If I go to hell, it will not be for drinking, kinky sex, little white lies, or not going to church. It will be because I stood in the bathroom of a very swank Italian restaurant throwing up a beautiful meal, which I intententionally paid for the ability to do, while listening to Frank Sinatra croon and thinking about the millions of people in the world at that very second, who were without any food at all, and literally starving to death.
Turns out my mothers unconditional love is really misdirected anger. I've purposefully been out of the loop for almost seven years, and I would have thought that lessons as parents would be learned, and dealing with children would be accomplished with a whole new level of experience and understanding. Guess not. Just new people to direct it all at. I'm torn- thrilled it's not me, sad to see the tears on my beautiful sisters who do not understand 1) where it comes from, or 2) how to make it stop. I've been lucky, this time, this trip. But it's not over yet. The funeral is tomorrow, and that will be the most volitile time if I had to take a guess.
Probably why the end of the world will be tomorrow- it's going to start with my family. I honestly hope SOMETHING happens to end this precisely and finally! Bring it! We'd all be grateful! I would miss my dear husband and son so much, but I believe in a very spiritual and loving supreme being, and the three of us in our little family are good people who really love each other, and a loving God would be certain that we are able to be with each other. If it's any other kind of supreme being, then I'm not interested. Come hell what may. I already know a very real hell. I am more prepared than most religious zealouts, I've been there and know how to act.
Fucked up. But my mom looked really pretty tonight. She's gotten so small (frail?) on the Ideal Protein program. She wants my husband and I to come start up a center for her- which has worked wonders to bring her back to being a tiny little woman. And with her hair and make up tonight, she looked like the beautiful put together woman I barely remember as a mother. She looked young and pretty. Heartbreaking, because it lends to the credibility that things are better- but they aren't. I thought with her mother passing, that's why she was being so accepting of me. No, not really. I just have siblings that are deflecting the heat their way for varied reasons. I feel so much sympathy and empathy. I have words of advice, but they are hollow for now.
Tomorrow is the funeral and the real test. If hell is close, it will show itself tomorrow. I know where I'm at risk- my apathy for worldwide situations. For others, maybe hell will be close for the torment through which they put the people who were counting on them for love and nurturing care. I've always felt there were going to be some reather shocking surprises at the end.
In case I don't get another chance- good luck tomorrow. Hopefully we can all blog on Sunday morning!