Sunday, February 28, 2010

What's grosser than gross?

Fifty chicken McNuggets for $9.99. What's grosser than that? Odering two of them. So, after the embarrassment of confessing that I am part of the problem of obesity in America for partaking in such a heinous offer... I am happy to report... that it took me all day... to get down seven of them. Sorry Shrinking Mommy, but Babette (my band) is TIGHT. I'm one of those horribly annoying people! Hooray!

But, I had my happiness knocked out of me by the USA vs CANADA game. I love it when it's so close at the end like that. Unless we lose. I'm going to go load up on Ambien now and go to bed. There's now no reason for me to stay awake today. Kidding. Not.

Tomorrow is a big day at work for me, so I honestly need to go to bed early. I have lightly mentioned that things have been KICK ASS at work, in a good way. I'm working on a project right now that is getting me noticed at the highest levels. While I'm very type A, and love to do a great job for the sake of doing a great job (I'm a huge fan of intrinsic satisfaction, and only competing with myself, etc)- it still feels fabulous when a little peon like me can make a big difference. I've been very careful (and lucky) in my career choices, and have a very unique skill set, and hope to continue to fine tune myself into an invaluable asset worth lots of money. That's all. Not more than that. ;)

Back to food... my lunch is packed for tomorrow. Lots of protein- including four chicken McNuggets, wish me luck! Don't hate me because I have restriction. For now. I'm going to enjoy this while it lasts!!!

Saturday, February 27, 2010

I have created a monster.

We decided to just hang out at home last night. Mr. W was feeling a little tired and after the end of the week we had, so was I. I figured I would take it all the way, and not even cook, so leftovers it was. Now, I like many things done in a certain way (aka "my way" or "the right way")... including COVERING ALL ITEMS THAT GO IN THE MICROWAVE. Can anyone visualize LASAGNA, heated up for several minutes, UNCOVERED, and what the inside of a microwave oven looks like after such an episode? I have a feeling many of you can. Not only do I like things done a certain way, I also am very direct in expressing my thoughts and feelings. Mr. W calls it something else, that rhymes with "w"itching (of course he says that with all the love in his heart). So, I began expressing my thoughts, when he looks at me... flashes me this wicked... boyish... grin... and says... "You're lucky I'm even alive!". Then he starts laughing. He couldn't WAIT to say that! He must have had that planned the entire day! Ah ha ha ha. SO funny. And, that is why I love him so.

So, on a more serious note. Stress eating. Sugar. I did it last night. No coping mechanisms in sight. I am really stressed over a stepchild situation. I feel very powerless, and none of my best strategies have been successful. I can try and conquer my baggage, but unfortunately I can't do it for other people. And sometimes fixing me is just not enough. Said stepchild is returning to his mother's home during spring break (two more weeks), and I feel awful, but I'm so incredible relieved. I've really tried to act like nothing was wrong. The whole scenario where there's an elephant in the room, but everyone acts as if they don't see it? That is torture to me. And, it makes me cope in very subconscious ways. Last night, after not being able to address yet another problem directly... I hit up the last of some frosted mini wheats. Because it was just the fine, grainy stuff... the sugar at the bottom? Got a spoon... and started shoveling. Didn't even realize what I was doing until AFTER the fact. I don't think I'll gain weight from this indiscretion, but the whole thing worries me. I still don't have stress/emotional eating worked out. Sometimes it appears I don't even know it's happening. And I also realized what a comfort calorie counting is to me. If I had been able to measure what I was doing, I don't think I would have been nearly as worried about the incident. I am still learning so much about myself. Hard work!

Well, I'm off to spend time with ALL of my monsters. Mr. W and I plan to continue in our just hang out mode. I hope that means pj's ALL DAY! My littlest monster (yes, the five year old) wants the computer. He's got stuff to do! So, I'm out of here. Happy weekend...

Thursday, February 25, 2010

How to scare the shit out of your wife who is a nurse

Step 1-
Be visibly sick with sweating and nausea. Stay in the bathroom and answer all questions with a fair amount of distress in your voice. Lay in bed with the light ON and a frightened look on your face.
Step 2-
Let your wife go to bed, telling her you are fine.
Step 3-
Tell her the NEXT MORNING that you were having chest and left arm pain preceding, and during, said diaphoresis and nausea.
Step 4-
Drive to the ED instead of to work.
Step 5-
Aspirin, EKG, labs, iv fluids, stress test. Wait. Wait. Wait.
Step 6-
Find out that functionally, everything is fine. If symptoms return, anatomical studies will be necessary. Cholesterol and triglycerides off the charts. Aspirin, statins, and prevacid prescribed.
Step 7-
Follow up w/ PCP scheduled.
Step 8-
Continue cleaned up diet and exercise regime initiated one week ago.
Step 9-
Make pact with spouse that you will ALWAYS tell her EVERYTHING that is going on when you are sick.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

A Grazer's Guide to Weight Loss

Barbara (I'm doing it for ME) posted a terrifc blog on grazing. I AM A GRAZER. I started it as a weight loss tool. Remember the small meals concept? Well, I don't think that's the "problem". I think the real issue is SNACKING. Carbs in particular. When I'm pms-ing or facing something I'd rather not deal with... I graze. Lots. I pay almost no attention to the food, it's a mechanical act of hand to mouth. To the point where I'm full and sick and I'm not even enjoying the taste and it's not even fun at all. There is hardly ever any relief by doing this, but I've done it to the point of 300 pounds.

Here is a shamelessly plagerized excerpt from Barbara's blog: Grazing and Loss of Control (LOC) Related to Eating that was published in Obesity Journal in 2007:

"Grazing was common before and after surgery. All but two (5.9%) preoperative grazers continued this eating pattern after LAGB. Although not statistically significant, grazing prevalence was 31% higher after surgery compared to baseline. Not only does gastric restriction permit the repeated intake of smaller amounts of food, it may facilitate this eating pattern. Furthermore, both preoperative and postoperative grazing independently predicted poorer postsurgical weight loss."

Translation? Many women are grazers. Having the band increases grazing behavior (small stomach = eating more times during the day). Grazers lose less weight. Barbara made the observation that this means we need BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION for our bands to be effective tools for weight loss. We have to DO something. Oh, shit. Breathe... slowly...

First off, if you are mindfully eating during the day, I don't think it should count as grazing. I think emotional eating is what is dangerous. So, dealing with my own emotional eating? What am I willing to DO to help this process? What WON'T I do? Well, I won't eat three meals. I eat about seven times during the day. Daytime food is planned out as posted almost every day in my blog, with an emphasis on protein. Nights and weekends are a rough approximation of calories. Remember my spontaneous goal for the year? I'm trying to go with my natural tendencies. I only eat when I'm hungry, but during the work week especially, that is usually at fairly predictable times. I also won't stop eating food for pleasure. Every night, I have some sort of real treat before bed. Candy, ice cream, frozen lime bar, swiss cake roll... just one thing... never more than 150 calories... and I enjoy the hell out of it.

What BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION am I willing to do?

1)Keep track of what I'm eating. Not to be obsessive, but to be informed. My food choices are now informed decisions. Not always "good" decisions, but they are always conscious choices.

2)I am willing to make myself eat protein when I know I am feeling snacky or want to eat for emotional reasons. Usually I go to tuna. It is difficult for me to get down, and it sits forever. That way, I can either not start the hand/mouth cycle, or at worst I will be limiting the amount of calorie damage that could possibly ensue.

3)I have stopped eating my kids leftovers. I am not a dog! And, we are extremely fortunate to live in a society where food is overly abundant... there is no need to eat what someone else does not even want... their GARBAGE!

4)I plan carefully so that I don't get too hungry, ever. That's a set up for failure. For example, I eat something before my ride home after work at night, because I think for most of us, pre-dinner grazing because you are famished, has been problematic. I do my part to prevent this from happening.

Depending on what discipline you approach this from, I think there is some "nature vs nurture" (environment) going on here. I propose that grazing may be as natural to our bodies as is food (carbohydrates in particular) being pleasurable to our brains- for survival! It's served us well for thousands of years. I can just imagine all the women before us eating their kids leftovers... because that's all they were going to get! Also in the vein of nature... I once had a (THIN) boss whom I really liked. One contention that she held was that losing weight was merely a matter of calorie control. Her argument was that there were no fat people in the concentration camps during WWII. Now, I don't know if that's a true statement. But, even if there weren't any overweight people at the end of that ordeal... some survived starvation when others died under the exact same circumstatnces! No wonder we have urges to graze and our brains are wired to release endorphins when we eat certain foods (carbs).

But, we are not just products of nature. We have the ability to override this to some extent, hence the idea of behavior modification. Like at work, there are certain things that the computer is programmed to do, but I can go in and override to completely reverse the outcome. Part of my "override" for weight loss success is my behavior modification list above. Having the band is another! It's more than possible for me to be FULL with 100-200 calories. Even with sliders- ie CARBOHYDRATES- I'm now limited in the damage I can do. Sure, I can eat around my band, but at least I have a physical reminder to stop or at least slow down.

My head hurts from this, so I'll stop here. I'm not sure if my ramblings here will make sense to anyone. However, I appreciate your indulgence as I try to figure this all out. I believe my conclusions are these: I am a grazer. I'm not going to fight it, but work with it. I don't think the band leads to negative grazing, ie emotional eating, although it does lend itself to needing to eat more frequently. I think that can actually help to lose weight as part of satiaty efforts- if you're not ravenously hungry, you are apt to make better food choices. And, despite the conclusion in this article that grazers lose less weight... there are plenty of other studies that show the efficacy of the band (and the grazers are included in these studies by default). There are even some five year studies that are showing that the long term weight loss of bandsters is equal to (and sometimes even better than) gastric bypass patients. The moral of the story? Studies suck. The end.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Editing Disclaimer and a great deal...

eCstatic, I was eCstatic. I'm embarrassed, unfortunately not sorry, about all the spelling and grammar errors I end up posting. So they'll probably continue. But, just FYI, I do usually catch them once it's too late. I refuse to do anything about it once I publish (hence why I don't think I'm really sorry). If you'll just assume I'm not a complete moron, I promise I will return the favor and read blogs with a gentle eye as well. Deal?

Monday, February 22, 2010

Fatism ALERT!

Consider yourself forewarned! So, Oprah (aka Amy W) had a great post about whether our blogs feed our obsession (pun intended) with our weight. Um. Yes. I've been pondering how messed up my brain really is when it comes to weight issues. Example? Sure. This weekend while clothes shopping (hello transfer addiction!), I was looking at some XL tops and thinking "holy shit, these are freaking huge, complete tents" and moving on to the size L's because that's the size I currently wear. Since when were XL's huge??? Where's the girl that not even two months ago was so f-ing happy and exstatic to be wearing XL's??? You know, the girl who a year ago was a size 28??? And how exactly did my brain not process how huge that was as I was getting there? But, I swear to you that these tops yesterday (all different brands and designs) looked ginormous to my eyes/brain. Figure that out, Dr. Freud.

Moving on... reverse fatism? Why are people threatened, critical, jealous, I don't know what word I'm looking for- when others lose weight? When I have a friend who has a great job, or a cool house, or makes lots of money, or looks fabulous- I think it makes ME look good. It wouldn't cross my mind to be unhappy about any of it. Are people reallly upset because I might be happy? Luckily, I'm not getting this from anyone that I truly would be upset about... but still. Really?

I've had alot of shit going on at work. I love the adrenalin. I'm a junky. So, I'm counting that.

Yogurt, oatmeal, pepperjack cheese, deli ham, lasagna- 700 cals, 35 grams protein. And, guess what girlfriends? I'm still off the diet pepsi... and I feel SO MUCH better! Fabulous. Expect a post on the evils of diet soda. Probably not, but I'll most likely mention it ad nauseum. Have a great rest o' Monday.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Awards Ceremony?

So, I'm thinking we should plan a BEAUTIFUL BLOGGERS AWARDS ceremony. In Vegas, mainly because it's cheap and easy to get there. Sometime in the spring. I don't think there should actually be any "awards" because it's too easy to accidentally leave someone out. Everyone would be invited and everyone would be a winner! We could probably think of a few other things to do there... can you imagine a group of us hitting that town? It sounds so fun to me to hang out with a bunch of other band babes. Any one know how to get good group rates or have access to any deals?

It's been a good weekend. I bought size 12 jeans! I can a.l.m.o.s.t wear them. My new and reliable scale said I weighed 187.0 this morning. THANK YOU! Yesterday, I saw TWELVE ANGRY MEN up at the local University. Didn't like the premise (mandatory death penalty? in the US?), but it had some good thread weaving during the second half. Also went to go see THE LOVELY BONES. I think I need to read the book. The movie kept my interest, I haven't seen anything like it, but I didn't really understand it as deeply as I think it was intended. Today, I've got a very important lunch, which I'll talk more about later. Maybe.

Spontaneous and food will both be at Chili's today. Wish me luck on both! Actually, I can't think of anything on the menu that's floating my boat today. Maybe that will change when I get there. It's getting more frequent, but food isn't my biggest concern. Yea.

Friday, February 19, 2010


BB Award! No, it's not the Band-Babe award, but the BEAUTIFUL BLOGGER Award! So, as promised I'm going to do this by "THE RULES" (please see post below). It appears that all three people who read my blog nominated me! Actually, I'm really humbled because I love, love, love reading the bloggers who nominated me. I'm having issues with my link button, so I apologize if it's necessary to cut and paste these links. Either way, trust me... it's worth the time.

Banded in January, Gilly is a sophisticated and interesting blogger. She has a dark, dry sense of humor- which is probably why I love her so.

Jen is cute as the day is long. I look forward to reading her posts everyday. Especially because she steals candy from little children- which is probably why I love her so.

Sweet Dawn! Recently banded with her husband, bless her heart. She is from Pennsylvania, which is close to Maryland, and I love east coasters!


1) I grew up in Baltimore. The oldest of eight kids. I went to an all girls private school. That should explain alot about me.

2)I hated nursing school. When I graduated, I got a job at Ann Taylor until I couldn't afford to work there anymore. I then became a school nurse so I could have the same schedule as my kids. Next I took a job as a public health nurse for the health department doing care management for children with special needs who did not qualify for rare and ezpensive medical, but had serious co-morbid conditions. I then became an OR nurse in a pediatric hospital, specializing in cardiovascular surgery. That job had some serious highs and lows, but I really loved it. The best part was heart transplants, watching someone's tragedy turn into a complete miracle. To witness a new heart start to beat in a child is an indescribable emotional gift. I am currently a pediatric nurse care manager for a nationally recognized insurance company and I work with NICU babies and my darling heart patients. This is also an extremely challenging and rewarding job, and I love it.

3)Famous people I've met- not including local notables. Oprah (the older one, not Amy). I met her in the shoe department of a department store in Baltimore when she was a news anchor there. Dr. Ben Carson. If you don't know who he is, google him. It was my goal to work with him, and Johns Hopkins was paying to fly me out for an interview, when my oldest son was in an accident and so I ended up heading to Seattle instead. Oh, and I met Scott "well, HELLO there" Rockenfeld (the drummer from Queensryche). :)

4)I met Mr. Wonderful on an online dating site. We got hitched in Vegas six weeks later! Luckily, I had learned a few of lifes lessons and when I met him... and I KNEW he was "it". Almost seven years later, each day is better than the last (when I don't want to smother him with a pillow for snoring). We are as different and simultaneously alike as any two people could be. We are like peanut butter and jelly. So different, but definitely so good together.

5)I am going to be a grandmother at the end of June. My daughter is expecting a little boy (we just found out). She is naming him Aiden. This is such a difficult time for her, and me, but I'm trying to handle this with all the love and compassion I can offer. Pregnancy should never be a sad occasion for any woman (insert my liberal ideations here). So, we are doing everything we can to set her up for success (ie education, education, education), but this is going to be a challenging journey.

6)My husband and I have a five year plan to move to France. He has travelled all through out and lived in Europe. The extent of my international travel is Canada and Mexico, and I'm thinking there might be more to the world than North America? We're thinking about the city of Nice for various reasons, but are open to suggestions.

7) States I've lived in (in no particular order)- Maryland, Pennsylvania, New York, Utah, Texas, Washington, California.


I like CeeJay because she started out at almost the same exact weight as me. She is going to do so well with her band and I really appreciate her thoughtful comments.

2)Jen from Oregon
Jen says she's shy, but we're going to hang out together and pick up cute firemen! Seriously, I like Jen because she is about my age and we seem to be at similar points in our lives and band journey. And her posts are just plain fun to read.

3)Dee from Nawlinz
Dee is so insightful. I like her blog music! And, I'm a Saints fan, so enough said?

Yet another complete cutie pie. And, another Pennsylvania girl, which means I can't help but to love her!

Yana keeps it real. And, if I ever change my diet for the better, it's going to be just like hers! Good grief, I salivate over almost all of her posts! And, she's a cool NYC lawyer.

6)Super Mega Anna

Young, fun, lots of energy. She is so honest about her band journey. And, doing really well!

7)Or has it just begun
This guy is a hottie. I'd do him. Plus, he's been dieting for four STRAIGHT days!!! If you call 2200+ calories a day "dieting". :)

YEAH, I think this project is officially finished. WAKE UP NOW!


* Thank the person who nominated you for this award;
* Copy the award and post it in your blog;
* Link to the blog of the person who nominated you;
* Tell seven interesting things about yourself;
* Nominate seven bloggers and;
* Post links to the blogs of your nominees

Nominations for BB Award

Thanks to Gilly from "something something something fat chick" for nominating me for the Beautiful Blogger award. Until I have a chance to respond BY THE RULES, I wanted to post my nominations so that my nominees can start working on their responses because I really love reading the "7 interesting things" from all of the Beautiful BANDSTER bloggers...

1) Cee Jay

2)Jen from Oregon

3)Dee from Nawlinz



6)Super Mega Anna

7)This one is a wild card... but I have someone in mind.

And here is Gilly's address, if you haven't been there, check her out!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Off the hooch and a new scale

My sword is bloody, but I am alive! And I no longer drink diet soda. It's been three days, and no withdrawal symptoms at all. I think it was making my fibromyalgia symptoms worse... especially the "fibro fog" part. Psychosomatic or not, my brain seems to have cleared up noticably after my first day off. I'm not sleeping any better, but I am able to focus so much better during the day. I'm not going to be fanatical about this like the first time I went off... over a year with NO soda touching my lips. I may consider drinking it if we're eating out. But, no more 2 litres during the day. Yes, you read me right. I was drinking an entire 2 litre a day. And, I am surprised it was effecting me negatively? Yes. Yes I am. Sigh.

Mr. W has decided to eat healthier (aka go on a diet). I've been helping him with calories, portions, nutrition, etc. Guys suck because they can eat so damn much and still lose weight. Before I continue on about how bitter I am about that, I will move onto the new scale issue. Since we're both doing this weight loss thing, and since my scale was fickle at best, we decided to get a new scale. Nothing fancy, just one from Target. But, when I step on it... it says the same thing. The exact same thing. Over and over again. Even when I move it around. So, I think my old scale WAS broken. Or crap anyway.

Dunno. Don't care. :)

Today during work I am eating the following- zone bar, yogurt, oatmeal, salisbury steak & mac-n-cheese. 41 grams protein, 700 calories. Babette has been tight (she is unpredictable at times), so my calories have been good and I'm able to be satisfied with very small amounts of food. Yesterday, I got in all of my protein, and wanted to get in some more calories (imagine that!), so I had a teeny bit of key lime pie, and, yes AND, a swiss cake role. YUM. I felt like I had completely indulged, and I had, but my calories for the day were still around 1300. Fabulous. I know I'm not a nutrition nut, and that is because I need to do what is sustainable for me. But remember, I'm off soda! So, I do make a few healthy decisions. Go me!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I met the band!

This is not a play on words or double entendre. I surprised Mr. W with tickets to one of his favorite bands- Queensryche. The show was actually REALLY good. It was nice to see that the group wasn't stuck in a time warp, but was alternatively contemperary. After the show, we went to our favorite casino to gamble, and had a fabulous evening. We even kissed right in the middle of a skylight walkway between casinos. There wasn't anyone around, just the night and bright lights everywhere. Very romantic! I felt beautiful, healthy, alive, and so grateful for the moment.

After we were finished in the casino, and being the gentleman that he is, Mr. W went to bring the car to the front door to pick me up. I was alone standing in the vestibule between the front doors when a white van pulled up. And, out steps my husband's favorite band, all of them including the drummer (for whom he has warned me he would go gay). The lead singer was first, and he was almost completely past me when I got up the nerve to say hello and tell him I enjoyed the show. There was no way I could tell my husband that Queensryche walked past me, and I didn't say a word. The three guitarists were next, and I wasn't nervous at all talking with them. I was flipping out because I knew the drummer was on his way through the door, and I was desperately trying to think of something to say to him. The only two things I could think of were A) a version of the "good show tonight" I had given everyone else in the band or B) My husband wants to be your bitch. The rest of the band was in the lobby when the drummer came through the door. He looks at me, and before I have a chance to say a word, he says to ME... "well, HELLO there...". OMG he talked to me FIRST! He didn't even know I had spoken to the rest of the band, or that I'd been to his concert. I think he actually thought I was attractive! Remember, I was the only person waiting between the doors, so I had zero competition. I kept my composure and said hello back, and luckily for everyone involved, I decided to go with option "A" of "great show tonight".

So, as the van drives away, up drives Mr. W to get me, and I'm RUNNING (with high heels on!)out of the doors waiving and screaming. Since the band was completely through the doors, I didn't have to put on my "Yeah, I meet entire rock bands all the time" act. My husband thought I had hit a jackpot in the five minutes he had been gone... but it was even better and stranger than that! Oh! He felt so cheated on! His wife had met his favorite band while he was being a nice guy. And, his man crush had thought his wife was hot(ish)! He felt so cheated on! But, happy in a once removed kind of way. Or famous by association. After I told him the story fifty times in a row, we decided that the chances of this happening were about a squillion to one. The universe is weird. And, my new favorite saying is "well, HELLO there"... A simple reminder that... I met the band!

Now, back to the "other" band. For the first time ever since I've had Babette, I intentionally wanted to bypass her. We were in buffet city, and I wanted to do it right! Babette was being a biddy, and she would not let up not even with sliders. There was no pigging out for me AT ALL. And, I didn't push her because I didn't want to PB on our romantic get away. So, I begrudgingly did very well with food over the weekend.

Um, please see above!

Thirty five grams of protein planned for the daytime. I'm sticking to 700 calories during the day. Oh, and I'm going off of diet pepsi. Yes, that's big news in and of itself. But, I'll save that for another time. Happy short week!

Friday, February 12, 2010

Spontaneous, Impulsive, Instinctive

Every day, I think about my "word" for the year- spontaneous. I want to embody a certain essence in my life that I believe has been lacking, and in turn has been holding me back from living my life to the fullest. Part of that I think has contributed to my weight issues. I guess I'm now attempting a more wholistic approach to everything in my life. This isn't just about weight loss, it's much bigger than that.

In order to continue to understand, for myself, what it is I'm trying to achieve, I've come accross some additional meanings and synonyms for "spontaneous". The word itself implies lack of prompting and connotes naturalness. The word "impulsive" can have some negative connotations, but simply it only implies acting under emotion or spirit of the moment. The second synonym is "instinctive" which stresses action involving neither judgment nor will. This year I want to be all about natural feelings, real emotion, and actions that stem from those without any judgment of myself.

No more thinking everything through and beyond. I can't make a right hand turn without planning it half a mile in advance. Who cares? No more suppressing what I truly think and feel. I am now owning my emotions, and making it clear to the negative people in my life that I'm no longer interested. And, I am letting myself off the hook for alot. Well, actually everything. I can't do anything about the past, but accept it for what it was, and move on. And honestly, my past isn't anything major, but for how hard I've been on myself? Well, let's just say it's been a little disproportional.

I am eating what I want. I am drinking what I want. I am driving for scenery and not time. I shop slowly at Wal-Mart, no pressure, and no longer leave with a headache. I take the time and expense to get monthly manicures AND pedicures. I got weight loss surgery. I am cutting out toxic family members. I am being true to my heart and head and publicly expressing all of my liberalism (this might not sound big to some, but is huge given my upbringing). I believe in civil and human rights for everyone. I believe in seperation of church and state. I am against organized religion, but believe in personal spirituality. This is the range of what I'm trying to accomplish. Everything from what should be mindless activities such as eating all the way through defining my world and attempting to understand the universe. This word "spontaneous" is no small thing for me, but daily it manifests itself in my life in almost all small things. Including weight loss.

The usual. 45 grams of protein is the important part. This weekend, I will be eating well... as in out... delicious... no diet mentality... just small portions of whatever I really want. I am excited for my weekend, and I promise it will be alot lighter and more fun than this post! I'll tell you all about our trip and concert on Monday. Happy Valentines day and long weekend! Be safe.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

One more girl in the world

One more girl in the world weighs in the 180's- and she's ME! Looks like the cut and color worked. I think all the slowness in weight loss was because I'm gaining HAIR! Lots and lots of baby hairs! All over! Fabulous.

Can I just say that this last little bit of weight loss has been the most excruciating ever? I've lost over 400 lbs in my illustrious weight losing career, and have NEVER discussed one single pound of it with anyone. Except for this last six pounds (or so). It does not make me more accountable to write about it, I am only accountable to myself. But, I think I still like getting all of the craziness out of head, and into a format I can analyze. That part has been helpful. I've probably had weight loss this slow MANY times, but never once put it in writing where it was obvious to me how it was going. Hopefully, my band and keeping this blog will both help to end my second career! The band is helping my first career for sure (for anyone who missed it, I got a nice raise on Monday).

We're getting a surprise snow storm... and I sat in my parked car and just enjoyed the beauty of everything being white. That was really nice.

Oatmeal, yogurt, zone bar, turkey & mashed potatoes, popcorn. You can probably guess how many calories (700), and protein is 43 grams. Babette (my dear sweet band) is really giving me some love! I tried to eat some fish two nights ago, and yesterday for lunch, and whoa! do I need to eat is slowly. For dinner last night, I had a bite of buffalo chicken strip, and a few bites of homemade mac & cheese, and that's all she'd allow. I love eating a tiny bit of really yummy food, and feeling oh so full. I could not do this without her. I love you, Babette. Smooches.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I will definitely lose weight today!

Getting my haircut this morning, so I will definitely lose weight today. I think the problem with my scale is the floors in my house, they are uneven. Why do I continue to weigh myself every day? Because I want to see the 180's as quickly as possible, so I'm willing to drive myself crazy with daily weigh-in's, knowing full well that the fluctuations of daily weight are maddening. Weight was 191 today. No joke. And, it's not physically possible for me to be gaining weight, or even maintaining. So, I wait. And drive myself nuts. And anyone who may be reading this. Sorry. :)

The hair "trim" (JUST A TRIM, PLEASE) is in preparation for my weekend! Going to Queensryche with Mr. W this Saturday. I've never listened to heavy metal, but I did listen to a few clips that were emailed to me. Actually, not too bad. The two or three songs I heard anyway. There was an orchestra in the background in one song, and accoustic guitar in another. It's embarrassing to hear the music I listened to in the 80's, the sound quality is baaaad. Really awful. But, I still listen to it sometimes.

I have lots of shopping to do, and I'm going to get a few surprises for our weekend away...

I need to go the store. Yogurt, Zone bar (half of it eaten, the other half thrown away, I hate the caramel chocolate flavor), pepperjack, plain tuna. Maybe I'll see if Mr. W is free for lunch today. If not, I may opt to not eat anything else until tonight. I'm noticing I have this thing about really enjoying my food. I'd rather spend calories on yummy over nutrition most days of the week. And both days on the weekend! Have a fabulous Wednesday, love to all.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Surgery has paid for itself

I knew that being thinner would help my career. Yesterday, out of the blue, it did just that. I was expecting it, but not this quickly. My insurance paid at only 50%for weight loss surgery, and I ended up paying about $9,000 out of pocket. Even if I had to pay for the band completely self pay, it would be absolutely worth it from a financial perspective. I couldn't afford not to lose this weight.

No love from the scale. But, my (NEW!) pants are getting looser. Whatever is or is not happening, is visible. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but maybe... my scale is broken?

Not so much today.

Zone bar, cheese & egg & sausage english muffin thingy, pepperjack cheese, chicken alfredo 700 calories, 35 grams protein. I'm hungry this morning.

Monday, February 8, 2010

How to lose 5 lbs in one week!!!

I often have to remind myself of things I already know. Like, the slower you lose weight, the greater the likelihood that you'll keep it off. Permanent weight loss sounds good to me! So, why the impatience with losing weight? Because I want it, and I want it now! Even if it's better the other way!?! Today, my weight is at 190.2- I am soooooooo close to the 180's, and have been wanting it for weeks. But, not so badly to knock my socks off for it. So, I'm losing weight slowly- which after already losing over 100 lbs, is really the better way to do this. It's sustainable weight loss. I can eat like a crazy, low calorie, perfect eater, no cheater, dieter (yes, I said dieter, because we all do it even with our bands) for only so long.

So, how do you lose 5 lbs in one week? Wait, do I truly want to lose 5 lbs in one week? 4? 3? 2? 1? Does it matter, as long as I'm losing? What will I look like in one year, if I eat exactly as I am currently eating? I will be a skinny bitch! At 1200-1800 calories a day, doing nothing else, I will most likely be a size 8, and weigh my goal weight of 150 lbs. That, I can do! The band makes it a more than reasonable expectation. I will be in the 180's this week, without a doubt. I feel there already. But, guess what? It's just a number! That's all it is. What I truly want is long term.

I got nothin...

Granola bars, yogurt, pepperjack, rice & beans... 700 cals, 25 grams protein. I'm thinking fish for dinner. Now, I'm thinking I better get back to work, Mondays are always busy...

Sunday, February 7, 2010

!!!!!! S~A~I~N~T~S !!!!!!

This has nothing to do with food or the band!!!! I made my five year old cry with my screaming during the blitz by Porter! OH MY GOD! Love it. Love it. Love it. I had a thing for the Saints this year because of Reggie Bush. And, I'm from Baltimore so I route for ANY team that's not the Colts (boo hiss). Great game! To top it all off, I won a twenty minute massage bet! This has been a phenominal day!

Screaming my head off.

Band has been giving very decent restriction. I had some ham & cheese omelette, bagel bites, jalepeno poppers, mozzerella sticks- about 1400 calories. I know I have a crappy diet, but it was fun!

Saturday, February 6, 2010


Guess how much I still weigh? I think I'm done with 1200 calories a day for a while. I'm averaging 1600, never more (hardly ever more) than 1800 calories per day, and that's all I'm willing to do. So, if this last 40 lbs takes awhile, so be it. I obviously don't want to do the exercise part yet, or I would have already started. When I do it, when I do ANYTHING from here on out in my life, it will be because I WANT to, not because I have to. So, I will enjoy where I'm at. My family has told me to stop losing weight, and I could probably get along just fine if I did, but I'm not ready to be finished. I am however ready for it to be slower at this point. I'm at acceptance with myself, my body, and my rate. For today, anyway...

BONCO? BUNKO? Don't know which it is, but I started with a group last night. Super fun. I saw a drinking version of it on the Real Housewives of Orange County (guilty pleasure)- and it looked VERY fun. My daughter's ex-boyfriend's mom asked me to join her group, and last night was my first try. I don't know how anyone could do it drunk, but next time I might try. As I was getting ready to go super quickly after work last night, my daughter told me how proud she was of the weight I've lost and how much happier (and social) it's made me. Fat stopped me from enjoying life and people. No more!!! And, this week I get to start getting ready for the Queensryche concert that I bought tickets for my husband, which is next weekend. TMI, but Mr. W wants me to wear a leather miniskirt. Ummm... I don't know if that's going to happen. If it looks unsausagelike, I may do it, but I'm going to have to start some serious shopping this week.

Oh, and I think apologies are in order for my lack of editing in these blog posts. Sorry about the sentence structure in the above paragraph. And, when I was talking about my last band fill (from a couple of weeks ago), it's a "c"oring needle not a "b"oring needle. That's been haunting me. And, women should "w"eild power, not "y"eild power (from my post yesterday). Those are the only two that bother me. Too bad I can't send my blog through the same editing process I do at work. I'm pretty certain there have been lots of other errors I should have caught, so thanks for bearing with me. You know what I mean!

If I decide to shower today, will that count? I love staying in my pj's all day, at least one day out of the weekend. No worries!

Mr. W woke up early and made bacon, sausage, ham & cheese omelettes, hash browns, french toast, cantaloupe, grapes, orange juice, chocolate milk, and regular milk. Seriously, all of that. And, he invited his parents over. My band is working really well, I had a couple of bites of omelette (because it's my favorite), and a few bites of hashbrowns (just because!). I've had a little second serving of omelette for late lunch. I should also confess the lemonheads, swedish fish, and sour patch kids I've eaten while watching movies this afternoon. Altogether, I estimate about 1,000 calories so far. Not great choices, but also not pigging out. So, I'm still at acceptance right now. Please remind me to not beat myself up when I start PMS'ing. Back to an awful movie ("Love Happens", but that movie does NOT), I said I'd be right back in a minute, and it's been five... no wonder I have no editing in my posts... bye...

Friday, February 5, 2010


Pronounced Kw-OH-fee. In case I wasn't the last person on the earth to hear this word, it is a variation on the acronym for "Queen Of Fucking Everything". I first heard it a couple of years ago where I currently work, obviously with a bunch of QOFE's. I am one. And, I do believe there are one or two or ten other QOFE's in band blog land. Some are sweet about it. Some disguise it. Some are unabashidly unapologetic. Some are faking it till they make it (perfectly acceptable in my book). Some were simply born to rule the world. Some handle power with grace, some less so. Some don't realize the power they actually yeild. But, I am fairly convinced that there are many, many QOFE's in our little community. These are merely my personal observations, no judgement attached. No good, no bad, it just is.

I hold firm to my thought that the band is not for cheaters, but only for the strong. It is for those looking for a competitive edge... most of us are not used to losing. We are addicted to success. It is ours to take, and we are doing so. And most beautifully, although admittedly not perfectly, we are helping each other to succeed. We understand each others fears and failures, but most importantly- each others potentials! We have exceedingly high expectations for ourselves, and often for those around us, but are learning to be gentle with ourselves, and with each other. We bandster QOFE's have the power to lift, motivate, lead, and make change. The only place we are losers is in weight, and in my opinion, we are also the queens of that.

I just called a bunch or really strong women queen's of fucking everything to their faces...

Healthy, but not so high in protein. Granola bars, yogurt, cheese stick, frozen lasagna. It's about 700 calories, maybe 30 grams protein. My darling daughter made cupcakes last night, and I had a little frosting incident... I controlled it to the best of my ability. Enjoyed it, refused to feel guilty about it. It was a little difficult to wash the majority of it down the sink, but it was the only way... sigh...

Thursday, February 4, 2010

It's not fun unless it's naughty...

Sex and sweets. Do it like you mean it. Purposefully. Slowly. Choose the very best and savor it. It is only pleasurable that way. It is only good for the soul that way. And, it is necessary for true physical and emotional health.

If you want some candy, or desert, or your favorite treat, do it! Buy only small quantities, or throw out too much, or force your family and friends to take the excess (believe me, they will not be upset about that, and you may become very popular in the process). But, there are times when we need the emotional satisfaction that comes from enjoying all of our physical senses. Denying ourselves doesn't make our needs go away. Learning to accept and enjoy the things that bring us intense pleasure is key to living a full life.

Sex and chocolate. Amazing. Epiphany material. Truly. The chocolate was cheap and easy (wink wink), but the textures and taste... ummmmmmm. Dear god, seriously a religious experience.

It appears I will be fasting today as I brought the wrong lunch. One of the kids is going to get a healthy surprise in a few hours!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Blog Pressure

There is alot of pressure to perform when the whole world (or several people) are reading about your weight loss progress, or as for some of us, slowness! I should have been happy with the 190, because today was 191. It was impossible for me to have gained fat weight, because the most calories I've eaten is 1800. Mixed news is, I had to buy some work slacks a couple of weeks ago, because I just couldn't wear my bigger ones any longer- and my new ones lasted 10 days before I had to buy the next size down. My daughter tried to talk me into getting the 14's from the beginning, but my mind set is still set on "big". I need to trust her from here on out, because without the scale moving, it's difficult for me to acknowledge that I'm actually smaller. Shopping can be so fun, but there's a part of me that doesn't know what to make of it. I fully plan on working on that issue!!!

Yesterday, I was home with a migraine. The throwing up kind. I'm back at work today, but probably shouldn't have driven because my eyesight is still a little blurry. Is it wrong to hope that I've lost weight from this experience? How warped is that? But, that would make it slightly worth it? Crazy. But, true.

Go to hell. ;)~

What's the sound of puking? I don't know how to spell it... I have food in the fridge, but I don't think it's going to happen. Will this end already?

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Sick Day

Home with a migraine. Can't eat or I'll throw up. :(

Monday, February 1, 2010

The party is over

Monday, and back to work. It's like the day after Christmas feeling. Good memories, though! I got lots of Bath and Body Works... so, I may just open up a store because I think I have enough product to do so. B&BW's always makes me happy, so I'm not complaining. I also got alot of handmade stationary, etc. Very cute. Some people have alot of talent. I also got some accessories, jewelry and a cute scarf.

Party food was very good. Hubbie had it catered by Famous Daves, so lot's of protein choices. My band is really on the job, so I could barely get much meat down. Sadly, cake and M&M's went down with absolutely no problem at all. I didn't worry about calories or anything, just wanted to have fun. And, I did!

Um. Yeah.

Too busy to care. But, the remainder of the cake (white cake, raspberry filling, whipped cream frosting) is being tossed before I get home (I have a good daughter). That's my biggest food plan for the day!