Monday, February 28, 2011

longer & faster

I can do anything for a minute. If I can do it for two minutes... then I'll try three. If I can do it for that long, why not seven minutes? Then I take it down and start over again. I'm a month off from a less than eight minute mile, but every day I'm running longer & faster. I personally prefer distance over speed, but right now I'm just getting as many miles as 45 minutes will get me. I'm also strength training- weights are new to me because I never really thought I needed it before, but my arms need toning (badly).

Running is terrific anger management for me. I love my job, but today was a little frustrating for me. We're implementing new processes, and trying to build bridges at the same time- the two can be at odds with each other, however we need them to go hand in hand in order to be successful. We need to do this on our own (that my friends was foreshadowing). Anyway, tonight I would let my anger wash over me- and then up my speed. That was my motivation for longer & faster. Usually I'm into intrinsic satisfaction, however a good extrensic motivator can really push me.

I've been thinking today about the concept that if you can see it, you can do it. It works for the band, exercise, careers- it applies to everything. I know some people struggle with if they will be successful with their band (or fill in the blank)- we all feel that way at some point or to some extent. That's why it's important to have positive support- if someone else can do it, why can't I? Honestly, I feel successful (most of the time)- and I'm not super special- not in a derogatory way, just a realistic way. It's easier for me to get somewhere, if I have an idea of where I want to go. I want to go longer & faster...

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The birth of an addiction?

Tonight felt amazing. I think my husband was a little hurt that running makes me feel so good. Guess he'll have a point to proove.

So far, the worry I had about using this simply for weight loss has been unfounded. I'm doing this to feel good and to feel strong. That's a healthy approach. I've used exercise previously to get very thin. This time, I don't care if I lose a pound or go down any sizes at all.

This is random, but I think important: somewhere along the line, I learned to only compete against myself. I really enjoy doing that with running. Upping the ante each run. I stuck to the 45 minutes again tonight and went faster and further than last night. I took the incline all the way up, and I allowed myself to go slower. If I took the incline down, I pushed myself to go faster. Then I let up for a few minutes, and did it all over again. But the important part is- I don't compare my exercise to what anyone else is doing. All that matters is that every day (or every few days)- I'm doing better than I personally had been doing.

Last thought of the evening- I like my approach to food when I'm running. As I've made painfully clear, I'm not a health nut. However, food as fuel becomes important when I need it to be. I want good energy. That's definitely positive.

So that's where I'm at in my head. Relieved I'm not turning this into a bad addiction. But it's still an addiction? If it is, I'm keeping this one.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Now I want it.

Sometimes I feel guilty when I'm not a good commenter. I've been a pretty horrible commenter recently. I have been a fairly decent reader though. And the theme of really "wanting" it has kept standing out to me. This whole weight control is so frustrating and multi-faceted. When I was three hundred pounds... I wanted to lose. I wanted it badly, but was so afraid- of failure, of watching hopes and dreams die- of feeling powerless over my own body.

Then some trigger tripped. I got my band. I felt like I could do this, not just for the short term but for the long haul. Surgery gave me the confidence that any hard work I did would be worth it. Because even with weight loss support, the process takes diligence and perseverance. I had to remember to keep my "eyes on the prize". I wanted my weight loss to be meaningfull, to feel it, to embrace it. In a very real way, what I sincerely wanted was to no longer be at war with myself. It is a battle with weight, but even more so- it's been a battle with myself.

To that end, I've had a very similar philosphy about running and exercise. I've always enjoyed it, and didn't want to ruin that for myself by making it a chore. The theory "I was good today because I exercised" has not been motivational for me. For me, that line of thinking lends itself to guilt. Guilt is as bad for exercise, as it is for food choices. The one thing I've got going for me in all of this is, that I've made an effort to not ruin my love of running.

I've been waiting until the timing felt right. Physically, this is the first spring/summer I'll be able to really go for it... in eight (?) years. Emotionally, I really want it. I want to feel healthy and strong. Lean and toned. Endorphins washing through my brain and soul. I want that feeling of my body working as a machine, the the whole world blurring by me, and a cirlcle of clarity from the top of my head to the bottome of my feet. This feeling. This feeling in indescribable. I want it. I want it now. Now is my time.

I ran for forty five minutes tonight. That's good since I haven't done any honest running since 2003 Tonight, I was very pround of my body for being so strong and healthy after all I've put it through. Don't know what the kids are calling it these days, but I love interval training. Tonight I started with a slow pace, and added incline as my challenge. The other REALLY important thing I like to to do at this stage, is to not physically challenge myself unnessecarily. Getting on the treadmill and working with weights for an hour is the prize for tonight. Keeping things simple so I'm not in pain helps it to stay fun- and from my own experience, I'm convinced it is the way this should be.

This may be the place I've been looking for. My natural embrace back to running and working out. Tonight was nothing but joy. I'm excited to get back to it tomorrow night. I'm excited to start (slowly) challenging myself. I love to see how far I push myself. I love to amaze myself with what my body can do. Espcecially now that I'm in my forties. Energy wise and work out wise, tonight felt no different than it would have 15 years ago.

Do you think it's possible to feel better and be able to do more than I could that long ago? Now is my time, and I really want it. What do you think?

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Before the Ambien hits-

It's all good. I'm less frustrated. Weight is stable... funny how that's always a significant concern? I'm finding myself doing some mindless eating, but I'm more aware than I would have been previously. At times, I really want the band to do ALL of the work for me, but I still need to be aware of what I'm doing. I don't mind if I'm not making terrific choices, as long as I know exactly what it is I am putting into my body. It's when I stop paying attention (good or bad), that I personally have potential for weight gain despite my band. It's a shallow subject, but it belongs to me, and if I had to guess- it's not going anywhere at all.

Oh! My son broke his engagement and moved in with some guy friends of his. That's been a huge relief. How are you going to spend your life? Who are you going to spend your life with? Now, those are very important matters. I want my children to get those as close to right as you can when you're young, naive, and inexperienced. My two oldest are listening. I give them my input, try to support decisions that won't have disastrous consequences, and hope they'll accept some of my life experience to limit damage to their own. I recognized many amazing qualities in my spouse because of all the life crap I'd gone through. My oldest had first row seats to my life show and I hope they see what good things look like- and model a healthy relationship as what they will do in their own lives.

My husband and I had an appointment on Valentine's Day with our lawyer- to do our wills. How romantic? We did have a lovely dinner and very deep conversation that evening. It is the strangest thing to plan major details of your death. We were very lucky in that we both agreed with all of our choices. And then that lead us to reassess everything that's important in our lives. That, and the night before that we had been watching a science channel show on near death experiences. We have strong beliefs, they just don't align well with any one religion or even any one type of religion. That's for another post. I asked my husband if what he thought we be doing one year from now, on Valentine's 2012- and that lead to another deep conversation. These conversations are one of my favorite reasons why I love that man.

Moving on to more shallow subject... this is silly, but the woman who does my nails talked me into doing the OPI "shatter". I have it over a fuschia "star of the party"- and I love it. Seriously, it makes me happy. Strangely, even though it's not very professional (read: dry/boring/plain)- that's exactly why I like it. My profession is pedantic (look it up), so it's fun to have things that professionally are not what people are expecting. I know, weird. By the way, I think what I do is exhilerating...

Speaking of that... and coming back to deeper subject... it looks like things are accelerating with my professional aspirations. There is a very tangible niche in the current recovery healthcare market- and I think we may have the team and capital to really do something that no one else is doing. I know we're the only ones on our horizon with the experience. This is my ultimate dream. This would shut me up about wanting more out of life. It really would.

I'm getting dangersouly close to my sleeping med hitting, so I'll end here. I'll read till I fall asleep, and will try diligently to NOT post any comments. You'll thank me for that.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

How to put into words...


Frustration. That's why I've been avoiding blogging. It's not weight related, my weight is steady. I actually put on a pair of my size 8 suit slacks last week. They wouldn't zip or button, but I got them on. If I'd run or do anything to help, I could wear them (if they weren't so hopelessly outdated). Those particular pants are part of the collection of skinny clothes I've been saving because getting rid of them would be a sign to me of giving up my weight loss dream. It's funny because I've been feeling fat. I've come so far, 170 pounds should feel terrific. Mostly it does, but it's not the end all. Losing the weight is not the end of the journey. For me, it's the beginning.

That's not what's frustrating me. I haven't been able to put into words what's been going on the past few weeks. I'm sitting here trying to find the words right now, just to get this over with. But still, so much is swirling around in my mind, and nothing organizable is filtering through. Could it be that I'm expecting too much? Is it that I'm hysterical- am I just a crazy lady? That's for sure. But that's not the issue in it's entirety. I've been ignoring this stuff for well over a year. And now there are more questions than answers and I can't deal with that. I'm jaded. And as quick as I am to advocate for others, I won't do the same for myself.

Wow... that certainly clarified what was going on. It's more than I've been able to say, so it is progress. I have been immersing myself in my job- I can happily get lost there. Not certain that's the healthiest way to cope, but it's working for me as an outlet. Blogging has also been an outlet, but when I don't have the words, it's useless. Is it painfully obvious that I need to find the feelings first? So maybe this is the start of finding them.