Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Swelling is my frenemy and other dark confessions

Sometimes, I want my band to squeeze tight. Really tight. Even though I complain, I really do like it. It feels good to have that physical control, and two plus weeks every month, I can count on swelling to make my band a vice. Water weight is not my favorite thing to see on the scale, but at the same time, I know what it is, and am happy about the restriction that comes along with the swelling. Which I've established that I like? Yes. Today though, my band is the tightest it has ever, EVER been. And I'm hungry. And THIRSTY. I'm a year and a half out, and this has never happened to me. If I didn't want to slam down some hydration right now, my sadistic side would be loving this.

This is a dark time of the year for me. It's already starting, and I'm trying to fight it. I'm finding myself struggling with the holidays already. Thanksgiving is usually my favorite holiday, and usually I make a huge deal of it. Always at my house, so that I can have everything exactly the way I like it. This year, I'm not doing it. I've purposely not invited anyone, and have avoided invitations. Why am I doing this? I shouldn't do this, because I need my six year old to have great childhood memories. Don't even mention the "C" word. It feels like a bill to me, and that's about it. I used to make a big deal about it, too. And even though I've previously held onto enjoying Thanksgiving, I do not like Christmas. We put up our tree, blah blah blah, but I'm finding myself slipping into that dark place. When I first started blogging, I would have skipped posting before admitting this.

My final dark confession of the evening. If I'm so ok with where my weight is, why do I think about diets still? I've seen specials around for medically supervised hcg injection series for $120. Even though I KNOW better than quick weight loss, and I'm against losing weight I'll gain back if I don't put in continuous effort- I've been researching this. What a great "C" word gift to myself? It's so cheap! It will get rid of my bad fat! I would be in the normal weight range! It would be so completely easy for me to follow the diet!

Am I a frenemy to myself?


  1. I SO know what you're saying here - I am not looking forward to xmas either. Not because of the food side of things, it just seems such a blahh time of year. I hope things get straight for you - its tough feeling the way you do xx

  2. I'm sorry you are feeling down, sweetie. However, I think more people feel like you than you think. Regarding the diet - all I can say is that if I looked like you, I'd spend less time looking at diets/injections and more time strutting my fine looking self. In all seriousness, I think that it's just a habit to look for the next great weight loss solution and it will probably be a while before you stop looking. But please, step away from the injections and use that $120 for a new, hot dress. XO

  3. My mom died 8 years ago, and Christmas had never been the same for me. It is getting better each year, and I now have grand kids to enjoy it with. So do you! Hope it gets better, my love. I agree with Bonnie, buy a smokin hot dress with that $120!!!!!

  4. I feel exactly the same. Blues are hitting me major. I am feeling overwhelmed so started my anti-depressants again. I too have been wondering why they don't have a weight loss drug that works yet. So why aren't you doing Thanksgiving this year (ours is already over). You can still make it simple and nice for your daughter even if you don't invite others. Christmas too. Hope you get over this hump soon.

  5. So sorry you're feeling blue.
    Do what you can for Thanksgiving but I agree you owe those memories to your daughter. I didn't have that and looked how screwed up I am.
    Love you...feel better soon.

  6. I so feel what you are saying. Especially this year. I want to blink and have the holidays gone. It will be the FIRST Thanksgiving and FIRST Christmas without my Dad and Brother-in-Law. It will be so hard for me, I cannot begin to imagine what it will be like for my sister, niece and nephew.

    However, it is because of the children that we, you and me both, have to go through the motions and make it the best we can for them. (How did I miss that you have a 6 year old? I thought you just had your older son and daughter!)

    Hang in there honey and we'll get through together!

  7. Oh my friend. I hate to hear the pain behind your words...but I get it. Do what you can and feel what you feel...you're going to be okay. I love you friend.