WARNING: THE FOLLOWING HAS NO POINT
Frustration. That's why I've been avoiding blogging. It's not weight related, my weight is steady. I actually put on a pair of my size 8 suit slacks last week. They wouldn't zip or button, but I got them on. If I'd run or do anything to help, I could wear them (if they weren't so hopelessly outdated). Those particular pants are part of the collection of skinny clothes I've been saving because getting rid of them would be a sign to me of giving up my weight loss dream. It's funny because I've been feeling fat. I've come so far, 170 pounds should feel terrific. Mostly it does, but it's not the end all. Losing the weight is not the end of the journey. For me, it's the beginning.
That's not what's frustrating me. I haven't been able to put into words what's been going on the past few weeks. I'm sitting here trying to find the words right now, just to get this over with. But still, so much is swirling around in my mind, and nothing organizable is filtering through. Could it be that I'm expecting too much? Is it that I'm hysterical- am I just a crazy lady? That's for sure. But that's not the issue in it's entirety. I've been ignoring this stuff for well over a year. And now there are more questions than answers and I can't deal with that. I'm jaded. And as quick as I am to advocate for others, I won't do the same for myself.
Wow... that certainly clarified what was going on. It's more than I've been able to say, so it is progress. I have been immersing myself in my job- I can happily get lost there. Not certain that's the healthiest way to cope, but it's working for me as an outlet. Blogging has also been an outlet, but when I don't have the words, it's useless. Is it painfully obvious that I need to find the feelings first? So maybe this is the start of finding them.