Work hard, PLAY HARDER

So, the job was posted on Friday, but I haven't applied yet. Don't know what I want, but I'm willing to see where this goes. I've been MIA because I was given a huge project for a VIP (very important payer). Anyway, all eyes are on me, and I've got to get this right, and get it done quickly. The last part is the most difficult part. Everyone else has the luxury of only reviewing a couple of pieces of data, and I have to make sure every other detail is perfect. I'm doing this under the direct supervision of our CFO. But, all I can do is all I can do, and I am not going to kill myself for my job. Ever. I want to love what I do. But what I do is not who I am...

But playing is a whole other story! I.LOVE.HALLOWEEN! We have been to so many fun parties I can't see straight. Seriously. My vision was blurry. It has been a long time since I've felt comfortable enough about my weight and how I look to go out and have a real social life. We even had a costume party at our house this weekend, and I had the pleasure of meeting the majority of my husband's boyhood friends. These guys have all been friends since kindergarten. And I've heard crazy stories, and was a little nervous to actually meet them. We have been married for seven years, and they all live very close to us, however for whatever reason he decided now would be good to reconnect (I'm sure alot of it had to do with me, and of course my weight). But, the night (and morning) was hilarious, and we're all getting together to do it again in two weeks. It was great for me to see that side of Mr. Wonderful.

We did trick or treating last night (Saturday) night... and if Halloween and candy have been a hot topic this week... let me chime in. I bought good candy. I did not buy it until Saturday, so there would be contained temptation. I had a few pieces, the rest was gone by 9pm into little trick or treaters goody bags. Even my six year old "regifted" any candy he didn't want (which left him with about two handfuls- which is extremely good if you were a kid like me and would want two sackfuls). Anyway, it was fun, delicious, and not overdone.

Today, I don't know so much. I was a grazer today. I don't like when my eating doesn't have some level of control. I ate mindlessly, and it's an uncomfortable feeling for me physically and emotionally. It's a remnant of my past that still haunts me. Maybe that's just it. It was my ghost of fattness past coming to remind me of where I've been, and where I do not want to return. Do you remember making deals with yourself that you'll never eat like that again, and this week you'll do better and make healthy food choices and portion control. And that you'd exercise... lots. That is actually what I don't want to do. I spent years with that mentality, and I was fat fat fat. I don't know exactly what to make of today. Maybe it was just a day. It certainly wasn't that fun. I've packed my normal band friendly foods for work tomorrowk, and the proof for me will be how the week turns out. Not how one random relax day went. And there is so much comfort for me in knowing that if I were to gain weight (and if I did eat enough to gain a pound, that is not a huge deal), and I have my surgeon and a fabulous tool to help me, if I feel like my weight is slipping. It's my plan B that I talk about all the time. It helps end that fear rollercoaster about food and weight gain. I'm still in the 160's. I do weigh myself everyday. I can range from 168 to 173 with period weight, so I won't consider any fluctation as fat gain unless I get over 174. That's when I think I'll have to do something more proactive.

It's getting to be the holiday season. And, I have this sick fantasy of maybe even losing weight during this time of the year. I've been holding back one of my biggest weight loss guns... running. Since I'm attempting not to put work first... guess maybe I should pull out the mother of all weight loss tools. I have a weight set next to my treadmill, and maybe Mr. W would work out with me. He's already a very broad guy... he looks intimidating, but it's a laugh if you know him because he's such a gentle giant.

Anyway, didn't mean to go off so much here. Blogger wouldn't let me read comments or go to other blogs, but it would let me post. Hmmmm. Strange. So, hopefully when I'm finished with this book, I can go see what's going on in some interesting lives. Ciao.