Ahhhh. It felt so good tonight to go catch up on blog reading. I've been MIA because things have been so good, not bad (in case you were worried). My work is AWESOME- I'm in a really great project, and have not had any regrets about leaving my high paying, yet dignity prostituting job. Who knew telling someone to stick it could feel SO DAMN GOOD???
We've been doing alot socially, which is why I haven't had time even on the weekends for blogging pleasure. Last weekend we had our annual Holloween party. I was Nicki Minaj and Mr. W was Lil Wayne- from the song "Knock Out". It was fun tramping it up, because isn't that what Holloween is all about? Mr. W looked sexy in his dreads and grill. Did I take pics? Maybe two- maybe I'll see if they are ok, and post. Don't hold your breath (I still have my picture issue).
So, I'll get to the point of why we are all here: weight gain. I have stated this previously, but in case you missed it- the reason I got weight loss surgery wasn't to lose weight, but to keep it off. I've been comfortable in the low-mid 170's for well over a year. No real work whatsoever at the maintenance phase.
When I was actively losing, I did count protein and calories (since I was there anyway), drank gobs of water, and weighed myself every day. The band was one of my weight loss tools. It augmented the other tools I was utilizing by helping me to recognize full signals and appropriate portion sizes.
And that's what I wanted out of my band in the maintenance phase- just a reminder of what's a "normal" way of eating (for me, which is another post in itself).
With the weight I've gained from the Mirena- it's caused me to actually have to focus on my weight and utilize other tools besides what the band can offer me in my quest. I've "almost" lost the Mirena pounds twice now. But, I have to journal what I'm eating. I weigh myself. And exercise- which I really only want to do for fun and not for weight loss, because for me that's not maintainable. I go through exercise periods, but it's never constant, and not the most reliable way of keeping weight off from my personal experience.
THE BIGGEST THING I'VE LEARNED ABOUT WEIGHT GAIN IS THIS: NOT TO BE AFRAID OF FOOD. Blogging has been where I've worked out my relationship with food. It's brain fucking to have your body reward you for over eating chemically, and then in another part of your brain feel intense loss of control and guilt. All at the same time. WTF?
So, with the lapband- I will eat yumminess, because I want to enjoy my life. I now eat yumminess responsibly! Sometimes it's saving calories. I'm not a daytime eater, so it's no biggie for me to eat less during the day, if I know I'm going to want to drink or eat something special that evening. Often times, it's portion control- a few slow savoring bites are every bit as rewarding in the brain as a pig out- without triggering the guilt portion of the brain. It's genious, no?
And, in all honesty- if the band doesn't work for me (it is supposed to be doing some work, too)- then I will not hesitate to pursue further weight loss surgery options. There seem to be so many things stacked against me in the obesity battle, that I'm willing to do what it takes on my end, to level the playing field.
I have lost my weight- at least to the point where I'm happy- 170's, size 12. I still weigh myself almost every day. When my weight goes up- I track protein and calories. It looks like I will never be one of those people who don't need to watch or be careful when it comes to their weight.
Our weights are always going to fluctuate. Our brains and fat cells are programmed with our obesity patterns. But, just like with any chronic illness- it can be managed. Even though I've been spoiled with a year of not having to watch what I'm eating, I'm willing to do it (again and forever) if necessary (damn you Mirena). I'm not cured of this disease, but my quality of life is very high.
I could go on here, but I did take my Ambien, and that often ends strangely here on my blog. My point is, let's stick together. I was reading tonight more than a few of us who are out 2 or so years worried about being a statistic. There are reasonable options for us, but we need to be realistic about where an obtainable AND maintainable place is for us to be. I'm wondering if we need to define success more accurately?