision to leave this job as I did with my decision to go to it. I've gained a course on some important concepts in this industry, and some new ways of looking at some very dynamic situations. I've lost nothing here. Strangely, I did not see this coming. It took the wind out of my sails completely on Friday afternnon, but I'm not stressed or worried, and the right thing to do is very clear.
Good news- my bloat is finally good, my stomach looked great in jeans this evening. I might try to weigh myself tomorrow- it's been well over a month. I feel empowered to spend some time watching what I eat, and I'm ready to lose a little more weight.
I'm getting tired, but I did want to announce that I'm back. And happy about it. I'm excited to read what's been going on with everyone. I've missed this part of my life alot.
This interaction blew the wind right out of my sails. My learning curve has been moving along quickly, and I found lots of enjoyment in things that I was told I would not like. I'm sure there's plenty of help and correction that could be given to me at this point. I'm tired and probably not explaining this well- but as Mr. W put it- I am willing to work too hard, and give too much- for anyone to treat me in such a condescending manner.
No money is worth it. Some of the most wealthy people I know, are also some of the most unhappy people I know. I do not need to take what is tantamount to abuse, just to make money. I was happy at my old job, and they are eager to have me return. I must be spoiled, but this is the first time in my career that I've ever encountered this level of... I don't even know what to call it. But I know that I don't need to put up with it.
So, my previous job is willing to take me back. It would be great if it could be Monday morning, but we'll have to get through some HR stuff. I called the trainer at my new job, and let her know my intentions. I wasn't sure who to send my resignation to in the HR department. I also want to try to determine if it is better to stay for two weeks, or just go since I'm in training and it's really a waste of everyone's time and money for me to stay. I think I'll be at home on Monday...
It's weird, but I feel as comfortable in my decision to leave this job as I did with my decision to go to it. I've gained a course on some important concepts in this industry, and some new ways of looking at some very dynamic situations. I've lost nothing here. Strangely, I did not see this coming. It took the wind out of my sails completely on Friday afternnon, but I'm not stressed or worried, and the right thing to do is very clear.
Good news- my bloat is finally good, my stomach looked great in jeans this evening. I might try to weigh myself tomorrow- it's been well over a month. I feel empowered to spend some time watching what I eat, and I'm ready to lose a little more weight.
I'm getting tired, but I did want to announce that I'm back. And happy about it. I'm excited to read what's been going on with everyone. I've missed this part of my life alot.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
This is it... & thank you
Life as I know it will never be the same after tomorrow. It's my last day working for the company I've been with for eight years. My husband works for the same company, and we've been driving to work together for years- sometimes it's the only time we get with each other. Of course I've been doing the countdown... "this is the last Thursday we'll ever do this" kind of thing. And at work, I just pretend like everything is normal, and that there will be another day. After tomorrow, there isn't.
I'm excited to get started in my new job... mainly to get over the first few months- quickly. I like to be good at what I do, but I also love to learn- which means I need to do things I'm not good at yet. I am absolutely beyond happy to get this experience. I fly out to Philadelphia on Sunday, and then I officially start on my next chapter in life.
Did I mention that my stepson has come to live with us? We were able to get him into the same private school that our six year old goes to, and I think this is going to work out very well. We had such a nice visit over the summer- honestly the first enjoyable visit probably ever. Not that it was the kids fault- it was usually a mix of many unfortunate factors. Anyway, I think with me being gone alot, it's going to give Mr. W and his sons time together without my interference. I don't believe in coincidence, and this is could be an unbelievable opportunity.
Weight. It's still up from the Mirena weight, but edging back down. I'm a little frustrated because I'm not eating differently than before... my body really is reacting differently. I'm down two of the five pounds, and will hopefully get the rest off soon. I feel really chubby and I think I look bloated. I really don't want a battle over this, and am hoping this weight resolves itself while I'm alone. I'm a social eater, and don't really eat unless other people are around. Ugh. I've so enjoyed this past year and not having to fight to be at a weight I was ok with (170-175, depending on the time of month). I'm freaking if I see 180. I am truly, honestly and really happy at around 170.
This is really it. The last night I'm going to be able to blog like this. Comfy, cozy, snuggled up in my bed... hurrying before the ambien hits... reading "just a couple" of blogs... I'll still blog, but everything in my life will be different, and I think even better. If I haven't said it in awhile- thank you band, for giving me my life back, and in some ways a new life. Thank you.
I'm excited to get started in my new job... mainly to get over the first few months- quickly. I like to be good at what I do, but I also love to learn- which means I need to do things I'm not good at yet. I am absolutely beyond happy to get this experience. I fly out to Philadelphia on Sunday, and then I officially start on my next chapter in life.
Did I mention that my stepson has come to live with us? We were able to get him into the same private school that our six year old goes to, and I think this is going to work out very well. We had such a nice visit over the summer- honestly the first enjoyable visit probably ever. Not that it was the kids fault- it was usually a mix of many unfortunate factors. Anyway, I think with me being gone alot, it's going to give Mr. W and his sons time together without my interference. I don't believe in coincidence, and this is could be an unbelievable opportunity.
Weight. It's still up from the Mirena weight, but edging back down. I'm a little frustrated because I'm not eating differently than before... my body really is reacting differently. I'm down two of the five pounds, and will hopefully get the rest off soon. I feel really chubby and I think I look bloated. I really don't want a battle over this, and am hoping this weight resolves itself while I'm alone. I'm a social eater, and don't really eat unless other people are around. Ugh. I've so enjoyed this past year and not having to fight to be at a weight I was ok with (170-175, depending on the time of month). I'm freaking if I see 180. I am truly, honestly and really happy at around 170.
This is really it. The last night I'm going to be able to blog like this. Comfy, cozy, snuggled up in my bed... hurrying before the ambien hits... reading "just a couple" of blogs... I'll still blog, but everything in my life will be different, and I think even better. If I haven't said it in awhile- thank you band, for giving me my life back, and in some ways a new life. Thank you.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Now it's bloggers fault!
The inability to leave comments cascaded into the inability to access my blog correctly altogether. And then I just kind of gave up with it. I did want to mention how much I appreciate the comments from new (to me) bloggers.
I am in the last two weeks of my current job. Furiously ending projects, passing them onto the service providers, training people like mad, and trying to organize the way I should have been all along. It blows my mind that one year ago, I knew I needed just one amazing project to stand out- and hit the jackpot with my very first assignment. I was in disbelief even while it was happening that it was what it was. And I was able to deliver on everything after that, and one year later- I feel like I can blow it out of the water. I'm excited to take my skills to the next level. I have had amazing mentoring and education, and have worked my ass off.
I've also been getting ready for my new job almost every second that I'm not at my old job. My new license picture is HORRIBLE, but I LOVE IT. I'm not 300 lbs in it! Just a little bit startled. Yes!
Shopping has become an ironic punishment from hell. I've had to do so much of it, and since the things I need generally are not on sale, I'm extremely picky. For full price, clothes have to almost transform me. Here's a hint: I've been purposely shopping without make-up on, because if I can look great in an outfit without it... I know it will only be even better when I wear it for real.
Oh, and I also had the bright idea to get Mirena (IUD) so I don't get my period while I'm traveling. I asked my doctor if she thought that was a crazy idea, and she said that other women had done it for the same reason. When I had one previously, I wasn't mental, it cleared my skin, and I never had my period. This time however- I'VE GAINED WEIGHT. Five ligitimate pounds. I AM NOT A HAPPY CAMPER ABOUT THIS. The only things that are keeping me from ripping it out myself are 1) I know side effects generally wear off (and I'm only about 4 weeks into this) and 2) I will be traveling, and probably not eating, and that will hopefully take this stupid weight off. I have not done a real thing to maintain my weight loss, but I have not ruled out having to actually count calories or put some effort into this if my weight doesn't normalize.
The kids all start school right around the time I start my job. My step-son unexpectedly came to live with us. The month we spent with the kids this summer was so good- we gave him an open invitation. Much to everyone's surprise, his mother (a general term for her...) agreed. So, we're putting him in the same private school that our 6 year old goes to. Expensive, but worth the peace of mind. He gave us zero grief about the decision, and while I know he's a teenager and will often act like one, I think he's going to do very well with all of this.
It seems like there has been so much else going on. Literally not a second to spare, but it's all been positive. Even with the weight gain, I still wear the same size, and clothes look fine. The weight is water, I can see the "bloat"...gross. Anyway, other than THAT, everything is good. And I've still been sneaking in reading blogs, even though I was ticked, and blogger refused to cooperate on my end. Now I'm off to read a little more, and go.to.sleep!
I am in the last two weeks of my current job. Furiously ending projects, passing them onto the service providers, training people like mad, and trying to organize the way I should have been all along. It blows my mind that one year ago, I knew I needed just one amazing project to stand out- and hit the jackpot with my very first assignment. I was in disbelief even while it was happening that it was what it was. And I was able to deliver on everything after that, and one year later- I feel like I can blow it out of the water. I'm excited to take my skills to the next level. I have had amazing mentoring and education, and have worked my ass off.
I've also been getting ready for my new job almost every second that I'm not at my old job. My new license picture is HORRIBLE, but I LOVE IT. I'm not 300 lbs in it! Just a little bit startled. Yes!
Shopping has become an ironic punishment from hell. I've had to do so much of it, and since the things I need generally are not on sale, I'm extremely picky. For full price, clothes have to almost transform me. Here's a hint: I've been purposely shopping without make-up on, because if I can look great in an outfit without it... I know it will only be even better when I wear it for real.
Oh, and I also had the bright idea to get Mirena (IUD) so I don't get my period while I'm traveling. I asked my doctor if she thought that was a crazy idea, and she said that other women had done it for the same reason. When I had one previously, I wasn't mental, it cleared my skin, and I never had my period. This time however- I'VE GAINED WEIGHT. Five ligitimate pounds. I AM NOT A HAPPY CAMPER ABOUT THIS. The only things that are keeping me from ripping it out myself are 1) I know side effects generally wear off (and I'm only about 4 weeks into this) and 2) I will be traveling, and probably not eating, and that will hopefully take this stupid weight off. I have not done a real thing to maintain my weight loss, but I have not ruled out having to actually count calories or put some effort into this if my weight doesn't normalize.
The kids all start school right around the time I start my job. My step-son unexpectedly came to live with us. The month we spent with the kids this summer was so good- we gave him an open invitation. Much to everyone's surprise, his mother (a general term for her...) agreed. So, we're putting him in the same private school that our 6 year old goes to. Expensive, but worth the peace of mind. He gave us zero grief about the decision, and while I know he's a teenager and will often act like one, I think he's going to do very well with all of this.
It seems like there has been so much else going on. Literally not a second to spare, but it's all been positive. Even with the weight gain, I still wear the same size, and clothes look fine. The weight is water, I can see the "bloat"...gross. Anyway, other than THAT, everything is good. And I've still been sneaking in reading blogs, even though I was ticked, and blogger refused to cooperate on my end. Now I'm off to read a little more, and go.to.sleep!
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