Appointment Day

So, I meet with my surgeon today. I want a little top off on my fill. And, I have questions. Lots of questions. Such as-

*Can I get my stomach work done NOW? (No further wgt loss)
*How much is this going to cost?
*Has he been able to get my insurance company to pay for any of these yet?
*Would he recommend muscle work, or just skin? (Since that's all I'm really worried about)
*How much does a belly button cost? (I have a friend who opted out of one to save money... is that just freakish?)


Spontaneous:
I loved Barbara from Bucks County's post yesterday. Her rules for life. Here's my paraphrase: 1)no dieting 2) less work 3)simplify 4)live in the moment. I also read a good article on CNN yesterday about the show "The Buried Life"... which I haven't seen, but I like the premise. I don't have a "bucket list" per se, but I have been trying to make decisions based on what I'll think about them when I'm old.

So, that means- eating food, working less and not stressing about it, cutting out the un-important things in my life, and... being spontaneous. So, today... I'm also getting my hair done. Yes, two appointments in one day, and I'm not even taking the day off.

Now that I'm looking better, I've also decided that I want to take more pictures of my family, and of myself. Because I've been overweight, I've pretty much stopped all picture taking. Which is so sad, because I may be sorry about that, and all the other pictures I may have missed out on. I'm going to buy a new camera this weekend.

Food:
Had a Zone bar this morning, brought a couple of greek yogurts w/ honey (cause of the fill this afternoon), and will be on liquids tonight. Or creamy stuff. Surprise, I'm not all the way compliant!

Goodbye Diet Towne, Hello Maintenanceville!

So, a while back there was this awesome blog post where some chick wrote about how she "didn't get the band to LOSE weight, but to KEEP IT OFF". Oh, wait... that was ME. This is exactly why I blog...thank you for all the words of encouragement as I try to get my head straight about my weight. I do have faith in my Babette. It's the Babe (me) part I'm still trying to understand. I really used to think if I wasn't losing, then I was gaining. That is not only a hideous diet mentality, but can really set you up for an eating disorder. When I was thinking that way, I was running lots, and ended up losing 160 pounds, going from 280 to 120 pounds. I wasn't dieting, though. Because I wasn't eating (unless I had to). Unfortunately, even with my band, I will probably always have to be in tune with what and how much I'm eating. When I've tested my band... she's really pulled through. But, as we all know, we can sabatoge the effects of our band. Which, I have not done.

My past has really screwed with the way I view normal eating. Whatever that is. This time I'm trying to not be all crazy strict about food... I'm trying to eat what I honestly think I can continue to eat for the rest of my life. This way is obviously not the epitome of the perfect and terricially balanced healthy diet, BUT IT'S DOABLE I'M GOING FOR THIS FINAL TIME. I can do this... with Babette... and your support... and if I remember for two minutes the things I'm learning...

Alot of this has to do with my appointment tomorrow. I'm stressed because I haven't lost anything in almost three weeks. And mathematically, weight loss should have happened. 184 is my new 191... remember that? I sure do! Also, I think my surgeon had wanted me to lose more weight before my tummy surgery... and I'm not sure I'm willing to eat any less than I am right now, and I'm obviously not losing. Circles here, sorry. I am estimating my excess skin weighs ten pounds... there's alot of it. I posted a picture of it months ago, and it's worse now. Even though I'm not losing pounds presently, I am going down in sizes, and the smaller I get, the larger my pita flap gets. EWWWWW.

Spontaneous:
Admitting what a crazy nut I am. :)

Food:
Strawberry/yogurt Zone bar, greek yogurt & honey, steak and potatoes. 700 calories, 46 grams of protein until dinner. I did do very well not grazing last night. It's really just a matter of being mindful of what I'm doing. And I think you can see how difficult that is for this crazy nut! I appreciate you loving me anyway, I really do.

Chunky Dunk

We're looking at license plate covers for Mr. W's new car... and at this point it's just getting silly. Plain old boring might be the ticket. Not a big fan of stickers and license plate covers, but given the right one, I'd consider it. These would be examples of what I would NOT consider: "Part time tech, full time geek master", "I banged the drummer" (that one would be for MY car, of course), and my personal favorite... "I don't skinny dip, I chunky dunk". Ah ha. Ha.

Seriously, though, Mr. W is concerned about me losing too much more weight. I still have boobs and butt. There is a part of me that says stop. Well, stop after my stomach surgery.... I'm assuming that will be around ten pounds of weight, which would leave me in the low 170's. Then, there is the part of me that says take this as far as you can. I think there's alot more chunky acceptance than there was even ten years ago... but, I still feel this pressure. IT'S AS IF I'M NOT LOSING, THEN I MUST BE GAINING. How warped is that? Typical "diet" mentality?

Spontaneous:
Nada.

Food:
Eggs w/ ham & cheese & green salsa, strawberry/yogurt Zone bar, turkey w/ gravey & mashed potatoes. 700 calories, lots of protein. Don't know about dinner yet. I need to work on not snacking at night. It hasn't been horrific, but I've been grazing "just because". No PMS or anything. I don't begrudge myself a little before bed treat, but maybe not as unplanned as it's become. There's always something to work on!

Chocolate and Whootenannies

Happy Easter! I thought I'd write something tonight, since all of our festivities are over, and Mondays are historically nuts at work for me. I pb'ed at my inlaws today... had to go to the bathroom because it was ALL coming back up. And GUESS WHAT? The toilet plugged... yes, yes it did. Good god. Thanks to Mr. W because he came to my rescue. But, seriously???

I was however more than able to get down some chocolate today. I fully planned to do so. And, it was very tame. No guilt. I keep wondering what "normal" eating really is... and I think todays indulgences were definitely within normal limits. I'm going to sleep happy tonight anyway. Chocolate makes me happy.

Ha ha ha! I was just kidding about the whootenannies part. I just put that in the title so more people would read this post. It seems to be the "magic" word. I was thinking about making up some whootenanny news... but there's nothing new to report. Well, except that chocolate makes me happy (wink wink).

Pictures of "THE dress" will absolutely be posted. I'm intentionally not posting details of it... because I just want to show you. Buying clothes is so fun again. Yesterday, I think I found the shoes I'm going to wear with "THE dress". And, I also cleaned out my closet of all of my old skinny clothes. I have been lugging around these clothes for years, because I felt that getting rid of them was somehow giving up hope. But, NOW I think that I didn't do all of this to wear OLD skinny clothes! After all the worry about whether or not I'd ever be a normal size... I'm going to buy NEW skinny clothes. I am going to enjoy this for all it's worth.

Sweet Dreams

Have you ever watched an older dog in REM sleep and wondered if they were dreaming about when they were a puppy and could run and frolick and play? Well, around the time I was getting my lapband, I would have dreams about skinny clothes shopping. Looking through racks of clothing, and happily picking armfuls to try on, with no worry about anything fitting or looking anything other than good. Like it used to be before I weighed almost three hundred pounds. I also had this one fabulous dream that I was on the Riviera, in a bikini, and caught my reflection in a window... and nodded approvingly to myself because I liked what I saw. It wasn't perfect, but it was very decent. I even had a scar from my stomach surgery...

I bring these up because those dreams are pretty much a reality for me now. It was so delightfully strange for me to be shopping this week for a black tie event. Especially because I wasn't in any fat sections. I'm definitely on the heavy end of normal... but I am NORMAL. I could pick any dress that I LIKED... not just whatever meager matronly fat girl clothes were begrudgingly offered for my consideration. I share this not to gloat, but to give hope. If you've ever read even one post of mine, you've probably got a fairly clear picture of what I expect from my band. I'm not going to diet. I can't. I've tried, and failed. Over and over again. And now... I'm living my dreams. So, if I can do it... YOU will also do it. If you are struggling with your band because it seems so slow... it is... but that's ok. YOU WILL GET THERE.

Spontaneous:
Mani and pedi. All alone with a good gossip magazine... heaven...

Food:
Ham & cheese omelette, zone bar, jalapeno poppers, chocolate cake. I'm at about 1500 calories for the day. I get a fill on Wednesday. Believe it or not, I am a little hesitant to lose very much weight in the next two weeks because my "dress" aka "THE dress" is a size 14, and fits perfectly at the moment, but I'm afraid a few pounds might make it too big. Don't you just hate when that happens? I AM LIVING THE DREAM!!!

Beverly Hillbillies

Is the perfect charity gala dress any less wonderful if you pay only $17 for it? No joke. I spotted this amazing little number from accross the crowded sales floor. I couldn't keep my eyes off of it. There was ONE in my size. I quickly grabbed it. My heart was pounding as I walked casually to the dressing room, so as not to appear overly excited. I took several dresses with me... but was only interested in one. It was the very first dress I would try on, and on it went... amazing color, cut, style... looked FABULOUS without looking like it was "trying". I was buying it... price was not a factor. I not so casually ran to the counter to pay for this perfect specimen of a dress. And it rang up at $17... I was ready to pay 20X that amount. It was as if heaven and earth moved, and the shopping gods provided divine intervention to almost GIVE me this dress, because we were obviously destined to be together. Now I can relax and have fun with accessories, lingerie, and shoes. And, when I get tons of compliments... and I WILL get tons of compliments... I will be proud to admit what I paid. I'm not about cheap buys, but I am ALL about great buys!

I'm realizing that this gala event is way out of my league. I don't care, it's going to be fun. But, they have started sending the silent auction information out... yeah... not going to happen for us. Amazing vacations, evenings w/ local notables, all very much out of my price range. Is it wrong that I'm willing to spend thousands of dollars on my skin surgery, but not on charity? I feel like I'm working with this population every day, and do my best to help these families to save health care dollars every day, so I'm doing my part? I can't help but to think how much I've put into losing weight... time and energy and MONEY. I feel very justified in this pursuit, but every once in a while, I think how nuts it kind of really is.

Spontaneous:
Another day I'm not worrying about it. Isn't that spontaneous in and of itself?

Food:
Activia & cottage cheese mix (yum), Zone bar, more Thai chicken and noodles (another yum). Last night, I bought my kids Easter baskets, and some candy. But not much. I'm realizing that I used to buy gobs of candy... for ME. They didn't really eat that much candy. I would "give" it to them, and then eat it myself. Amazing how they always ended up with MY favorites in their baskets and eggs? Coincidence? I think NOT. This year, I actually bought what THEY liked, and only enough pieces for 24 eggs. Twenty four PIECES of actual candy? That is stellar my friends. I can still have some, if I want. But, what sanity is this? Hooray! Happy Easter weekend, or long weekend, or whatever you celebrate... as long as it's band friendly! XOXO

Thursday Weekday Dish

Here ya go:

BREAKFAST:
Bagel w/ egg & cheese & bacon
Hash browns
Large diet coke

SNACK:
Handful of cookies
Diet coke

LUNCH:
Bacon Cheeseburger
Fries
Large diet coke

SNACK:
Candy bar
More diet coke

DINNER:
Fried chicken
Mashed potatoes & gravy
Mac & cheese
Biscuit
Diet coke

SNACK:
Breyers Mint chocolate chip ice cream


April Fools day? Yup. Unfortunately, fairly accurate of how I was eating at my heaviest. All about satisfaction, but rarely getting any. I was a Rolling Stone. More like an AVALANCHE... Anyway, thought I'd post THAT for a good laugh... ha ha ha. Typical American fast food diet. It's hard for me to believe I got that bad. I grew up in an organic, full grain, little animal products, hippie kitchen long before it was in fashion. I know better than to eat the way I was eating. The big question? WHY??? Lucky for you, I'm not in the mood to broach that subject today. Let's just keep this at funny? Did I say "ha ha ha" already?