First of all, I had the most lovely dinner with Read tonight. She is an angel to put up with me this evening. With the pending death of my grandma, my mind is all over the place, and I'm evaluating so much- and she kindly let me rant. I really appreciated that. Plus, it was so nice to get to know her better, and she even gave me a ride in her kick-a convertable. My camera was in my purse, but guess what- no pictures! True to form. Sigh. At least I have great memories...
When I returned home from dinner, my grandmother wasn't doing so well. I'm a nurse, but I've always done pediatrics, and am relatively clueless when it comes to this kind of dying. She's not been lucid since last Friday, she's in this perpetual "sleep" state... however she does moan when her morphine wears off- and that I understand. So I'm staying awake tonight to keep up with her dosing frequency. My mom has been so attentive to her mom, but I don't think she completely gets the importance of staying on top of pain. I don't want her to suffer, not even for a second.
So here's something I don't get... how does someone continue to live in an almost complete state of unconsciousness, and wanting to die... but still breathes and lives for days? I want to die fast. Even making sure she's well medicated, I know she's miserable. It seems so wrong.
This sounds horribly shallow (I suppose that's just how I am)- but I spoke with my daughter this evening and told her I would haunt her if she ever let me be in this state- and didn't make sure that I had no facial hair. Seriously, if she let me have a moustache and beard- I'd be mortified. She either needs to make sure someone comes in regularly to wax me, or make sure I'm dead. I prefer the dead part. Honestly. BTW, my grandmother does NOT have facial hair, I'm just worried for my hairy self- I do get strays, and if they accumulated... well, not pretty.
Since I've been home (all of 24 hours)- I've already had the opportunity to hit up some of my favorite Maryland foods. Popeye's chicken for starters- I should have been grossed out- but I wasn't. I was able to have a little bit of blue crab while at dinner with Read tonight- YUM. My mom wants to get pastries at the pastry shop on Main Street that is owned and ran by real Germans. Crack. Good thing I'm only here for a few days- I don't know how I ever stayed thin in this town. Thank heaven for my band.
There's so much more that's going on, but this is enough for now. Things are going well enough- this trip was necessary for me, and I'm getting lots of good closure. I hope my grandma gets the same soon and finds the peace she deserves.