Sunday, February 6, 2011

How to put into words...

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING HAS NO POINT

Frustration. That's why I've been avoiding blogging. It's not weight related, my weight is steady. I actually put on a pair of my size 8 suit slacks last week. They wouldn't zip or button, but I got them on. If I'd run or do anything to help, I could wear them (if they weren't so hopelessly outdated). Those particular pants are part of the collection of skinny clothes I've been saving because getting rid of them would be a sign to me of giving up my weight loss dream. It's funny because I've been feeling fat. I've come so far, 170 pounds should feel terrific. Mostly it does, but it's not the end all. Losing the weight is not the end of the journey. For me, it's the beginning.

That's not what's frustrating me. I haven't been able to put into words what's been going on the past few weeks. I'm sitting here trying to find the words right now, just to get this over with. But still, so much is swirling around in my mind, and nothing organizable is filtering through. Could it be that I'm expecting too much? Is it that I'm hysterical- am I just a crazy lady? That's for sure. But that's not the issue in it's entirety. I've been ignoring this stuff for well over a year. And now there are more questions than answers and I can't deal with that. I'm jaded. And as quick as I am to advocate for others, I won't do the same for myself.

Wow... that certainly clarified what was going on. It's more than I've been able to say, so it is progress. I have been immersing myself in my job- I can happily get lost there. Not certain that's the healthiest way to cope, but it's working for me as an outlet. Blogging has also been an outlet, but when I don't have the words, it's useless. Is it painfully obvious that I need to find the feelings first? So maybe this is the start of finding them.

10 comments:

  1. I was wondering what had happened to you. Hope you get everything worked out, sweetie. You know we are here for you.

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  2. Goodness...I'm glad you posted. I've been thinking of you. Sounds like you just feel general uneasiness or unrest - angst, inner tension...the feeling of needing inner peace and not being able to find it or how to even look for it. I hate that feeling and I hate that maybe you are feeling it. Just keep typing it out...we're all here for you.

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  3. I think you need to come to New York on March 20th and we need to all have a big group hug.

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  4. We're here waiting for your words...once you find them...no matter how scrambled.

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  5. Hang in there honey! We are here for you, let it out!

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  6. Awww....this is a sign an up swing, I'm sure of it or you wouldn't have blogged it. Miss you!

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  7. Hey, Lady. You going to come to BOOBS 2? I sure hope so.

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  8. Could you please re-follow my blog! I changed the URL and now everyone who follows my blog can not see my new posts in their blog feed. http://mandyblapbandjourney.blogspot.com/

    Thank you,

    Mandy

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