I wish I could report that I had amazing resolution in my therapy last night. The only progress I made was that I could get the words out of my mouth. And, that was thanks to you my friends... allowing my practice run on you. Now, if I could just get the images out of my head. I had to pull over to throw up on my way home. I can't even cry about it. I'm so numb. I started to cry, but then this power switch shuts off, and I feel myself turn off. My doctor says what's protecting me is what's hurting me. How do I win that one? My husband told me to PLEASE see this through. To do the work. Shit, therapy is REALLY hard work.
We obviously talked a lot about suicide last night. In my mind, I was thinking and believing that I'm personally not a suicidal kind of person. My smartass thought was that I don't have the luxury of suicide. My children need me too much. Plus, I see no relief whatsoever in suicide. At least here I can hide from my grief. Not really, but I try.
But, then I realized that anorexia was for me an intentional slow suicide. Wanting to waste away to nothing. Non-existance. I can't decide if weight gain was also a form of slow suicide. Some of the behavior that lead to my obesity was self abusive for certain. I think.
So you may be wondering if I lied on my psych eval about my history of anorexia. Yes, yes I did. I lied. But, I have to be honest with you right now and tell you that although I can see several ways to abuse my band for anorexic tendencies, I have NOT done them. I've not even been tempted. My desire for health and balance have won that battle. I'm not stupid, I know it could happen. But, for right now and the foreseeable future, I think my eating habits are healthy. I'm not fanatical about any food group (except protein first!), and I try to allow myself to have whatever I want. Sometimes that's yummy veggies, sometimes it's dessert.
Thanks for all of your support yesterday. I apologize because it's difficult for me to be all warm and fuzzy about this. I'm just not there yet. But, I appreciate your support more than words can express.
PS- I'm trying to leave comments, but sometimes blogger won't let me. I'm reading all your blogs...