Bandless-Babe

PICTURE CAPTION:  At least when I'm fat, I have boobs. 

This is Hawaii exactly two years ago.  I was 30 lbs heavier than I am now.  I REALLY wanted to lose weight for this trip because we booked a helicopter ride over the volcano, and I was SUPER worried about having to weigh before getting on.  I was so used to being thinner and this was the first time I could sometimes feel the weight again.  It was either this trip or surgery... I'm glad I took the trip.

Anyway, clearly... the band and I failed each other.  Sooooo... I'm now the bandless-babe.  Almost seven weeks ago (June 16, 2018) I had my lapband removed (hooray!) and converted to a duodenal switch (hooray, I think!).  Blogging after my lapband helped me through a major transition period in my life, and I think this is another massive transition time for me.  I'm here again, not sure what to make of a lot of things, and maybe this will help as I transition to the band-less (and soon to be boob-less) babe.

And now...

September 2013

October 2013- grandson #2

February 2013- grandson #1

September 2013- grandaughter #1

Why I started this blog...

Blogging is no longer my thing- obviously.  I started blogging to help my brain- weight loss for me was/is in my head much more than around my stomach.  I needed a place to write all the crazy in my head- and get rational feedback from other people.  Blogging accomplished what I needed it to do.  When I first started, I always wondered- actually worried- why would anyone stop?  I can't speak for others, but for me...  my time is now being used for living life.  I used to spend ALOT of time blogging- probably an hour a day (on a "quick" day) and usually more. 

I used to be concerned that people stopped blogging because they gained weight.  I am happy to report that is NOT the case for me.  I stopped losing weight around 170 lbs, and held that for a couple of years.  Currently I'm at 163 lbs- just living- change that - ENJOYING living.  I do belong to a gym, and work out, for fun- only when I want to.  I also have started eating healthy foods, by choice, not because I'm feeling guilty.  Anyone who knows me knows that I will not give up any food I like- and that I love food.  I just eat less.  Oh, and I changed my nightly mini-sized ice cream cone to a full sized one.  :)

Work is great.  Family is non-stressful (believe it or not!)- but as eventful as ever.  I go out all of the time.  I've started traveling with friends and having some amazing adventures- which if I decide to blog again would be what I'd write about.  I started to blog to be at peace with food, and now I'm at peace with my entire life.  Nice.

So that's it- my glorious update.  I honestly think about you often, my blogging friends.  I may start sneaking quick peaks to see "what's up",  because I really do wonder.  I probably wouldn't recognize half of the community with so many new people- but that's a fabulous thing.  I still appreciate every day all of the support that I received, and am certain it's happening as strongly as ever for the newbies.  And to them I would say- lapbands can work, blogging does work, and there is a wonderful life waiting for you, which is actually starting right where you are. 

A Quest to Become Medium Sized...

This is a refreshing blog: http://xbigjimxtoxmedjimx.blogspot.com/

PS- I can't leave you comments, can you allow access?

This moment

Not everything is perfect, but I am finally at a place in my life where I have learned to focus on happiness. Alot of credit goes to me- but lots also goes elsewhere.... my band, Mr. W, therapy, and good friends. My life IS better not fat and that is the honest truth. I say all this not to be boastful, but because I am so grateful. I am chubby- size 12 is not skinny. But I feel wonderful even though I NEVER MADE IT TO GOAL.

We were at a party with some friends last night. I was talking with two girlfriends who are way thinner than me. They work out tons and watch everything they eat. They avoid bread and desserts, not just in day to day life, but always. And you know what? I think it's crazy!!!

This is where I am grateful for my band. I CAN eat half of a breadstick, or a bite of raspberry cream tart- and NOT lose control. And you know what else? I didn't feel any less attractive or sexy because I'm two sizes larger than they are.

There was a time when I would have been upset with myself for not reaching goal or be embarrassed because I have cellulite on my thighs. But HELL! I don't weigh 300 lbs and a woman in her forties is entitled to a non-perfect body! Especially because it means I can enjoy food. Did I mention I am so grateful???

I am two and a half years out from my band surgery and my band is STILL working for me. The Mirena weight is off- my weight has been stable enough for a week that I'm ready to call it good. It took me since the beginning of October. I lost about one pound per week. At first, I counted protein and calories. Now, I'm just following band rules. I eat protein first. We eat out every day- I'm back to skipping ordering if I'm not hungry, and saving or throwing away at least half of my meal. It's worth it! I couldn't do that without help from my band.

I am learning to enjoy the here and now and am creating my own life. It has been a struggle for me to finally to discover all of this- and as frustrating as it is that it took me so long, I am so grateful to finally be here in this moment.

Worried about weight gain???

Ahhhh. It felt so good tonight to go catch up on blog reading. I've been MIA because things have been so good, not bad (in case you were worried). My work is AWESOME- I'm in a really great project, and have not had any regrets about leaving my high paying, yet dignity prostituting job. Who knew telling someone to stick it could feel SO DAMN GOOD???

We've been doing alot socially, which is why I haven't had time even on the weekends for blogging pleasure. Last weekend we had our annual Holloween party. I was Nicki Minaj and Mr. W was Lil Wayne- from the song "Knock Out". It was fun tramping it up, because isn't that what Holloween is all about? Mr. W looked sexy in his dreads and grill. Did I take pics? Maybe two- maybe I'll see if they are ok, and post. Don't hold your breath (I still have my picture issue).

So, I'll get to the point of why we are all here: weight gain. I have stated this previously, but in case you missed it- the reason I got weight loss surgery wasn't to lose weight, but to keep it off. I've been comfortable in the low-mid 170's for well over a year. No real work whatsoever at the maintenance phase.

When I was actively losing, I did count protein and calories (since I was there anyway), drank gobs of water, and weighed myself every day. The band was one of my weight loss tools. It augmented the other tools I was utilizing by helping me to recognize full signals and appropriate portion sizes.

And that's what I wanted out of my band in the maintenance phase- just a reminder of what's a "normal" way of eating (for me, which is another post in itself).

With the weight I've gained from the Mirena- it's caused me to actually have to focus on my weight and utilize other tools besides what the band can offer me in my quest. I've "almost" lost the Mirena pounds twice now. But, I have to journal what I'm eating. I weigh myself. And exercise- which I really only want to do for fun and not for weight loss, because for me that's not maintainable. I go through exercise periods, but it's never constant, and not the most reliable way of keeping weight off from my personal experience.

THE BIGGEST THING I'VE LEARNED ABOUT WEIGHT GAIN IS THIS: NOT TO BE AFRAID OF FOOD. Blogging has been where I've worked out my relationship with food. It's brain fucking to have your body reward you for over eating chemically, and then in another part of your brain feel intense loss of control and guilt. All at the same time. WTF?

So, with the lapband- I will eat yumminess, because I want to enjoy my life. I now eat yumminess responsibly! Sometimes it's saving calories. I'm not a daytime eater, so it's no biggie for me to eat less during the day, if I know I'm going to want to drink or eat something special that evening. Often times, it's portion control- a few slow savoring bites are every bit as rewarding in the brain as a pig out- without triggering the guilt portion of the brain. It's genious, no?

And, in all honesty- if the band doesn't work for me (it is supposed to be doing some work, too)- then I will not hesitate to pursue further weight loss surgery options. There seem to be so many things stacked against me in the obesity battle, that I'm willing to do what it takes on my end, to level the playing field.

I have lost my weight- at least to the point where I'm happy- 170's, size 12. I still weigh myself almost every day. When my weight goes up- I track protein and calories. It looks like I will never be one of those people who don't need to watch or be careful when it comes to their weight.

Our weights are always going to fluctuate. Our brains and fat cells are programmed with our obesity patterns. But, just like with any chronic illness- it can be managed. Even though I've been spoiled with a year of not having to watch what I'm eating, I'm willing to do it (again and forever) if necessary (damn you Mirena). I'm not cured of this disease, but my quality of life is very high.

I could go on here, but I did take my Ambien, and that often ends strangely here on my blog. My point is, let's stick together. I was reading tonight more than a few of us who are out 2 or so years worried about being a statistic. There are reasonable options for us, but we need to be realistic about where an obtainable AND maintainable place is for us to be. I'm wondering if we need to define success more accurately?

Hired, left hand, Maryland, cancer, and twins

Thanks for the welcome back. It's funny because I randomly think about blogging friends, mostly during day to day activities. I should start a log and post THAT. I am so glad I quite that job. So many little things and many you can only find out during unusual circumstances (aka "my life story").

Quick post tonight. I was officially hired at my old job. I've got a couple of weeks off, HR can't get everything together until that very first week in October. I have a two week vacation!

Since I do have time, I'm flying out to my parents house in Maryland on Thursday and taking my 6 year old as a birthday present. The town's fallfest is this weekend- parades, rides, food, you name it. Looks like it's supposed to rain. Booo. We'll still find plenty to do. I would really like to take him to the Smithsonian.

Since I also have time, I'm going to go get this thing that just recently popped up on my face looked at. I think it is a basal cell carcinoma. 3/10 people get it, and it has a 99% cure rate. There's probably a few people reading this that no more than I do about the subject.

Oh, I forgot to mention LEFT HAND. Did anyone else see the article on CNN today? If you eat with your nondominate hand, you will eat 30% less food. If it's something you're really not that crazy about eating (stale popcorn was the example given)- you could eat up to 60% less.

Things are right for us. We been having lots of "perfect moments". Kinda nice, wish it would stay like this, it's the way life should be. I'll enjoy it while I have it...

I am back- for good!

I have been working extremely hard during the past month at my new job. Learning lots! The traveling has not been as bad as I was dreading. My family was getting along reasonably well. Everything was coming along as expected. Until Friday afternoon. I won't bore anyone with the details, but I was put in a no win situation by my boss. There were completely false lines being drawn. When I offered my input, I was honestly told to not speak to her that way, and that I was being defensive and kept interrupting. Ok. Obviously this person does not know me. At all. It was made very clear that she was not interested in hearing anything other than what she had already made up in her mind. The lines of two way communication and direct problem solving were slammed shut. Hard.

This interaction blew the wind right out of my sails. My learning curve has been moving along quickly, and I found lots of enjoyment in things that I was told I would not like. I'm sure there's plenty of help and correction that could be given to me at this point. I'm tired and probably not explaining this well- but as Mr. W put it- I am willing to work too hard, and give too much- for anyone to treat me in such a condescending manner.

No money is worth it. Some of the most wealthy people I know, are also some of the most unhappy people I know. I do not need to take what is tantamount to abuse, just to make money. I was happy at my old job, and they are eager to have me return. I must be spoiled, but this is the first time in my career that I've ever encountered this level of... I don't even know what to call it. But I know that I don't need to put up with it.

So, my previous job is willing to take me back. It would be great if it could be Monday morning, but we'll have to get through some HR stuff. I called the trainer at my new job, and let her know my intentions. I wasn't sure who to send my resignation to in the HR department. I also want to try to determine if it is better to stay for two weeks, or just go since I'm in training and it's really a waste of everyone's time and money for me to stay. I think I'll be at home on Monday...

It's weird, but I feel as comfortable in my decision to leave this job as I did with my decision to go to it. I've gained a course on some important concepts in this industry, and some new ways of looking at some very dynamic situations. I've lost nothing here. Strangely, I did not see this coming. It took the wind out of my sails completely on Friday afternnon, but I'm not stressed or worried, and the right thing to do is very clear.

Good news- my bloat is finally good, my stomach looked great in jeans this evening. I might try to weigh myself tomorrow- it's been well over a month. I feel empowered to spend some time watching what I eat, and I'm ready to lose a little more weight.

I'm getting tired, but I did want to announce that I'm back. And happy about it. I'm excited to read what's been going on with everyone. I've missed this part of my life alot.

This is it... & thank you

Life as I know it will never be the same after tomorrow. It's my last day working for the company I've been with for eight years. My husband works for the same company, and we've been driving to work together for years- sometimes it's the only time we get with each other. Of course I've been doing the countdown... "this is the last Thursday we'll ever do this" kind of thing. And at work, I just pretend like everything is normal, and that there will be another day. After tomorrow, there isn't.

I'm excited to get started in my new job... mainly to get over the first few months- quickly. I like to be good at what I do, but I also love to learn- which means I need to do things I'm not good at yet. I am absolutely beyond happy to get this experience. I fly out to Philadelphia on Sunday, and then I officially start on my next chapter in life.

Did I mention that my stepson has come to live with us? We were able to get him into the same private school that our six year old goes to, and I think this is going to work out very well. We had such a nice visit over the summer- honestly the first enjoyable visit probably ever. Not that it was the kids fault- it was usually a mix of many unfortunate factors. Anyway, I think with me being gone alot, it's going to give Mr. W and his sons time together without my interference. I don't believe in coincidence, and this is could be an unbelievable opportunity.

Weight. It's still up from the Mirena weight, but edging back down. I'm a little frustrated because I'm not eating differently than before... my body really is reacting differently. I'm down two of the five pounds, and will hopefully get the rest off soon. I feel really chubby and I think I look bloated. I really don't want a battle over this, and am hoping this weight resolves itself while I'm alone. I'm a social eater, and don't really eat unless other people are around. Ugh. I've so enjoyed this past year and not having to fight to be at a weight I was ok with (170-175, depending on the time of month). I'm freaking if I see 180. I am truly, honestly and really happy at around 170.

This is really it. The last night I'm going to be able to blog like this. Comfy, cozy, snuggled up in my bed... hurrying before the ambien hits... reading "just a couple" of blogs... I'll still blog, but everything in my life will be different, and I think even better. If I haven't said it in awhile- thank you band, for giving me my life back, and in some ways a new life. Thank you.

Now it's bloggers fault!

The inability to leave comments cascaded into the inability to access my blog correctly altogether. And then I just kind of gave up with it. I did want to mention how much I appreciate the comments from new (to me) bloggers.

I am in the last two weeks of my current job. Furiously ending projects, passing them onto the service providers, training people like mad, and trying to organize the way I should have been all along. It blows my mind that one year ago, I knew I needed just one amazing project to stand out- and hit the jackpot with my very first assignment. I was in disbelief even while it was happening that it was what it was. And I was able to deliver on everything after that, and one year later- I feel like I can blow it out of the water. I'm excited to take my skills to the next level. I have had amazing mentoring and education, and have worked my ass off.

I've also been getting ready for my new job almost every second that I'm not at my old job. My new license picture is HORRIBLE, but I LOVE IT. I'm not 300 lbs in it! Just a little bit startled. Yes!

Shopping has become an ironic punishment from hell. I've had to do so much of it, and since the things I need generally are not on sale, I'm extremely picky. For full price, clothes have to almost transform me. Here's a hint: I've been purposely shopping without make-up on, because if I can look great in an outfit without it... I know it will only be even better when I wear it for real.

Oh, and I also had the bright idea to get Mirena (IUD) so I don't get my period while I'm traveling. I asked my doctor if she thought that was a crazy idea, and she said that other women had done it for the same reason. When I had one previously, I wasn't mental, it cleared my skin, and I never had my period. This time however- I'VE GAINED WEIGHT. Five ligitimate pounds. I AM NOT A HAPPY CAMPER ABOUT THIS. The only things that are keeping me from ripping it out myself are 1) I know side effects generally wear off (and I'm only about 4 weeks into this) and 2) I will be traveling, and probably not eating, and that will hopefully take this stupid weight off. I have not done a real thing to maintain my weight loss, but I have not ruled out having to actually count calories or put some effort into this if my weight doesn't normalize.

The kids all start school right around the time I start my job. My step-son unexpectedly came to live with us. The month we spent with the kids this summer was so good- we gave him an open invitation. Much to everyone's surprise, his mother (a general term for her...) agreed. So, we're putting him in the same private school that our 6 year old goes to. Expensive, but worth the peace of mind. He gave us zero grief about the decision, and while I know he's a teenager and will often act like one, I think he's going to do very well with all of this.

It seems like there has been so much else going on. Literally not a second to spare, but it's all been positive. Even with the weight gain, I still wear the same size, and clothes look fine. The weight is water, I can see the "bloat"...gross. Anyway, other than THAT, everything is good. And I've still been sneaking in reading blogs, even though I was ticked, and blogger refused to cooperate on my end. Now I'm off to read a little more, and go.to.sleep!

Damn you all!

Why must you be so interesting? Sometimes when I only have a few minutes, I go to check blogs really quickly- and get sucked in by so many damn interesting posts- for more than a few minutes. Tonight I didn't even try to comment, so I have no idea if that's fixed or not. Did I miss a post where this was explained by some brilliant blogger or other?

So, Utah pretty much sucks. I need to get a new license before my new job and traveling. My current picture is of me at my highest weight- 130 lbs ago. When I fly, TSA look at my license, then at me, then back at my license, then back at me... also happens at less critical places all the time. Plus, my vain side doesn't want to show up to my new job and have anyone there see me looking like that. No way...

Back to why Utah sucks. In order to get a replacement picture/license- I have to have my social security card, certified copies of: my birth certificate, marriage certificates x 3, divorce decrees x 2, and of course two pieces of official mail at my current address. CERTIFIED COPIES of 6 (SIX) documents to proove who I am. That takes time AND money, my friends. I believe I now have everything necessary- and will soon have the priveledge of visiting one of our lovely and ever efficient DMV offices...

Joy! In band news, nothing new. Maintaining. No exercise. Have increased veggies a bit. Trying to decrease alcohol a bit. I think this is the way it should be. No craziness with food.

Ok, so I'm going to go do the official work I got on my laptop to do, before all you damn bloggers took up so much of my time. ;)

It's like getting paid to eat chocolate...

My new job starts on August 22nd. I should get the offer in writing next week. The negotiation thingy worked- crazy. I'd have done it for a whole lot less. I want the JOB, the money is secondary. Although it's very nice to feel tangibly valued. Honestly, for me this will be like getting paid to eat chocolate.

I'm thinking I want to actually start watching what I eat- as in no junk, and eat for nutrients and quality AND also start running, specifically for the health benefits. There's about six weeks until I start my job, and my goal is to feel healthy and strong. I want to do this because I'm starting to think I'm worth the investment. Yes, stinky thinking dies hard. My band is being wonderful and it's beyond nice to not be controlled by food.

Our house has been a zoo this week. My step son's 16th birthday was on the fourth, so we had a houseful of people, food, and fireworks (which were outside!). My sister and b-i-l and their new (18mos!) baby are visiting from California. My son is here to see an orthopedist, and everyone will be here tonight... the rest of the weekend is just as (actually more!) insane.

Blogger is naughty. My blog freezes- and I can't leave comments. Pffffffffffffft on you blogger. :(

Negotiations... ?!?

The job offer salary is almost double what I'm making. The woman extending the offer asked if I was ok with the numbers... so, I countered- because it seemed like that was what she was asking me to do. If they meet my counter at all, I will be shocked- the original offer was more than I even dreamed of, however I didn't want them to think I was a push over. Anyway, I guess these are the games we play...

THANK YOU BAND FOR HELPING ME REACH MY GOALS. I knew my band would pay for itself. Women can't afford to not take care of themselves- this surgery for me will be a huge return on investment. In retrospect, I couldn't afford to NOT do this. Living life feels better than eating and all that other shit. I'm so happy to be at this point in my life. Happy!

Dream job called, again

The job was offered to me today.

So, now's probably a bad time to ask... but any thoughts on jobs that require all travel? I knew what it was when I hit "send"- I know it will be difficult, but for the experience- I figure it will be well worth it. Any last "hell no, don't do its" ???

Mr. W says I'll do just fine because I'm used to doing hard things... huh, huh, huh- (insert sexual inuendo here).

On the positive side, I need to buy clothes. My current boss is so sweet- we went suit shopping over the weekend. It's weird for me to buy things without looking for a sale. But, it's awesome fitting into, and looking half way decent in clothes. Although I have to admit I still always check out the plus size clothing... just to see what's there...

Can you believe it was a year ago?

We had a big birthday party today for my grandson's first birthday. Needless to say this year has felt like it's flown by. The baby is now a little boy, and my little girl is now a grown woman... oh, that's weird to say...

She really went to alot of trouble and planning to make this party special, and she did a terrific job. She insisted on making capcakes and frosting from scratch- which turned out delicious, but I think she's going to make things much simpler for herself with future birthday baking, etc...

It was a lovely day, but the mix of people was bizarre, and I'm an emotional cripple (ugh). Let's recap who was there? Baby's dad (who I have not seen in a year), his parents (who adopted him), his aunt (who is really his birth mother), her children, their grandparents (divorced), the grandfather's parents (about 100 years old), other aunts and cousins from the dad's side. Also in attendance was my daughter's dad (my ex-husband), my ex m-i-l-, my ex-husband's daughter (from the woman he cheated with), my in-laws (baby's step-grandparents), my sister & her family, my brother & his family, my husband's children (baby's step-aunt and step-uncle), a few other friends of my daughter's- and I think that's close to everyone.

Tonight my step-daughter and my ex-husband's daughter are having a sleepover in our downstairs family room together. Who would have guessed that scenario? Not me. This whole day was just so strange- and I did my shut down thing again. I really hate that. I wish I didn't get that way because I looked pretty good, my career is awesome, I have a fabulous husband, and everything about the party was wonderful. It would make more sense to take the perfect opportunity to go around and gloat- but I just emotionally retreat. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

I was overwhelmed and I've been absolutely exhausted this week. Trying to knock stuff out of the ball park at work. I got an email from the recruiter for the job I interviewed for, and also from the VP who flew me out- both saying they were just checking references. Which I assume means that they are going to offer me the job? Well, as long as my references are favorable, and they WILL be good. My current boss is completely supportive, and gives me lots of positive feedback. I will feel bad if I leave her, but she understands that the political climate of our organization is what it is, and that this could be the opportunity of a lifetime. I told the HR guy he was welcome to call any of my previous employers (because I know they'll all give me stellar reviews).

Anyway, I'm physically and emotionally exhausted, and I wish I had not been so introverted today, and I feel like I'm walking a tight wire, and hopefully I'll get lots of sleep tonight, and rest tomorrow, and my life will go back to a little slower pace. Or not, if I get this new job. I know I must secretly thrive on stress. But, good thing is... I'm only chubby now... and my stomach is flat... which I love every single day. I could use some lipo and a boob job, but all in good time...

Even if I didn't do so well today, it was still neat to see all these people get together for one very loved little guy. Each year brings things I never would have guessed... life is truly stranger than fiction...

Are you too nervous to eat?

That was the question I got at the interview breakfast today... and I was trying to eat, but I'm a picker now... however I did eat all of my bacon... one bite of toast (and that's an accomplishment as many bandsters can attest to), and a couple of bites of egg. We went to a diner type of place, so the choices were limited. I actually wasn't nervous, and thanks to some good advice, I just said I wasn't much of a breakfast eater, and that the food was delicious, and left the explanation at that.

The presentation went well, and I think the interview process was good. I go on automatic pilot, and just cross my fingers that I'm stringing words and sentences correctly! The feedback was positive, yet I still wonder if they were just being nice to let me down easily. The very last thing we discussed was salary and start dates, and we were on the same page with those. I'd like to think that was a positive sign. Honestly, I've never not gotten a job I've gone for, and I don't know how I'd handle that. I think I'd be fine. I'm a believer in everything happening for a reason. They'll let me know by next week...

So I'm back at my parents for all of six hours, and we've already resumed the food tour of my home town. It appears I actually didn't get to everything last month when I was here. This is when I love my band. It's a broken record coming from me, but it's awesome to be friends with food. I can enjoy a little of everything. Food really does seem to be love for families and that seems to be a universal thing. And I love food. Wow, that's alot of love here.

It's a relief the interview process is over, and I'm going to take it easy for awhile. I've been putting so much time and emotional energy into it- I'm glad it's done. I fly back to Utah on Saturday, and Mr. W and I have a Poison/ Motley Crue concert on Sunday. Did anyone see
"Hot Tub Time Machine"? These was were the two of the bands featured in that movie. We love all things 80's- even if I wasn't a headbanger when I was a teenager- it's fun to go back. My dad asked me "who goes to these concerts?" ...and I told him the PTA. It's true- who let's all the parents into these shows???

I'm off to see if blogger will update and then spend some time reading posts. I'm still a terrible commenter, but I'm actually a good reader! It's fun, and I'm constantly learning and enjoying following everyone's journeys. I wonder if I'll ever lose interest, but I don't think so. I'm going to go snag some Ben & Jerry's really quick, because I'm good calorie wise. This is shaping up to be a very relaxing night!

Breakfast !?!

My interview next Thursdays is scheduled to start- with breakfast!?! I can't eat in the mornings. I think I can eat oatmeal without needing to head for the restroom. Is it wrong that I don't want first introductions to include eating issues? Help !?!

Band update: Well, there really isn't one. Weight is steady- for well over a year now. Still eat whatever I want- just smaller portions. Size 12- top and bottom. Restriction remains. Everything and every reason I got my band for is happening- physical and mental health, clothes and shopping, fitting into society better (literally and figuratively), and obtaining what I thought I needed to progress professionally.

But, I am admittedly abnormal in my ability to eat- and I am also admittedly not sure how to deal with this in a new social situation. Can't I just pretend I was never fat?

Congratulations!

Today my daughter graduates from high school! She's really gotten her act together, and I'm proud of her accomplishment. The expectation was for no less than this, and what I'm the most proud of to this point, is that she's registered for all of her college classes in the fall. From my experience (or lack of)- education will be key for her to live a fulfilled life.

Speaking of lack of education... my face to face interview is on June 16th in Philadelphia. They don't usually interview people with "your profile". I GET IT! But, someone is smart enough to see that I am more than capable. The phone interview went very well. I think "who" I knew was what convinced them of "what" I knew. That's kind of a bummer because I was excited to talk shop with someone. The face to face is just to make sure that I dress professionally (HOW I LOOK- THANK YOU BAND), that I can handle myself professionally (it's only eight hours a day!?!), and that I can give a damn good presentation (and I can).

It's strange to think that only two weeks ago my grandmother passed away, and all the emotion that went along with that. Here we are now- life goes on and the good comes after the difficult. I want lots of good things for my daughter's life, and today marks that beginning.

Dream job called

Got home Sunday afternoon- flying is so much easier on me now that I've lost weight. Good thing, because my dream job called- and I'm that much closer to flying all the time.

On my way into work on Monday, I called the HR/recruiter person AGAIN. Holy hell, they answered the phone! The guy called me back (well, actually they ditched me again- but I called him- HA HA)- and honestly it was a little bit awkward. He thought I was DOA because of my education level. But, an hour later, HE CALLED ME. One of the VP's was "really interested".

This afternoon I got a call from someone NOT in HR/recruiting, telling me how sorry she was that she was getting back to me so late but that she herself had just seen my resume, and they were "really interested" and she didn't want me to think that they weren't. She said those exact words. She was in an airport catching a flight, and she's going to call me tomorrow for a phone interview and basically to set up a time to meet. I think she WILL actually call me.

I'm excited to talk with someone who will be excited (and UNDERSTAND) what I do! Usually people's eyes just gloss over with overwhelming boredom- but I love what I do and this little niche, and I think this conversation will NOT be awkward, and I'm looking forward to it. I just want to get to it!

So, I may be flying back out to my parents. Things are still good.

Anger & Beauty

My grandmother looked absolutely beautiful today (technically yesterday, it's Sunday morning where I am, and the world appears to still be here). My grandma looked truly beautiful this last time that I was able to see her. I have to say that my mom and I picked a lovely dress for her, and she had on her pearl necklace and earrings. The funeral home did her hair and make-up so well... she looked natural and peaceful and pretty.

There was no end of the world blow up, at least in my family. I leave in four hours, and I've been at home for seven entire days with no one fighting. I've seen my sister upset, but not over anything new, not on this particular trip anyway. I'm terrified to let my guard down with my mom, but even after my extremely upset and angry blog last night, there's still a part of me that wants to believe that my mom is capable of unconditional love and that things have improved.

I don't know if there's been closure and resolution. On some things I think there have been, but I'm still processing. My mom and dad keep trying- they spend lots of money on travel for all of us to see them, and to see each other. I want to just give them a break, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to make myself that vulnerable. If that makes sense.

The service for my grandma was as beautiful as she was. It was held outdoors at a little church in the country that was built in the 1740's. The weather could not have been more perfect- seventy degrees and sunny. She is now buried with three of her four children. I felt like the words that were spoken were a beautiful tribute and captured who she really was, minus all of the emotional burdens she carried. It wasn't so much about not saying bad things, but forgiving and understanding that those were not who she was, but something she sadly carried.

I'd like nothing more than to believe that my mom is doing the best that she can with the baggage she carries. Even though I understand that it's "not me"... it's difficult when it hurts me... and it also takes a physical toll on me that I can't really afford to pay. I want to just get over it, let it go, forgive & forget... if only it were that easy.

For this very moment, beauty has overcome anger.