Tuesday, June 29, 2010

28 hours and counting...

Apologies in advance. I'm tired, and since it's the middle of the night, I've hijacked the l&d computer for my own personal use. Where are we... cytotec x 5 doses and nothing. Pitocin x 12 hours and nothing. Membranes ruptured x 8 hrs and basically nothing. She's at 3 cm and 70% effaced. It might be the sleep deprivation and all my years in an operating room... but TAKE THIS BABY ALREADY. They just started a Narcan drip because the epidural is giving her hives. Oh, and my daughter is in love with the wonderful (and painless) lab tech and also her amazing anethesiologist (notice a lack of pain theme here?). My first two labors were natural. And then I saw my sister give birth with an epidural and wondered why I had missed the boat on that one. My third labor I opted for the epidural, and I loved loved loved it. And I bounced right back (at a slightly older age I might add), so for me it certainly didn't make my labor or recovery prolonged or more difficult.

While I'm in this slightly morbid mood, I feel the need to tell you that one of my greatest fears came true. So, remember the picture from two or so posts ago that my sweet Mr. W posted... the one with my son and I on the ferris wheel? I mentioned that I was frightened on it? While I was on it, I was honestly thinking, and couldn't stop thinking, that this was NOT the way I wanted to die. Guess what happened last night? One of the carnival workers died on that very ride. The very exact same one that I was completely terrified on. I will absolutely never be getting on another carnival ride. Ever. Ever. Ever.

I can't think of any other crappy news, so I'm going to try to close my eyes for a little while. I have got to get a grip here and focus on the positive energy of this birth and new little life beginning. It is so important to me that my grandson be welcomed and raised with everything he deserves. What do you think of "Mimi" as my grandma name? I liked "Nana" also, I don't know why I didn't think of that one. My maternal grandma was from the south and I called her "Memaw" when I was little. That one is not for me, but I want something cute.

Thanks for bearing with me. Again. Love and hugs and sleep...

Monday, June 28, 2010

The little guy just doesnt want to come out....

Hello Blog Nation,

"Mr. W" again sitting in for Band-Babe, who is still at the hospital with her daughter. Last I knew, they had just broke her water, and she was cursing her boyfriend... so all is going well! She wanted me to let all y'all know that we are still in a holding pattern. And how does the headbanger granpa celebrate his first grandson, Aiden, coming into the world? Thankfully, Iron Maiden already thought of it (thany YOU photoshop).

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Photo Ops!!!!

Hello Bandsters, BOOBS, etc. This is whom Band-Babe refers to as "Mr. W" posting in Lieu of the Babe (she is on the way to the hospital to be with her daughter...). Oh, and if Jen from Oregon is reading this.... I want your Toyota FJ. Seriously - that is my dream car. The 96 Mistsubishi Mirage (with cassette tape deck!) is ALMOST as good, but not so much off road. To everyone else, thank you for what you do - having support has really helped the Babe through this. Take Care, "W"

Band-Babe's final hours as a MILF... shortly to be in the GILF club!

Band-Babe and Kris at the Carnival!

*~* It's Time *~*

We're leaving for the hospital... it's Sunday evening. Christian's birthday is today, and everyone was secretly wondering if the Aiden might be born on his dad's birthday. My son was born one day before my husband's b-day, and they think it's fun now to plan their birthdays together. They already have this years b-day weekend all worked out. Maybe my daughter's son and his dad will have the same kind of bond.

We did a "Crappy Birthday" barbeque at our house this afternoon for my daughter's boyfriend. His parents are out of town, and we were happy to spend the day with him (ok, felt bad for him, maybe not really "happy"). However, we knew Maddie was in labor, so the rest of us slept all afternoon. Now I've got to get in the shower. This reminds me of having to work nights as a nurse, so I'm good at this with a little advanced warning. It's all working out beautifully.

My band is tight, and all I've managed to eat today is "spicy baked beans with bacon" (my favorite secret recipe). They are mushy enough for me to be able to swallow even with my band being persnickety. But, now... oh no... maybe I should try to find some bean-o or gas x on my way to the hospital because this might not end well. Well, for ME. It's certainly going to end well for my darling Maddie and sweet Aiden. (Oh, and Christian, too.) WE'RE SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bye! Pictures later... give me a day or two. Love you!

Friday, June 25, 2010

Having my cake and eating it too

I'm not going to sugar coat this. You know how some people have "ride rides with my children or whomever" as one of their WLS goals? Well, you can cross that off my list. Hard. And with black marker. Or just tear that strip off of my list. And burn it. :)

We went to a carnival last night. And, I rode rides... just because I could. That's fabulous! YAY NSV! It's one of those arbitrary weight loss milestones... and I never need to do it again. Ever. Rides make me frightened. And sick. Now I remember why I didn't get on rides when I was thin.

I am however going to sugar coat THIS. Funnel cake!!! I ate an entire third of one. Yes, I saved calories and it was a predetermined decision. I also ate two bites of a corndog, several french fries, and one nacho. Totally disgusting and wonderful all at one time. Many fun things are?!?

This is why I love my band. I can have my funnel cake, and still fit onto rides (if I wanted to, which I think I've made clear that I do not). I couldn't help but to notice miserable obese women last evening, and feel guilt and sadness and compassion and freedom and a sense of responsiblity... because I could have my cake and eat it too. Many of us bandsters know the misery of sweaty hot, barely able to walk, but doing it anyway, on a hot summer day. I guess being sick from rides is nothing to complain about. I was the lucky one.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

What is THAT?

Sleep has been difficult since my Tummy Tuck because of the limited positions I have to choose from. Initially, I was in a lazy-boy. Then, I could tolerate on my back, with a pillow under my thighs. Within the past three or four weeks, I could sleep on my side. Last night... I rolled over... and slept on my tummy. I know it's bad ergodynamics, but I love to sleep on my stomach. But I woke up this morning with a strange twinge just to the left of my new belly button. I've had more than a few weird abdominal muscle issues since my TT, so I pretty much just shrugged it off.

So I'm here at work, and feel the same strange twinge. This time, I decided to check it out manually (yes privately in the restroom). It is ROCK hard. What is THAT? It is... my port! I've never, ever been able to feel my port. I don't know how my surgeon found it for fills. I knew where it was anatomically, and could have found it with a needle, but I couldn't palpate it. Ever.

And, just as interestingly (to me anyway), is that my port has MOVED. With the skin and muscle being brought closer together, my port is now almost directly under my new (old) bellybutton. Why I never think of these things is beyond me. But, duh... of course my port is now in a new position. And.I.am.skinny.enough.to.feel.it!!!

It must be because I broke my 174 plateau. I guess I did not win any record in the longest plateau department, but I am so happy to see that I'm not the only plateau breaker this week. BTW, Sandy (Weightloss Rollercoaster)... I was trying to welcome you to the 170's (some of the sexiest women in the world weigh in the 170's!), but my ability to leave comments is glitched again. Welcome!!!

Baby report: Nothing. Just waiting. I'm trying to convince her to come to a carnival with us tonight to walk around. For some reason, she doesn't want to go walk around 10 months pregnant in 95 degree weather. My five year old can't wait!
I'll keep you posted, but if there is a sudden stop of blogging, you probably will have a good guess as to why. Good delivery ju-ju please?!?

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

173 and public apology

I woke up this morning from a weird dream. In this dream, I had gone to Drazil's blog and left a comment that was beyond strange, because I couldn't get anything in my brain into written format, but thought it was so hilarious that I posted my response anyway. Guess what? It wasn't a dream! That is the direct repurcussion of taking your Ambien and thinking you had 20 minutes until it kicked in, so you could run around and do things for 15 minutes. NOT! Draz, I am so so so so sorry! I will try to remember what I was trying to say. Probably something deep and important. Please forgive me and I will try to only take my sleeping med as I'm turning off my bedside lamp. Sorry.

So, this isn't as exciting anymore... but I'm at 173 this morning. Has anyone had a plateau last longer than six weeks? Tell me if you have, because if I don't get a response, I'm awarding myself the "longest plateau" award. I've decided that I might actually try to lose more weight, so my daughter and I can share clothes after her baby is born (yes, she is currently 10 months pregnant and was at zero and zero yesterday afternoon). Our builds are quite different, but despite, or because of that, I think we'll be able to share clothes. She's starting to see one real benefit in that... lots of shopping!!!

So, hooray 173. And Drazil... thanks for putting up with my antics. I'm so embarrassed... it's not as funny this morning as I thought it was last night. Well, maybe it's a little comical. I promise I'm not (that) crazy or on any other drugs (unless you count occasional wine). Ok, I'm going to try to attempt my Wednesday here... ugh.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Can you read that sign?

Much to my daughter,s mortification, I made her take this picture today. If it's too blurry to read... it says... SUPER CHINA. Yup, this is going to be a TMI post about my post tummy tuck private part... so leave now if you are too delicate for this subject.

I've been trying to find a way to present this subject, and when I saw this store today, well... it was a sign. Literally and figuratively. My China. My NEW China after surgery. I promised I would be honest about my experience, so I am going to live up to my word. Enough of a long prelude?

So, my China is now much closer to my belly button than I would have thought physically possible. This causes a very new problem. I pee straight out. Like a guy. Right after my surgery, I thought there was something wrong because I couldn't pee. Well, after the nurse laughed at me, she reminded me that pulling my China up, also pulled my urethra up. Duh, but one of those things I had not anticipated.

NOW, I HAVE A SUPER CHINA! I can hit walls with my pee! If I wait and have to go badly, watch the hell out, and have the bathroom cleaner and lysol wipes ready. I must consciously AIM DOWN every single time I go to the bathroom. I don't know if this is good or bad or neither, but it is an honest consequence of my tummy tuck.

Does my China now have "other" super powers, you're wondering? You were wondering that right? Well, I think "everything" is a little more taught. More taught equals more sensitive. I could be imagining it, and I'm just getting back into the swing of things (because of the pain I had for so long)... but I do believe there just might be a really fabulous consequence of my tummy tuck. Hell, I'll pee like a guy if I can come like one, too. Yes, I did just say that. I warned all delicate flowers to turn back many paragraphs ago.

So, there you have it. The post that has needed to be told, but I didn't know how to bring it up. I hope the SUPER CHINA store doesn't sue me now. I'll just use their bathroom if they get nasty. :)

Monday, June 21, 2010

An heartfelt plea...

Even though I'm not fond of the word followers... I think it would be dishonest of me to not admit that I'm more than a little excited that I've hit 100 friends. Does every blogger have that "100" desire? Maybe that's just my personal arbitrary number, but I'm really humbled and happy to have reached it.

Here's the plea I've been forgetting to make, and now seems to be the perfect time...

If you are following me, and I'm not following you (and you'd like one additional follower/friend)... please leave me your blog site in a comment?!?

I've tried to follow every person who is following me, but sometimes finding your link is difficult, or blogger is being moody and I forget to go back, or whatever... but I'd sincerely like the opportunity to read what you have to say.


Happy Fathers Day to ME

I come from a long family history of "Crappy Birthdays" which also includes "Crappy Made Up Holidays"... don't worry about our Thanksgivings and Christmases... I manage to salvage them. ANYWAY. SO, yes my husband got his obligatory "Happy Father's Day" in words from me, and I reminded our son to tell him also. Holiday accomplished!!! The rest of the day was all about ME. Not really, but if I could have put in an actual order for a perfect day, yesterday would have been it.

Slept in until 10am. It's the time of the month when my band is tight, and I'm not craving sugar, so I could enjoy all kinds of fabulous food without worry. The weather was gorgeous... 80 degrees and a breeze... my ALL TIME FAVORITE. Perfect laying out weather... broke out the yellow polka dot bikini... and enjoyed the sun (yes I know this is a cancer risk, but that will ruin my perfect day scenario, so screw it). Where was I? Oh, yes... I also finished the other half of my personal bottle of Moscato. We went and flew a kite. Enjoyed my five year old. Barbecued some marinated chicken. Did a few little odd things, just to feel a little bit accomplished. Words aren't doing this justice.

I was telling my friend at work about my perfect weekend... her response? "It's just the calm before the storm". Damn, damn, damn it! She thinks like I do. I just hadn't gotten THERE yet. Screw it. I'm still high on my perfectly peaceful Sunday. I'll worry about the storm tomorrow.

It's almost time for me to go home for the day, and I still need to eat my lunch. I'm just starting to feel hungry. Gotta love this. I wish it was like this all month long. I'll get about two and a half good weeks. Maybe I'll see below 174 soon. Maybe I won't. I put all of my new pants in the dryer on super hot to try and shrink them. My life story. At least I eeked out one amazing day from the universe. I win. Love you all...

Friday, June 18, 2010

A fine Friday

First of all, sorry that I come accross as preachy in some of my posts. It's really for me, not you. If you get something out of my craziness... good, I'm happy. But the preachy is not intended in your direction, but to help reinforce for myself the things I'm learning and figuring out. Thanks for bearing with me, I appreciate your insight and support.

It's Friday. Eighty degrees and clear blue skies for the foreseeable future. HEAVEN. It's also about time! Oh, and the summer pants I bought... are getting too loose. I thought this was my final size, but barring any more surgical swelling, it appears I'm getting smaller. Scale is not budging. Hasn't moved in six weeks. My swelling has been all over the place, and then PMS weight, and on and on, and I'm not sure that I really want to actually lose any more weight but maintenance is a fine balance because I also don't want to gain any weight. Now do you see why I have to get this all out for me to figure out?

Tomorrow my daughter is 40 weeks! ANY.DAY.NOW!!! I'm a mix of thoughts and emotions. Some of you may know well the responsibility of motherhood. It's wonderful! But parenthood is the biggest and most important challenge in a persons life. Not everyone chooses that path. Some people have the path find them. However, I truly believe that for a woman, there needs to be more in her life than children. For me, I've been a much better mom as a direct result of having my own life and career and purpose. That's what I hope for my daughter. She will be a fantastic mother, but most importantly for her and her little family, she will be a fantastic person.

Trying to decide what movie to see tonight. Confession time... I crave movie theatre popcorn. I have to have to have to have it once a week. Do I want butter on that? Do I look like the kind of girl that DOESN'T want butter on that??? I want to leave in an ambulance! Ok, that's not funny. However, I love it. It's one of those things I can't give up. I plan for it. I can't physically eat that much (duh), but every Friday I get so excited for our little date night splurge! I was advised that after my band, I would not be able to tolerate popcorn. Sadness... but it turns out that's not true for me! Not only is it a fine Friday, but also a crunchy, buttery, salty one. Hope it is for you, too! ;)

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Working with myself

Sometimes we get what we want by breaking the rules. Sometimes we get what we want by working with the system. I'm trying to get what I want by doing both.

I've dieted the old fashioned way... epoch failures. Two of the "rules" that I was a chronic breaker of were 1) I must feel guilty if I eat candy or chips or whatever and 2) I must eat breakfast and not eat at night.

I can follow those rules for a week or two, sometimes lots longer, but not forever. So, I've decided to work WITH myself instead of AGAINST myself.

What does that mean exactly? Well, it means that I'm not going to try to force myself to make "perfect" food choices. Don't get me wrong, I usually make healthy food choices. But, why would I beat myself up over wanting and indulging in an occasional, fully informed decision to eat whatever I choose?

And, I'm going to eat WHEN I want to. I've never been a big morning eater. I do eat a small amount in the morning, if and when I'm hungry. However, I have always enjoyed being an evening eater. I had a nutrition instructor in nursing school who believed that it was calories in and calories out, not WHEN you ate those calories. I know digestion and metabolism slow during the night, but enough to make a real difference? I'm doubting that. Just like muscle burns more calories than fat... an average of what 40 more calories a day? That's great, but not amazing.

Anyway, so those two "rules" don't work for me. I'm finished forcing myself into feeling guilty about food... what a waste of time for something that doesn't even work! And, I'm tired of playing the party line about when I naturally want to eat. I'm listening to my body this time, instead of to everyone else. Who "says" for me better than ME? It's mind boggling to me that I've spent so much of my life futally working against myself. It seems so simple that by working with myself, I'd take the best care of myself. Deceptively simple.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Who is the real me?

Therapy last night. The art continues for a little over a month now. When I first started, I would draw my feelings, not "thinking" about what I was "doing" but purely expressing how I was "feeling". I have a disconnect between my emotions and expressing them. Anyway, the most intriguing thing has happened the past two weeks. I actually have gotten a full picture in my mind. This morning I woke up with a detailed portrait of a woman in my mind. She was me. It was an odd portrait, no surpise there. Unfortunately, it is way too technical for my artistic ability (or lack thereof). I attempted to draw it. I wrote down notes about it, even though I don't think I'm going to forget it. Frustratingly, I don't know how I'm going to get it from my mind onto paper.

But, what I really wanted to share was the fact that this woman (me) was not overweight. The body was not perfect, but it was not fat. I'm wondering if that means that I identify myself as a thin person? More than three quarters of my life has been spent at a "normal" weight. However, my experiences as an obese woman have affected me profoundly. I know what it's like to be thin, morbidly obese, thin, obese, thin, then morbidly obese again, and now thin(ish). I've always said I would remain a card carrying member of the "phat girls club". But, after seeing my minds image of myself, it seems obvious that being overweight is not how I identify myself. And believe me when I say that this portrait was not altogether flattering.

Do I play for both teams- thin AND fat? What are the implications of our self image on our weight and weight loss? How do you identify yourself? How might that affect you on your weight loss journey? I know I think way too much about this subject, but I want change on the deepest level to help me stay at a healthy weight. And I also want some art lessons.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I don't tell either...

Gilly's not telling how much weight she's lost anymore. I don't tell either. Well, I tell BOOBs how much... 125lbs... and other than that I only tell a select few. My reason is mostly vanity. I don't want anyone to do the math. I am embarrassed by how much weight I've lost. When people ask me that question, my standard response is "a pound or two", with a wink. Maybe it's me, butI think it's actually rude for people not in your intimate closest circle to ask such a personal question. My husband told his dad how much weight I've lost, and I actually felt really betrayed. He was just being a dumb guy, and it didn't cross his male brain that there are only a few people in my real life who know details about my weight and loss.

When someone asks me about my band... that's another story. If someone I don't know asks me how I've lost weight, I usually say high protein and portion control. It's awkward for me to be asked such a personal question. But, if I know the person? Watch out! I love to talk about my band... especially that it's an amazing TOOL but that I still have to do MY part. I've never felt like anyone has thought I was cheating by using my band. I have my sales pitch ready before they even have a chance to think about it. And the band makes so much sense, I've yet to come accross anyone to counter the arguments for it. There really aren't too many negatives about it, and what it does... well, I hope just seeing me and how much healthier I am is enough to make anyone a believer.

I feel an intense need to be a strong advocate for bariatric surgery. And since our blog group has been such a successful group... I hope to the extent that everyone is comfortable, that we all do our part to promote such a powerful tool against obesity. I get that it's extremely personal. But, I also get what it's like to be a morbidly obese woman without hope. And the truth of the matter is, there IS a way out. It's still hard work, but there is help. Real help! Life is better banded. LIFE IS BETTER BANDED!

Sunday, June 13, 2010



OR... blue shirt in the Video Bar (third one down?)...

I apologize for the tracking and sound... I don't know how to get the two integrated better, and it's a miracle it's even downloaded...

SO... good luck!

PS- you can manually slide the two together with your mouse on the tracking bar that moves on the bottom. Kinda sorta works. You gotta really want to see this one. I'm so sorry!

And the damn thing cuts me off... I give up! I'm going to bed!

Friday, June 11, 2010


With a "t". So, I've had a strange yet cool NSV this week. Last weekend, I went on a little shopping spree... and it was very wonderful because I wasn't just looking for cute shoes and accessories. I was looking for cute CLOTHES. I think I've decided my new body shape is rectangle, with boobs and a butt. Anyway! Getting back to the NSV... I've been wearing some of my more casual clothes to work because I can, BUT I've had to tuck in my shirt a couple of times or my outfit looked too sloppy. TUCK.IN.MY.SHIRT! It doesn't even make my pants look like "mom jeans". I don't have to wear my shirt like a tent anymore to cover my tummy and junk! It's flat. I can tuck! I think I love tucking!

Now that I've reminded myself of boobs and butt... I think I'm stalling on weight loss, because I don't want to lose any more of either one. Mr. W has requested that I not lose those, and now when I eat that little treat, I think to myself "I'm doing this for him!". I am eternally stuck at 174. Even though that is technically 15lbs overweight for me, it wouldn't kill me if I stayed here. It's ironic, because I'm actually having to talk myself off the ledge about eating more than 1500 calories a day on the days I eat more than that. Crazy.

Tracy had a really good post yesterday which included how many calories she used to eat VS what she currently eats. I've run those numbers for myself. At 300lbs, I had to consume over 2700 calories a day to maintain that weight. I think I was taking in WAY more than that. To maintain 174lbs, I can eat just over 2000 calories a day. That's a lot of food! It doesn't sound like a huge difference in number per day (to me anyway), but it's a difference of approximately a quarter of a million calories per year!

I must be in a plateu because I'm averaging about 1800 calories per day, and technically should be losing weight. It seems true for me that it's more difficult to see dramatic weight loss the further out I get from surgery. Maybe it's denial when I say I could be happy here for life, but I don't think it is. I'm REALLY happy here. I can move, I can shop, and I can tuck as much as I want to!

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

What's your flavor?

Mine would be mint chocolate chip. Out of all the other flavors in the world, there isn't one that would even come close for me. A couple of weeks ago, we had a half gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream in our freezer. I was a little nervous... could I have it in the house and not lose complete control? It was my daughter's request to buy it, and I warned her that if I had any difficulty at all with my self control around it, it was going down the kitcen sink disposal. It's a slider, so my band would be useless against it. It was completely up to me. And, I'm happy to report that I had a 1/2 cup serving size everyday. One of the days, I thought about having two servings because I could fit it in calorie wise. But I've made a decision to have treats, but to always limit myself to one serving (or half a serving if it's huge or calorie dense). It is completely up to me to be mindful of what I'm doing around these types of food.

An excellent question was recently posed to me. Did I think that my history of anorexia (and obvious ability to refrain from food) somehow give me a "willpower" advantage with my band? I think that is absolutely a valid point. I do have that ability for the most part, but living that way is not sustainable for life. We each gained weight for different reasons, and I truly believe the band works for each of us for different reasons. There are different flavors even among bandsters.

By my surgeons criteria, I was not a good candidate for the band. I am a carboholic and grazer, complete disadvantages to being banded. It would appear that I would be the kind of person that would simply eat around their band. But, I have not done that! I've respected my band, and in my opinion have been successful. My point is, whatever disadvantage any of us may have, whatever place we may be coming from in our obesity, the band is ALWAYS an advantage for every single one of us. It works how you want it to, if you want it to.

Some people use their band as a "plan a" and some use it as a "plan b". I'm in the second group. I will fully admit that I try to use my own willpower first, and if that doesn't work, I'm expecting my band to help me out. I paid for half of it (my insurance benefit was not generous), so I absolutely have expectations of it. That is what has worked for me. However, those who use their band as "plan a" can be just as successful, if that's what works for their individual personality and lifestyle.

I am anti-diet with my band. No surprise there. However it would be a lie to say that in the beginning, I wasn't diligent about keeping track of what I was eating. I knew protein was important, and as I was tracking that, it made sense for me to check calories and get the most bang for my protein buck. I even wrote down what I was eating for a very long time. Tracking calories! Dieting! And, that did help with my band loss. I used the two in tandem. Eating that way was a short term advantage for me.

But, I know me. And, I can't keep up a diet forever. Now, I'm at a point where I've got a dietary routine. From experience, I have a rough idea of the amount of protein and calories I have during the day. Nights and weekends... it's my own prudence and the band, baby! I do have willpower, but it's not like when I was anorexic, which was a sickness and not an advantage... one reason being that I couldn't be that way for life (death was the only other option). But, my band??? It's a healthy alternative and long term advantage.

How do you use your band? What advantages do you have with it? Disadvantages? What's your flavor?

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Not in one night

I wish I could report that I had amazing resolution in my therapy last night. The only progress I made was that I could get the words out of my mouth. And, that was thanks to you my friends... allowing my practice run on you. Now, if I could just get the images out of my head. I had to pull over to throw up on my way home. I can't even cry about it. I'm so numb. I started to cry, but then this power switch shuts off, and I feel myself turn off. My doctor says what's protecting me is what's hurting me. How do I win that one? My husband told me to PLEASE see this through. To do the work. Shit, therapy is REALLY hard work.

We obviously talked a lot about suicide last night. In my mind, I was thinking and believing that I'm personally not a suicidal kind of person. My smartass thought was that I don't have the luxury of suicide. My children need me too much. Plus, I see no relief whatsoever in suicide. At least here I can hide from my grief. Not really, but I try.

But, then I realized that anorexia was for me an intentional slow suicide. Wanting to waste away to nothing. Non-existance. I can't decide if weight gain was also a form of slow suicide. Some of the behavior that lead to my obesity was self abusive for certain. I think.

So you may be wondering if I lied on my psych eval about my history of anorexia. Yes, yes I did. I lied. But, I have to be honest with you right now and tell you that although I can see several ways to abuse my band for anorexic tendencies, I have NOT done them. I've not even been tempted. My desire for health and balance have won that battle. I'm not stupid, I know it could happen. But, for right now and the foreseeable future, I think my eating habits are healthy. I'm not fanatical about any food group (except protein first!), and I try to allow myself to have whatever I want. Sometimes that's yummy veggies, sometimes it's dessert.

Thanks for all of your support yesterday. I apologize because it's difficult for me to be all warm and fuzzy about this. I'm just not there yet. But, I appreciate your support more than words can express.

PS- I'm trying to leave comments, but sometimes blogger won't let me. I'm reading all your blogs...

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Life Anesthesized

It's been encouraging and intimidating for me to read the life events that have been shared so willingly and trustingly on your blogs. Yesterday, I decided that I should share a little more about myself. My mind is a strange place because today, all of a sudden, I couldn't remember what I wanted to post about. I usually have a good idea of what I want to say and discuss. But not today. My doctor put my brain into perspective for me last week, by telling me that I live an anesthesized life. It's amazing that I'm not an alcoholic or drug or anything addict. I definitely get a high off of sugar, but I don't think I'm clinically a food addict. I do love endorphins from running for sure. However, I just turn off. I always thought the times I was doing really well, it was by my own doing. Turns out, I have learned to anesthesize my life. Zone out. Nuetralize any feeling. ANY feeling.

How does this affect my weight issues? I'm not sure. I've had two major weight gains in my life. The first I can directly correlate to depression. The second I can directly relate to medical problems. To be honest, my eating issues actually started out as anorexic tendencies. Well, actually anorexia. I've had two major rounds with it. The first as a teenager, in an effort to control the one area of my life where I had an influence. The second was after my first marriage (and first major weight gain), once again in an effort to gain control over my life. I believe this is why not dieting is so important to me. I do not want one extreme or the other. Just balance.

I'm going to try to be brave here and talk about some of the things from my past that bother me. First, I had a very controlled childhood. Think "Mommy Dearest"... different, but the same. I have recently come to understand that I was raised by a narcissist, and all the fun that goes along with that. On top of that, nothing short of perfection was expected of me. And, I was told that it was supposed to look effortless. Just a little pressure. I never felt as if I lived up to any expectation. I learned to compete only with myself, and set the bar so high that no one could reach it. I learned to dispise myself, to feel worthless, and to seek control in my own life wherever I could possibly eek it out. This set the tone for the rest of my life. Until now.

Secondly, I am haunted by a memory. Sometimes I think it's close to post traumatic stress disorder. For the sake of the other persons privacy I'll be gender neutral. Here goes. I found a person very close to me hanging. From the ceiling. This person was heavy for me, and I when I found them, I was trying to push this person up (to relieve the airway pressure) as I attempted to remove the noose from around their neck. As I was able to release this person (not easy to do), I lost my hold on them. We were at the top of a long flight of polished wood stairs. This person fell down the entire flight of stairs. I can replay the whole thing in my mind. Stair by horrendous stair. I know it's not my fault, but the guilt of not being able to catch this person haunts me. At the time, I was a volunteer for our local emergency department, and was able to fly with life flight with my loved one to the trauma center. I remember looking over the city and thinking about this person dying. Surreal at the time. This person survived. There's some obvious traumatic brain injury sequalae, however most people wouldn't know that something this horrible happened. It makes me sick to think about it. I have knots in my stomach right now. I plan on talking about this in therapy tonight. Yup, one year of therapy, and I've not discussed this.

I live a life anesthesized.

Monday, June 7, 2010


Diets have a long term weight loss success rate of 3%. Any professional who uses the word is smoking crack. Thank god my surgeon told me I should be eating anything I want (protein first, don't drink with meals) in tiny portions (never more than a cup). That's it. That's what the band does. Oh, and it conservatively increases the success rate of weight loss to over 50%.

What did this non-dieting bandster eat over the weekend? sausage biscuit (haven't had one in years, and it lasted as two meals), stuffed calzone (just a few bites, but oh so satisfying), sausilito chicken (grilled chicken breast in a garlic cream sauce with artichoke hearts, onion, pine nuts, and fresh basil... orgasmic), chips and salsa (mostly salsa by the spoonful), warm cookie bar w/ ice cream and chocolate sauce, tequila lime chicken, strawberry daiquri snowball, and you get the idea. No diet. Nothing off limits. Just a few bites of the dessert. The most I ever eat of a restaurant dish is 1/3. That means IF I get back to the leftovers, a restaurant meal lasts me for three meals.

BEST NSV EVER? I went to lunch with my daughter on Sunday. She ate two or three bites of her entree, and boxed the rest because she wasn't hungry. We had a healthy appetizer and she was honestly not hungry. In the past, I have really worried about what my bad eating habits have taught my children. In the past, I would have cleaned my plate at a restaurant. It is unbelievable to see the influence I've had in a little over a year of being banded. Now when my daughter is full, she takes the extra food home. She feels no obligation to eat it all. We didn't discuss this act, but it made me really happy to know that as I've changed for the better, I'm undoing bad eating examples I may have set for my children.

Thanks for obliging me in beating a dead horse about the no dieting issue.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Hypnosis Failure

I've been wanting to share on my blog a little bit of my weekly therapy because I think that it has been equally as significant in my weight loss as my band. I'm not into sharing my "feelings", hence the need for psychoanalysis. It helps me to recognize feelings (hello right brain!) and reprocess ones that have a negative impact on my life. I've learned to stay in the moment. I've learned to not judge (especially myself). I've learned that there isn't "good" or "bad", and instead seek to understand what feelings or what my body is trying to tell me. I've learned the importance and power of meditation. These may sound like obvious concepts, but they weren't to me and focusing my attention in this direction has changed me profoundly.

My psychologist is actually a researcher. He's an expert on pain relief. He studies epigenomes and how they affect the development of our brains and feelings and bodies. He is one of the most brilliant men I've ever met, and I am extremely fortunate to have been accepted as his patient. Well, I think I'm a case study, so it's win/win. Anyway, my belabored point is that he does some really cool stuff.

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned that we were going to try hypnosis. It didn't work for me. I was so anxious to have a HUGE "break through" that it didn't even come close to happening. I don't think there really is anything that is latent from my past. I remember it all. Unfortunately.

However, I have started doing the coolest thing. Art therapy. Not making baskets or crafts. But drawing my "feelings" (right brain). I don't "think" (left brain)about what I'm going to draw, I just draw what I'm feeling. And it has been extremely therapeutic. The first picture I drew was of my fibromyalgia pain. Having tangible evidence of what I was feeling, made it so real. Being able to show someone what it felt like was relieving beyond anything I've ever tried. I've since had two other profound drawings. Not technical. I'm not an artist. These aren't Van Gogh's. But, in many ways just as telling.

My point is that I keep in mind that there is more to weight gain and weight loss (for some people anyway) than just overeating. While my therapy is not about weight, coming to understand myself and my feelings helps me to be true to myself. Good to myself. To be gentle with myself. I'm still learning and RE-learning, but this every bit as instrumental in my health as my band. And, I wanted to share just a little bit of this with you.

Oh, and I really want to see 173lbs tomorrow... I'm WAITING! See how much I've improved??? Sigh. It's ok. Anyone remember the 191 drama? I thought I'd be at that weight forever. That was almost twenty pounds ago. So, I'm letting this go. I'll get there. I'll get beyond there. And I'll be there with you my dear BOOBs!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

SomeOME doesn't edit?!?!

And I'm not going back to fix it.

Ok, ok... I'll try to post some pictures. I did a vlog over the weekend. Actually FOUR of them, but there were some serious editing issues there as well and I completely broke my ONE TAKE ONLY rule. That's my clue to trash the whole thing.

Anyway, I've been feeling so amazing lately. Lots of energy. Doing yard work was fun over the weekend. I felt so healthy. I could bend over. I could work hard. I may not be fast, but I have stamina. That's how I am with running, too. I'm an eight minute mile girl, but I can go for MANY miles. Did I mention I'm craving endorphins? (Did you notice I avoided sexual double entendre there?!? Oh, wait... does that ruin it now???).

I have to say this. I feel like a complete bragger, but if I can get to this point, anyone can get to this point. So, here's what I want to tell you. I am wearing a size eight dress. Today. It's an Ann Taylor synthetic knit. I've been lugging it around in my "skinny clothes" box for YEARS. I couldn't bear to get rid of these clothes because I felt like it was a symbol of giving up. Now, bear in mind that this is probably the ONE and ONLY size eight thing in the world I could get on because the cut and fabric are more than forgiving. To say the least. But I'm wearing it, and I feel so elated. Yeah, I'm wearing a size eight today. Woot.

I'll try to get some picture proof of all these NSV's. No to a bikini picture. I already admitted it's not pretty. I will try to also get some pics of my TT scar. It's getting lots better. But, that's one major reason the bikini is not so pretty. Anyway, leaving work early here. Thanks for all the sweet comments. And thanks for sharing what you do on your blogs. I look forward to reading them every day.