Random and my band...

1) No one at my new job knows I've had weight loss surgery... I'm a "normal"... it's weird... maybe more on this later.

2) I feel the tightness from my tummy tucky far more than I feel restriction tightness from my band. My tummy sometimes feels like I've done 100 push ups. My band restriction is really in a sweet spot. I'm good enough at working it, that I really don't have to think about it much at all.

3) I keep finding myself in these weird in between sizes. Right now, 12's fall off of my droopy ass, and 10's are too tight.

4) My eating has been like everyone elses now that I'm in the new job and new world... I only eat a little bit, avoid drinking with my meal, and seriously... that is how all the thin women I've been having lunch with eat. Hmmm. Who knew? Eat less, be thin... why didn't someone write a book? In all seriousness, I love my band because I can eat like everyone else. I'm never going to give up eating as a social experience. It's too important to my quality of life.

Well, that is the end of this edition of "random and the band" because "ambien and the crazy girl" is about to start... Love you all. Start keeping an eye out for the BOOBS blogspot because there will be some exciting plans that will be discussed very soon. Our hearts are sad for our sisters who for various reason won't be able to join us this year, but where there's a will, there's a way... and there are lots of exciting things we can make happen. I'm thinking about going back to my surgeons office, and starting a little offspring of what we have here. It would be nice to have this support without so much effort. Don't ge me wrong, this trip is so amazing and chic and cool, and I couldn't think of more appropriate group of women to participate with in such and activity, but I'd just greedy and want to be able to do it more often.

More maybe later, after I get caught up on your lives... love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ONE SEVEN (pause for dramatic effect...)

ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Would you still believe me if I said my number doesn't matter? I've been waiting for my monthly water weight to drop off and after peeing like a race horse through the night (which by the way is not as easy as it sounds now with my new super china and all, I really have to focus when I have to pee badly)... I will be honest and admit that I couldn't wait to jump on the scale this morning to finally see 172. Well, that wasn't going to happen because the number 171.4 came up instead. Fine by me...

So here's what I think my deal is with my "number". I'm like most girls, and want a lower one. But if I have to work excessively for it... then I'm happy right where I am and maintenance eating has been no stress at all. The changes in my eating that I've made since my band are now usually effortless (excluding extreme stress or extreme pms or heaven forbid the two at the same time)... however eating a couple of bites of everything is now the norm. It's just how I eat.

How have I lost these two pounds? Wine, klondike bars, bbq ribs, t-bone steak, party food. For me, working my band and abandoning the "diet" mentality, means no more calorie restriction and no more off limits or bad foods. It means that I find delicious healthy food because I want to, not because I feel guilty to. It means that exercise is also not anything to feel guilty about... I don't have a regimine, but I incorporate activity into my daily life.

Diets and guilt have failed me. I'm happy for 171 and I'm even happier that my band has given me a weight loss tool for life. And, the further out I get, the more I'm convinced that this is truly for life. Thin is good, but healthy is priceless. Love it.

Because I have zero intention...

Most weekends, I plan on doing a BYOC vlog, because I'm a lazy cheater like that, and these questions give me something to talk about that I didn't have to think up by myself. This weekend, I have zero intention of vlogging, so I'm about to complete my very first written BYOC! I'm so excited I almost can't stand it... here goes:

1. Let’s brag a little….what’s the best perk you’ve ever had in your job (current or past)? Any employment counts - even if you’re a stay at home mom – you have perks (and the hardest job ever in my opinion).

*I'm a nurse and the main perk of that profession is that it's recession proof? In the hospital, it's a perk if you don't get blood or puke or vomit or urine or your choice of body fluid, on you. Good day! Since I'm now an desk jockey, we have a free work out facility (brand new top of the line equipment, and we also get free yoga, zumba, etc.). There are also free massages. And some free lunches. Not the kind of perks some people have- like traveling the world... that would be what I'd want. Sorry to say this, but sometimes perks are a little evil in my book. There are some industries that overcompensate themselves and their employees, which is awesome on their end of it (and I've profited from this in a previous life), but it's really awful for the people who rely on those industries. Anyway, I know there's rhetoric that's given why it's ok for them to do what they do... but having been on both sides of the fence... I know what I've lived and that's the end of what I'll say.

2. Do you ever lie in your blog?

*No, and I probably should!!!



3. What do you wear to bed?

*I wear the "cloak of chastity and warmth". I freeze to death unless it's 80 degrees or above (IN THE HOUSE). My sleep ensemble consists of a thin layer including long sleeved t-shirt and thick socks, covered by a sweat suit (preferably hooded so I don't lose heat from my head if I'm really cold), and if I'm going all the way, I will include a third layer of either an extra sweatshirt or my thick fleece bathrobe. Surprisingly, Mr. W does not find this sexy. And I don't care because beds are mostly for s.l.e.e.p.i.n.g! And I always dress for the occasion...


4. Where do you go for advice?

*I'm an introvert, and go inside myself a little too much, I over think almost everything. I value the opinions of my husband, daughter, and you my blogger friends. I keep my input base small, but I like it varied so I don't get stuck in an irrational thought pattern. I take in all data, but I'm a decision maker by nature. I process everything, but rarely do anything based solely on the fact that someone advised it. It's a me issue and isn't helped by the fact that I get paid for my decision making ability.


5. Repeat question. Make someone a superstar without using a blog award. What comment or blog stuck with you the most this week and why?

*There are so many going around in my head, I don't even know where to start. I think you can tell when I've been reading some blogs because my own will often touch on the same or similar subjects. I'm not the best at mentioning people by name or blog, which I don't want to feel guilty about, but might try to make a more conscious effort to do so. Like Draz, I think the planning committee for Chicago are all superstars... a literal dream team. We're ALL amazing fantastical sexy smart talented beautiful superstars!

What's different?

Everything. Today is my last day at my old job. I'm always excited for challenge, but as cliche as it sounds, I really do hate goodbyes. Even though it's a complicated thing, change invigorates me. Something different keeps me interested and feeling alive. My band helps me to feel alive... my entire life is so different now.

What else is different? I think people perceive me much differently than I see myself. You all KNOW me and how I feel about food... but, I guess I come off as a health nut. I know, I know... get up off of the floor and stop laughing. But, the pot luck lunch that my co-workers had for me today was the most wonderful and healthy offering I have ever seen. Amazing salads and homemade salsas, tons of sweet gorgeous fresh fruit, lean meats, vegetarian dishes, and NONE of the typical chips/dips, cookies, soda and crap that are on the usual menu. Let me tell you, it was hard work taking a little bit of EVERYTHING!

It's a long weekend for me and that's something different I will definitely enjoy... different is good...

bAbySiTTiNG whO'S aMBien GirL thE????

Ummm. Yeah. Who is babysitting the Ambien girl? Sorry about the post from last night. Honestly, I take my medicine and go directly to bed and then??? Well, I can NOT remember much, or anything at all sometimes.

Not taking my medicine is not an option because of my Fibromyalgia. My life comes to a painful screeching hault without sleep, and zolpidem guarantees that I'll be able to function in my daily life. It's the nightly life that I'm worried about!

Due to the medical necessity of me taking my medicine, my family is on strict orders to direct me back to my bed if I get out. I give notice every night of when I'm taking my med. I guess they think it's funny and nothing really awful happens, so they aren't too concerned about their job. Well, I happen to think that crazy blogging is a little stressful. Well, the morning AFTER is a little stressful...

And, I have not mentioned that I also EAT during these sleepwalking episodes? Dry cereal mostly. And otter pops. I see the crumbs or find the wrappers next to my bed. Luckily, there's no calorie damage with these drug induced choices... but I think it's obvious that it could end badly.

This is just a rant. Hopefully we're close enough friends that if you notice some crazy talk, and check the time stamp on my blog, you'll know exactly what's going on and just laugh about it??? I think you will... I'm just hoping I'm not the only one who can tell the difference... ;)

Four years ago this weekend...

Left side, orange shirt, wide load0... that's me four summers ago, this exact same holiday weekend. July 24th is as big as the 4th in Utah, and we were doing (il)legal fireworks like we do every year. The little boy in the blue is almost six, and will be in school this fall. The bigger boy to the left of the pumpkin (me) is in college, and on Monday he is legal to by alcohol. Hooray (sarcasm).

The summer of 2006 does not bring back the best memories. My endocrine system was broken, the weight was piling on, my will to fight was being trampled down by sheer emotional exhaustion from being physically sick. There was no hope for me. WLS was not covered, and my body would simply not work with me. That left 2006 through 2008 as fairly dark years for me, until I learned at the end of 2008 that the bariatric rider would be picked up by my insurance plan. I was determined to be the first. It was only a 50/50 benefit... but I did it. I had to do it. And it has been so worth it. I would pay almost anything to be the person I am now verses the woman I was from 2006 until 2009... hopeless, sad, fat, depressed. And now I'm doing things for me, going for jobs, tackling issues head on with direct problem solving, it's so much and it's so much BETTER.

There's more to this, but I'm getting tired. Just wanted you to get a good look at the old fat assess me, so you can see how far I've come. That way if I get cranky about where I'm at now... we'll all know the truth of the matter. I keep these clothes and pictures lest I never forget where it is I have come from. ok, enoough melelcholy...but holy frijoles... it's crazy amazing..

You find your, too...and share the pics and the feelings... Please? It would help others. Let's speak our honest!!!

Starstruck

Out of curiosity, I checked the participant list for Chicago today... and I'm honestly starstruck. I have this mixed feeling of complete excitement and total fear! Why didn't anyone mention the anxiety of traveling alone or the worry of not being the most social person in the world? But most of all... I can't believe I'm going to actually meet YOU. It's like... 55 superstars all in one room? Holy Shite.

Reasons why I got the job:

I am already happy that I took this new job. I won't just have my finger on the pulse of healthcare reform, I'll be monitoring it with an arterial line! This is beyond a fantastic opportunity. I'm getting nervous that I'll be able to bring to the table what they are expecting, and that I'll get out of it what I'm hoping. It was a spur of the moment decision to send in my resume, and last minute timing when I did my interview... but like many of you, I don't believe in coincidence. Of course I'm over analyzing the entire process, and some of the things I've been contemplating are the reasons why I believe they were eager to bring me on board. For your pleasure (or pain), here are my thoughts on the reasons why I got the job:

1) Experience. My resume is good. Really good. I own challenging jobs. This is not entirely positive because this stems from my intense need for control of my life and personal expectation of perfectionism. Luckily, I have all of this amazing experience to claim as my own, and the wisdom to now work it with more balance and less stress.

2) I'm cheap. Because I work in an environment where education is THE determining factor for moving up, I'm a great bargain because my experience allows me to perform well in any project, but they don't have to pay me as much. For example, my current counterpart has her master's degree. We do the exact same job. She gets paid lots more than I do. Don't get me wrong, I do ok for myself, but I'm fully aware of my limitations professionally. The flip side of this is that I land jobs that other people may shy away from, and I get intense intrinsic satisfaction from that. It's about doing what I love, because money does not equal happiness. (Side note, if I could go to school as a career, I'd do it in a heartbeat... I love to learn).

3) I'm not fat. Yup, I said it. When I decided on weight loss surgery, I believed with all of my being that losing weight would help me professionally. I've lived in a world that treats thin people differently than obese people. Maybe it is this stereotypical acceptance now that I'm not fat, or maybe it's that now I have improved confidence, but I'm certain one of the reasons I got this job is because of the way I look... I'm still overweight, but I'm definitely not obese. Does that stink? Yes. Am I going to use it to my advantage? Yes. Even my kind darling Mr. W asked me if I thought maybe a part of the reason I was offered this position is because I'm thinner. Yup, yes I do.

On yet another side note, have you ever had a day where the universe was trying to tell you something? Over and over again? Like it's REALLY serious about a certain concept or subject? On top of everything else going on, I keep having the subject of emotions and how they affect behavior modification keep coming up. From three different sources in a 24 hour period (What universe? Are you trying to say something? I can't hear you... kidding...). I really want to post about this, but it's soooooo much. We're not lab rats, we have emotions, and that plays a huge deal in our attempts at behavior modification, especially with weight loss. This is a complete blog or three or even a book, so I'm holding off, but probably not for long. Hold on tight, the universe is taking me on a ride, and I'm going to share it with you... dang it... I hate rides...

Sucks Ginormous Donkey Balls

Oh, how I wish I could take credit for that saying (thanks Jenny "Embracing A New Path"), and oh, how I've been waiting for a chance to use it...

It was back to therapy last night after a three week break. It really sucked. ginormous. donkey. balls! I forget how much work it is sometimes. He tried a new technique, which was supposed to be non-threatening, and of course I hated it. I drove home completely exhausted and drained. I won't bore you with the details. I know this is important to my life, and to my weight... so I'll soldier on next week...

Interestingly (to me anyway) we had a bariatric surgeon do an inservice for my work this morning. Among many interesting points, was the fact that he believed that gastric bypass was superior to lapband because it was a physiologic approach, verses the band which is only mechanical. He also believed that there was much greater success with bypass because it requires less follow up maintenance. He believes that without intense post surgical follow up... ie- support groups (hello!) and fills (duh!) that the band is potentially less effective. He touched on the psychological work needed with the band... the need for therapy because the band is only a mechanical tool. I agree with that. BUT... Ummm... ok... ???

Is he saying lapbands are too much WORK? No, I did not stand up or say anything. My peace of mind is that everyone in the room (besides him, he was not my surgeon) knows me AND my lapband history AND how I feel about it. Seriously my bandster friends, please don't be shy about advocating for the band. Speak up to people who could USE the information. I respect this surgeon's medical experience, but until you've been obese and gone through this process... you'll never REALLY know.

I agree that different procedures are better for different people and it's a personal and medical decision. However, I was disheartened by the relative negativity about the band. In his practice, only 20% of patients end up with a band. That seems low. Anyway, it was interesting, and I enjoyed hearing a perspective different than mine. Even if he was wrong... ;)

I feel so much confidence in my weight loss and the amount of help my band gives me, especially after hearing this information this morning. I feel no fear about keeping my weight off. Yes, some moments I waiver... but mostly not. When I do, I complain here, to you. I do believe that a support system is critical to our success. I don't think that should be a deterent to getting the band. It just means that the surgeons need to do a better job with their follow up programs. And also, that we need to do a better job at reaching out to other people who are looking for effective weight loss.

Ok, I'm putting my soap box away for now. I will end this rant by saying that my band is back to being tight. Great restriction, no hunger at all yesterday. Even though my scale is stuck at 173, I think it's technically a loss because this is the time of month when I've got PMS weight on. I think I'm still losing, but it's at like 1/3 of a pound a week? And honestly, my only expectation at this point is to not gain. Even though "some" people think the band is too much work, I know it's letting me eat my cake and have it, too. And you know me well enough to know that's a very literal statement. I still love my band.

Proud Momma!

Here's the sweet little family to be. My son took his girlfriend to the top of the ski resort he had worked at since he was 16 years old, and officially asked her to marry him. He gave her the ring his father gave me. I don't think that's a bad omen... right? I've been saving it for him, if he wanted it. It's completely 80's, and he asked if I'd be offended if he had the diamonds reset, and of course I would be fine with that. Out of all of the choices he's made in his life, I have to admit I'm actually really proud of him with this one. She is exactly the kind of girl I would have picked for him...she's a tough (yet sweet)cookie... and so smart... and in nursing school! Oh, and I'm a Mimi x2! I promise, this isn't selfish on my part...

What else... we went to "Despicable Me"... so darling. I cried at the end. I went to so much trouble to cover that fact up in the theatre, and here I am blabbing it to the world. I have this "thing" for Steve Carrel. I had a dream a couple of months ago that I made out with him. Almost as good as movie theatre popcorn. Yummy. (Yes, my husband knows about this dream, and no, he doesn't seem to worried...).

I'm going to take the job. I had a good long time to think about it by myself under the stars on Saturday night (my five year old and I had a camp out on the trampoline, and he pooped out before I did... go figure...) ... and taking this new job is the right thing to do. I love what I'm doing, but I also love new challenges. It's time.

The match between my friends appeared to go very well, conversation flowed like wine, which was what I expected. Food was fabulous, and you knew I'd have to mention that. I have so far refrained from calling them both this evening to see what they each thought, but will be following up tomorrow so it looks like I have some restraint and tact.

My band is back in action. This weekend, I've been appreciating it for the fact that I do get restriction, even with carbohydrates. Obviously the full feeling doesn't last as long as when I eat protein like a good little bandster, but I am thrilled with how little I can eat of "regular" food. I hope I never take this for granted.

I'm taking to heart your comments about college marriages and about my job decision. I value your opinions. It's awesome when I make a decision, and then read what you've had to say that completely supports my own thought process. We can't ALL be crazy!!!

(Gulp)... They made me an offer...

Mr. W is reminding me of all the reasons I applied for this new job in the first place. I was feeling so emotional about my current position, but if I'm smart I'd consider moving on, increasing my knowledge base, and continuing to further my personal contact base within our corporation. I told them I'd give them my decision on Monday. Mr.W thinks I'll have more regrets if I don't do this, than if I do. He may be right. Gulp.

I had a private fashion show last night... and can now get into almost all of my "skinny" clothes. Too bad they are all out of fashion... but some of them I'm going to wear anyway, because to most people they'll still look good. I've waited a looong time to be able to do this!

This weekend is going to be AWESOME. My son and his girlfriend will be at my house in about one hour. They will be meeting Aiden for the first time. It's my husband's ten year divorce anniversary, and we are planning on "celebrating" (huh huh huh) this fabulous event! And, on Sunday we're having a b-b-q at our house because I'm fixing up my friend/counterpart at work with a lovely gentleman friend of mine. This is really exciting for me because they are both educated, interesting, and I love them both. Even if we're all "just friends", it's a win/win situation.

I currently remain a "non-commenter", but am avidly reading as much as I can. Please be patient with me, I've had alot going on, and it doesn't look like it's stopping anytime soon. Not this week anyway. Hope your weekend is safe and wonderful!

If one is good, then two is better?

Nope, not talking about doughnuts here. Can I just tell you that I'm a pretty darned good Mimi? Aiden is the sweetest baby, and I just can't get enough! If I get fat again, it's because I'm going to eat him with a spoon. I can not resist such deliciousness...

So, imagine my surprise when my son calls me to tell me that he's thinking of asking his college girlfriend to marry him. Ignoring all the obvious implications of two 21 year olds getting married... this is appealing to me because she has a toddler, and I'd have TWO grandchildren! They are fully into their respective programs in college, so as long as they stay on that path, I'll support what my son chooses.

In band news... not so tight. I ate an entire 6 inches of sub last night. It took 45 minutes, and there was NO room for snacking later in the evening, but I was surprised I could eat that much. Weird.

I'm really behind in everything this week... work, and most importantly... blogs. Usually if I don't have time to read during the day, I can grab some time in the evening or on the weekend. So, if I'm remiss in leaving comments, I can tell you I am trying to read your posts. And here's my blanket statement letting you know how much I appreciate what you share. Happy Thursday!

Good things... Thinner things...

Gilly was mentioning her new thin girl mentality when approaching her jeans and clothes. Mine was always the "just out of the dryer" test. I dried NOTHING in the dryer when I was obese, couldn't risk shrinkage. Now, I dry EVERYTHING in the dryer because I need them to not be baggy. My new summer wardrobe is huge now. My weight is the same, but my size L shirts look like dresses, and my new capri's are falling off of my ass. Wah wah wah. I do believe this is the state where people say they are not losing pounds, but are losing inches. I can even make some semblance of a six pack on my abs. My daughter is of course losing weight rapidely, and our tandem goal is to be able to wear the same clothes (if we wanted to). I may need to up my game a little bit. I can do it because I'm basically doing nothing right now.

Oh, and about the crazy talk. I told my current boss about my interview last week. She told me I got the job. They hadn't called her yet, but she was resigned to the fact that any position I applied for, would be offered to me. That made me feel really good, and in turn makes me feel valuable, which in turns makes me feel loyal. My current manager is just that brilliant. I did some due diligence and interviewed a former employee from the prospective job, and got some candid feedback. I have so much flexibility in my current job, and I love the people I work with, and I do see the possibility for advancement... if I'm patient. I'm patient with weight loss, so that won't be a problem. Ha, ha, ha. Now, I'm honestly not sure what they could offer me to make me interested in leaving my current duties.

My band is still tight. I pb at least once per day. I've been making decent food choices. Like today I had a protein bar, activia yogurt, half a whole grain bar, white chili chicken with sour cream (REAL sour cream), crackers and cheese, grilled hamburger patty w/ cheese, rocky road ice cream, and that's it. Maybe 1800 calories, and I stopped counting protein at work because I had hit my daily goal and was just going to add to it. I can eat this way for life. I can keep wearing cute clothes. I can be healthy. I can MOVE if I want to. And, I can also go to sleep before my Ambien kicks in. Always be careful of these after 10pm posts... :)

Oh, Oh, Oh... I need to update you in my next post that it looks like I'm going to be a grandmother again very soon. Wild story, but ours tend to be that way. I'm excited to explain it all to you.

Good night my sweet bandsters...

I carried this dress around for seven years...

For balance, here is a much better "after" picture. This was taken about one month ago, and it is post tummy tuck. I'm guessing 174 lbs is my weight, because it hasn't fluctuated at all. I am at 173 lbs, FINALLY... not that a number really matters... there have been some great points made about that on recent blogs. I love how we can encourage each other to have more realisitc ways of thinking about weight verses size. Anyway, this is one of the "skinny" pieces of clothing I couldn't bring myself to ever give to charity because I felt like that would be a symbol of giving up hope. The dress is now outdated, but I still love it! And I can wear it without any problem. Hope becomes reality with a band. Just wanted to share that with you.

Sadistic Pic

This is why I needed a tummy tuck. This picture was at Christmas time 2009... I had been in onderland for a good month. And after ALL that work... my pooch was HORRIBLE. It's sad to lose so much weight (over 100lbs in this picture), and STILL look not so hot. I know plastic surgery is not for everyone, but despite all the pain, I am more happy than words can express that my excess tummy skin is gone. It's seriously like a fantasy come true. Cliche but more than true.

Since this is a Band Blog...

Can I just say that even though we have so much in common, I absolutely adore the diversity of our group? Your comments have been spectacular, motivating, hilarious, supportive, and much appreciated. Maddie and Aiden are doing very well. Baby is the best little nurser ever. Maddie is truly an attentive (code for over protective) sweet little mom. And Christian has not left their side and is taking his role as dad extremely seriously. I'm super proud of all of them. And they come home tomorrow!

Since this is a band blog, I will mention my band. TIGHT. I've had this dull, behind the eyes headache for days, accompanied by light but nagging nausea. All of a sudden, I can not eat things I've previously had no problem eating. If this is stress restriction, it's a ridiculous amount. I don't think I have a full blown migraine, but has anyone ever had restriction issues with a real migraine? I was gagging on my ice cream treat tonight. Firstly, ice cream will go down just fine at any given time of the day. Secondly, at night my band is usually very tolerant of everything. And I do mean EVERYTHING.

I've also noticed an extreme oversensitivity to medicine and alcohol. We're all super aware of my Ambien escapades last week. And, the first night I was home to sleep this week, I had a glass and a half of wine... and was almost fall down drunk (no, NOT with Ambien). Is it just because of the weight loss? I need less of a dose of everything? Probably, but I love to worry and over analyze.

Oh, so you want to know who is crazy? I am! Yesterday, while at the hospital with my daughter, I interviewed for a new position. I had applied a couple of weeks ago for a job that appeared to be an exact fit for my skill set in the Revenue Integrity office for my parent corporation. They called for an interview while I was in my daughters hospital room, we discovered that we were only two floors away from each other, and ten minutes later I was in my interview. I was thinking I had completely bombed it because I was dressed basically like a hoochie momma, and I was so tired I couldn't put two sentences together. But halfway through my interview, my potential supervisor asked me to hold on for a moment, she instant messaged someone, and in walked the Medical Director to finish my interview. I couldn't read her, but I think he was sold. She must've been too or she wouldn't have alerted him? Anyway, I'll find out for sure next week. I won't be disappointed if I stay in my current job, but this one is fine tuned to exactly what I want to be doing with my time. I definitely have things to bring to the table for them and that was very clear. And, a new job is exactly what I need with all the other changes going on. Even though I say I dislike it, I think I feed off of stress. Sounds like someone needs to go meditate...

I'm so excited to catch up on blogs. I've really missed all of you the past couple of days. Hope everything is going well for you!