Sometimes, I want my band to squeeze tight. Really tight. Even though I complain, I really do like it. It feels good to have that physical control, and two plus weeks every month, I can count on swelling to make my band a vice. Water weight is not my favorite thing to see on the scale, but at the same time, I know what it is, and am happy about the restriction that comes along with the swelling. Which I've established that I like? Yes. Today though, my band is the tightest it has ever, EVER been. And I'm hungry. And THIRSTY. I'm a year and a half out, and this has never happened to me. If I didn't want to slam down some hydration right now, my sadistic side would be loving this.
This is a dark time of the year for me. It's already starting, and I'm trying to fight it. I'm finding myself struggling with the holidays already. Thanksgiving is usually my favorite holiday, and usually I make a huge deal of it. Always at my house, so that I can have everything exactly the way I like it. This year, I'm not doing it. I've purposely not invited anyone, and have avoided invitations. Why am I doing this? I shouldn't do this, because I need my six year old to have great childhood memories. Don't even mention the "C" word. It feels like a bill to me, and that's about it. I used to make a big deal about it, too. And even though I've previously held onto enjoying Thanksgiving, I do not like Christmas. We put up our tree, blah blah blah, but I'm finding myself slipping into that dark place. When I first started blogging, I would have skipped posting before admitting this.
My final dark confession of the evening. If I'm so ok with where my weight is, why do I think about diets still? I've seen specials around for medically supervised hcg injection series for $120. Even though I KNOW better than quick weight loss, and I'm against losing weight I'll gain back if I don't put in continuous effort- I've been researching this. What a great "C" word gift to myself? It's so cheap! It will get rid of my bad fat! I would be in the normal weight range! It would be so completely easy for me to follow the diet!
Am I a frenemy to myself?