Saturday, May 21, 2011

Anger & Beauty

My grandmother looked absolutely beautiful today (technically yesterday, it's Sunday morning where I am, and the world appears to still be here). My grandma looked truly beautiful this last time that I was able to see her. I have to say that my mom and I picked a lovely dress for her, and she had on her pearl necklace and earrings. The funeral home did her hair and make-up so well... she looked natural and peaceful and pretty.

There was no end of the world blow up, at least in my family. I leave in four hours, and I've been at home for seven entire days with no one fighting. I've seen my sister upset, but not over anything new, not on this particular trip anyway. I'm terrified to let my guard down with my mom, but even after my extremely upset and angry blog last night, there's still a part of me that wants to believe that my mom is capable of unconditional love and that things have improved.

I don't know if there's been closure and resolution. On some things I think there have been, but I'm still processing. My mom and dad keep trying- they spend lots of money on travel for all of us to see them, and to see each other. I want to just give them a break, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to make myself that vulnerable. If that makes sense.

The service for my grandma was as beautiful as she was. It was held outdoors at a little church in the country that was built in the 1740's. The weather could not have been more perfect- seventy degrees and sunny. She is now buried with three of her four children. I felt like the words that were spoken were a beautiful tribute and captured who she really was, minus all of the emotional burdens she carried. It wasn't so much about not saying bad things, but forgiving and understanding that those were not who she was, but something she sadly carried.

I'd like nothing more than to believe that my mom is doing the best that she can with the baggage she carries. Even though I understand that it's "not me"... it's difficult when it hurts me... and it also takes a physical toll on me that I can't really afford to pay. I want to just get over it, let it go, forgive & forget... if only it were that easy.

For this very moment, beauty has overcome anger.


  1. Beautiful post. I am glad the day you laid your grandmother to rest was filled with love and not anger. You certainly should keep your guard up but it sounds like your heart is open and that is a good thing. Life is too damn short.

  2. I couldn't imagine for your grandmother to lose 3 of her 4 children. I am having a time watching my mother go through the pain of losing my brother this year. I am glad that the service was wonderful. Have a safe trip home.

  3. I am so happy you got to spend time with her before she went, and that it was a trip that you can look back on with fond memories, even if it was brought on by such a circumstance. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive and let go of the anger and/or hurt brought on by your mother. Believe me, once you make that decision (which I realize is much easier said than done)to let it go, you will feel a weight lifted. and just because you make the decision doesn't mean you leave yourself wide open for the pain the next time, but you start on a clean slate. Have a safe trip home!

  4. I am so glad she looked beautiful...I am forever grateful the last time I saw my cancer stricken Grandma she looked at peace and I'm glad you have that too.

  5. Praying for you and holding you deep in my heart.