Sunday, May 16, 2010

Facing the Fear

I've been grappling with the fact that I eat WHATEVER I want, AND that what I want... is exactly how I've eaten during the past 20+ years as an adult. Nutrition is good, but I've never been one to force myself to make choices, especially between TASTE and nutrition. Of course you can get both in a single food choice, unfortunately these are far and fewer between than food choices that make you choose between the two. The one thing I've loved about my lapband, is that I can continue to eat the same foods I've always loved, and STILL lose weight. So, yes... it is absolutely possible to lose weight making less than stellar food choices. I went from 299 to 176 and am still losing. It's the PHYSICAL limitation by my band, of large quantities of these choices, that has lead to me shedding these pounds.

But, it's not the physical ability or lack thereof, that lead to previous morbid obesity. Generally speaking, there were alot of emotional causes. I think I've always related overeating to LOSING CONTROL. And that is frightening. I read about other bandsters becoming concerned about wanting fast food, or certain food choices that they've loved for years. And sometimes I think I missed the social memo that says we're supposed to fear that. And then I realized that I absolutely fear losing control of my eating, despite my band. I can easily make choices that would bypass my band, and I could gain back lots if not all of the weight I've lost.

This weekend is a PMS weekend for me. Typically that means amped up desire to eat junk food and to graze... bad combination and is frightening for me when it happens. Fear never leads to anything good for me. So, as I've been making not altogether terrific choices, I've been trying to let go of the fear. Consciously let go of it. My hope is stopping the cycle right there, because previously if I started in on that line of thinking... I'd think I was a failure, so why bother? If I am to conquer my obesity once and for all, I need to deal with that fear.

I will always make bad choices. I'm human. We all know thin people who make horrid choices all the time. We try to do better, but in reality, we're in the same lives we've always been in and will always be in. Taking that into account, it's critical that I learn to be open and honest and gentle with myself about this fear. Today, I am doing better than yesterday, and I attribute some of this to the fact that I've recognized the fear, and am trying to take away the power it's always had over me.

I don't have any brilliant answers or insights into this. I really loved (yes, thanks again Gen and Judi) Judi's SOB answer to feed the head hunger. That's where the being gentle with yourself comes in. Fealing the fear, but taking care of yourself. I'm at a loss for words to describe this, but her response made total sense to me. It's completely different than how I would have viewed the concept previously. And how I was dealing previously, lead me to obesity. Obviously, I don't want to repeat the head things that got me fat.

These are just my random thoughts. I know I have lots more thinking to do about fear and head hunger.


  1. Great post - this is my big fear. You've given me lots to think about.

  2. Yes I think you talk about a fear that we all have...thanks for sharing

  3. Be gentle on yourself. You've done so well.

  4. I love how brave you are and that you face your fears head on instead of hiding in them. Just one more reason I love you to pieces.