Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Back to Life

Sometimes it is so relieving to be back at work, and doing the daily "thing". I'm one that doesn't always enjoy time off. I do, but I don't. I get very lazy... stay up too late, sleep in too long. And I eat... it's what we "do" for fun. That hasn't changed much, for better or for worse. Today, I was fully back in the swing of things, and it felt really good.

And good news... I think the weight gain alert may have been a false alarm. My non-negotiating scale read my normal high this morning, and if it reads similarly tomorrow, I'm calling it a "no gain". It's funny, I'll take a low weight and own it forever, but not a high weight! No way, no how!

My husband, and daughter, and you guys (gals) have been so supportive about this family situation. I guess my sons fiance posted on her Facebook status that she was "glad to be home and away from psychos". My daughter (who amazes me with her ability to find the good in everyone)- called to let me know that she refrained from responding. If I had responded (which I also would not do)- I would have said, "I know you feel!!!". Sigh.

I'm relieved to have my life back. My schedule is normal, my diet is back to normal, and my home is once again my own.

Monday, November 29, 2010

My Side of the Story

Ack! I think I gained weight! I won't call it a gain until I get two bummer weights in a row... but I think I may have gained a pound. Maybe a pound and a half. And I don't care (that much). Being back to our normal daily routine will get me on track with eating. I'm not thrilled if I put on some weight, but I am happy that I haven't started the "well, f*ck it, I'm just going to give up completely" mentality I used to have. Whew.

I figured out today that I'm not upset by what happened this weekend, I'm just upset by how I handled myself in the situation. Mr W calls me "Mt. Saint Lara", because I keep everything calm for a really long time, but when I blow... watch the hell out. I should have been more up front about the things that were bothering me during the visit, instead of bottling it all up. Here's my laundry list:

The ambien thing really ticked me off, especially because my son was comparing me to his father, who is truly an addict (I've already explained how and why about my meds, so I'll spare a repeat). He stuck to his idiocracy despite knowing how careful I am about everything in my life. If I ever get into a car, or do something life threatening... I will stop taking the medicine. However, I most likely will need it forever (he's calling me "dependent"... no fucking duh, but I will do what I need to within reason to be able to work and have any sort of quality of life). Damn it, he should know me better!!! I should not have to defend this.

And now (drum roll)... moving on to the fiance. THIS IS JUST MY SIDE OF THE STORY. This is completely unfair, because she is not able to defend herself here. I don't like talking about people behind their back, it usually doesn't end well for anyone. But, this is my blog, my therapy... so I'm going to say what I think and feel. May god have mercy on my soul...

This is coming from a crazy woman (so I would know)... but she's a crazy woman (girl). On Thanksgiving, I of course had tons of things going on, and I asked everyone to pick up their stuff in our upstairs family room, so everything could be nice for our dinner. She was very put out that I asked her to pick up her own stuff, and starting huffing and slamming things around. I was a little shocked.

Later in the weekend, her son wet the bed (that happens), but she let it sit until the AFTERNOON when I finally ordered my son to get it cleaned up. She also left poopy underwear in the downstairs guest bathroom (more than once), and again, I had to ask my son to please take care of it because the entire basement was smelling. What is wrong with someone to think living like that is ok, much less while a guest in someone's home?

Plus, she's really mean to my son, I see him doing everything, and her complaining about how he's doing it. She's a yeller, and there is no yelling in our house- it's trashy and not effective anyway. It makes me sad and I wonder what in his life lead him to think that being treated this way is acceptable.

But the straw that broke this camels back, is that she was yelling at my six year old. My husband and I went out Friday and Saturday nights, and my daughter was watching her little brother until we got home (and then she could go out, we pay her a small fortune). Anyway, she asked to speak with me alone on Friday night, because she was really upset about the way my son's fiance was yelling at my youngest son. I took my oldest son aside and asked him what was going on. Blah blah blah. Obviously, I should have spoken with her directly. Well, last night... I was trying to let things go (as I had the entire holiday)... until she yelled at my six year old and made him cry.

Wrong move. Make my kid cry, and it's done. Really done. As in do not treat either of my sons that way, ever again. Needless to say, they left and got a hotel room for the night. And, I did not stop them. I feel horrible, and I know I've alienated my oldest. My husband keeps trying to say things to make it better. But, nothing justifies what I said. I told my son to "f" off. I should never have said that to my child, no matter how right I was (or wasn't). But I was right.

I guess I'm the cliche m-i-l from hell. I never in a million years imagined it would be this way. I've always liked his girlfriends, and we've all gotten along so well. I don't understand this relationship at all. And I want my door to be open to him, because I'm worried that he won't turn to me if he decides he needs someone.

There you have it.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

$h*tF~qD@mit All to Hell

Baggage time. Weekend has ended, my struggles have not ended (with my son and now his fiance), and I really feel like shit inside. I've rationalized, looked for the best, and held my tongue and my peace as long as I could, but I could do it no longer this evening. I wish it were different. It makes me feel horrible about myself and everything. I don't know what I could have done differently.

Scratch all that. Mr. W just lived up to his title. Back history, as "crazy" as my childhood was, is how "normal" his was. But, he just sat me down (seriously, as I was finishing the first paragraph of this post)... and told me about many holidays in his family, that had the same exact arguments and endings. I guess we're just coming to a different dynamic in our lives as grandparents, adult children, grandchildren... all brand new roles.

I'm stress eating right now. Hard. It's a little different now... if something doesn't taste exactly as want it to, I throw it away. And my band get me full after a couple of bites. My brain is still trying, but I'm making emotional and physical progress. I'm recognizing what it is, allowing myself to do it because I know it's not going to end up all that big of a deal, and hopefully tomorrow I'll deal with everything a little better.

Is this just the universes tricky way of making me happy about my vacation time being over and ok with going back to work? Well, it worked. I'd also like to thank the universe for Mr. W, we may not be perfect, but we are perfect for each other. I love that man, and our son, and our life together. Tonight, I am grateful for that.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Jack talk Thai?

Wellllllll, my restriction let up... tonight, just in time to go out for Thai food with my siblings and their spouses. Geez, I kept up with everyone. No problem. What's with this silly band? Maybe it was just the whole that was burned into my stomach from the heat/spice that was letting all the food through. Yum, completely worth every burning mouthful.

Where did this weekend go? Another snow storm coming in tomorrow. I'm trying to be a good Mimi by taking my two grandsons and my six year old to get pictures with Santa tomorrow. This Thanksgiving has been everything I wanted- good company, food, wine, movies, games. My son has become a wonderful adult. I'm proud of the mothering skills my daughter has. The "issues" have been at a minimum. Basically, I'm trying to better understand my daughter in law to be. And, my son is giving me a hard time about taking Ambien. The side effects can be funny, but also dangerous.

If I didn't have my Fibromyalgia, I would consider stopping. But no sleep equals lots of pain, and I don't want my life to come to a grinding halt. I tell my family every night when I've taken my medicine, I go to bed directly (I obviously get out sometimes, hence why I notify everyone), and I only take the prescribed amount. I appreciate his concern, but he's clueless about this disease. Actually, I heard his fiance trying to explain it to him, which was a good thing, because I've been struggling a little bit during this visit. Overhearing her standing up for me was very much appreciated.

The fantasy weekend is almost over (tear rolls down my cheek). And I'm going to have to jump back into my project on Monday (another tear rolls down my cheek). I wish I didn't have so much glittery eyeshadow on right now...

Friday, November 26, 2010

WANTED: Glittery Eyeshadow Every Day

I still don't know what I really want to do with my life, but whatever it is, I am 100% certain it will involve glittery eyeshadow every day.

Yea, so we went to see Burlesque tonight. Writing and acting, not so hot. Makeup, wardrobe, men, and music were burning up the place.

My husband informed me that he gets to pick the next movie we see. I need to keep thinking about day job options that require glitter...

Thursday, November 25, 2010

What I Ate for Thanksgiving

Morning: Coffee and Diet Pepsi

1pm: Zone Bar (tummy wasn't hungry, but I started getting grouchy and a headache)

4pm- 9pm: Turkey & gravy, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, stuffing, roll, three glasses of wine. I couldn't finish my plate (wine really filled me up), and I haven't gotten to the pumpkin and pecan pies with real homemade whipped cream. Maybe for breakfast.

Have I ever told you that I love my band?

THANKSGIVING EDITION- What I Ate (in Pictures)

Most of us have started preparation for todays feast at least yesterday, if not days ago. The thoughts of your menus that you've shared this week were running through my head as I woke up to start some early prep work this morning. My mind of course went to enjoying our own traditional meal, and of course I then thought about if I'm making WAY too much, because I know how little I will personally eat. Previously, if there was a dish that was less popular, no problem! I loved it ALL! I still love it all, but only about a spoonful or two.

Here's the PICTURES part... I would love to see pictures of YOUR Thanksgiving meal, AND I thought it would be funny for some, and helpful for others, if we took pics of our own personal plates and food through this particularly glutonous day to see how LITTLE we actually ate. Ok, I'm doing it... and if anyone else is blogging on Thanksgiving... please join me?


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Just Luck? Or is it Love?

The storm has passed, I'm home with power, not baking until later, and have lots of computer time.

So, I'm reading this article in CNN about a Microsoft executive who quit her job to join the circus. She couldn't stand one more meeting where people got yelled at, which isn't the exact problem I have with the corporate world. This lucky woman quit her job, discovered aerial arts (think Cirque de Soleil), and opened a studio where she has created not only a new creative career for herself, but also a little community of women who share her passion. If I had the guts, I'd quit my job and do something creative. Did she succeed by luck? That's what I need to know. If I saw a way out, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But do you SEE it and do it, or just DO it? She just did it. It's her life, and she did what she loved. I always tell my children to just do what they love. I have a good job, I do not loathe going to work, but is it what I want my life to be about? I have career goals I'm following and succeeding at, but is it passion? No. Do I need luck? No? I don't know!

Of course I'm going to bring this back around to the subject of my band. A friend asked me this week, if maybe I was successful with my band just because of luck? Maybe some people lose weight through WLS and others do not, by factors outside of their control? I'll admit I didn't see that question coming. My gut instinct is, no! I have put in reasonable effort. I've tried to approach this completely differently than any other weight loss I've had, because it would be silly to pursue this in a way I already knew didn't work. By band standards, I was a poor candidate for the lapband because I'm a grazer. I knew this pre-surgically, but felt I could make it work anyway. And I think 130 pounds lost is a band success. And not luck.

Can you guess where I'm going with this now? I lost weight because it's MY life, and I wanted to live it on MY terms. So, how do I do this in other areas of my life, specifically with my career? I've thought about this for a very long time, it's not just a fleeting fantasy. Would I fail if I wasn't lucky? Would it take luck to figure out what I would want to do? This aerial artist quit her job, THEN found her passion. I don't know if I'm confident enough, brave enough, fed up enough, lucky enough?

What does it take? I don't have words to describe how I worked with my band. If I did, I suppose I could write a book, and that could be my creative passion. I feel my band worked because of me, and not some random lucky force. I know everyone has a deep desire to have their bands work for them, so it's not just because I "wanted" it more than any one else. Does it have to do with love? Doing what I love for myself, approaching food in a way I never have before? Can I do what I love in all areas of my life? I had to dig deep inside for my band to work, it was not just external forces. I "want" to do this in a bigger way now. I don't know how, where, what, or when... but I do know why. For passion and love, not luck.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Snowed in!!!

Everyone thinks Utah is all snowy, and it is in the mountains. However, I live in the valley where we do get snow... but not like this! We're getting pounded with the storm that's already hit Washington, Oregon, and Idaho. We went home early, schools and businesses are already closed for tomorrow. It's nuts.

My son and his fiance could not be talked out of their attempt to drive down from Idaho tonight. They figured it would be better to be snowed in here (lots of good free food). I'm terribly nervous for them, but they're only about half an hour from our home now, so fingers crossed.

Fire has been started... we had a snow storm over the weekend that knocked out power all over (not us luckily), but this storm is bringing zero degree temperatures... a bad time to have no heat. So, we'll just keep the fire burning, which is so cozy, and while everything is safe makes the situation kind of magical. (That, and the lit Christmas tree... so much for being all bummed about the holidays...).

If we lose power for long, we'll put all of our perishable food outside in the freezing cold. I hope we can cook on Thanksgiving, and I think we will be fine by then. It's amazing how much in life revolves around food. Even though we loaded up for Thursday, we went and did it AGAIN for the storm. There's just something about the whole scene that doesn't seem right without a bunch of comfort food. And, for once... it does feel right.

Happy Thanksgiving if I don't get another chance before Thursday!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Progress Pics

The four top pictures to the left are of eleven months progress. In that time, I have only lost 30 of my 130 lbs lost. I didn't on purpose take any pictures until I was below 200 lbs. I think these may even be more dramatic than the rogue pictures that were snapped between 299 and 200 lbs. I pretty much just looked fat, fat, or fatter and/or miserable, miserable, or more miserable.

This fireplace progression series of pictures- I think there's evidence of weight loss, but also of happiness. I'm keeping them to the side and at the top, so I can have this visual reminder of my journey. Sometimes I forget so easily the lessons I've learned, and the changes I've made are permanent. I've worked hard to discover the ways that will work for me to keep a realistic weight for the rest of my life. There was no point in losing weight, if I thought there was a chance I'd just regain it all back. I had been there and done that (cough *running* cough)- and I need to rely just on my diet to stay at my weight. Exercise would put me in much smaller sizes (and much lower weight)- but that kind of regimen comes and goes depending on schedule, weather, illness- too many variables to include it as a staple in my long term success plan.

I really love how my band has been a tool in re-educating my brain to create a much healthier relationship with food. I'm not a health nut, but I also don't abuse food, or have a weird relationship with it. I don't ever remember being hungry pre-band. Ever. I ate way too much for that to happen. Now, I eat when I'm hungry (which can take a while as any sweetspot bandster can tell you)- but it's a real tummy rumbling, true hunger- something I hadn't felt for a very long time. I eat what I love, because I can keep doing that forever. I don't fight my natural eating rhthyms- I eat most of my calories at night. I don't have the emotional energy to fight myself or my body.

Coming to peace with food is the best gift I've ever been given. I didn't realize that would happen when I first got my band. I grieved for food so badly my first month after surgery. GRIEVED. Then, I was afraid of what I might still be able to do to myself, even with the band. That's where I was when the first of these pictures was taken. Now, I'm at a place where if I eat alot because the situation presents itself, I know it's a normal situation. If I were to gain a little, I know I can lose a little. I've maintained now really since spring, minust a few pounds.

I think about running, or hcg, or other methods to get down to like 150 lbs and a size 8, and maybe one day I'll do that. Today's not that day. If I were to stay where I am for the rest of my life, the majority of days I will honestly say that is perfectly fine with me. And, if I keep my eyes on these pictures, I can see on my body and face the story of the lessons I've learned, and keep them in my brain, heart and life forever.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

"Happy Events Will Take Place Shortly In Your Home"

"Happy Events Will Take Place Shortly In Your Home"... said my fortune cookie. And since I'm so mature, I skipped adding "in bed". Please tell me we're not the only people who do that? Anyway, I'm a believer in fortune cookie karma, so I'm taking it as a sign. I went shopping today and bought everything needed for our traditional Thanksgiving. I'm passing on going to any extended family events, however my son and his fiance and son will be with us through next Monday, and we're planning on a very relaxed time. I can handle that, it might even be fun.

Lots of good things are happening. Thank you for not making me feel like a holiday hater, and for your sincere and thoughtful comments. I was really relieved to see that women I have the utmost respect for also had similar feelings. Not that I want anyone to be sad, but there is comfort in knowing I'm not alone.

Our son starts his new school on Monday- and since it's an off time of the year... I was able to get uniforms dirt cheap. His shirts cost me $1.98 a piece. A good buy like that does wonders to bring me cheer (sad but true!).

I didn't freak out at work this week about a big project that's getting crazy. Does anyone else have "Friday Fires" at their job? I always seem to get something imperative on Friday afternoons, so much so that I've given the phenomenon a name. There was a big hurdle we discovered yesterday afternoon, and I honestly thought to myself that all I can do is my part, and I didn't let it make me sick. I hope I can keep remembering to do that! But, it's only a three day work week coming up, so I'll just keep my eyes on the prize...

And... total fun... I get to go for appetizers and wine on Monday night with my new lapband friend from work. She reads lots about relationships with food, and I'm excited for her to share what she's learned. I hope she's not self concious about food around me, because I've had other friends be that way, and I'm the last person who will criticize what someone eats. We were hooked up my the bariatric nurse at our insurance company, and I was billed as a "success"... however you want to define that. Sometimes I feel like one (because I want to enjoy my chubbiness), but mostly I just feel like the same girl I've always been on the inside. I have nothing profound to share with anyone about weight loss, but I have been there and I can be an open ear and heart while she figures out her own journey. I'm happy to be there if that will be helpful for her.

The "what I eat" posts have been great! That's the kind of reading I like! Here's "what I ate" today:

iced coffee (300 calories)
french bread and olive oil (ripped off the bread, didn't measure the oo)
half a grilled New York strip
peanut butter (yes on a spoon, this is a new thing for me, don't know why)
diet pepsi (lots)
devoid of fruits and veggies (but I swear I'm a healthier eater during the week)

Tomorrow we're going to a fundraiser for our friends son who was diagnosed about a month ago with terminal cancer. So so sad. I agree with "time heals all wounds", but until you've been through it, it doesn't seem possible. The wounds feel fresh for a very long time. We'll do our best to be supportive, even if just by money.

But, I am in a much better place than I was. Hopefully I'll stay here for awhile. Thanks for your insight and wisdom, life is better with friends who understand... about everything.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Swelling is my frenemy and other dark confessions

Sometimes, I want my band to squeeze tight. Really tight. Even though I complain, I really do like it. It feels good to have that physical control, and two plus weeks every month, I can count on swelling to make my band a vice. Water weight is not my favorite thing to see on the scale, but at the same time, I know what it is, and am happy about the restriction that comes along with the swelling. Which I've established that I like? Yes. Today though, my band is the tightest it has ever, EVER been. And I'm hungry. And THIRSTY. I'm a year and a half out, and this has never happened to me. If I didn't want to slam down some hydration right now, my sadistic side would be loving this.

This is a dark time of the year for me. It's already starting, and I'm trying to fight it. I'm finding myself struggling with the holidays already. Thanksgiving is usually my favorite holiday, and usually I make a huge deal of it. Always at my house, so that I can have everything exactly the way I like it. This year, I'm not doing it. I've purposely not invited anyone, and have avoided invitations. Why am I doing this? I shouldn't do this, because I need my six year old to have great childhood memories. Don't even mention the "C" word. It feels like a bill to me, and that's about it. I used to make a big deal about it, too. And even though I've previously held onto enjoying Thanksgiving, I do not like Christmas. We put up our tree, blah blah blah, but I'm finding myself slipping into that dark place. When I first started blogging, I would have skipped posting before admitting this.

My final dark confession of the evening. If I'm so ok with where my weight is, why do I think about diets still? I've seen specials around for medically supervised hcg injection series for $120. Even though I KNOW better than quick weight loss, and I'm against losing weight I'll gain back if I don't put in continuous effort- I've been researching this. What a great "C" word gift to myself? It's so cheap! It will get rid of my bad fat! I would be in the normal weight range! It would be so completely easy for me to follow the diet!

Am I a frenemy to myself?

Monday, November 15, 2010

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Not tonight honey, I have a headache

I have pictures, I honestly do. I'll post tomorrow night because I am too lazy to leave my bed to download pics onto our office computer. Amey looks great in the ones from Friday night. I think I look like sheet. Really, seriously not happy with how I look in photos. They just don't match with whatever it is I've got going on in my brain.

Feeling kinda cruddy today, I'm too old to stay up all night drinking. It knocks me on my ass. But, it was fun, and I'm learning lots about Mr. Wonderful that I guess he "forgot" about. Good times!!! I just don't know how people my age can do this all the time. Thank god we aren't doing this again until New Years.

Not in the mood for work tomorrow. Not in the mood for much, obviously! ;(

Saturday, November 13, 2010


That's tonight.

But I want to tell you about last night, and my dinner with Amey from Idaho. Honestly, I think Chicago will last forever. It was so fun to spend time with a BOOB... and she is so beautiful and minus a noticable amount of weight since September! She and her husband are a darling couple and seem so happy and good to each other. Amey has a cute as a button 13 yr old son who, sweet thing, had just had two teeth pulled (on top of wearing a cast from a broken wrist from a month ago) and what a trooper he was at dinner. We talked about everything, but the best part is the stuff we don't have to say, the "understood" band stuff, but we still talked about that, too! Amey is ready to start getting ready for the next BOOBS trip... NOW. I'm in agreement, there is just nothing like it.

And Thursday... I was able to meet up with my new band friend... who works in my building. I can not even believe there is a BOOB candidate that close! She has had no support, and I was a little hesitant about telling someone at work about my personal blog, but I got over myself and encouraged her to check out our BOOB community. I explained to her that the support here is like none other. She has NOT seen even one band success, and her experience here with the support groups being a little negative, is the same as mine. That's exactly why I started looking for online support. And now, we all physically have each others support... for which I am so grateful. It's a huge part of whatever success I've had with my band. Every bandster deserves that.

I will post pictures of my dinner with Amey. But, that brings me to BOOZE. We are getting together tonight with the group of guys (and their wives, I don't know how such nerds ended up with such fine women!). If it's anything like our party a couple of weeks ago, well... there will be lots of wine, etc. I've got a bottle (and a half) of Moscato chilling. Also, I will take pictures of my slutty outfit I plan on wearing tonight. I will also post pictures of it! I'm trying to enjoy ALL aspects of this weight loss. The shopping, the socializing... and now I want to get normal about pictures. Maybe even MORE than normal, hmmmm?

Cheers, and I'll post pictures tomorrow (afternoon). ;)

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


Don't be jealous, but I get to have dinner with a real live BOOB on Friday!!!
My closest BOOB neighbor Amy from Idaho will be in Utah and she is going to make a stop in Salt Lake City to visit. My link function has never worked, but I'll try again...

If that doesn't work, cut and paste (old school baby!):
I.will.take.my.camera! I.will.take.pictures! It.will.not.kill.me! It might even be fun...

Not that I EVER get to meet other bandsters, but tomorrow I'm also having lunch with one. What's up in the universe? The nurse I used to work with who manages the bariatric patients for our insurance company, asked me if I would be willing to talk with another lapband patient... who get THIS... works in my exact building. I must have walked past her office ten times just last week. I never get to see any bandsters... and now TWO in two days! Very awesome.

It's been a decent week. I'm keeping up with my current project (sometimes I worry). I'm so happy it's Thursday tomorrow. My biggest thing going on this week has been my sons private kindergarten. Please be a good friend and act shocked and appalled by this: We got a letter on Monday saying that if a child got on red three times in one week, they would be suspended. Not three times in a row, just after three times. Just GETTING on red, not even staying on red. KINDERGARTNERS SUSPENDED FOR GETTING ON RED? What does red entail? Weapons? Drugs? Violence? NO. Red criteria is (directly off of the daily update report): difficulty following directions, unable to keep hands and feet to self, bad language (potty words like poop, or body parts), disruptive in class. This class has nine students, and the teacher is so overwhelmed that she is going to suspend kindergartners??? Yes, we've had meetings, letters, I've gone into the class, spoken with other parents... and the administration as of Monday was still backing the teacher (after they told me differently face to face). Private school? Really? So, anyway... we've been objecting to this and it's been work. In the meantime, my husband came accross this amazing K-12 that is RIGHT across the street from the hospital I work at. Our son will be the fifth student in the class. I've seen this school lots of times, but for whatever reason it never clicked in my brain. We met with them yesterday and they are very happy to have him. It's.a.little.more.expensive... but I love the idea that he will be so close to us during the day. It will be easy to spend time in his class, and have lunch with him whenever, and why didn't we think of this before? My husband wrote him an illustrated story about a dinosaur (our son's name spelled backwards), and his dino story about his old school, being on yellow, and starting a new school and making more friends and being close to his mom and dad. Our six year old is now excited. I thought for sure there would be tears, but nope. Ok. Enough of our drama. I didn't even break this up for ease of reading. It was really just for me. But, I won't be offended if you tell me how awful their policy is, and private school should not be that way, and wow what great parents we are for finding such a fabulous school and trying so hard to make this transition as healthy and happy as possible. Thanks, I appreciate that.

Time to take my medicine and go to bed. Goodnight!

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Waking up in a pile of Life

That's how I started my Saturday morning. I stumbled into the bathroom, went to pull up my pj's, and noticed the floor around covered in cereal. I crunched back to bed only to find my sheets full of crushed Life, and wondered if even one piece of cereal had made it into my mouth. I think not. It goes without saying what this was cause by. Don't do drugs, even if they are prescribed for you, and you are using them appropriately. They make you do crazy things. I even sent a work "z" mail this week! Lets just say awkward, and leave it at that.

The day got better. It was a salon day. Afternoon. And I cheated. I cheated on my hairstylist that I've been seening faithfully since 2006. But, I really wanted to see what it would be like with someone else. And I've been going to this new salon for nails, waxing, massages, that... I wanted to get my hair done there, too. And... it was awesome! I won't be able to tell if we'll keep carrying on this relationship, until Monday when I do my hair by myself. But this might work. I may need to think of a good break up story. I'm usually just big into the truth (lies don't tend to be any better than the truth, so I just say what's going on). But, I never been an unfaithful hair whore before.

I'm off to finish reading some blogs, and to put some plastic over my sheets to protect them from the crumbs, or put a lock on the cereal, or tape over my mouth, or glue my Ambien bottle closed tight. Good night...

Thursday, November 4, 2010


New low. Looks like the booze, chips and candy are paying off. Seriously, this is why I love my band. Even when I lose my mind (which next to never happens... sarcasm...)... I can lose weight. I wasn't very optimistic about getting to my goal weight of 159, which would make me not overweight. However, I'm reading blogs of people who have been banded for years, who continue(d) to lose weight. If it happens, great. And it might. If I don't lose any more weight, I'm truly content where I am. But, if I've not made it clear... my dieting days are over. Thanks also to the bloggers out there who have been passionate in defending the band and providing education on the success rate of diets (wow, 2%... diets work for me... to get fat).

I still don't know why I don't run. I think in my head, I associate it with trying to lose weight. And obsessing... faster, further, more challenging hills... and even though I get great endorphin rushes... I don't know. Maybe I'm afraid to actually be thin? Maybe I associate thin with all the diet crap? Maybe skinny wasn't my goal this time? Just "normal"? But maybe I still buy into a girl can never be too rich or too thin? Yeah, I really have lost my mind.

This brings me to pictures. I still avoid them. Being in them. Reading blogs this week, I have loved seeing everyone in their Halloween costumes. It's fun seeing friends able to enjoy holidays, sexy costumes, LIFE. I know I enjoyed being social and going to parties this year (the first time in a loooooooong time) and wearing a sexy costume. My husband and I were Romans. He was a (HOT) Roman soldier, and I was a Roman goddess. We got to wear our costumes to two parties. I felt good about how I looked, and I thought about taking pictures. But each time decided NOT to... because I'm not sure how I'm going to look in pictures. Same reason I avoid vlogging. This is what happened to me in Chicago. Camera in hand, but too afraid, because I can't get an accurate perspective of my size in my head. I want to like pictures.

So... I'm happy about 167. But still nuts. The band can't fix that. :)