Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Life Anesthesized

It's been encouraging and intimidating for me to read the life events that have been shared so willingly and trustingly on your blogs. Yesterday, I decided that I should share a little more about myself. My mind is a strange place because today, all of a sudden, I couldn't remember what I wanted to post about. I usually have a good idea of what I want to say and discuss. But not today. My doctor put my brain into perspective for me last week, by telling me that I live an anesthesized life. It's amazing that I'm not an alcoholic or drug or anything addict. I definitely get a high off of sugar, but I don't think I'm clinically a food addict. I do love endorphins from running for sure. However, I just turn off. I always thought the times I was doing really well, it was by my own doing. Turns out, I have learned to anesthesize my life. Zone out. Nuetralize any feeling. ANY feeling.

How does this affect my weight issues? I'm not sure. I've had two major weight gains in my life. The first I can directly correlate to depression. The second I can directly relate to medical problems. To be honest, my eating issues actually started out as anorexic tendencies. Well, actually anorexia. I've had two major rounds with it. The first as a teenager, in an effort to control the one area of my life where I had an influence. The second was after my first marriage (and first major weight gain), once again in an effort to gain control over my life. I believe this is why not dieting is so important to me. I do not want one extreme or the other. Just balance.

I'm going to try to be brave here and talk about some of the things from my past that bother me. First, I had a very controlled childhood. Think "Mommy Dearest"... different, but the same. I have recently come to understand that I was raised by a narcissist, and all the fun that goes along with that. On top of that, nothing short of perfection was expected of me. And, I was told that it was supposed to look effortless. Just a little pressure. I never felt as if I lived up to any expectation. I learned to compete only with myself, and set the bar so high that no one could reach it. I learned to dispise myself, to feel worthless, and to seek control in my own life wherever I could possibly eek it out. This set the tone for the rest of my life. Until now.

Secondly, I am haunted by a memory. Sometimes I think it's close to post traumatic stress disorder. For the sake of the other persons privacy I'll be gender neutral. Here goes. I found a person very close to me hanging. From the ceiling. This person was heavy for me, and I when I found them, I was trying to push this person up (to relieve the airway pressure) as I attempted to remove the noose from around their neck. As I was able to release this person (not easy to do), I lost my hold on them. We were at the top of a long flight of polished wood stairs. This person fell down the entire flight of stairs. I can replay the whole thing in my mind. Stair by horrendous stair. I know it's not my fault, but the guilt of not being able to catch this person haunts me. At the time, I was a volunteer for our local emergency department, and was able to fly with life flight with my loved one to the trauma center. I remember looking over the city and thinking about this person dying. Surreal at the time. This person survived. There's some obvious traumatic brain injury sequalae, however most people wouldn't know that something this horrible happened. It makes me sick to think about it. I have knots in my stomach right now. I plan on talking about this in therapy tonight. Yup, one year of therapy, and I've not discussed this.

I live a life anesthesized.

18 comments:

  1. You are so brave to share this all with us. Thank you for being so open and I hope that you find the peace you need and desire in your life.

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  2. You poor thing! It is amazing the way everyone has something in their life that haunts them. I hope therapy will bring you peace.

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  3. Wow that is some heavy stuff. It probably felt good to get it out there in writing and I am sure it will be good to work through it in therapy. Best of look hon!

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  4. OMG - you inspire me...in so many ways. I could have written the part about your mom. Exactly - word for word. While I wouldn't wish this on anyone - it is a bit comforting to know that you get it. And about the other event...you have guilt because you were taught to be perfect and a perfect you would have caught that person so your "perfect high standard" brain can't accept that you were human in that moment. But perfect doesn't exist - it only sets you up for failure and guilt. You can't carry that person's pain or deed...you did what you could with what you had. Period. I love you and I'm always here if you need to talk. Good luck in therapy. I hope you can find the courage to talk about it here...I'd like to know your therapist's take on it.

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  5. I think you have just taken that step. This made me cry so I hope you are able to work through the pain. {{{HUGS}}}.

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  6. Wow...{{{hugs}}} We all have our demons it seems. I think you've certainly taken the first steps to begin to heal.

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  7. Wow. What powerful words. I hope sending them out into the world relieves you of some of the pain. Hugs!!

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  8. You are so strong. I know what you mean about zoning out. Thank you for sharing more about you. Fascinating you. I love you to pieces!

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  9. OMG so sorry you had to deal with this. And so amazing you were able to talk about it here. It is easier to be "comfortably numb," much harder to face realities like the ones you describe. I am proud of and inspired by you!

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  10. Wait a minute. I think this story means you totally saved someone's life! Isn't that true? You need to see it from that perspective! You did an incredible thing by rescuing that person -- even if it involved that horrible fall. The point is, the person would have died otherwise, right? You are a hero!

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  11. What a traumatic experience. I hope sharing with your therapist gives you some closure. I think Gen is right that you saved a life.

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  12. I understand about feeling anesthetized - I do feel that way sometimes, but do have such traumatic events to pinpoint it too. I hope sharing here helps with the therapy process.

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  13. That would be enough to give anyone post traumatic stress disorder!! You are indeed a strong person!!!
    You are a survivour and a hero :-)

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  14. I'm totally with you on the Mother issue - that has been (and is) the biggest hurdle I have to jump in my journey.... and i'm glad you were able to share with us, it will hopefully be the first step in your healing process.

    PLEASE talk to your Therapist about saving your friend/family member, they will give you the skills you need to learn to cope with what you have been through.

    ((HUGS)) xx

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  15. You are so brave for posting this. I am so glad to hear that this person survived. I am also glad to hear that you KNOW it was not your fault this person fell. But sometimes, it is hard to really believe what you know to be true. I hope you do not sensor yourself in therapy and do open up about this.

    I think you are an amazing person and I am very sorry that I won't be able to go to Chicago to meet you in September. I would love to give you a hug! <3

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  16. It will be good for you to talk about it. Thank you for sharing something that is obviously painful.

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  17. Thank you for sharing this part of your history with us. You are such a strong woman, I hope you realize this and are proud of yourself. I cannot imagine coming through such a horrific situation able to function in society. I would have completely broken down.

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  18. Thank you so much for sharing. I am so sorry you had to see that. I can't imagine the trauma that gave you or still does. Scary scary stuff. I too was bullimic and have a hard time talking about feelings because my mother told us to always keep it to ourselves etc...sometimes I feel you are channeling me but you say it so much more eloquently

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