Thursday, May 26, 2011

Dream job called

Got home Sunday afternoon- flying is so much easier on me now that I've lost weight. Good thing, because my dream job called- and I'm that much closer to flying all the time.

On my way into work on Monday, I called the HR/recruiter person AGAIN. Holy hell, they answered the phone! The guy called me back (well, actually they ditched me again- but I called him- HA HA)- and honestly it was a little bit awkward. He thought I was DOA because of my education level. But, an hour later, HE CALLED ME. One of the VP's was "really interested".

This afternoon I got a call from someone NOT in HR/recruiting, telling me how sorry she was that she was getting back to me so late but that she herself had just seen my resume, and they were "really interested" and she didn't want me to think that they weren't. She said those exact words. She was in an airport catching a flight, and she's going to call me tomorrow for a phone interview and basically to set up a time to meet. I think she WILL actually call me.

I'm excited to talk with someone who will be excited (and UNDERSTAND) what I do! Usually people's eyes just gloss over with overwhelming boredom- but I love what I do and this little niche, and I think this conversation will NOT be awkward, and I'm looking forward to it. I just want to get to it!

So, I may be flying back out to my parents. Things are still good.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Anger & Beauty

My grandmother looked absolutely beautiful today (technically yesterday, it's Sunday morning where I am, and the world appears to still be here). My grandma looked truly beautiful this last time that I was able to see her. I have to say that my mom and I picked a lovely dress for her, and she had on her pearl necklace and earrings. The funeral home did her hair and make-up so well... she looked natural and peaceful and pretty.

There was no end of the world blow up, at least in my family. I leave in four hours, and I've been at home for seven entire days with no one fighting. I've seen my sister upset, but not over anything new, not on this particular trip anyway. I'm terrified to let my guard down with my mom, but even after my extremely upset and angry blog last night, there's still a part of me that wants to believe that my mom is capable of unconditional love and that things have improved.

I don't know if there's been closure and resolution. On some things I think there have been, but I'm still processing. My mom and dad keep trying- they spend lots of money on travel for all of us to see them, and to see each other. I want to just give them a break, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to make myself that vulnerable. If that makes sense.

The service for my grandma was as beautiful as she was. It was held outdoors at a little church in the country that was built in the 1740's. The weather could not have been more perfect- seventy degrees and sunny. She is now buried with three of her four children. I felt like the words that were spoken were a beautiful tribute and captured who she really was, minus all of the emotional burdens she carried. It wasn't so much about not saying bad things, but forgiving and understanding that those were not who she was, but something she sadly carried.

I'd like nothing more than to believe that my mom is doing the best that she can with the baggage she carries. Even though I understand that it's "not me"... it's difficult when it hurts me... and it also takes a physical toll on me that I can't really afford to pay. I want to just get over it, let it go, forgive & forget... if only it were that easy.

For this very moment, beauty has overcome anger.

Friday, May 20, 2011

If I go to hell... (& Ambien alert)

If I go to hell, it will not be for drinking, kinky sex, little white lies, or not going to church. It will be because I stood in the bathroom of a very swank Italian restaurant throwing up a beautiful meal, which I intententionally paid for the ability to do, while listening to Frank Sinatra croon and thinking about the millions of people in the world at that very second, who were without any food at all, and literally starving to death.

Turns out my mothers unconditional love is really misdirected anger. I've purposefully been out of the loop for almost seven years, and I would have thought that lessons as parents would be learned, and dealing with children would be accomplished with a whole new level of experience and understanding. Guess not. Just new people to direct it all at. I'm torn- thrilled it's not me, sad to see the tears on my beautiful sisters who do not understand 1) where it comes from, or 2) how to make it stop. I've been lucky, this time, this trip. But it's not over yet. The funeral is tomorrow, and that will be the most volitile time if I had to take a guess.

Probably why the end of the world will be tomorrow- it's going to start with my family. I honestly hope SOMETHING happens to end this precisely and finally! Bring it! We'd all be grateful! I would miss my dear husband and son so much, but I believe in a very spiritual and loving supreme being, and the three of us in our little family are good people who really love each other, and a loving God would be certain that we are able to be with each other. If it's any other kind of supreme being, then I'm not interested. Come hell what may. I already know a very real hell. I am more prepared than most religious zealouts, I've been there and know how to act.

Fucked up. But my mom looked really pretty tonight. She's gotten so small (frail?) on the Ideal Protein program. She wants my husband and I to come start up a center for her- which has worked wonders to bring her back to being a tiny little woman. And with her hair and make up tonight, she looked like the beautiful put together woman I barely remember as a mother. She looked young and pretty. Heartbreaking, because it lends to the credibility that things are better- but they aren't. I thought with her mother passing, that's why she was being so accepting of me. No, not really. I just have siblings that are deflecting the heat their way for varied reasons. I feel so much sympathy and empathy. I have words of advice, but they are hollow for now.

Tomorrow is the funeral and the real test. If hell is close, it will show itself tomorrow. I know where I'm at risk- my apathy for worldwide situations. For others, maybe hell will be close for the torment through which they put the people who were counting on them for love and nurturing care. I've always felt there were going to be some reather shocking surprises at the end.

In case I don't get another chance- good luck tomorrow. Hopefully we can all blog on Sunday morning!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


I am touched by so much sentiment... I appreciate all of the loving support. This whole experience has been healing for me. The night my grandmother passed away was a very long one. When I could get her comfortably medicated, everything was peaceful... but there were moments when I prayed for an angel of mercy. I'm used to working in a (usually) very controlled environment (the OR), and without suction and relying on atropine drops... well, I felt helpless, and I couldn't fathom how it was anything less than torturous for her. Luckily, the majority of the time she seemed very comfortable. I really wanted her to feel no discomfort or pain at all.

It was relieving to see her one last time. Coming home after almost seven years away has been surprisingly therapeutic. I've been able to connect with new friends and re-connect with many old friends. I have had the opportunity to spend alot of time with my best friend from high school- we can go long periods of time when we're just "busy"- but we always pick up exactly where we left off. Plus, I think she actually enjoys hearing about the drama that is my crazy family.

I was also able to see my oldest and best childhood friend, the boy (man?) who my mom stumbled upon on facebook, that I've written about fairly recently. I thought I would be leaving today, but I'm staying until Sunday so I can be here for the funeral. So, I tried to cram everything into two days... keeping that in mind, my sweet childhood friend drove to see me after work on Tuesday evening (last night?!?). He brought his mom along, too- and it was comforting to go back and talk about such good times. It was a time warp! A fabulous one. I told him we'd have to get our families together this summer so he and my husband can commiserate about how mean I am... ;)

Tomorrow I get to meet the godmother I've only seen in pictures. And on Thursday, I get to see my aunt whom I've not seen since I was a teenager. I know death is a time of gathering, but I'm a fairly non-social person, and this has been overwhelming- way more than I'm used to. My mom is being unusually real, and I've felt like I could be my true self around her, and that she is accepting me- I've honestly enjoyed all of our time together. I've even been able to have some girl bonding with my 18 year old sister, whom I've never really gotten to know well- I was long gone by the time she was born- in fact she and my daughter were born only 10 days apart. She unexpectedly stayed up to help me keep late night vigil over our grandmother and we were able to connect and communicate on a very deep level. Everything is coming around so full circle, I'd think I'm about to die or something.

You know what's funny? One of the first things I thought when my grandma passed away is- "wow, my grandma died- I can eat anything I want today". I used to find that excuse EVERY day. I still do eat whatever I want- but it's been made especially worse by being back in my home town and trying to quickly eat my way through all of my indiginous food favorites. It's all been good up until my crab chip (thin potatoe chips with old bay seasoning) dinner this evening- now I do feel gross! I bought them in the store this afternoon and told my mother "yes, I plan on eating chips for dinner tonight"- wow, it's great to be in my forties... :)

Despite all this goodness, my body has had it today. My fibromyalgia is flaring today- at points I hurt so badly I wanted to cry. I've spent the majority of the day in bed. I'm a little embarrassed to have this happen at my parents house. There's always been an intense need I've had to be completely strong and compitent in front of my parents. This disease definitely makes me vulnerable. But so far, being this exposed has not proven detrimental.

I'm using up my cosmic share of talking people's ears off (or writting their eyes out?)- so I'm done. Thank you for all of the sweet comments, everyone has been so wonderful.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

May 17th 2011

This morning my grandmother passed away in her sleep... and death was a welcome visitor.There's still so uch to procees...

Monday, May 16, 2011

Night Shift

First of all, I had the most lovely dinner with Read tonight. She is an angel to put up with me this evening. With the pending death of my grandma, my mind is all over the place, and I'm evaluating so much- and she kindly let me rant. I really appreciated that. Plus, it was so nice to get to know her better, and she even gave me a ride in her kick-a convertable. My camera was in my purse, but guess what- no pictures! True to form. Sigh. At least I have great memories...

When I returned home from dinner, my grandmother wasn't doing so well. I'm a nurse, but I've always done pediatrics, and am relatively clueless when it comes to this kind of dying. She's not been lucid since last Friday, she's in this perpetual "sleep" state... however she does moan when her morphine wears off- and that I understand. So I'm staying awake tonight to keep up with her dosing frequency. My mom has been so attentive to her mom, but I don't think she completely gets the importance of staying on top of pain. I don't want her to suffer, not even for a second.

So here's something I don't get... how does someone continue to live in an almost complete state of unconsciousness, and wanting to die... but still breathes and lives for days? I want to die fast. Even making sure she's well medicated, I know she's miserable. It seems so wrong.

This sounds horribly shallow (I suppose that's just how I am)- but I spoke with my daughter this evening and told her I would haunt her if she ever let me be in this state- and didn't make sure that I had no facial hair. Seriously, if she let me have a moustache and beard- I'd be mortified. She either needs to make sure someone comes in regularly to wax me, or make sure I'm dead. I prefer the dead part. Honestly. BTW, my grandmother does NOT have facial hair, I'm just worried for my hairy self- I do get strays, and if they accumulated... well, not pretty.

Since I've been home (all of 24 hours)- I've already had the opportunity to hit up some of my favorite Maryland foods. Popeye's chicken for starters- I should have been grossed out- but I wasn't. I was able to have a little bit of blue crab while at dinner with Read tonight- YUM. My mom wants to get pastries at the pastry shop on Main Street that is owned and ran by real Germans. Crack. Good thing I'm only here for a few days- I don't know how I ever stayed thin in this town. Thank heaven for my band.

There's so much more that's going on, but this is enough for now. Things are going well enough- this trip was necessary for me, and I'm getting lots of good closure. I hope my grandma gets the same soon and finds the peace she deserves.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Flying to Maryland today

It's Sunday afternoon, and I'm catching a flight in a few hours to head home. I'm going with my heart instead of my head- I want to spend some time with my grandma while she's still alive.

If any Maryland/Pennsylvania girls want to get together in Westminster for dinner some evening, let me know.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Stuck in time & I am an END GIRL!!!

My blog freezes... I'm not techy enough to know why or how to fix the problem. Other than that, everything is good. No news is good news. All of the back to back family activities ended painlessly. We had a group family picture session for my husbands side of the family... and NSV... I was an END GIRL! For those of you who have not been subjected to large family portraits, they put the smaller people on the ends. Granted it was a matter of perspective that I was smaller, and I'm aware that I'm still a chubber- but I left the session feeling amazing about not having to be hidden in the middle.

Progress with the dream job is slow, but still moving forward. Why are large corporations like this? They call me, and then are in no hurry. I'm not in a rush per se, but I am the kind of person who likes to jump in and get the ball moving. Anyway, I've been a lot less conservative in my work attire since I've lost weight. I want to have fun with clothes and shopping! But, I think I need to go back to very conservative. I'm having a difficult time finding a suit cut that I like. Actually and surprisingly, I've found slacks that I like quite easily, but blazers have been more of a challenge. Probably because of the time of the year, too. Anyway, any tips would be appreciated.

Weight is... steady. I am so so so grateful. And it is very convenient to be the same size on the top and bottom. Who gets that? I do! Size 12 makes me happy. Not obese, I can eat and drink, but maintain a weight that doesn't look sloppy. Well, I guess I can still pull off sloppy, but I can also fix up ok if I want to...

My grandma went home to hospice at my parents house. Still trying to figure out when I'll be in Maryland. I'm horrible, but I'm trying to coordinate interviews before she passes away. Hopefully I won't regret that. My boss told me to get out of my head and go with my heart. You all know what a challenge that is for me. But, I also feel like I'll know when the time is right. If I have to make a choice, I think I want to see her while she's still alive. I'm her oldest grandchild, and she and I spent so much time together. This is tearing me up inside.

I'm going to end here, and see if my blog is unfrozen and if I can catch up on some blog reading. Have a great weekend- I plan on it. I'm going to lay out in my yellow polka dot bikini and drink cold moscato while I supervise the lawn work. Tell me it doesn't get any better than that? I whine alot, but I've got it pretty good.