Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Not in one night

I wish I could report that I had amazing resolution in my therapy last night. The only progress I made was that I could get the words out of my mouth. And, that was thanks to you my friends... allowing my practice run on you. Now, if I could just get the images out of my head. I had to pull over to throw up on my way home. I can't even cry about it. I'm so numb. I started to cry, but then this power switch shuts off, and I feel myself turn off. My doctor says what's protecting me is what's hurting me. How do I win that one? My husband told me to PLEASE see this through. To do the work. Shit, therapy is REALLY hard work.

We obviously talked a lot about suicide last night. In my mind, I was thinking and believing that I'm personally not a suicidal kind of person. My smartass thought was that I don't have the luxury of suicide. My children need me too much. Plus, I see no relief whatsoever in suicide. At least here I can hide from my grief. Not really, but I try.

But, then I realized that anorexia was for me an intentional slow suicide. Wanting to waste away to nothing. Non-existance. I can't decide if weight gain was also a form of slow suicide. Some of the behavior that lead to my obesity was self abusive for certain. I think.

So you may be wondering if I lied on my psych eval about my history of anorexia. Yes, yes I did. I lied. But, I have to be honest with you right now and tell you that although I can see several ways to abuse my band for anorexic tendencies, I have NOT done them. I've not even been tempted. My desire for health and balance have won that battle. I'm not stupid, I know it could happen. But, for right now and the foreseeable future, I think my eating habits are healthy. I'm not fanatical about any food group (except protein first!), and I try to allow myself to have whatever I want. Sometimes that's yummy veggies, sometimes it's dessert.

Thanks for all of your support yesterday. I apologize because it's difficult for me to be all warm and fuzzy about this. I'm just not there yet. But, I appreciate your support more than words can express.

PS- I'm trying to leave comments, but sometimes blogger won't let me. I'm reading all your blogs...


  1. Hey, I wanted to PM you but can't find a way to do that. Can you PM me with an email address? If you don't mind? I have some questions for you that I didn't want to put in your comments section.

  2. My one and only experience with suicide, if you will, was my brother-in-laws uncle. The uncle had tried to commit suicide, and his daughter found him in the garage. His daughter, my brother-in-laws cousin, had a massive heart attack (no history of heart disease and she was in her 20's) and died. Her father? The one who tried to kill himself? Well, he lived and has to live with the result of his failed suicide attempt.

    I am so sorry for you and I'm praying that you are able to work this through in therapy.

  3. I am glad that you got the courage to speak about this in therapy - even if it was just to utter the words. This will force you to deal with the issue with your therapist - it is out there now...

    I am very proud of you! <3

  4. Anything hard is worth it in the end...keep doing this....because my lovely, you are worth it. And you have no idea how many of us you are helping who are too afraid to try therapy. Your bravery is something I do not possess...though my uncle's suicide changed me at the core. You can do this...I'll meet you on the other side of it and we'll Chicago.

  5. You are such a brave, brave person.

    Good for you for facing this head on.

  6. A first step is great - getting the words out is huge. Your husband is right you are brave enough to go this far, so you need to see it through.

  7. I have thought about suicide but my kids held me here...thank god. Sometimes the pain of life is too hard to bear and the guilt from feeling you have failed overwhelms you. I am also very very hard on myself but am trying to be kinder...the world doesn't stop if I can't exercise or loose weight or I am rushed or I don't have the house perfect...keep on with the have come too far not too ((((hugs))))

  8. So what if you lied. You're not the same person you were. You have worked hard for your weight loss and you deserve to feel good about that.

    The experiences that you have been through are very traumatic. There is no way that you could have gotten through them unaffected. Give yourself time. It took a lot for you to even consider talking about it I'm sure.

  9. I was bulemic in my early 20's. I usually purged by starving or over-exercising. I can totally relate to wanting to melt away. I felt like I didn't deserve to take up space.

    Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sending healing vibes your way.