Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Who is the real me?

Therapy last night. The art continues for a little over a month now. When I first started, I would draw my feelings, not "thinking" about what I was "doing" but purely expressing how I was "feeling". I have a disconnect between my emotions and expressing them. Anyway, the most intriguing thing has happened the past two weeks. I actually have gotten a full picture in my mind. This morning I woke up with a detailed portrait of a woman in my mind. She was me. It was an odd portrait, no surpise there. Unfortunately, it is way too technical for my artistic ability (or lack thereof). I attempted to draw it. I wrote down notes about it, even though I don't think I'm going to forget it. Frustratingly, I don't know how I'm going to get it from my mind onto paper.

But, what I really wanted to share was the fact that this woman (me) was not overweight. The body was not perfect, but it was not fat. I'm wondering if that means that I identify myself as a thin person? More than three quarters of my life has been spent at a "normal" weight. However, my experiences as an obese woman have affected me profoundly. I know what it's like to be thin, morbidly obese, thin, obese, thin, then morbidly obese again, and now thin(ish). I've always said I would remain a card carrying member of the "phat girls club". But, after seeing my minds image of myself, it seems obvious that being overweight is not how I identify myself. And believe me when I say that this portrait was not altogether flattering.

Do I play for both teams- thin AND fat? What are the implications of our self image on our weight and weight loss? How do you identify yourself? How might that affect you on your weight loss journey? I know I think way too much about this subject, but I want change on the deepest level to help me stay at a healthy weight. And I also want some art lessons.


  1. Even though it's early, I don't think I'll ever disassociate from my "fattie" identity. I might be playing both teams right along with you!

  2. I think its ok to play both teams, but its more important that you have a healthy image of yourself. You may run in to people who say you can't carry the "phat girl card" anymore but who cares what they think! I think some of us (myself included) fear that when we do get skinny/healthy we will still picture ourselves as obese. So I say good for you for NOT doing it!