Thinking...

Tomorrow marks one year of Band-Babe blogging. Honestly, that was a HUGE step for me to take. I've never, ever been one to put it out there. I'd never told anyone how much I'd weighed, how much I'd lost, much less my thoughts and feelings about any of it. And I'm grateful every day since then, that I took that chance. I simply would not have been as successful with my band and weight loss, and now maintenance, without blogging. Period. I needed this, I needed you, more than I could have known.

One of the reasons I decided to blog, is because I wanted this time to be different. If I always did the same things, I'd always get the same results. Cliche, but unfortunately (or fortunately) true. And blogging helped me to stumble to the realization that half of my personal band journey was physical, and the other half was mental. Yes, I "knew" that, but I didn't understand that. Writing my craziness, and my saneness, and sharing in yours- has helped me to work things out with myself and my relationship with food.

Many of us chose words for 2010- for many reasons, mine was "spontaneous"- doing things I wouldn't have normally done. Going for it. Going for life. Obesity wasn't just killing me, it was keeping me from living. Getting banded was a big decision for us, it was financially a stretch. But, I did it anyway. And it worked...

So, why not blogging? Why not skiing (for the first time in my life)? Why not shop like a teenager (ok, maybe this one isn't so great)? Why not go for my professional dreams? Why not go to concerts? Parties? Oh my god, I can do anything I want. Anything.

Now, I'm thinking of a word for this year. I'm done with spontaneous, but I need something ambitious. I'm a "what now?" kinda girl (thanks for reminding me Gilly). So, what now??? I'm still thinking about this one... I hope to read more of your "words" for 2011 for inspiration.

some dumb title

It's over and I did alright. This weekend had to be as magical as I could muster, for my little guy. It was delighful to watch his excitement through all of the holiday festivities. I came "this" close to skipping out on the Christmas day plans, but I went because I couldn't bear the thought of missing one single memory of his childhood.

Two Christmases ago, I was just a few months off from being banded. I was at my highest weight ever, and very sick and miserable. Last Christmas, I had lost one hundred pounds, and had made it to onderland, but was not really where I wanted to be. This Christmas, I'm good with my weight, but I didn't have the feeling I thought I would. Being thinner is wonderful (worth the price I paid), but it doesn't necessarily bring happiness.

Do you ever get the feeling that not everyone is ok with your weight loss? At one of our parties, I was actually a little rude about people saying anything about it. I believe they were sincere-ish in their compliments, but this is what I heard- "Wow, you used to be such a heffer and now you're not... good job!". Thanks?!?

At another party, a family member was passing out dessert, and I wanted a piece of pecan pie (planned, no guilt)- and she literally gave me one fifth of the pie, and then watched to see how much I'd eat. On the way home my daughter mentioned the ginormous piece, and thought it was actually going to one of the men, and was surprised it was intended for me. My band is so tight I could barely eat a few nuts off of the top. Hope it was a good show for her. I should have forced it, and pb'ed or slimed- that would have been entertaining, no?

Obviously, I haven't completely emotionally processed the weight loss, or how to handle the subject in social situations. I was a little less peeved about pictures this year, but I certainly did not feel like a million bucks or anything. I'm so grateful for my weight loss, I really am. But I'm once again reminded that true content does not come from being thin. Honestly, it helps... often, but it's not a one way ticket to happy town.

Before you think I'm ready to jump in front of a truck- I'm not. The long hours last week started a fibromyalgia flare up, pain like I haven't had in a very long time. It makes me worried because I don't want to be debilitated by this disease. I've actually been proud at how well I've gotten it under control. This has not helped my general attitude.

Two more parties, but we're going to have to choose one, and I've left this decision up to Mr. Wonderful. Then life will go back to "normal"? Either way, I know what I'm wearing... something NOT from the plus section.

If you do not think Diet Pepsi is the best drink ever, I will fight you!

Aaaaaaaaaaah. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm. Can I have another, please? For those who don’t know me, I’m a bandster that drinks soda. LOTS of soda. Diet coke sucks, and I “prefer” popcorn ice. I will drive out of my way for the best fountain drink.

Unfortunately, I have fibromyalgia, and when I’m stressed (say like, working very long hours)- I start to HURT. And I think (well I know) that caffeine makes it worse.

Fortunately, I’ve been trying to take care of myself while I’m immersed in these projects. Fighting for my sleep, and drinking WATER! Who knew? I used to be so good about it. I’m back to getting at least 120 ounces a day. I don’t hurt as badly.

Diet Pepsi tastes better.

What I ate today: Oatmeal, Thai curry and rice (lunch w/ the boss), and chocolate covered pretzels (a few!!!). Sadness, I didn’t get to the drink last night, and I don’t think tonight… but definitely this weekend. I’m in love with Pinnacle Vodka- whipped cream flavor. It’s my new drink of choice, and may just tie for the best drink ever. We seriously bought the last four bottles in the valley. Merry Christmas to me!

If the band fails?

The thought crossed my mind to try to lose weight with this fill. The diet mentality is better, but still there. My weight is back to “normal”, but I’m still about ten pounds overweight. Size twelve is not a size eight, but it’s also not a size twenty-six!

Here’s a question for you. If the band fails you in the future, would you consider gastric bypass? Losing my restriction at twenty months out, made me think about how long my band will help me. I’m estimating for a long time, but will that be for life? I have definitely made behavioral changes, but I now question my ability to keep weight off without the help of my band. My answer to the bypass question? Yeah, I think I would do it if I regained lots of weight. Not sure how many pounds it would take, but I would not wait until I weighed three hundred… it would be long before that.

Food today: Raisin, date & walnut oatmeal, onion bagel w/ cream cheese & deli ham, chocolate covered pretzels, Kit Kat (pms-ing, so sue me), and some Amy’s matter paneer will be dinner. Also plan on a couple of shots of vodka the second I get home (long hours + pms = bitch). Food calories will be 1400. I don’t know how many calories are in the drink (and don’t care).

I’m not reading, I miss that- I look forward to it, it’s my usual unwind activity right before bed. I wish I could indulge myself because I’m thinking about so many of you, but once I start- it doesn’t stop quickly. I’m being selfish in writing, but I need it for me.

Never dieting again?

Someone mentioned recently “dieting without dieting” in relationship to the band. One of the upsides of being banded, is never having to diet again? Depends on you define “dieting”?

For me, I will always need to be mindful of what I’m eating. Sometimes that’s just a series of judgement calls as I go through the day. Other times, I find it helpful to write down what I’m doing. That is monitoring my food intake, and technically dieting.

One of the main things that’s different for me this banded time around, is that I eat whatever I want. That’s technically not dieting. Huh? Here’s my clarification: I used to eat anything- I loved good tasting food (obviously) but I rarely arrived at whatever satisfaction I was attempting to feed. Now my food choices are only what I REALLY, REALLY want, and only a little bit. And, I have new found enjoyment of food that I did not have pre-band.

The parade of Christmas parties has helped me to see how this works in my life. Everywhere we went, I took roughly a tablespoonful, or a 2x2 square, or quartered serving, of everything that looked REALLY good to me (not just kinda good, or took a serving simply because it was there). I then ate only a little bit of what made it to my plate. And if a food didn’t taste as good as I expected, I did not eat it.

Ideally, I would have stopped when I was full… but we all know how to ease around restriction if we really want to- and I wanted to! Where my band was helpful in my holiday eating, is that I’m not hungry all day long (THANK YOU FILL LAST THURSDAY!!!), so when I choose to ease around my band, calorie wise- I’m good for the day. I do not choose to do this often, only on special occasions.

I used to think that my band was really a diet enhancement tool, a competitive edge, if you will. And maybe that’s what it is. But it’s stopped the “crazy” dieting for me. With restriction and lack of the majority of my hunger, I have a sense of control that helps me to enjoy food, as I truly believe we were meant to. With that control, I don’t feel guilty because I do not want to eat diet foods and I do want to eat delicious (no more naughty!) real food.

Here’s what I’m eating today (and I did count the calories):
Raisin, date &walnut oatmeal, ham & cheese omelette drowned in salsa verde, wheat thins, cottage cheese, two tangerines, ½ ham & swiss cheese sandwich, chocolate covered pretzels, frosen tortilla casserole. This is 1600 calories, which feels (and looks) like a feast of food. Since I’m now practically living at work, I packed my entire days worth of food, so I was able to count all the calories.

I don’t feel the need to go below 1600 calories to lose weight. In my first year out, I did eat only around 1400 per day. When I’m maintaining ~170 lbs, I eat between 1900-2300+ per day (I’m more active than I let on, don’t let my lack of formal exercise fool you). Anyway, my point is, I don’t think everyone needs to starve to lose weight. Only you know your body, and I know learning to listen to mine is really a new adventure.

Sweet.

Aaaaaaah. I feel much tighter, like a virgin bandster again. Sweet spot achieved… a little snug- but that has gone away after a few days with my previous fills- I’ve presumed it was a bit of swelling. Even sweeter, I can be trusted around candy! Having my restriction “disappear” and actually being hungry, was a real eye opener for me. This fill is providing such a contrast to that feeling. I was reminded of how much I rely on my band to help me. Today, I can actually have candy on my desk… and no worries! I allowed myself a couple of snack sized peppermint patties last night (if they melt in my mouth, they are liquid?!?)… and I could barely suck down two of them.

The NP at my surgeon’s office was fabulous. I’d never been to see her before, but she is excellent. She found my tilted port. All 4cc’s were there, and she added 1cc. My plan was to ask for 0.5, and I thought she’d think that was too much. I asked her how much she was thinking about adding, and she said “oh, I never give more than 3cc’s at a time”. What? What? She also said “come back tomorrow if this isn’t enough, because one day hungry is one day too many”.

AND, she did the obligatory “wow, you’ve done such a great job” (even though she’d never seen me before)- and I have to admit it felt really good, especially because they “get” the journey. Am I the only one who dreamed about that moment? At my first appointment, it was hard to hope and believe, that one day I would come into that same waiting room… much thinner! It was my dream! Maybe being this size is becoming more routine (gasp) for me, because I wasn’t expecting a big reaction from the staff. It honestly caught me off guard. I guess they really haven’t had a chance to see me very often, and it did look like it was a slow afternoon for them. Anyway, it felt good.

This renewed restriction is well timed. I was stressing the sugar cookie making that we’ll be doing over the weekend. And the parties. And the dreaded Christmas stocking? Hanging there, full- and untouched. Except for the peanuts- protein… good choice, huh? I’m obviously getting a little blogging in… at work… I need to focus elsewhere for a few minutes. I’m trying to think if I’ve hit my plan or not. I think I have. Fill- check. Stocking- check, thanks to fill. Mindful eating- check, thanks to fill. Blogging- check, even if it is on borrowed time. ;)

What I ate today: vanilla yogurt, provolone cheese, half a piece of pizza, two worth the calories chocolate truffles, one ounce salted peanuts, valiant attempt- several bites- of sweet & sour pork w/ rice, and I'll probably try another peppermint patty or two. I don’t think I’ll be drinking this weekend (not in the mood, really?), and I think I’ll do fine at the parties. Scale is back to where it should be. Whew.

Stocking of HORROR

IAP progress:

1) I got guilted into putting my stocking at work back up. !@#$%^&*. Let's hope this fill tomorrow wipes out hunger completely, or this is going to be more of a battle than I'd care to deal with.

2) I "know" I need a fill, but I'm sceeered! I haven't had a fill since the beginning of April. I didn't even get "restriction" until January or February- 10+ months after surgery. Tomorrow afternoon...

3) I'm going to start journaling on my blog what I eat (again). I used to do a quick summary at the end of every post. It kept me accountable, and I know I like reading on other blogs what you are eating, because then I get band friendly food ideas for variety. There was an article in our local paper yesterday about how a food diary is really the best way to lose weight. "Diet" food wasn't advocated, just being aware of what you're eating... and slow weight loss. Oh, and a super great tool- like my band! A recipe for success...

4) It looks like I will be losing my blogging time, and any sort of life, until the end of the year. It's a work issue- and it involves budgets, government projects, and executive summaries, and never leaving work. This is good for me. This is good for me. This is good for me.

So, half of my Indulgence Avoidance Plan will work. Two things that work are better than nothing.

Here's what I ate today (and how I "know" I need a fill):

oatmeal, greek yogurt & honey,runts (candy... !@#$%^&*), prime rib, half a baked potatoe, roll & butter, green beans (in sauce!), two chocolates (from the box I was going to give my sister... I'm thinking it will be hilarious to put "IOU"s in the empty spots and still give it to her... ha ha ha), three fritos, and for my farewell dinner before my fill... brown rice (I just try to ignore that it's healthy-ishy and just enjoy the nutty flavor) w/ half a stick of butter (going out with style...) w/ loads of salty soy sauce... that's actually a comfort food for me that I grew up with. Weird, but that's me. Do you think I might need a fill?

Combo's and Candy Cane Frenzy

HOLIDAY IAP (Indulgence Avoidance Plan):

1) Get a fill! Fill #5 scheduled for this Thursday. Why wait until January? I don't know what I was thinking. Oh, and I think Thanksgiving caught up with me. WTF? Two weeks later, but the scale is now up two pounds. Real weight gain- indulging seemed like such a good idea at the time. I keep asking my husband if the scale is saying he's gained weight (in hopes that the scale is wrong about me)- but his weight has remained the same. Goody for him. :(

2) Take down my stocking at work. My work/weekdays are when my eating is more controlled, and I rely on that. I cannot bring the goodies home, an I can't think of anywhere else to dump it. I'm fine having candy around... until I'm not. I told my boss what my plan was, and she proceeded to tell me that she thinks she ate 5,000 calories yesterday, and right now I honestly think I could the same thing.

3) Be mindful. I need to acknowledge when I'm struggling, without panicking. That's new. Weight will always be a concern for me, but hopefully not a worry. If that makes any sense. I need to be aware of what I'm putting in my mouth in the evenings and on the weekends as well as during the day. And hope my Ambien eating isn't too bad. My daughter texted me this morning to say "someone" went on a Combo's & Candy Cane frenzy last night. Hmmmm...

4) Blog and learn. Blog and learn, baby. Thanks for the thoughtful advice, I appreciate the help and support. I fully credit BOOBS for the majority of the mental success I have had in dealing with my weight issues. Having the physical help from my band is wonderful, but almost meaningless without addressing the mental emotional aspects. THANK YOU!!!

Did you? Do you?

Curiosity is going to be the end of me. But, I have to ask... did you get your band thinking you'd keep your weight off? Honestly, I did. From the beginning, my intent was to use my band to keep weight off. I knew I could lose weight on my own. It was keeping it off where I had difficulty.

And did you get your band thinking there would be no effort on your part? Why would anyone go to the trouble- time, expense,and recovery of a surgical intervention- only to end up not following at least some of the basic rules for success? Sometimes I'm naive, and very black & white, but I was just wondering what other peoples expectations were compared to the results they've achieved.

I'm 130 pounds down, however maintenance is the real test of my experience. Anyway I look at it, the longterm success rate of the band remains higher than than the success rate of not having a lapband. Blogging is a big piece of my longterm plan- it reminds me of the basics, which for me are easy to overlook at this phase. Protein, protein, protein.

Moving onto life... my curiosity got the best of me this afternoon... and I emailed a cousin on my bio dads side. I think I've really thrown him for a loop. Surprise! It was not the easiest thing to do, but I didn't want to be afraid to take a risk. I felt the fear, and did it anyway. I won't be afraid to throw on the brakes if needed, however there are things I'd like to know.

Holiday hell, our neighbor just brought over homemade chocolates- and if my family doesn't eat them fast enough, they will be going into the garbage can. I'd rather waste food, than waste my life fat. Definitely the better choice for me. I'm trying to put together a holiday indulgence avoidance strategy. I allowed myself to do whatever at Thanksgiving, but with very little restriction right now, that's probably not the best idea. I probably won't go for a fill until January, so this will mostly be up to me. The indulgence avoidance strategy is an entire post in itself. Do you have one?

Crazybusynorestrictionfoundbiodadandchristmasparties

Work is crazy busy. I asked for this. I really did. I WANTED this.

I have no restriction. NONE. I am hungry! I do believe I need a fill. I am actually having to watch what I'm eating, because I can finish entire meals. "FOCUS ON PROTEIN!!!"...that's what I need to remember. My band is filled to about 4 cc's... and the entire reason I got my band... is to keep weight off. This is now THE purpose of my blog... keeping track of THIS part of my journey. This is the IMPORTANT part. Losing is good, but maintaining is the goal.

Do you ever wonder how people find your blog (hello... I think one of my brother's friends is following my blog)? The internet is a strange (and wonderful) place. One of the reasons I have not been blogging, is that I've been searching. The internet. And I found my biological dad. I've never looked before, never had the inkling. This isn't even something we talked about in my family. Ever. But, I put a name in google... and voila... pictures, profession, personal and social history. It turns out my bio dad's cousin was our next door neighbor when I was growing up... I called my mom to tell her the freaky news- and she was really open about it. My entire life, I've been sparing her feelings- but she told me last night that she wondered why I hadn't done this before. Um, I don't know. I have no burning desire other than curiosity (and it feels weird to cyberstalk someone). I'm writing this like the whole thing is no big deal, but I'm forty years old... and this is the first time I've discussed this in the open. I don't know what to do with this information, it was just a whim that I even looked.

Christmas parties started yesterday (I was in charge of the work party, and that's the only one I'm responsible for). The rest should just be fun... one down, five to go! No pictures taken or posted... I fail at my holiday challenge. I'll set a little mini goal to take one tomorrow night and post it! I have to admit to a little bit of clothes shopping this holiday season. That makes me merry, and will hopefully keep me motivated until I get some restriction back, or a fill. Shopping is a good diversion to eating.

That's all I've got... I have caught up on reading blogs, but was an unfortunate commenter... but I've been crazybusynorestricitionfoundbiodadandchristmasparties...

Happy Hanukkah

My littlest just found out that Jewish children get presents for eight nights. I've never seen a kid so bummed about Christmas! There is less cultural diversity here in Utah than in Maryland (where I was raised), so it's heartening for me to know that he's aware of other religions and ways of life. Even if my child now completely resents his own...

Trying to move away from the bah-humbug now. Scale was 170 today, still median normal for me. I prefer to see 160's, but for certainty, clothes fit the exact same from 167-173 (ack, which is the high number that is my alert number, my I need to watch what I'm doing number). I can zip up my old size ten clothing, but once again- just because I can, doesn't mean I should. I'm happy in a twelve. My weight fluctuates 5-6 pounds during the month. I don't consider any of it a gain or a loss, unless I'm out of my "range".

Amy had a great post on maintaining after "goal". I'm not really at goal, but I am done trying. She's right, I did try harder (counting protein grams, drinking water) when I wanted the weight to come off quickly. Not bypass quick, but I needed and wanted the mental validation that a scale number could give me. It was difficult for me, because my weight would come off in what I called "whooshes". Nothing would show on the scale, then all of a sudden- five or seven pounds would fall off. I just came to expect it. I didn't really think of them as plateaus, I just know how my body works. But maintaining is something I'm still learning about. I didn't know for sure how Thanksgiving would end up, because I wasn't going to "diet" or "try" through the holiday. But, I did fine. I wasn't terribly worried, but this phase is a new learning curve for me. I like it much better, though.

I am also going to take Linda's Holiday Challenge. I'm going to take pictures of various holiday activities and post them. We love to make and decorate gingerbread houses every year. There are four Christmas parties so far, and I do love a good party. Everyone is getting into the holiday spirit at work- read: no one wants to do anything real, and everything is being put off until the new year. So, there's lots to be excited about... even if you're not Jewish!

Crisis Averted

It's an official "no gain". Scale was right at median normal for me today. Yes, I'm happy, shocked, and in love (still with my band).

Also got a text from my son today. I was hoping it was the "break up" text, but unfortunatley not this time. I'm awful, I know! It was the "here's what I want for Christmas" text... I shit you not. If I wasn't so poor, I'd be worried he's just using me for my money. Since that's not really a possibility, I'll take any positve correspondence. It's the same either way for me financially, and this way we're "talking". Fine by me.

Thank goodness it's almost Thursday... I keep reminding myself today that I am not defined by my job. This project of mine is a roller coaster and I do not like rides. I'm a little no one with big eyes watching me... and it's a bit frustrating to be in this position. I went for this, I ASKED for this. I got what I wanted!?!

Three (3!!!) crisies averted. Not too shabby for one day.

Back to Life

Sometimes it is so relieving to be back at work, and doing the daily "thing". I'm one that doesn't always enjoy time off. I do, but I don't. I get very lazy... stay up too late, sleep in too long. And I eat... it's what we "do" for fun. That hasn't changed much, for better or for worse. Today, I was fully back in the swing of things, and it felt really good.

And good news... I think the weight gain alert may have been a false alarm. My non-negotiating scale read my normal high this morning, and if it reads similarly tomorrow, I'm calling it a "no gain". It's funny, I'll take a low weight and own it forever, but not a high weight! No way, no how!

My husband, and daughter, and you guys (gals) have been so supportive about this family situation. I guess my sons fiance posted on her Facebook status that she was "glad to be home and away from psychos". My daughter (who amazes me with her ability to find the good in everyone)- called to let me know that she refrained from responding. If I had responded (which I also would not do)- I would have said, "I know you feel!!!". Sigh.

I'm relieved to have my life back. My schedule is normal, my diet is back to normal, and my home is once again my own.

My Side of the Story

Ack! I think I gained weight! I won't call it a gain until I get two bummer weights in a row... but I think I may have gained a pound. Maybe a pound and a half. And I don't care (that much). Being back to our normal daily routine will get me on track with eating. I'm not thrilled if I put on some weight, but I am happy that I haven't started the "well, f*ck it, I'm just going to give up completely" mentality I used to have. Whew.

I figured out today that I'm not upset by what happened this weekend, I'm just upset by how I handled myself in the situation. Mr W calls me "Mt. Saint Lara", because I keep everything calm for a really long time, but when I blow... watch the hell out. I should have been more up front about the things that were bothering me during the visit, instead of bottling it all up. Here's my laundry list:

The ambien thing really ticked me off, especially because my son was comparing me to his father, who is truly an addict (I've already explained how and why about my meds, so I'll spare a repeat). He stuck to his idiocracy despite knowing how careful I am about everything in my life. If I ever get into a car, or do something life threatening... I will stop taking the medicine. However, I most likely will need it forever (he's calling me "dependent"... no fucking duh, but I will do what I need to within reason to be able to work and have any sort of quality of life). Damn it, he should know me better!!! I should not have to defend this.

And now (drum roll)... moving on to the fiance. THIS IS JUST MY SIDE OF THE STORY. This is completely unfair, because she is not able to defend herself here. I don't like talking about people behind their back, it usually doesn't end well for anyone. But, this is my blog, my therapy... so I'm going to say what I think and feel. May god have mercy on my soul...

This is coming from a crazy woman (so I would know)... but she's a crazy woman (girl). On Thanksgiving, I of course had tons of things going on, and I asked everyone to pick up their stuff in our upstairs family room, so everything could be nice for our dinner. She was very put out that I asked her to pick up her own stuff, and starting huffing and slamming things around. I was a little shocked.

Later in the weekend, her son wet the bed (that happens), but she let it sit until the AFTERNOON when I finally ordered my son to get it cleaned up. She also left poopy underwear in the downstairs guest bathroom (more than once), and again, I had to ask my son to please take care of it because the entire basement was smelling. What is wrong with someone to think living like that is ok, much less while a guest in someone's home?

Plus, she's really mean to my son, I see him doing everything, and her complaining about how he's doing it. She's a yeller, and there is no yelling in our house- it's trashy and not effective anyway. It makes me sad and I wonder what in his life lead him to think that being treated this way is acceptable.

But the straw that broke this camels back, is that she was yelling at my six year old. My husband and I went out Friday and Saturday nights, and my daughter was watching her little brother until we got home (and then she could go out, we pay her a small fortune). Anyway, she asked to speak with me alone on Friday night, because she was really upset about the way my son's fiance was yelling at my youngest son. I took my oldest son aside and asked him what was going on. Blah blah blah. Obviously, I should have spoken with her directly. Well, last night... I was trying to let things go (as I had the entire holiday)... until she yelled at my six year old and made him cry.

Wrong move. Make my kid cry, and it's done. Really done. As in do not treat either of my sons that way, ever again. Needless to say, they left and got a hotel room for the night. And, I did not stop them. I feel horrible, and I know I've alienated my oldest. My husband keeps trying to say things to make it better. But, nothing justifies what I said. I told my son to "f" off. I should never have said that to my child, no matter how right I was (or wasn't). But I was right.

I guess I'm the cliche m-i-l from hell. I never in a million years imagined it would be this way. I've always liked his girlfriends, and we've all gotten along so well. I don't understand this relationship at all. And I want my door to be open to him, because I'm worried that he won't turn to me if he decides he needs someone.

There you have it.

$h*tF~qD@mit All to Hell

Baggage time. Weekend has ended, my struggles have not ended (with my son and now his fiance), and I really feel like shit inside. I've rationalized, looked for the best, and held my tongue and my peace as long as I could, but I could do it no longer this evening. I wish it were different. It makes me feel horrible about myself and everything. I don't know what I could have done differently.


Scratch all that. Mr. W just lived up to his title. Back history, as "crazy" as my childhood was, is how "normal" his was. But, he just sat me down (seriously, as I was finishing the first paragraph of this post)... and told me about many holidays in his family, that had the same exact arguments and endings. I guess we're just coming to a different dynamic in our lives as grandparents, adult children, grandchildren... all brand new roles.

I'm stress eating right now. Hard. It's a little different now... if something doesn't taste exactly as want it to, I throw it away. And my band get me full after a couple of bites. My brain is still trying, but I'm making emotional and physical progress. I'm recognizing what it is, allowing myself to do it because I know it's not going to end up all that big of a deal, and hopefully tomorrow I'll deal with everything a little better.

Is this just the universes tricky way of making me happy about my vacation time being over and ok with going back to work? Well, it worked. I'd also like to thank the universe for Mr. W, we may not be perfect, but we are perfect for each other. I love that man, and our son, and our life together. Tonight, I am grateful for that.

Jack talk Thai?

Wellllllll, my restriction let up... tonight, just in time to go out for Thai food with my siblings and their spouses. Geez, I kept up with everyone. No problem. What's with this silly band? Maybe it was just the whole that was burned into my stomach from the heat/spice that was letting all the food through. Yum, completely worth every burning mouthful.

Where did this weekend go? Another snow storm coming in tomorrow. I'm trying to be a good Mimi by taking my two grandsons and my six year old to get pictures with Santa tomorrow. This Thanksgiving has been everything I wanted- good company, food, wine, movies, games. My son has become a wonderful adult. I'm proud of the mothering skills my daughter has. The "issues" have been at a minimum. Basically, I'm trying to better understand my daughter in law to be. And, my son is giving me a hard time about taking Ambien. The side effects can be funny, but also dangerous.

If I didn't have my Fibromyalgia, I would consider stopping. But no sleep equals lots of pain, and I don't want my life to come to a grinding halt. I tell my family every night when I've taken my medicine, I go to bed directly (I obviously get out sometimes, hence why I notify everyone), and I only take the prescribed amount. I appreciate his concern, but he's clueless about this disease. Actually, I heard his fiance trying to explain it to him, which was a good thing, because I've been struggling a little bit during this visit. Overhearing her standing up for me was very much appreciated.

The fantasy weekend is almost over (tear rolls down my cheek). And I'm going to have to jump back into my project on Monday (another tear rolls down my cheek). I wish I didn't have so much glittery eyeshadow on right now...

WANTED: Glittery Eyeshadow Every Day

I still don't know what I really want to do with my life, but whatever it is, I am 100% certain it will involve glittery eyeshadow every day.

Yea, so we went to see Burlesque tonight. Writing and acting, not so hot. Makeup, wardrobe, men, and music were burning up the place.

My husband informed me that he gets to pick the next movie we see. I need to keep thinking about day job options that require glitter...

What I Ate for Thanksgiving

Morning: Coffee and Diet Pepsi

1pm: Zone Bar (tummy wasn't hungry, but I started getting grouchy and a headache)

4pm- 9pm: Turkey & gravy, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, stuffing, roll, three glasses of wine. I couldn't finish my plate (wine really filled me up), and I haven't gotten to the pumpkin and pecan pies with real homemade whipped cream. Maybe for breakfast.

Have I ever told you that I love my band?

THANKSGIVING EDITION- What I Ate (in Pictures)

Most of us have started preparation for todays feast at least yesterday, if not days ago. The thoughts of your menus that you've shared this week were running through my head as I woke up to start some early prep work this morning. My mind of course went to enjoying our own traditional meal, and of course I then thought about if I'm making WAY too much, because I know how little I will personally eat. Previously, if there was a dish that was less popular, no problem! I loved it ALL! I still love it all, but only about a spoonful or two.

Here's the PICTURES part... I would love to see pictures of YOUR Thanksgiving meal, AND I thought it would be funny for some, and helpful for others, if we took pics of our own personal plates and food through this particularly glutonous day to see how LITTLE we actually ate. Ok, I'm doing it... and if anyone else is blogging on Thanksgiving... please join me?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING SKINNY BITCHES!!!

Just Luck? Or is it Love?

The storm has passed, I'm home with power, not baking until later, and have lots of computer time.

So, I'm reading this article in CNN about a Microsoft executive who quit her job to join the circus. She couldn't stand one more meeting where people got yelled at, which isn't the exact problem I have with the corporate world. This lucky woman quit her job, discovered aerial arts (think Cirque de Soleil), and opened a studio where she has created not only a new creative career for herself, but also a little community of women who share her passion. If I had the guts, I'd quit my job and do something creative. Did she succeed by luck? That's what I need to know. If I saw a way out, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But do you SEE it and do it, or just DO it? She just did it. It's her life, and she did what she loved. I always tell my children to just do what they love. I have a good job, I do not loathe going to work, but is it what I want my life to be about? I have career goals I'm following and succeeding at, but is it passion? No. Do I need luck? No? I don't know!

Of course I'm going to bring this back around to the subject of my band. A friend asked me this week, if maybe I was successful with my band just because of luck? Maybe some people lose weight through WLS and others do not, by factors outside of their control? I'll admit I didn't see that question coming. My gut instinct is, no! I have put in reasonable effort. I've tried to approach this completely differently than any other weight loss I've had, because it would be silly to pursue this in a way I already knew didn't work. By band standards, I was a poor candidate for the lapband because I'm a grazer. I knew this pre-surgically, but felt I could make it work anyway. And I think 130 pounds lost is a band success. And not luck.

Can you guess where I'm going with this now? I lost weight because it's MY life, and I wanted to live it on MY terms. So, how do I do this in other areas of my life, specifically with my career? I've thought about this for a very long time, it's not just a fleeting fantasy. Would I fail if I wasn't lucky? Would it take luck to figure out what I would want to do? This aerial artist quit her job, THEN found her passion. I don't know if I'm confident enough, brave enough, fed up enough, lucky enough?

What does it take? I don't have words to describe how I worked with my band. If I did, I suppose I could write a book, and that could be my creative passion. I feel my band worked because of me, and not some random lucky force. I know everyone has a deep desire to have their bands work for them, so it's not just because I "wanted" it more than any one else. Does it have to do with love? Doing what I love for myself, approaching food in a way I never have before? Can I do what I love in all areas of my life? I had to dig deep inside for my band to work, it was not just external forces. I "want" to do this in a bigger way now. I don't know how, where, what, or when... but I do know why. For passion and love, not luck.

Snowed in!!!

Everyone thinks Utah is all snowy, and it is in the mountains. However, I live in the valley where we do get snow... but not like this! We're getting pounded with the storm that's already hit Washington, Oregon, and Idaho. We went home early, schools and businesses are already closed for tomorrow. It's nuts.

My son and his fiance could not be talked out of their attempt to drive down from Idaho tonight. They figured it would be better to be snowed in here (lots of good free food). I'm terribly nervous for them, but they're only about half an hour from our home now, so fingers crossed.

Fire has been started... we had a snow storm over the weekend that knocked out power all over (not us luckily), but this storm is bringing zero degree temperatures... a bad time to have no heat. So, we'll just keep the fire burning, which is so cozy, and while everything is safe makes the situation kind of magical. (That, and the lit Christmas tree... so much for being all bummed about the holidays...).

If we lose power for long, we'll put all of our perishable food outside in the freezing cold. I hope we can cook on Thanksgiving, and I think we will be fine by then. It's amazing how much in life revolves around food. Even though we loaded up for Thursday, we went and did it AGAIN for the storm. There's just something about the whole scene that doesn't seem right without a bunch of comfort food. And, for once... it does feel right.

Happy Thanksgiving if I don't get another chance before Thursday!

Progress Pics

The four top pictures to the left are of eleven months progress. In that time, I have only lost 30 of my 130 lbs lost. I didn't on purpose take any pictures until I was below 200 lbs. I think these may even be more dramatic than the rogue pictures that were snapped between 299 and 200 lbs. I pretty much just looked fat, fat, or fatter and/or miserable, miserable, or more miserable.

This fireplace progression series of pictures- I think there's evidence of weight loss, but also of happiness. I'm keeping them to the side and at the top, so I can have this visual reminder of my journey. Sometimes I forget so easily the lessons I've learned, and the changes I've made are permanent. I've worked hard to discover the ways that will work for me to keep a realistic weight for the rest of my life. There was no point in losing weight, if I thought there was a chance I'd just regain it all back. I had been there and done that (cough *running* cough)- and I need to rely just on my diet to stay at my weight. Exercise would put me in much smaller sizes (and much lower weight)- but that kind of regimen comes and goes depending on schedule, weather, illness- too many variables to include it as a staple in my long term success plan.

I really love how my band has been a tool in re-educating my brain to create a much healthier relationship with food. I'm not a health nut, but I also don't abuse food, or have a weird relationship with it. I don't ever remember being hungry pre-band. Ever. I ate way too much for that to happen. Now, I eat when I'm hungry (which can take a while as any sweetspot bandster can tell you)- but it's a real tummy rumbling, true hunger- something I hadn't felt for a very long time. I eat what I love, because I can keep doing that forever. I don't fight my natural eating rhthyms- I eat most of my calories at night. I don't have the emotional energy to fight myself or my body.

Coming to peace with food is the best gift I've ever been given. I didn't realize that would happen when I first got my band. I grieved for food so badly my first month after surgery. GRIEVED. Then, I was afraid of what I might still be able to do to myself, even with the band. That's where I was when the first of these pictures was taken. Now, I'm at a place where if I eat alot because the situation presents itself, I know it's a normal situation. If I were to gain a little, I know I can lose a little. I've maintained now really since spring, minust a few pounds.

I think about running, or hcg, or other methods to get down to like 150 lbs and a size 8, and maybe one day I'll do that. Today's not that day. If I were to stay where I am for the rest of my life, the majority of days I will honestly say that is perfectly fine with me. And, if I keep my eyes on these pictures, I can see on my body and face the story of the lessons I've learned, and keep them in my brain, heart and life forever.

"Happy Events Will Take Place Shortly In Your Home"

"Happy Events Will Take Place Shortly In Your Home"... said my fortune cookie. And since I'm so mature, I skipped adding "in bed". Please tell me we're not the only people who do that? Anyway, I'm a believer in fortune cookie karma, so I'm taking it as a sign. I went shopping today and bought everything needed for our traditional Thanksgiving. I'm passing on going to any extended family events, however my son and his fiance and son will be with us through next Monday, and we're planning on a very relaxed time. I can handle that, it might even be fun.

Lots of good things are happening. Thank you for not making me feel like a holiday hater, and for your sincere and thoughtful comments. I was really relieved to see that women I have the utmost respect for also had similar feelings. Not that I want anyone to be sad, but there is comfort in knowing I'm not alone.

Our son starts his new school on Monday- and since it's an off time of the year... I was able to get uniforms dirt cheap. His shirts cost me $1.98 a piece. A good buy like that does wonders to bring me cheer (sad but true!).

I didn't freak out at work this week about a big project that's getting crazy. Does anyone else have "Friday Fires" at their job? I always seem to get something imperative on Friday afternoons, so much so that I've given the phenomenon a name. There was a big hurdle we discovered yesterday afternoon, and I honestly thought to myself that all I can do is my part, and I didn't let it make me sick. I hope I can keep remembering to do that! But, it's only a three day work week coming up, so I'll just keep my eyes on the prize...

And... total fun... I get to go for appetizers and wine on Monday night with my new lapband friend from work. She reads lots about relationships with food, and I'm excited for her to share what she's learned. I hope she's not self concious about food around me, because I've had other friends be that way, and I'm the last person who will criticize what someone eats. We were hooked up my the bariatric nurse at our insurance company, and I was billed as a "success"... however you want to define that. Sometimes I feel like one (because I want to enjoy my chubbiness), but mostly I just feel like the same girl I've always been on the inside. I have nothing profound to share with anyone about weight loss, but I have been there and I can be an open ear and heart while she figures out her own journey. I'm happy to be there if that will be helpful for her.

The "what I eat" posts have been great! That's the kind of reading I like! Here's "what I ate" today:

iced coffee (300 calories)
french bread and olive oil (ripped off the bread, didn't measure the oo)
half a grilled New York strip
peanut butter (yes on a spoon, this is a new thing for me, don't know why)
diet pepsi (lots)
devoid of fruits and veggies (but I swear I'm a healthier eater during the week)

Tomorrow we're going to a fundraiser for our friends son who was diagnosed about a month ago with terminal cancer. So so sad. I agree with "time heals all wounds", but until you've been through it, it doesn't seem possible. The wounds feel fresh for a very long time. We'll do our best to be supportive, even if just by money.

But, I am in a much better place than I was. Hopefully I'll stay here for awhile. Thanks for your insight and wisdom, life is better with friends who understand... about everything.

Swelling is my frenemy and other dark confessions

Sometimes, I want my band to squeeze tight. Really tight. Even though I complain, I really do like it. It feels good to have that physical control, and two plus weeks every month, I can count on swelling to make my band a vice. Water weight is not my favorite thing to see on the scale, but at the same time, I know what it is, and am happy about the restriction that comes along with the swelling. Which I've established that I like? Yes. Today though, my band is the tightest it has ever, EVER been. And I'm hungry. And THIRSTY. I'm a year and a half out, and this has never happened to me. If I didn't want to slam down some hydration right now, my sadistic side would be loving this.

This is a dark time of the year for me. It's already starting, and I'm trying to fight it. I'm finding myself struggling with the holidays already. Thanksgiving is usually my favorite holiday, and usually I make a huge deal of it. Always at my house, so that I can have everything exactly the way I like it. This year, I'm not doing it. I've purposely not invited anyone, and have avoided invitations. Why am I doing this? I shouldn't do this, because I need my six year old to have great childhood memories. Don't even mention the "C" word. It feels like a bill to me, and that's about it. I used to make a big deal about it, too. And even though I've previously held onto enjoying Thanksgiving, I do not like Christmas. We put up our tree, blah blah blah, but I'm finding myself slipping into that dark place. When I first started blogging, I would have skipped posting before admitting this.

My final dark confession of the evening. If I'm so ok with where my weight is, why do I think about diets still? I've seen specials around for medically supervised hcg injection series for $120. Even though I KNOW better than quick weight loss, and I'm against losing weight I'll gain back if I don't put in continuous effort- I've been researching this. What a great "C" word gift to myself? It's so cheap! It will get rid of my bad fat! I would be in the normal weight range! It would be so completely easy for me to follow the diet!

Am I a frenemy to myself?

Amey & Me

Not tonight honey, I have a headache

I have pictures, I honestly do. I'll post tomorrow night because I am too lazy to leave my bed to download pics onto our office computer. Amey looks great in the ones from Friday night. I think I look like sheet. Really, seriously not happy with how I look in photos. They just don't match with whatever it is I've got going on in my brain.

Feeling kinda cruddy today, I'm too old to stay up all night drinking. It knocks me on my ass. But, it was fun, and I'm learning lots about Mr. Wonderful that I guess he "forgot" about. Good times!!! I just don't know how people my age can do this all the time. Thank god we aren't doing this again until New Years.

Not in the mood for work tomorrow. Not in the mood for much, obviously! ;(

BOOZE!!!

That's tonight.

But I want to tell you about last night, and my dinner with Amey from Idaho. Honestly, I think Chicago will last forever. It was so fun to spend time with a BOOB... and she is so beautiful and minus a noticable amount of weight since September! She and her husband are a darling couple and seem so happy and good to each other. Amey has a cute as a button 13 yr old son who, sweet thing, had just had two teeth pulled (on top of wearing a cast from a broken wrist from a month ago) and what a trooper he was at dinner. We talked about everything, but the best part is the stuff we don't have to say, the "understood" band stuff, but we still talked about that, too! Amey is ready to start getting ready for the next BOOBS trip... NOW. I'm in agreement, there is just nothing like it.

And Thursday... I was able to meet up with my new band friend... who works in my building. I can not even believe there is a BOOB candidate that close! She has had no support, and I was a little hesitant about telling someone at work about my personal blog, but I got over myself and encouraged her to check out our BOOB community. I explained to her that the support here is like none other. She has NOT seen even one band success, and her experience here with the support groups being a little negative, is the same as mine. That's exactly why I started looking for online support. And now, we all physically have each others support... for which I am so grateful. It's a huge part of whatever success I've had with my band. Every bandster deserves that.

I will post pictures of my dinner with Amey. But, that brings me to BOOZE. We are getting together tonight with the group of guys (and their wives, I don't know how such nerds ended up with such fine women!). If it's anything like our party a couple of weeks ago, well... there will be lots of wine, etc. I've got a bottle (and a half) of Moscato chilling. Also, I will take pictures of my slutty outfit I plan on wearing tonight. I will also post pictures of it! I'm trying to enjoy ALL aspects of this weight loss. The shopping, the socializing... and now I want to get normal about pictures. Maybe even MORE than normal, hmmmm?

Cheers, and I'll post pictures tomorrow (afternoon). ;)

BOOBS!!!

Don't be jealous, but I get to have dinner with a real live BOOB on Friday!!!
My closest BOOB neighbor Amy from Idaho will be in Utah and she is going to make a stop in Salt Lake City to visit. My link function has never worked, but I'll try again...

If that doesn't work, cut and paste (old school baby!):
http://doesthisdonutmakemybuttlookbig.blogspot.com/
I.will.take.my.camera! I.will.take.pictures! It.will.not.kill.me! It might even be fun...

Not that I EVER get to meet other bandsters, but tomorrow I'm also having lunch with one. What's up in the universe? The nurse I used to work with who manages the bariatric patients for our insurance company, asked me if I would be willing to talk with another lapband patient... who get THIS... works in my exact building. I must have walked past her office ten times just last week. I never get to see any bandsters... and now TWO in two days! Very awesome.

It's been a decent week. I'm keeping up with my current project (sometimes I worry). I'm so happy it's Thursday tomorrow. My biggest thing going on this week has been my sons private kindergarten. Please be a good friend and act shocked and appalled by this: We got a letter on Monday saying that if a child got on red three times in one week, they would be suspended. Not three times in a row, just after three times. Just GETTING on red, not even staying on red. KINDERGARTNERS SUSPENDED FOR GETTING ON RED? What does red entail? Weapons? Drugs? Violence? NO. Red criteria is (directly off of the daily update report): difficulty following directions, unable to keep hands and feet to self, bad language (potty words like poop, or body parts), disruptive in class. This class has nine students, and the teacher is so overwhelmed that she is going to suspend kindergartners??? Yes, we've had meetings, letters, I've gone into the class, spoken with other parents... and the administration as of Monday was still backing the teacher (after they told me differently face to face). Private school? Really? So, anyway... we've been objecting to this and it's been work. In the meantime, my husband came accross this amazing K-12 that is RIGHT across the street from the hospital I work at. Our son will be the fifth student in the class. I've seen this school lots of times, but for whatever reason it never clicked in my brain. We met with them yesterday and they are very happy to have him. It's.a.little.more.expensive... but I love the idea that he will be so close to us during the day. It will be easy to spend time in his class, and have lunch with him whenever, and why didn't we think of this before? My husband wrote him an illustrated story about a dinosaur (our son's name spelled backwards), and his dino story about his old school, being on yellow, and starting a new school and making more friends and being close to his mom and dad. Our six year old is now excited. I thought for sure there would be tears, but nope. Ok. Enough of our drama. I didn't even break this up for ease of reading. It was really just for me. But, I won't be offended if you tell me how awful their policy is, and private school should not be that way, and wow what great parents we are for finding such a fabulous school and trying so hard to make this transition as healthy and happy as possible. Thanks, I appreciate that.

Time to take my medicine and go to bed. Goodnight!

Waking up in a pile of Life

That's how I started my Saturday morning. I stumbled into the bathroom, went to pull up my pj's, and noticed the floor around covered in cereal. I crunched back to bed only to find my sheets full of crushed Life, and wondered if even one piece of cereal had made it into my mouth. I think not. It goes without saying what this was cause by. Don't do drugs, even if they are prescribed for you, and you are using them appropriately. They make you do crazy things. I even sent a work "z" mail this week! Lets just say awkward, and leave it at that.

The day got better. It was a salon day. Afternoon. And I cheated. I cheated on my hairstylist that I've been seening faithfully since 2006. But, I really wanted to see what it would be like with someone else. And I've been going to this new salon for nails, waxing, massages, that... I wanted to get my hair done there, too. And... it was awesome! I won't be able to tell if we'll keep carrying on this relationship, until Monday when I do my hair by myself. But this might work. I may need to think of a good break up story. I'm usually just big into the truth (lies don't tend to be any better than the truth, so I just say what's going on). But, I never been an unfaithful hair whore before.

I'm off to finish reading some blogs, and to put some plastic over my sheets to protect them from the crumbs, or put a lock on the cereal, or tape over my mouth, or glue my Ambien bottle closed tight. Good night...

167

New low. Looks like the booze, chips and candy are paying off. Seriously, this is why I love my band. Even when I lose my mind (which next to never happens... sarcasm...)... I can lose weight. I wasn't very optimistic about getting to my goal weight of 159, which would make me not overweight. However, I'm reading blogs of people who have been banded for years, who continue(d) to lose weight. If it happens, great. And it might. If I don't lose any more weight, I'm truly content where I am. But, if I've not made it clear... my dieting days are over. Thanks also to the bloggers out there who have been passionate in defending the band and providing education on the success rate of diets (wow, 2%... diets work for me... to get fat).

I still don't know why I don't run. I think in my head, I associate it with trying to lose weight. And obsessing... faster, further, more challenging hills... and even though I get great endorphin rushes... I don't know. Maybe I'm afraid to actually be thin? Maybe I associate thin with all the diet crap? Maybe skinny wasn't my goal this time? Just "normal"? But maybe I still buy into a girl can never be too rich or too thin? Yeah, I really have lost my mind.

This brings me to pictures. I still avoid them. Being in them. Reading blogs this week, I have loved seeing everyone in their Halloween costumes. It's fun seeing friends able to enjoy holidays, sexy costumes, LIFE. I know I enjoyed being social and going to parties this year (the first time in a loooooooong time) and wearing a sexy costume. My husband and I were Romans. He was a (HOT) Roman soldier, and I was a Roman goddess. We got to wear our costumes to two parties. I felt good about how I looked, and I thought about taking pictures. But each time decided NOT to... because I'm not sure how I'm going to look in pictures. Same reason I avoid vlogging. This is what happened to me in Chicago. Camera in hand, but too afraid, because I can't get an accurate perspective of my size in my head. I want to like pictures.

So... I'm happy about 167. But still nuts. The band can't fix that. :)

Work hard, PLAY HARDER

So, the job was posted on Friday, but I haven't applied yet. Don't know what I want, but I'm willing to see where this goes. I've been MIA because I was given a huge project for a VIP (very important payer). Anyway, all eyes are on me, and I've got to get this right, and get it done quickly. The last part is the most difficult part. Everyone else has the luxury of only reviewing a couple of pieces of data, and I have to make sure every other detail is perfect. I'm doing this under the direct supervision of our CFO. But, all I can do is all I can do, and I am not going to kill myself for my job. Ever. I want to love what I do. But what I do is not who I am...

But playing is a whole other story! I.LOVE.HALLOWEEN! We have been to so many fun parties I can't see straight. Seriously. My vision was blurry. It has been a long time since I've felt comfortable enough about my weight and how I look to go out and have a real social life. We even had a costume party at our house this weekend, and I had the pleasure of meeting the majority of my husband's boyhood friends. These guys have all been friends since kindergarten. And I've heard crazy stories, and was a little nervous to actually meet them. We have been married for seven years, and they all live very close to us, however for whatever reason he decided now would be good to reconnect (I'm sure alot of it had to do with me, and of course my weight). But, the night (and morning) was hilarious, and we're all getting together to do it again in two weeks. It was great for me to see that side of Mr. Wonderful.

We did trick or treating last night (Saturday) night... and if Halloween and candy have been a hot topic this week... let me chime in. I bought good candy. I did not buy it until Saturday, so there would be contained temptation. I had a few pieces, the rest was gone by 9pm into little trick or treaters goody bags. Even my six year old "regifted" any candy he didn't want (which left him with about two handfuls- which is extremely good if you were a kid like me and would want two sackfuls). Anyway, it was fun, delicious, and not overdone.

Today, I don't know so much. I was a grazer today. I don't like when my eating doesn't have some level of control. I ate mindlessly, and it's an uncomfortable feeling for me physically and emotionally. It's a remnant of my past that still haunts me. Maybe that's just it. It was my ghost of fattness past coming to remind me of where I've been, and where I do not want to return. Do you remember making deals with yourself that you'll never eat like that again, and this week you'll do better and make healthy food choices and portion control. And that you'd exercise... lots. That is actually what I don't want to do. I spent years with that mentality, and I was fat fat fat. I don't know exactly what to make of today. Maybe it was just a day. It certainly wasn't that fun. I've packed my normal band friendly foods for work tomorrowk, and the proof for me will be how the week turns out. Not how one random relax day went. And there is so much comfort for me in knowing that if I were to gain weight (and if I did eat enough to gain a pound, that is not a huge deal), and I have my surgeon and a fabulous tool to help me, if I feel like my weight is slipping. It's my plan B that I talk about all the time. It helps end that fear rollercoaster about food and weight gain. I'm still in the 160's. I do weigh myself everyday. I can range from 168 to 173 with period weight, so I won't consider any fluctation as fat gain unless I get over 174. That's when I think I'll have to do something more proactive.

It's getting to be the holiday season. And, I have this sick fantasy of maybe even losing weight during this time of the year. I've been holding back one of my biggest weight loss guns... running. Since I'm attempting not to put work first... guess maybe I should pull out the mother of all weight loss tools. I have a weight set next to my treadmill, and maybe Mr. W would work out with me. He's already a very broad guy... he looks intimidating, but it's a laugh if you know him because he's such a gentle giant.

Anyway, didn't mean to go off so much here. Blogger wouldn't let me read comments or go to other blogs, but it would let me post. Hmmmm. Strange. So, hopefully when I'm finished with this book, I can go see what's going on in some interesting lives. Ciao.

Tighter than a two dollar hooker

Wait, that's probably not very tight, but it's alliteration so it works for me. What is REALLY tight is my band. I have about 4cc's total and my last fill was in April (a couple of weeks before my one year bandiversary). I did not have much restriction until my third fill, which wasn't until February of this year... almost eight months post op. Why did I do that? I don't have a great answer except that I want my band as a back up plan. Anyway, my point about being tight... the reason I don't want any more fill is because I can't imagine this tight any tighter. I have days where I can eat... like three pieces of pizza... but then I have days like today when I can't even get ice cream down (yes, I've been trying... hard...), and this is just the norm for me. It's how my band works, or maybe how I work my band. Everyone is so different and I love to know what works and doesn't work for other people, but at the end of the day, it's just me and my band (and sometimes a little slime).

I think I may have mentioned once that one of the main reasons I got my band was for professional reasons? Admittedly, I'm a head case, however I don't care because whatever the true cause, it's working. So, my new job is awesome, I'm pitching to corportate, life is good? Except I do believe I had a job description written for me today. As in not pitching TO corporate, but BEING corporate. I think they really REALLY liked what I did for them. So much that they created a place for me. Anyway, this is all new, just as I was leaving this afternoon. Sometimes things happen that are so amazing that I question what really just happened. Even if I'm completely misunderstanding this, I'm loving where I'm at, so no big deal. Either way, my band gets the majority of credit for helping me achieve as much as I have in the eighteen months since I've had it. My expectations have been met completely. The rest is just the icing on the cake... and that's my favorite part...

Shopping... better than fantasy...

I have no privacy in my blog or otherwise. So, when Mr. Wonderful asked to speak with me tonight... about his weight... I thought for sure he had read my last post. Well, he had not- but probably is checking it out right this second. I can only imagine it's so weird never having ever had a weight problem. Ever. Weird. For a couple of seconds there, I thought he was going to ask to get a band. He wouldn't qualify, but if we could afford it, and he wanted it, I would have been completely agreeable to the idea. We've come up with a plan for him. And guys piss me off about losing weight because it seems so easy for them. It's cliche, but it still bugs the hell out of me. But, I'll be supportive because I want him to be healthy and happy.

Speaking of healthy and happy! One of the side effects to Chicago that I've had is the desire to make time for my sisters... one of whom lives only a few miles from my house. So, Friday night we had a spontaneous sisters night out... dinner and shopping! SHOPPING! I went shopping with my size eight sister (who thinks she's fat, but that's another post). It was an amazing feeling to know I could pick out anything off the rack of "normal" sizes, and it would fit, and more often than not it would look good. This is just not getting old, and the feeling I have when I can do this is unbelievable. Words do no justice. Grateful, relieved, elated, overwhelmed. It's a lease on life that would never have been possible without my band. This is better than fantasy. Much, MUCH better...

Food Fantasies...

Another interesting week in blogland. All the talk has gotten me to thinking about my relationship with food, how it affects my family, and what my own story with food is. In all honesty, now that I've gotten a grip on my food habits, so have my children. I did worry sick about what I was teaching my daughter about eating, but as I've improved, she has readily adopted better eating habits.

My real worry now is my husband, because as I've been losing he has been gaining. Not good (especially because he had a heart attack this past spring). He's a born junk food junkie... which is one reason why if I couldn't beat'em I had to join'em. We love to eat out, it's what we do, and I had to find a way to be at peace with it. I thought I'd have to give that up with my band, but not so. I eat everything I used to- except for about two thirds of the volume- which my husband now eats- including his own.

There's a little part of me that actually really likes that our weights are so far apart (60+ pounds) because it wasn't that long ago that I weighed a lot more than him. Maybe it's that reason, or because I refuse to be the food police- but I'm waiting for him to decide to be healthy. He goes on kicks where he is, but if real change is going to happen for him, he is the only one that can do it. In the end, we're each responsible for what goes in our mouthes. He was scared straight with the heart attack for a little while, but even that lost it's punch. He has never before in his life been overweight, this is new for him, and neither one of us really knows how to handle it.

Which brings me to my food fantasies. I was not overweight growing up either. I grew up in a home where all the food was organic, free range, whole foods (nothing processed)- long before it was in fashion. We ate very differently than anyone else I knew. Other foods weren't banned, just not bought very often.

I remember in lower school, everyone who packed a lunch would have white bread sandwiches with processed meats, chips, twinkies... which looked like heaven to me as I sat there with my whole wheat (the heavy kind), real white meat, fruit, milk, and no chips. I did not appreciate our healthy lifestyle.

In fact, in about third or fourth grade, I developed a food fantasy. When we were at a regular grocery store (most of our food came from a whole foods co-op, not condusive to food fantasies)- I would make a mental list of all the junk food I was going to put in my shopping cart and eat when I was a grown up. At one point, I had decided that when I was a grown up, I was going to eat nothing but cheetos, peppermint patties, and drink soda. Hmmmm... sound like anyone's diet that you know now???

Mind you, nothing was off limits for us. I could have asked for it and most of the time gotten it. But I didn't. I just fantasized about it. Until one summer, and then my fantasy completely changed...

I was in middle school. And believe it or not, this did not even happen because of other girls (although I did learn alot about dieting from girlfriends). But, my new fantasy came from meeting my maternal grandfather's family for the very first time. The only morbidly obese French people that probably exist in the world. These people were huge. I knew my grandfather had died from a heart attack secondary to morbid obesity... but it was before I was born, so really didn't sink in for me.

But seeing my own flesh and blood... and my genetic potential... had a powerful affect on me. Being in middle school, I of course thought I was chubby (5'7" and probably 120 pounds)... and for the first time ever, I dieted. And my new fantasy... was not eating. I wanted to lose weight. And I did. All the typical strategies girls learn (sadly) at that age- calorie counting, water drinking, lots of exercise and running. And I dropped weight, and got lots of positive reinforcement for it. Wow.

I don't know if that was my first round of anorexia. If it was, I've had three. As my children would joke, I've obviously beaten it. But it's not funny. My relationship with food has been polar opposites. I was either anorexic or obese. In my mind, if I wasn't losing, than I was gaining- and it was true. And truly fucked up.

I guess that's why the balance I have with food now is something that is so important to me. It's not either extreme. I can healthy. I can junk. I can MAINTAIN an acceptable weight... which is very new to me. That's really my goal and I honestly feel like I'm at peace with food, and not afraid of it, and for the first time in my life really enjoy it.

There's so much more to this for me, as there is for you as well. But this post has dragged on long enough for now. I can't tell you how enlightening it's been for me to read everyone elses histories of food and weight... very much appreciated. Gotta love the therapy going on, because it truly is. Thank you.

Going There

I think about this often, but try to push it away. But I think I'm going to go there, with you.

While I have spent time and money to lose weight, there are people dying of starvation right this very minute.

While I worry about putting together a sexy outfit for my husband, there are women in this world condemned to death for having sex.

I have spent thousands of dollars to stop myself from eating because I live in opulance and indulgence.

I have spent thousands of dollars to feel a sense of acceptance of my body so that I can wear clothes not for necessity, but for fashion.

Obesity is a slow killer. I must do what I need to do to be successful, so that I can well meet the needs of my family. I will do what I can, when I can. Everything I am doing and learning now, I will one day use to help others for a much greater cause than profit. These are the thoughts that help me sleep at night when I can't help myself from going there.

Kiss & Tell

Overly confident much? I know I come accross that way on my blog. For example, mentioning "a life I love to live" in my last post. That's actually a new concept for me. At three hundred pounds, I did not love life. At all. I was not one of the girls who is overweight and honestly fine with it. I was miserable. I enjoyed nothing... going out, relationships, food (ironically or not). When I was younger and thin and perky, I was an idiot and would worry about flaws I would love to have now. What a complete waste. I feel like a completely new person at 168 pounds... actually I feel like I'm who I should have been all along. And I'm wise enough to know not to waste the benefits of this goal I've put so much effort into achieving.

Ok, onto the juicy stuff now. It.was.so.much.fun! I love wearing sexy clothes with confidence. And thanks for telling me that the heels I was wearing in Chicago were stripper heels. I went all out trying to look good. I was afraid I maybe looked like a tranie, but my teenage daughter assured me I did not, and that I looked like a high end stripper. Fabulous. Low end, high end... Mr.W is really picky about that. Or not.

Mr. W had made a CD for the car of meaningful songs in our relationship (in chronological order, very awesome). We had appetizers in the city where we first met... at an Italian restaurant. Bread, OO, fresh mozzerella, crab in mushrooms, and WINE. Then we drove to the city where I lived when we first met... and we went to an Irish pub. Traditional food... fish and chips for me, Mr. W had a steak w/ carmelized onions and brie that was so delicious, and BEER. Then we went to the city where we used to go to on dates when we first met... to look for something for some good old American "dessert". Let's just say the Wonder Woman issue has been put to bed (really). Then we went back to the city we live in... and had dessert at our favorite dessert destination (a hotel about three miles from our house, they've got to understand that we have a house full of kids and zero privacy). And then on our way home we stopped for our favorite milkshakes for dessert... I needed chocolate chunks with whipped cream to make the whole evening complete and perfect.

Honestly the best part??? Going home! We are hopeless homebodies, and proud of it. We wanted to get home to our six year old, our dog, our own beds. I think we really like our real life. Our evening was romantic and magical, and I am proud to be able to finally say, that I love to live my life.

Two parties, one funeral, AND A WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!

Who is the world's worst wife? Me. Who has the best husband in the world? Me.

So, in all the whirlwind that is this weekend, I forgot it was our anniversary. In all fairness, I consider the day we met as our anniversary because I knew at that moment. However, in technical terms, October 11th is when we made it legally official.

Mr. Wonderful on the other hand did NOT forget! He is taking me on a tour of firsts tonight. I guess he's been planning this for a long time and I'm so excited! And what makes this especially sweet for me is that I'm now pretty much the girl he married within 10-15 pounds (and he can't tell the difference anyway).

I must go find the sluttiest yet still somewhat classy outfit I can put together out of my wardrobe on short notice. This is so amazing... a life I love to live.

Two weeks ago...

I waited and waited and waited for Chicago to get here... and now it was two weeks ago. I'm trying not to be sad about that.

Luckily, I've been crazy busy which also explains my lack of recent posts. I've been reading blogs when I have five seconds, and commenting when I have two seconds, but there are still some of you I've got things to say to... I haven't forgotten.

Weight was 168 this morning. Still losing. Truly amazing considering all the alcohol I've consumed in the past two weeks... which brings me back to sadness about Chicago being over.

Since I've been home, I've completed my first big project, pitched it to corporate, have been asked to pilot, and then teach company wide. Had a blow out Star Wars party including a Jedi Training Camp for 15 six year olds. Guests from out of town. My oldest children's grandfather died unexpectedly, so I've been helping them deal with their grief. I'll have a house full of out of town guests AGAIN this weekend. Two parties and a funeral this weekend. New projects. Wine... I've finished off what I was able to smuggle into Utah from Chicago. See a theme here about everything going full circle back to Chicago?

In all honesty, that experience has made some very positive changes in me. In some ways, it was closure for me. Closing the door to the part of my life I spent overweight, and opening the doors (with a bang) to everything that being an acceptable weight has to offer me for the rest of my life. It was the beginning of my celebration of the better me.

I'm going to end here because I'm risking an Ambien post (some things will never change)... however I really do think about our Chicago experience all the time. It was honestly something crazy for me to do, but I would do it again without hesitation. So worth it, just like getting my band.

Chicago Regrets!

Things I regret about Chicago:

*That I carried my camera around, but decided to rely on my friends pics (which are wonderful btw and thank you so much for sharing!)... BUT I really wish I had my own.

*That I didn't get to spend more one on one time with you. I think I was able to get to everyone to meet them, say hello, and hug... but I wish I had more time to talk. Those of you I did have the privilege of spending time with... well, it's true that everyone was as fabulous (and even more) than they are on their blogs. I enjoyed our conversations so much, and our bands gave us a bond, but it was even more amazing to learn about your lives and personalities... some things aren't possible on a computer. However, I do have to agree that everyone was exactly as I thought they'd be. It felt amazing and natural. A true sisterhood in every sense.

*That some of you couldn't make it. I promise that those who weren't there, were truly missed. We did toast to you, and openly expressed our desire for you to be there with us.

*That I can't remember some of it... ;)

*That I need sleep (unlike some of you energizer bunnies). I can not even believe I was worried that no one would want to let loose. Umm... yeah... that's obviously not a problem.

*That I had to go back to work today.

I'd say that this was a once in a lifetime event for me, however I think I'd move heaven and earth to do it again, WHEN the next opportunity comes around. From my perspective, I think every BOOB who was there, wouldn't miss the next one for the world... and our BOOBs (events) are only going to get bigger!

I've learned my lessons, and next time I will have NO regrets!

Sorry I'm not sorry...

So, it looks like Ambien posts are not a thing of the past. Nor can I promise or expect that they will not happen in the future. Um, so I left out that my hair was blonde when I was little, turned an unfortunate mousy brown, and now is chemically enhanced back to a light brown, dark blonde (or green, depending). Anyway, don't know what the bed bug talk was all about. I guess if you have them, you'd know it? Anyway, isn't there some epidemic going around? Don't know.

CHICAGO! TOMORROW! My current worry is that I hate flying. The last time I was on a flight, I was in the 250's and the seat belt just BARELY would go on without an extender. I am seriously hoping that being thinner makes this whole thing not so clausterphobic. I also hate the whole post 9/11 process. I know it's for our safety (blah blah blah), but my anxiety doesn't really seem to care. If I can get through without being rude to someone, I'll be pleased. Oh, and my other fear is that the airline will lose my luggage. The second I pick up my luggage in Chicago... it will be ALL FUN from that point on. Did I mention I'm ready to have a little fun??? The flight will be so worth it!

This is probably my last post for a little bit. I'm taking my camera, but haven't had a chance to download the software onto my laptop yet. If I was a better BOOB, I'd get right on that so I could post pictures during Chicago, but that's an optional thing right now. It might have to be another sorry I'm not sorry. Just full of them when it's crunch time.

Ok... packing to do. Everyone travel safely! See you in CHICAGO!

BOOBS Answers

Hi all the boobie girls! Someone much more organized than I am thought it would be fun to know more about you, and she enlisted me to think of some crazy questions…so…this is sort of a Gillyified version of Drazil’s BYOC. Knock yourselves out.

1) You’re trapped on a desert island and you can bring only 3 of your favourite foods along. What do you bring?

Calzone stuffed with meat, cheese and sauce. Ribeye steak grilled to medium rare perfection. Bucket of movie theatre popcorn loaded with butter. Luckily, these aren't a special occasion (like what would you eat if you knew you only had three days to live?)foods. I eat and live this way with my band all the regular time. Just teeny tiny portions. I want everyday to be it's fullest, and I love food and am going to enjoy it appropriately.

2) If you could meet any 3 people, living or dead, who would they be and why?

The band "Queensryche"... oh, wait... I did that. How about Denzel Washington (everyone know chocolate is better than vanilla)... oh, wait... I did kind of meet him, too (our butts touched- I practically had sex with him). I know! I'd like to meet OPRAH!... oh, wait... I also did that. Guess you'll have to wait until my guilty pleasure answers for other people I'd like to meet.


3) What is your stripper name? (take the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on)

Jasmine Brook (I've heard worse).

4) How old were you when you lost your virginity? Alternative question if you don’t want to answer this: What is your LEAST favourite part of your bod since losing weight? Your MOST favourite since losing weight?

Sixteen, and I thought I was FAT. Really. Size six, perky boobs, no cellulite, tanned, long thin everything. Youth is wasted on the young. That's one reason I'm not going to waste being thin... I know how potentially fragile that can be and I'n going to go for every ounce of enjoyment from my weight loss that I can squeeze out of my chubby thighs. I've never had jiggly fat legs before, and my boobs sure could use a fill and lift, but expensive bras are working for now.

5) Do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? Would you be willing to spend a night alone in a house that is supposedly haunted?

Yes,yes I do. I have lots a storires, but they're fun to talk about at parties, so let's get a little group together! There's also the haunted tour we could take, but those never seem to be as good as the real ones my friends and I share. Especially if we've been drinking. It could be a howling good time!!!

6) What is your natural hair colour? If you dye it something completely different from what your momma gave ya, how come? As a child I was naturally blond, which turned into the most boring mousey brown ever invented, and since college I have been giving it chemical encouragement to stay blond or light brown. Momma gave me one color, God gave me thoushands of colors.

7) Boxers or briefs? Alternatively…bikinis or granny panties?
Boxers. Thongs and a push up bra. And hopefully none of then for very long... :)

8) If you could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be and why? (Trilogies do not count as one movie, cheaterpantses!)
Napolean Dynimate, Hot Tub Time Machine, Scott Pilgrim VS the Woarld... are you picking up on an quiircky altrenative genre. Impossible to pick one, our choices change all the time. sorry.

9) What is your guilty pleasure (feel free to go straight to the gutter with this one if the spirit moves you!)

Jersey Shore, Real Housewivesw of DC, RHW of Orange county, RHW of NY, RHW oc Jersey, and I'm really hoping on piloting the newest set of women on th Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. I dare you to tell me that you not be Super Blazing Hot, and I'm not just talking about the 1,000 acres of wild fire out my back door. These women are shallow and naive... but I would honestly PAY money to see this professional put into production. Anyway.
10) Hw many pounds gone forever are you celebrating?? :)
130 lbs. I got into my size ten clothes last night. My twelvesw are getting too big. Woo hoo I love my band. I think the loss has been no wine for two weekends, but I need to find a way around that.

Thank god no more questions... I'm getting tired. I wake up for work tomorrow, for the very last time before I wake up to go to Chicago. Whoa. Cool. Until thin, good night, don't let the bed bugs bite (and you know who you are if you have them). Love you all... CAN'T WAIT TO HUG EVERY SINGLE BOOB! Sleep well my pretties!

This really is not breaking news...

but it was in the paper today. It's one of the major reasons I got my band.

Report: Obesity hurts your wallet and your health
September 21st, 2010 @ 1:49am

By LAURAN NEERGAARD
AP Medical Writer

WASHINGTON (AP) - Obesity puts a drag on the wallet as well as health, especially for women.

Doctors have long known that medical bills are higher for the obese, but that's only a portion of the real-life costs.

George Washington University researchers added in things like employee sick days, lost productivity, even the need for extra gasoline _ and found the annual cost of being obese is $4,879 for a woman and $2,646 for a man.

That's far more than the cost of being merely overweight _ $524 for women and $432 for men, concluded the report being released Tuesday, which analyzed previously published studies to come up with a total.

Why the difference between the sexes? Studies suggest larger women earn less than skinnier women, while wages don't differ when men pack on the pounds. That was a big surprise, said study co-author and health policy professor Christine Ferguson.

Researchers had expected everybody's wages to suffer with obesity, but "this indicates you're not that disadvantaged as a guy, from a wage perspective," said Ferguson, who plans to study why.

Then consider that obesity is linked to earlier death. While that's not something people usually consider a pocketbook issue, the report did average in the economic value of lost life. That brought women's annual obesity costs up to $8,365, and men's to $6,518.

The report was financed by one of the manufacturers of gastric banding, a type of obesity surgery.

The numbers are in line with other research and aren't surprising, said Dr. Kevin Schulman, a professor of medicine and health economist at Duke University who wasn't involved in the new report.

Two-thirds of Americans are either overweight or obese, and childhood obesity has tripled in the past three decades. Nearly 18 percent of adolescents now are obese, facing a future of diabetes, heart disease and other ailments.


Looking at the price tag may help policymakers weigh the value of spending to prevent and fight obesity, said Schulman, pointing to factors like dietary changes over the past 30 years and physical environments that discourage physical activity.

"We're paying a very high price as a society for obesity, and why don't we think about it as a problem of enormous magnitude to our economy?" he asks. "We're creating obesity and we need to do a man-on-the-moon effort to solve this before those poor kids in elementary school become diabetic middle-aged people."

A major study published last year found medical spending averages $1,400 more a year for the obese than normal-weight people. Tuesday's report added mostly work-related costs _ things like sick days and disability claims _ related to those health problems.

It also included a quirky finding, a study that calculated nearly 1 billion additional gallons of gasoline are used every year because of increases in car passengers' weight since 1960.

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=201&sid=12512298

ONLY TWO!

Two days to finish my project. In a weird way, it's alleviating any nervousness I would have had about Chicago, because I'm way more worried about finishing it on time and with a bang. And then I get to present as soon as I return, so I'll still be thinking about it.

I'm adding a third day to the project... working at home today. I am also doing laundry and packing today because there won't be any time during the week. There's nothing I can do about it at this point, but I hope what I'm taking clothing wise is ok. I wasn't putting too much effort into it, and after reading everyones blogs, I am starting to wonder if I should have. Sigh.

This week! I am however completely ready to have a banging time in Chicago. Please don't think poorly of me, I haven't been the party girl in a very long time (20 years), that I plan on being there. Well, maybe not THAT wild... but definitely crazier than I ever get at this point in my life. Now that I am allowed (by age) to do whatever I want (within the bounds of the law)... I CHOOSE not to. BORING!!! This week though... watch out! I think my biggest worry is that no one else will want to let loose. Please tell me that this concern is irrational. Please?

But, work first. Back to being a boring adult... but only for a few more days...

Sixty Nine

ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY NINE... POUNDS. I am in the 160's. This is good news especially because I think it's the first arbitrary goal I've ever met during this entire band process. It's ironic because I've actually (and thankfully) given up the diet mentality of needing to lose weight for anything specific other than for myself. For me, this isn't about pounds down or smaller sizes or even health. Honestly, it's about finding a way to effectively deal with an area of my life that was so out of balance. Everything beyond that is a fringe benefit (and I really do like fringe benefits). I feel good because I am no longer fighting a war with my relationship with food or with my body.

Whippet. My husband wanted a dog for his 40th birthday. After serious research and an impossible list of conditions (or so I thought!), my husband has found the perfect match, and we brought her home last night. Now, he has TWO skinny bitches! Yes, he really said that... and yes, that is precisely why I love my Mr. WONDERFUL! Updated pictures to follow at some undetermined point in the future, but she really is beautiful... I don't think I can compete.

My green hair is now more of a gray... so that's better at least. That's what I'll keep telling myself anyway. I'm not drinking for the second weekend, I guess to somehow make it better that I plan on drinking for three days in a row in Chicago. I could REALLY use a drink after this week. My project has taken another unexpected turn... and it always seems to happen on Friday afternoons. And, I'm planning the ultimate (not really, but not for lack of effort) Star Wars party for my soon to be six year old... and we're doing it the weekend after I get back. No wonder I really like drinking?!?

Ok, well I am so done with this week, and this day... going to bed... six days until Chicago... :)

zlogging we ll see how much i can keep it together

Are you worried about not looking as good as you'd like in Chicago? Then I may have an inexpensive and effective solution to suggest to YOU. What is this magical, too good to really be true CURE, you ask??? Well my friends, it's as easy as standing next to me. I have green hair. Any person standing next to me will automatically look fantastic. Or at least like you weren't in a rush to get things done, so decided to color your own hair in an effort to speed up the process of your upcoming hair appointment. I.look.pertty. Like an alien. An alien who has lost tons of weight, and now wants to invade Chicago with all of its normal haired friends. So, if you are feeling a little out of sorts, come find me, and it looks like I'll have no problem helping you out a bit. :)

Hey, who's going to get there on Thursday (besides me)? I think we should exchange cell phone numbers before our flights, just in case. That would also be handy if any of us decide we'd like to hang out on Thursday evening. Some of the planners may already have that done, but I can't remember at the moment.

I did it! I completed and Ambien blog before it hit... it seems nornalish to me. Which reminds me I need to call my DR for some chemical calming for my flights. Ok, enough before I embarrass myself any more. Love and hugs and kisses. See you in Chicago next week. NEXT WEEK!!!