Swelling is my frenemy and other dark confessions

Sometimes, I want my band to squeeze tight. Really tight. Even though I complain, I really do like it. It feels good to have that physical control, and two plus weeks every month, I can count on swelling to make my band a vice. Water weight is not my favorite thing to see on the scale, but at the same time, I know what it is, and am happy about the restriction that comes along with the swelling. Which I've established that I like? Yes. Today though, my band is the tightest it has ever, EVER been. And I'm hungry. And THIRSTY. I'm a year and a half out, and this has never happened to me. If I didn't want to slam down some hydration right now, my sadistic side would be loving this.

This is a dark time of the year for me. It's already starting, and I'm trying to fight it. I'm finding myself struggling with the holidays already. Thanksgiving is usually my favorite holiday, and usually I make a huge deal of it. Always at my house, so that I can have everything exactly the way I like it. This year, I'm not doing it. I've purposely not invited anyone, and have avoided invitations. Why am I doing this? I shouldn't do this, because I need my six year old to have great childhood memories. Don't even mention the "C" word. It feels like a bill to me, and that's about it. I used to make a big deal about it, too. And even though I've previously held onto enjoying Thanksgiving, I do not like Christmas. We put up our tree, blah blah blah, but I'm finding myself slipping into that dark place. When I first started blogging, I would have skipped posting before admitting this.

My final dark confession of the evening. If I'm so ok with where my weight is, why do I think about diets still? I've seen specials around for medically supervised hcg injection series for $120. Even though I KNOW better than quick weight loss, and I'm against losing weight I'll gain back if I don't put in continuous effort- I've been researching this. What a great "C" word gift to myself? It's so cheap! It will get rid of my bad fat! I would be in the normal weight range! It would be so completely easy for me to follow the diet!

Am I a frenemy to myself?

Amey & Me

Not tonight honey, I have a headache

I have pictures, I honestly do. I'll post tomorrow night because I am too lazy to leave my bed to download pics onto our office computer. Amey looks great in the ones from Friday night. I think I look like sheet. Really, seriously not happy with how I look in photos. They just don't match with whatever it is I've got going on in my brain.

Feeling kinda cruddy today, I'm too old to stay up all night drinking. It knocks me on my ass. But, it was fun, and I'm learning lots about Mr. Wonderful that I guess he "forgot" about. Good times!!! I just don't know how people my age can do this all the time. Thank god we aren't doing this again until New Years.

Not in the mood for work tomorrow. Not in the mood for much, obviously! ;(

BOOZE!!!

That's tonight.

But I want to tell you about last night, and my dinner with Amey from Idaho. Honestly, I think Chicago will last forever. It was so fun to spend time with a BOOB... and she is so beautiful and minus a noticable amount of weight since September! She and her husband are a darling couple and seem so happy and good to each other. Amey has a cute as a button 13 yr old son who, sweet thing, had just had two teeth pulled (on top of wearing a cast from a broken wrist from a month ago) and what a trooper he was at dinner. We talked about everything, but the best part is the stuff we don't have to say, the "understood" band stuff, but we still talked about that, too! Amey is ready to start getting ready for the next BOOBS trip... NOW. I'm in agreement, there is just nothing like it.

And Thursday... I was able to meet up with my new band friend... who works in my building. I can not even believe there is a BOOB candidate that close! She has had no support, and I was a little hesitant about telling someone at work about my personal blog, but I got over myself and encouraged her to check out our BOOB community. I explained to her that the support here is like none other. She has NOT seen even one band success, and her experience here with the support groups being a little negative, is the same as mine. That's exactly why I started looking for online support. And now, we all physically have each others support... for which I am so grateful. It's a huge part of whatever success I've had with my band. Every bandster deserves that.

I will post pictures of my dinner with Amey. But, that brings me to BOOZE. We are getting together tonight with the group of guys (and their wives, I don't know how such nerds ended up with such fine women!). If it's anything like our party a couple of weeks ago, well... there will be lots of wine, etc. I've got a bottle (and a half) of Moscato chilling. Also, I will take pictures of my slutty outfit I plan on wearing tonight. I will also post pictures of it! I'm trying to enjoy ALL aspects of this weight loss. The shopping, the socializing... and now I want to get normal about pictures. Maybe even MORE than normal, hmmmm?

Cheers, and I'll post pictures tomorrow (afternoon). ;)

BOOBS!!!

Don't be jealous, but I get to have dinner with a real live BOOB on Friday!!!
My closest BOOB neighbor Amy from Idaho will be in Utah and she is going to make a stop in Salt Lake City to visit. My link function has never worked, but I'll try again...

If that doesn't work, cut and paste (old school baby!):
http://doesthisdonutmakemybuttlookbig.blogspot.com/
I.will.take.my.camera! I.will.take.pictures! It.will.not.kill.me! It might even be fun...

Not that I EVER get to meet other bandsters, but tomorrow I'm also having lunch with one. What's up in the universe? The nurse I used to work with who manages the bariatric patients for our insurance company, asked me if I would be willing to talk with another lapband patient... who get THIS... works in my exact building. I must have walked past her office ten times just last week. I never get to see any bandsters... and now TWO in two days! Very awesome.

It's been a decent week. I'm keeping up with my current project (sometimes I worry). I'm so happy it's Thursday tomorrow. My biggest thing going on this week has been my sons private kindergarten. Please be a good friend and act shocked and appalled by this: We got a letter on Monday saying that if a child got on red three times in one week, they would be suspended. Not three times in a row, just after three times. Just GETTING on red, not even staying on red. KINDERGARTNERS SUSPENDED FOR GETTING ON RED? What does red entail? Weapons? Drugs? Violence? NO. Red criteria is (directly off of the daily update report): difficulty following directions, unable to keep hands and feet to self, bad language (potty words like poop, or body parts), disruptive in class. This class has nine students, and the teacher is so overwhelmed that she is going to suspend kindergartners??? Yes, we've had meetings, letters, I've gone into the class, spoken with other parents... and the administration as of Monday was still backing the teacher (after they told me differently face to face). Private school? Really? So, anyway... we've been objecting to this and it's been work. In the meantime, my husband came accross this amazing K-12 that is RIGHT across the street from the hospital I work at. Our son will be the fifth student in the class. I've seen this school lots of times, but for whatever reason it never clicked in my brain. We met with them yesterday and they are very happy to have him. It's.a.little.more.expensive... but I love the idea that he will be so close to us during the day. It will be easy to spend time in his class, and have lunch with him whenever, and why didn't we think of this before? My husband wrote him an illustrated story about a dinosaur (our son's name spelled backwards), and his dino story about his old school, being on yellow, and starting a new school and making more friends and being close to his mom and dad. Our six year old is now excited. I thought for sure there would be tears, but nope. Ok. Enough of our drama. I didn't even break this up for ease of reading. It was really just for me. But, I won't be offended if you tell me how awful their policy is, and private school should not be that way, and wow what great parents we are for finding such a fabulous school and trying so hard to make this transition as healthy and happy as possible. Thanks, I appreciate that.

Time to take my medicine and go to bed. Goodnight!

Waking up in a pile of Life

That's how I started my Saturday morning. I stumbled into the bathroom, went to pull up my pj's, and noticed the floor around covered in cereal. I crunched back to bed only to find my sheets full of crushed Life, and wondered if even one piece of cereal had made it into my mouth. I think not. It goes without saying what this was cause by. Don't do drugs, even if they are prescribed for you, and you are using them appropriately. They make you do crazy things. I even sent a work "z" mail this week! Lets just say awkward, and leave it at that.

The day got better. It was a salon day. Afternoon. And I cheated. I cheated on my hairstylist that I've been seening faithfully since 2006. But, I really wanted to see what it would be like with someone else. And I've been going to this new salon for nails, waxing, massages, that... I wanted to get my hair done there, too. And... it was awesome! I won't be able to tell if we'll keep carrying on this relationship, until Monday when I do my hair by myself. But this might work. I may need to think of a good break up story. I'm usually just big into the truth (lies don't tend to be any better than the truth, so I just say what's going on). But, I never been an unfaithful hair whore before.

I'm off to finish reading some blogs, and to put some plastic over my sheets to protect them from the crumbs, or put a lock on the cereal, or tape over my mouth, or glue my Ambien bottle closed tight. Good night...

167

New low. Looks like the booze, chips and candy are paying off. Seriously, this is why I love my band. Even when I lose my mind (which next to never happens... sarcasm...)... I can lose weight. I wasn't very optimistic about getting to my goal weight of 159, which would make me not overweight. However, I'm reading blogs of people who have been banded for years, who continue(d) to lose weight. If it happens, great. And it might. If I don't lose any more weight, I'm truly content where I am. But, if I've not made it clear... my dieting days are over. Thanks also to the bloggers out there who have been passionate in defending the band and providing education on the success rate of diets (wow, 2%... diets work for me... to get fat).

I still don't know why I don't run. I think in my head, I associate it with trying to lose weight. And obsessing... faster, further, more challenging hills... and even though I get great endorphin rushes... I don't know. Maybe I'm afraid to actually be thin? Maybe I associate thin with all the diet crap? Maybe skinny wasn't my goal this time? Just "normal"? But maybe I still buy into a girl can never be too rich or too thin? Yeah, I really have lost my mind.

This brings me to pictures. I still avoid them. Being in them. Reading blogs this week, I have loved seeing everyone in their Halloween costumes. It's fun seeing friends able to enjoy holidays, sexy costumes, LIFE. I know I enjoyed being social and going to parties this year (the first time in a loooooooong time) and wearing a sexy costume. My husband and I were Romans. He was a (HOT) Roman soldier, and I was a Roman goddess. We got to wear our costumes to two parties. I felt good about how I looked, and I thought about taking pictures. But each time decided NOT to... because I'm not sure how I'm going to look in pictures. Same reason I avoid vlogging. This is what happened to me in Chicago. Camera in hand, but too afraid, because I can't get an accurate perspective of my size in my head. I want to like pictures.

So... I'm happy about 167. But still nuts. The band can't fix that. :)