Monday, February 21, 2011

Now I want it.

Sometimes I feel guilty when I'm not a good commenter. I've been a pretty horrible commenter recently. I have been a fairly decent reader though. And the theme of really "wanting" it has kept standing out to me. This whole weight control is so frustrating and multi-faceted. When I was three hundred pounds... I wanted to lose. I wanted it badly, but was so afraid- of failure, of watching hopes and dreams die- of feeling powerless over my own body.

Then some trigger tripped. I got my band. I felt like I could do this, not just for the short term but for the long haul. Surgery gave me the confidence that any hard work I did would be worth it. Because even with weight loss support, the process takes diligence and perseverance. I had to remember to keep my "eyes on the prize". I wanted my weight loss to be meaningfull, to feel it, to embrace it. In a very real way, what I sincerely wanted was to no longer be at war with myself. It is a battle with weight, but even more so- it's been a battle with myself.

To that end, I've had a very similar philosphy about running and exercise. I've always enjoyed it, and didn't want to ruin that for myself by making it a chore. The theory "I was good today because I exercised" has not been motivational for me. For me, that line of thinking lends itself to guilt. Guilt is as bad for exercise, as it is for food choices. The one thing I've got going for me in all of this is, that I've made an effort to not ruin my love of running.

I've been waiting until the timing felt right. Physically, this is the first spring/summer I'll be able to really go for it... in eight (?) years. Emotionally, I really want it. I want to feel healthy and strong. Lean and toned. Endorphins washing through my brain and soul. I want that feeling of my body working as a machine, the the whole world blurring by me, and a cirlcle of clarity from the top of my head to the bottome of my feet. This feeling. This feeling in indescribable. I want it. I want it now. Now is my time.

I ran for forty five minutes tonight. That's good since I haven't done any honest running since 2003 Tonight, I was very pround of my body for being so strong and healthy after all I've put it through. Don't know what the kids are calling it these days, but I love interval training. Tonight I started with a slow pace, and added incline as my challenge. The other REALLY important thing I like to to do at this stage, is to not physically challenge myself unnessecarily. Getting on the treadmill and working with weights for an hour is the prize for tonight. Keeping things simple so I'm not in pain helps it to stay fun- and from my own experience, I'm convinced it is the way this should be.

This may be the place I've been looking for. My natural embrace back to running and working out. Tonight was nothing but joy. I'm excited to get back to it tomorrow night. I'm excited to start (slowly) challenging myself. I love to see how far I push myself. I love to amaze myself with what my body can do. Espcecially now that I'm in my forties. Energy wise and work out wise, tonight felt no different than it would have 15 years ago.

Do you think it's possible to feel better and be able to do more than I could that long ago? Now is my time, and I really want it. What do you think?


  1. I have always wanted to run - but it's so painful for me. My knees, my feet, my lungs - they all hurt! I have never had a good relationship with running - maybe, just maybe I will in the future....

  2. Good for you! It certainly sounds like you are in a good place to start this! I know that even though my weight loss has stalled these past few weeks, I still crave the need for exercise. I just feel so much better after a cardio class or working with weights. Good luck and mostly, have fun!

  3. I think we all go through stages as to whether or not we leave comments, and then how insightful those comments are.

    You make such a good point and I agree that guilt gets in the way of so many things. I think it's awesome that you are going to find the joy of running again and I absolutely believe you can do as well or better than you were 15 years ago. And as long as you are having fun and getting exercise, does it really matter?

  4. I agree with Bonnie - commenting ebbs and flows. It's not personal when people take a break and it's always such fun when they return! Life sometimes doesn't let us do all that we want to each and every day!

    I also agree with the guilt. A successful journey, from what I've seen, HAS to leave guilt out of it. We don't need to feel guilty for being human! That leads to binges and cravings and laziness and apathy.

    I absolutely think you can get back to running, and running with a vigor. The will is half the battle. And your lightness on your feet now is an added bonus, too! I think it's possible to do more now than it was in younger years because of what you no longer have. Now is your time, question is, can you take it?

    I think you can!

  5. I love what you said - Guilt is as bad for exercise, as it is for food choices. So true!