Since before I even decided on being banded, I had a secret goal of being a size 12 by my fortieth birthday. Well, I turn forty on the 19th, which is now less than two weeks away, and it's not looking like I will make my goal by my actual birth date. The pants I've been wearing are a size 16, and they fit best just out of the dryer (yes, DRYER- not dried on a rack!), and they fit all weird the rest of the time. I can wear a size 14 jeans, but just because I CAN, doesn't mean I SHOULD- if you know what I mean. So, I then modified my birthday goal to just be in the 180's by my b-day. After my Christimas GAIN, I didn't even want to make the 180's a goal because I thought over five pounds in two weeks is too much a stretch (especially because I'm not working out, and that subject is next). BUT, there was a Christmas miracle today! The scale said 193! So, I'm going to be brave and confess my secret goal... I want to be in the 180's by 01-19-10.
Now, to the subject of EXERCISE. Band blogger Colleen who writes on "This time I mean it", had the ultimate exercise question. Basically, if we like to exercise, and we like the results, why don't we do it? I'm going to go out on a limb here, but I think most of us have some form of exercise that we actually like. I didn't like to move AT all at my heaviest. But, there was a time when I enjoyed running. ALOT. My body is liberal and generous with endorphins. When I was in my best shape, I was running between three and ten miles a day. After the first 1/2 mile, I would literally be floating... my mind was clear, and it was just an amazing feeling. And as equally satisfying? I was 119 lbs and a size 6 (out of the dryer size 6!), and at 5'7", that's nice and lean. So, why am I not running now that I'm at a weight where I could easily do so? Seriously, I'm ASKING. I don't know the answer to that. I really don't.
Spontaneous report: Ski date set for the 16th. But, I don't know what to wear! And, I'm not going to look cute. :(
Food report: Yesterday, I ended up with a little over 1200 calories, and 65 grams of protein. Todays menu is turkey sausage, whole wheat waffle, greek yogurt, pepper jack cheese, SmartOnes turkey w/ gravy & mashed potatoes, and of course I have no idea what's on the dinner menu. So my daytime tally is 600 calories, 47 grams of protein. I have the popcorn again, but haven't needed it. I had a really BAD episode of hypoglycemia last week (which I don't usually have unless I'm preggers, and I'M NOT pregnant), so that made me a little concerned- I had to stop to buy food on the way home because I was shaking and so sick. I've been bringing the popcorn carbs with me ever since. Anyway, that problem is hopefully completely resolved, but I'm prepared if not!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Burned on my brain...
I can't get my "before" picture out of my head. The only reason I knew it existed is because my husband was downloading one day, and asked me if I wanted that one deleted? Luckily, my vanity did not prevail over my sanity, and I told him to save it. I wasn't embarrassed by the picture, but really intrigued by it. Was that REALLY me? My daughter looked at the pic last night and said she doesn't even remember that I looked like that (she put it delicately). So, last night, I had to, HAD TO try on the pants that I had on in that before pic. They happen to be the only "fat" pants I saved. They are a size 28. I posted the pictures of me trying on my old pants, they are at the bottom. In the new pics, I'm in a pink shirt (just in case you can't tell the "before" from "2/3 of the way there"...).
Moving on, can I just say that I wish I had time to respond to everyones blogs? There are so many, many thought provoking comments. Little Miss Sunkist asked the question "how is the band different than a diet?", and I've been thinking lots about that. Here's what I've boiled my thoughts down to. It's not different. It's a performance enhancing tool. Just like an athlete who takes performance enhancing drugs... they still are an athlete. I am a dieter. And, as the holidays plainly showed me, I am going to need to watch what and how I eat, even with my tool, if I wish to not weigh 300 pounds. That's the honest truth.
Spontaneous report: My son is going to take off on Jan 16th to teach me to ski. He was that excited... he is planning on taking off an entire day just for me, to give me private lessons. This weight loss is not only improving me, but improving so many relationships. I am going to ski with my son! Enjoy with him his passion! That is a real NSV!!!
Food report: I ended up with 1200 calories, and over 80 grams protein. Today, I'm eating a sausage & cheese bagel, rasp/choc delight yogurt, pepper jack cheese, Lean Cuisine roasted garlic & chicken, and if I get to it (which I didn't yesterday) the popcorn. That would be another 700 calories, but only 45 grams of protein. I have therapy tonight (I WILL be sharing more about that at some point), so I end up doing well on Tuesday evenings because there simply isn't time to be naughty.
Thanks for the comments, on my blog and on YOURS. You ALL are so wonderful. I'm so lucky!
Moving on, can I just say that I wish I had time to respond to everyones blogs? There are so many, many thought provoking comments. Little Miss Sunkist asked the question "how is the band different than a diet?", and I've been thinking lots about that. Here's what I've boiled my thoughts down to. It's not different. It's a performance enhancing tool. Just like an athlete who takes performance enhancing drugs... they still are an athlete. I am a dieter. And, as the holidays plainly showed me, I am going to need to watch what and how I eat, even with my tool, if I wish to not weigh 300 pounds. That's the honest truth.
Spontaneous report: My son is going to take off on Jan 16th to teach me to ski. He was that excited... he is planning on taking off an entire day just for me, to give me private lessons. This weight loss is not only improving me, but improving so many relationships. I am going to ski with my son! Enjoy with him his passion! That is a real NSV!!!
Food report: I ended up with 1200 calories, and over 80 grams protein. Today, I'm eating a sausage & cheese bagel, rasp/choc delight yogurt, pepper jack cheese, Lean Cuisine roasted garlic & chicken, and if I get to it (which I didn't yesterday) the popcorn. That would be another 700 calories, but only 45 grams of protein. I have therapy tonight (I WILL be sharing more about that at some point), so I end up doing well on Tuesday evenings because there simply isn't time to be naughty.
Thanks for the comments, on my blog and on YOURS. You ALL are so wonderful. I'm so lucky!
Monday, January 4, 2010
Holiday damage and NSV (for balance)
Weighed in this morning. Up half a pound, the scale says 195 lbs. That was pretty much what I had tallied in my head, but I was still hoping. This is my first weight gain since being banded. I'm trying to keep this in perspective, and not beat myself up, or feel like I lost it. I know it was the holidays, and food is just a part of that, and not worry about a little gain. It was ironic because some of my indulgences really weren't that fun. I allowed myself some wiggle room (obviously!), but I guess what concerns me is why I would continue even when it wasn't all that enjoyable. I'm so glad I found my "before" picture, because it reminds me of when I ate like that all the time. Constantly eating, but hardly ever enjoying. Now, I really enjoy food, most of the time.
Now for the NSV. Over the weekend, my sixteen year old daughter and I went clothes shopping. I'm not going crazy with that yet because I'm still losing, BUT when I'm at goal, I fully plan on making clothes shopping my cross addiction. Anyway, one year ago I would not have dared to hope or dream that I'd be shopping with my daughter- literally in the SAME stores. She goes for the smalls and I head straight for the XL's... but these are in teenager stores! And, I can buy them! Yes, I also plan on mid-life crisising (is that a word, probably not) by trying to dress like a teenager (mom's who wear teens jeans, anyone?)... ok, maybe not dress completely like a teen, but at least have the option if I want to! I think my daughter is stuck between being super proud of me, and terrified I'm going to fit into her clothes. With that thought, I am again focused on getting in my protein and water, and my kitchen is cleaned out of all holiday temptations, and I'm back to where I want to be.
What will I be eating today? Oatmeal, greek yogurt, cottage cheese, turkey pepperoni, sweet & spicy tuna, 100 calorie popcorn. That's 700 calories and 69 grams of protein!! I know we're not supposed to keep track of calories, but it's hard for me not to when I'm already counting protein grams. Dinner is usually about 400 calories worth of whatever I make for the family, and also one mini drumstick cone. Has anyone else tried these? They are the REAL deal, but smaller, and less than 150 calories per cone. So, even if you aren't counting calories, and you want a ice cream treat, this has been the perfect portioned controlled indulgence I've found. Yum.
Spontaneous report: I'm thinking I'm going to let my son teach me to ski. He's an avid skier, works year round at a resort... and I've never even BEEN on skis. He wants us to come stay with him later in the month, and I think he'll be so happy when I finally let him teach me. Wow.
Now for the NSV. Over the weekend, my sixteen year old daughter and I went clothes shopping. I'm not going crazy with that yet because I'm still losing, BUT when I'm at goal, I fully plan on making clothes shopping my cross addiction. Anyway, one year ago I would not have dared to hope or dream that I'd be shopping with my daughter- literally in the SAME stores. She goes for the smalls and I head straight for the XL's... but these are in teenager stores! And, I can buy them! Yes, I also plan on mid-life crisising (is that a word, probably not) by trying to dress like a teenager (mom's who wear teens jeans, anyone?)... ok, maybe not dress completely like a teen, but at least have the option if I want to! I think my daughter is stuck between being super proud of me, and terrified I'm going to fit into her clothes. With that thought, I am again focused on getting in my protein and water, and my kitchen is cleaned out of all holiday temptations, and I'm back to where I want to be.
What will I be eating today? Oatmeal, greek yogurt, cottage cheese, turkey pepperoni, sweet & spicy tuna, 100 calorie popcorn. That's 700 calories and 69 grams of protein!! I know we're not supposed to keep track of calories, but it's hard for me not to when I'm already counting protein grams. Dinner is usually about 400 calories worth of whatever I make for the family, and also one mini drumstick cone. Has anyone else tried these? They are the REAL deal, but smaller, and less than 150 calories per cone. So, even if you aren't counting calories, and you want a ice cream treat, this has been the perfect portioned controlled indulgence I've found. Yum.
Spontaneous report: I'm thinking I'm going to let my son teach me to ski. He's an avid skier, works year round at a resort... and I've never even BEEN on skis. He wants us to come stay with him later in the month, and I think he'll be so happy when I finally let him teach me. Wow.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
SPONTANEOUS
From Websters Dictionary-
"proceeding from natural feeling or native tendency without external constraint"
That's my "word" for the year. Other close runners up were "true" and "us", but "spontaneous" seemed to encompass it all. Taking the chance on surgery was for me a risky move. It probably wouldn't be for some people, but I've spent my entire adult life with as many internal as external constraints. Always putting children, career, anything other than myself first. Doing this for ME was a huge step. Along those lines, I've tried to stuff any negative feelings, and always put on my strong front for everyone, and in that process I was not true to myself. That made me physically sick (ie- fibromyalgia and fat). And, not also was I always putting myself last, but my sweet husband as well. This weight loss has made me feel happy and I feel free of a terrible physical burden. I am trying to be true to myself and accept all my feelings without judgement, which is also freeing me of heavy emotional burden. I'm making my relationship with my husband my top priority. And, I'm taking risks and doing things I never would allow myself to previously do- going on little weekend get aways, trying expensive restaurants, going out with Mr. Wonderful as often as possible, just the two of us. Everyone in my family is happier now that I'm approaching life this way. My children are so supportive of me spending time on myself, I think they can see and feel a huge difference. I will keep myself accountable by updating my blog on how I'm doing with being SPONTANEOUS in 2010.
Food for today:
Two pieces of pizza, 3 small breadsticks, 18 whoppers (that's one serving size- and then I flushed the entire rest of the box down the toilet. there's one floater in the guest bathroom, can't wait until someone comes across THAT!). Have I mentioned I can't wait to get back to our daily routine? Oh, and I weigh myself tomorrow morning... I really hope I've just held steady. Fingers crossed, MOUTH SHUT!!!
"proceeding from natural feeling or native tendency without external constraint"
That's my "word" for the year. Other close runners up were "true" and "us", but "spontaneous" seemed to encompass it all. Taking the chance on surgery was for me a risky move. It probably wouldn't be for some people, but I've spent my entire adult life with as many internal as external constraints. Always putting children, career, anything other than myself first. Doing this for ME was a huge step. Along those lines, I've tried to stuff any negative feelings, and always put on my strong front for everyone, and in that process I was not true to myself. That made me physically sick (ie- fibromyalgia and fat). And, not also was I always putting myself last, but my sweet husband as well. This weight loss has made me feel happy and I feel free of a terrible physical burden. I am trying to be true to myself and accept all my feelings without judgement, which is also freeing me of heavy emotional burden. I'm making my relationship with my husband my top priority. And, I'm taking risks and doing things I never would allow myself to previously do- going on little weekend get aways, trying expensive restaurants, going out with Mr. Wonderful as often as possible, just the two of us. Everyone in my family is happier now that I'm approaching life this way. My children are so supportive of me spending time on myself, I think they can see and feel a huge difference. I will keep myself accountable by updating my blog on how I'm doing with being SPONTANEOUS in 2010.
Food for today:
Two pieces of pizza, 3 small breadsticks, 18 whoppers (that's one serving size- and then I flushed the entire rest of the box down the toilet. there's one floater in the guest bathroom, can't wait until someone comes across THAT!). Have I mentioned I can't wait to get back to our daily routine? Oh, and I weigh myself tomorrow morning... I really hope I've just held steady. Fingers crossed, MOUTH SHUT!!!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
One and Only Before Picture
That is it. The very bottom picture, in the purple t-shirt. Me at my highest weight, 299 whopping pounds, at least that's all I ever witnessed on my scale. This was taken at my sons fourth birthday party September 30, 2008. It was right around this time that I found out my insurance plan had bought the rider to cover bariatric surgery. Seriously, I was sick with worry that they wouldn't approve me. I don't think I could have been more miserable. This kind of makes me want to rethink the "I'll eat anything I want to" post from yesterday. The holidays suck, I'm glad there's only one more day left of this weekend, and I seriously think I'm going to throw out any sugary foods we have left in the house. Holy hell.
Friday, January 1, 2010
**Holiday Eating & the Band**
I'm gonna start at the end here. I enjoy food, and plan to always enjoy food. There is nothing off limits for me. Admittedly, it made me a little nervous to be around so many rich foods as frequently as during the holidays, but I think I made it out ok. Unfortunately, I was PMSing over the Christmas weekend, which makes me
"snacky", and THAT kinda made me nervous. But, that's over, and I feel much saner and in control of my eating. We went to two movies today, I ate some popcorn during the first movie, and was interested in none of it during the second. We also went out for Mexican food, and I had a teensy bit of everything, and I was SATISFIED. This is the way life was meant to be!!!
It will be nice to get back to my regular eating habits, and back to my weight loss. I've been at a steady two pound loss per week. Sometimes it doesn't budge for a couple of weeks, and then WHOOSH, all gone. Plus, I try to be forgiving of hormonal weight. Even skinny girls weigh more during their cycles. So, my AVERAGE loss has been two pounds a week. I think I've at least held steady over Christmas and New Years. I'll find out on Monday.
So, this is what I ate today: protein bar, popcorn WITH butter, a few cheese fries, two bites of a bean burrito, one quarter of a candycane milkshake (I HAD TO DO THAT), some sugar free Halls, and some diet coke (yes, I'm naughty, SURPRISE!), and that's it. That should paint the picture of why I'm actually excited to get back to being good with my protein and water, which I usually follow religously. Except during the HOLIdays... oops...
"snacky", and THAT kinda made me nervous. But, that's over, and I feel much saner and in control of my eating. We went to two movies today, I ate some popcorn during the first movie, and was interested in none of it during the second. We also went out for Mexican food, and I had a teensy bit of everything, and I was SATISFIED. This is the way life was meant to be!!!
It will be nice to get back to my regular eating habits, and back to my weight loss. I've been at a steady two pound loss per week. Sometimes it doesn't budge for a couple of weeks, and then WHOOSH, all gone. Plus, I try to be forgiving of hormonal weight. Even skinny girls weigh more during their cycles. So, my AVERAGE loss has been two pounds a week. I think I've at least held steady over Christmas and New Years. I'll find out on Monday.
So, this is what I ate today: protein bar, popcorn WITH butter, a few cheese fries, two bites of a bean burrito, one quarter of a candycane milkshake (I HAD TO DO THAT), some sugar free Halls, and some diet coke (yes, I'm naughty, SURPRISE!), and that's it. That should paint the picture of why I'm actually excited to get back to being good with my protein and water, which I usually follow religously. Except during the HOLIdays... oops...
PiCtUrEs!!!
Oh! My! I don't think I look so good in pictures. But, there they are for all the world to see. Good thing (thank YOU band)- I only have ONE chin! My hair is so thin becaue I lost half of it... that problem seems to have slowed down, and I have baby hairs everywhere. But, it still is very thin. Hopefully, soon the rest of me will follow suit.
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