Sunday, October 31, 2010

Work hard, PLAY HARDER

So, the job was posted on Friday, but I haven't applied yet. Don't know what I want, but I'm willing to see where this goes. I've been MIA because I was given a huge project for a VIP (very important payer). Anyway, all eyes are on me, and I've got to get this right, and get it done quickly. The last part is the most difficult part. Everyone else has the luxury of only reviewing a couple of pieces of data, and I have to make sure every other detail is perfect. I'm doing this under the direct supervision of our CFO. But, all I can do is all I can do, and I am not going to kill myself for my job. Ever. I want to love what I do. But what I do is not who I am...

But playing is a whole other story! I.LOVE.HALLOWEEN! We have been to so many fun parties I can't see straight. Seriously. My vision was blurry. It has been a long time since I've felt comfortable enough about my weight and how I look to go out and have a real social life. We even had a costume party at our house this weekend, and I had the pleasure of meeting the majority of my husband's boyhood friends. These guys have all been friends since kindergarten. And I've heard crazy stories, and was a little nervous to actually meet them. We have been married for seven years, and they all live very close to us, however for whatever reason he decided now would be good to reconnect (I'm sure alot of it had to do with me, and of course my weight). But, the night (and morning) was hilarious, and we're all getting together to do it again in two weeks. It was great for me to see that side of Mr. Wonderful.

We did trick or treating last night (Saturday) night... and if Halloween and candy have been a hot topic this week... let me chime in. I bought good candy. I did not buy it until Saturday, so there would be contained temptation. I had a few pieces, the rest was gone by 9pm into little trick or treaters goody bags. Even my six year old "regifted" any candy he didn't want (which left him with about two handfuls- which is extremely good if you were a kid like me and would want two sackfuls). Anyway, it was fun, delicious, and not overdone.

Today, I don't know so much. I was a grazer today. I don't like when my eating doesn't have some level of control. I ate mindlessly, and it's an uncomfortable feeling for me physically and emotionally. It's a remnant of my past that still haunts me. Maybe that's just it. It was my ghost of fattness past coming to remind me of where I've been, and where I do not want to return. Do you remember making deals with yourself that you'll never eat like that again, and this week you'll do better and make healthy food choices and portion control. And that you'd exercise... lots. That is actually what I don't want to do. I spent years with that mentality, and I was fat fat fat. I don't know exactly what to make of today. Maybe it was just a day. It certainly wasn't that fun. I've packed my normal band friendly foods for work tomorrowk, and the proof for me will be how the week turns out. Not how one random relax day went. And there is so much comfort for me in knowing that if I were to gain weight (and if I did eat enough to gain a pound, that is not a huge deal), and I have my surgeon and a fabulous tool to help me, if I feel like my weight is slipping. It's my plan B that I talk about all the time. It helps end that fear rollercoaster about food and weight gain. I'm still in the 160's. I do weigh myself everyday. I can range from 168 to 173 with period weight, so I won't consider any fluctation as fat gain unless I get over 174. That's when I think I'll have to do something more proactive.

It's getting to be the holiday season. And, I have this sick fantasy of maybe even losing weight during this time of the year. I've been holding back one of my biggest weight loss guns... running. Since I'm attempting not to put work first... guess maybe I should pull out the mother of all weight loss tools. I have a weight set next to my treadmill, and maybe Mr. W would work out with me. He's already a very broad guy... he looks intimidating, but it's a laugh if you know him because he's such a gentle giant.

Anyway, didn't mean to go off so much here. Blogger wouldn't let me read comments or go to other blogs, but it would let me post. Hmmmm. Strange. So, hopefully when I'm finished with this book, I can go see what's going on in some interesting lives. Ciao.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Tighter than a two dollar hooker

Wait, that's probably not very tight, but it's alliteration so it works for me. What is REALLY tight is my band. I have about 4cc's total and my last fill was in April (a couple of weeks before my one year bandiversary). I did not have much restriction until my third fill, which wasn't until February of this year... almost eight months post op. Why did I do that? I don't have a great answer except that I want my band as a back up plan. Anyway, my point about being tight... the reason I don't want any more fill is because I can't imagine this tight any tighter. I have days where I can eat... like three pieces of pizza... but then I have days like today when I can't even get ice cream down (yes, I've been trying... hard...), and this is just the norm for me. It's how my band works, or maybe how I work my band. Everyone is so different and I love to know what works and doesn't work for other people, but at the end of the day, it's just me and my band (and sometimes a little slime).

I think I may have mentioned once that one of the main reasons I got my band was for professional reasons? Admittedly, I'm a head case, however I don't care because whatever the true cause, it's working. So, my new job is awesome, I'm pitching to corportate, life is good? Except I do believe I had a job description written for me today. As in not pitching TO corporate, but BEING corporate. I think they really REALLY liked what I did for them. So much that they created a place for me. Anyway, this is all new, just as I was leaving this afternoon. Sometimes things happen that are so amazing that I question what really just happened. Even if I'm completely misunderstanding this, I'm loving where I'm at, so no big deal. Either way, my band gets the majority of credit for helping me achieve as much as I have in the eighteen months since I've had it. My expectations have been met completely. The rest is just the icing on the cake... and that's my favorite part...

Monday, October 18, 2010

Shopping... better than fantasy...

I have no privacy in my blog or otherwise. So, when Mr. Wonderful asked to speak with me tonight... about his weight... I thought for sure he had read my last post. Well, he had not- but probably is checking it out right this second. I can only imagine it's so weird never having ever had a weight problem. Ever. Weird. For a couple of seconds there, I thought he was going to ask to get a band. He wouldn't qualify, but if we could afford it, and he wanted it, I would have been completely agreeable to the idea. We've come up with a plan for him. And guys piss me off about losing weight because it seems so easy for them. It's cliche, but it still bugs the hell out of me. But, I'll be supportive because I want him to be healthy and happy.

Speaking of healthy and happy! One of the side effects to Chicago that I've had is the desire to make time for my sisters... one of whom lives only a few miles from my house. So, Friday night we had a spontaneous sisters night out... dinner and shopping! SHOPPING! I went shopping with my size eight sister (who thinks she's fat, but that's another post). It was an amazing feeling to know I could pick out anything off the rack of "normal" sizes, and it would fit, and more often than not it would look good. This is just not getting old, and the feeling I have when I can do this is unbelievable. Words do no justice. Grateful, relieved, elated, overwhelmed. It's a lease on life that would never have been possible without my band. This is better than fantasy. Much, MUCH better...

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Food Fantasies...

Another interesting week in blogland. All the talk has gotten me to thinking about my relationship with food, how it affects my family, and what my own story with food is. In all honesty, now that I've gotten a grip on my food habits, so have my children. I did worry sick about what I was teaching my daughter about eating, but as I've improved, she has readily adopted better eating habits.

My real worry now is my husband, because as I've been losing he has been gaining. Not good (especially because he had a heart attack this past spring). He's a born junk food junkie... which is one reason why if I couldn't beat'em I had to join'em. We love to eat out, it's what we do, and I had to find a way to be at peace with it. I thought I'd have to give that up with my band, but not so. I eat everything I used to- except for about two thirds of the volume- which my husband now eats- including his own.

There's a little part of me that actually really likes that our weights are so far apart (60+ pounds) because it wasn't that long ago that I weighed a lot more than him. Maybe it's that reason, or because I refuse to be the food police- but I'm waiting for him to decide to be healthy. He goes on kicks where he is, but if real change is going to happen for him, he is the only one that can do it. In the end, we're each responsible for what goes in our mouthes. He was scared straight with the heart attack for a little while, but even that lost it's punch. He has never before in his life been overweight, this is new for him, and neither one of us really knows how to handle it.

Which brings me to my food fantasies. I was not overweight growing up either. I grew up in a home where all the food was organic, free range, whole foods (nothing processed)- long before it was in fashion. We ate very differently than anyone else I knew. Other foods weren't banned, just not bought very often.

I remember in lower school, everyone who packed a lunch would have white bread sandwiches with processed meats, chips, twinkies... which looked like heaven to me as I sat there with my whole wheat (the heavy kind), real white meat, fruit, milk, and no chips. I did not appreciate our healthy lifestyle.

In fact, in about third or fourth grade, I developed a food fantasy. When we were at a regular grocery store (most of our food came from a whole foods co-op, not condusive to food fantasies)- I would make a mental list of all the junk food I was going to put in my shopping cart and eat when I was a grown up. At one point, I had decided that when I was a grown up, I was going to eat nothing but cheetos, peppermint patties, and drink soda. Hmmmm... sound like anyone's diet that you know now???

Mind you, nothing was off limits for us. I could have asked for it and most of the time gotten it. But I didn't. I just fantasized about it. Until one summer, and then my fantasy completely changed...

I was in middle school. And believe it or not, this did not even happen because of other girls (although I did learn alot about dieting from girlfriends). But, my new fantasy came from meeting my maternal grandfather's family for the very first time. The only morbidly obese French people that probably exist in the world. These people were huge. I knew my grandfather had died from a heart attack secondary to morbid obesity... but it was before I was born, so really didn't sink in for me.

But seeing my own flesh and blood... and my genetic potential... had a powerful affect on me. Being in middle school, I of course thought I was chubby (5'7" and probably 120 pounds)... and for the first time ever, I dieted. And my new fantasy... was not eating. I wanted to lose weight. And I did. All the typical strategies girls learn (sadly) at that age- calorie counting, water drinking, lots of exercise and running. And I dropped weight, and got lots of positive reinforcement for it. Wow.

I don't know if that was my first round of anorexia. If it was, I've had three. As my children would joke, I've obviously beaten it. But it's not funny. My relationship with food has been polar opposites. I was either anorexic or obese. In my mind, if I wasn't losing, than I was gaining- and it was true. And truly fucked up.

I guess that's why the balance I have with food now is something that is so important to me. It's not either extreme. I can healthy. I can junk. I can MAINTAIN an acceptable weight... which is very new to me. That's really my goal and I honestly feel like I'm at peace with food, and not afraid of it, and for the first time in my life really enjoy it.

There's so much more to this for me, as there is for you as well. But this post has dragged on long enough for now. I can't tell you how enlightening it's been for me to read everyone elses histories of food and weight... very much appreciated. Gotta love the therapy going on, because it truly is. Thank you.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Going There

I think about this often, but try to push it away. But I think I'm going to go there, with you.

While I have spent time and money to lose weight, there are people dying of starvation right this very minute.

While I worry about putting together a sexy outfit for my husband, there are women in this world condemned to death for having sex.

I have spent thousands of dollars to stop myself from eating because I live in opulance and indulgence.

I have spent thousands of dollars to feel a sense of acceptance of my body so that I can wear clothes not for necessity, but for fashion.

Obesity is a slow killer. I must do what I need to do to be successful, so that I can well meet the needs of my family. I will do what I can, when I can. Everything I am doing and learning now, I will one day use to help others for a much greater cause than profit. These are the thoughts that help me sleep at night when I can't help myself from going there.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Kiss & Tell

Overly confident much? I know I come accross that way on my blog. For example, mentioning "a life I love to live" in my last post. That's actually a new concept for me. At three hundred pounds, I did not love life. At all. I was not one of the girls who is overweight and honestly fine with it. I was miserable. I enjoyed nothing... going out, relationships, food (ironically or not). When I was younger and thin and perky, I was an idiot and would worry about flaws I would love to have now. What a complete waste. I feel like a completely new person at 168 pounds... actually I feel like I'm who I should have been all along. And I'm wise enough to know not to waste the benefits of this goal I've put so much effort into achieving.

Ok, onto the juicy stuff now.! I love wearing sexy clothes with confidence. And thanks for telling me that the heels I was wearing in Chicago were stripper heels. I went all out trying to look good. I was afraid I maybe looked like a tranie, but my teenage daughter assured me I did not, and that I looked like a high end stripper. Fabulous. Low end, high end... Mr.W is really picky about that. Or not.

Mr. W had made a CD for the car of meaningful songs in our relationship (in chronological order, very awesome). We had appetizers in the city where we first met... at an Italian restaurant. Bread, OO, fresh mozzerella, crab in mushrooms, and WINE. Then we drove to the city where I lived when we first met... and we went to an Irish pub. Traditional food... fish and chips for me, Mr. W had a steak w/ carmelized onions and brie that was so delicious, and BEER. Then we went to the city where we used to go to on dates when we first met... to look for something for some good old American "dessert". Let's just say the Wonder Woman issue has been put to bed (really). Then we went back to the city we live in... and had dessert at our favorite dessert destination (a hotel about three miles from our house, they've got to understand that we have a house full of kids and zero privacy). And then on our way home we stopped for our favorite milkshakes for dessert... I needed chocolate chunks with whipped cream to make the whole evening complete and perfect.

Honestly the best part??? Going home! We are hopeless homebodies, and proud of it. We wanted to get home to our six year old, our dog, our own beds. I think we really like our real life. Our evening was romantic and magical, and I am proud to be able to finally say, that I love to live my life.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Two parties, one funeral, AND A WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!

Who is the world's worst wife? Me. Who has the best husband in the world? Me.

So, in all the whirlwind that is this weekend, I forgot it was our anniversary. In all fairness, I consider the day we met as our anniversary because I knew at that moment. However, in technical terms, October 11th is when we made it legally official.

Mr. Wonderful on the other hand did NOT forget! He is taking me on a tour of firsts tonight. I guess he's been planning this for a long time and I'm so excited! And what makes this especially sweet for me is that I'm now pretty much the girl he married within 10-15 pounds (and he can't tell the difference anyway).

I must go find the sluttiest yet still somewhat classy outfit I can put together out of my wardrobe on short notice. This is so amazing... a life I love to live.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Two weeks ago...

I waited and waited and waited for Chicago to get here... and now it was two weeks ago. I'm trying not to be sad about that.

Luckily, I've been crazy busy which also explains my lack of recent posts. I've been reading blogs when I have five seconds, and commenting when I have two seconds, but there are still some of you I've got things to say to... I haven't forgotten.

Weight was 168 this morning. Still losing. Truly amazing considering all the alcohol I've consumed in the past two weeks... which brings me back to sadness about Chicago being over.

Since I've been home, I've completed my first big project, pitched it to corporate, have been asked to pilot, and then teach company wide. Had a blow out Star Wars party including a Jedi Training Camp for 15 six year olds. Guests from out of town. My oldest children's grandfather died unexpectedly, so I've been helping them deal with their grief. I'll have a house full of out of town guests AGAIN this weekend. Two parties and a funeral this weekend. New projects. Wine... I've finished off what I was able to smuggle into Utah from Chicago. See a theme here about everything going full circle back to Chicago?

In all honesty, that experience has made some very positive changes in me. In some ways, it was closure for me. Closing the door to the part of my life I spent overweight, and opening the doors (with a bang) to everything that being an acceptable weight has to offer me for the rest of my life. It was the beginning of my celebration of the better me.

I'm going to end here because I'm risking an Ambien post (some things will never change)... however I really do think about our Chicago experience all the time. It was honestly something crazy for me to do, but I would do it again without hesitation. So worth it, just like getting my band.