Overwhelmed

I am touched by so much sentiment... I appreciate all of the loving support. This whole experience has been healing for me. The night my grandmother passed away was a very long one. When I could get her comfortably medicated, everything was peaceful... but there were moments when I prayed for an angel of mercy. I'm used to working in a (usually) very controlled environment (the OR), and without suction and relying on atropine drops... well, I felt helpless, and I couldn't fathom how it was anything less than torturous for her. Luckily, the majority of the time she seemed very comfortable. I really wanted her to feel no discomfort or pain at all.

It was relieving to see her one last time. Coming home after almost seven years away has been surprisingly therapeutic. I've been able to connect with new friends and re-connect with many old friends. I have had the opportunity to spend alot of time with my best friend from high school- we can go long periods of time when we're just "busy"- but we always pick up exactly where we left off. Plus, I think she actually enjoys hearing about the drama that is my crazy family.

I was also able to see my oldest and best childhood friend, the boy (man?) who my mom stumbled upon on facebook, that I've written about fairly recently. I thought I would be leaving today, but I'm staying until Sunday so I can be here for the funeral. So, I tried to cram everything into two days... keeping that in mind, my sweet childhood friend drove to see me after work on Tuesday evening (last night?!?). He brought his mom along, too- and it was comforting to go back and talk about such good times. It was a time warp! A fabulous one. I told him we'd have to get our families together this summer so he and my husband can commiserate about how mean I am... ;)

Tomorrow I get to meet the godmother I've only seen in pictures. And on Thursday, I get to see my aunt whom I've not seen since I was a teenager. I know death is a time of gathering, but I'm a fairly non-social person, and this has been overwhelming- way more than I'm used to. My mom is being unusually real, and I've felt like I could be my true self around her, and that she is accepting me- I've honestly enjoyed all of our time together. I've even been able to have some girl bonding with my 18 year old sister, whom I've never really gotten to know well- I was long gone by the time she was born- in fact she and my daughter were born only 10 days apart. She unexpectedly stayed up to help me keep late night vigil over our grandmother and we were able to connect and communicate on a very deep level. Everything is coming around so full circle, I'd think I'm about to die or something.

You know what's funny? One of the first things I thought when my grandma passed away is- "wow, my grandma died- I can eat anything I want today". I used to find that excuse EVERY day. I still do eat whatever I want- but it's been made especially worse by being back in my home town and trying to quickly eat my way through all of my indiginous food favorites. It's all been good up until my crab chip (thin potatoe chips with old bay seasoning) dinner this evening- now I do feel gross! I bought them in the store this afternoon and told my mother "yes, I plan on eating chips for dinner tonight"- wow, it's great to be in my forties... :)

Despite all this goodness, my body has had it today. My fibromyalgia is flaring today- at points I hurt so badly I wanted to cry. I've spent the majority of the day in bed. I'm a little embarrassed to have this happen at my parents house. There's always been an intense need I've had to be completely strong and compitent in front of my parents. This disease definitely makes me vulnerable. But so far, being this exposed has not proven detrimental.

I'm using up my cosmic share of talking people's ears off (or writting their eyes out?)- so I'm done. Thank you for all of the sweet comments, everyone has been so wonderful.