Because I WANT to!

My sister came over to visit yesterday. That is a rare treat because I work and she is a stay at home mom, so we hardly ever have good old fashioned, hang out, sister time. We live about three miles from each other, but sometimes you'd think it was three thousand miles. We're at very different points in our lives. Our challenges are at completely different places on the kid and life in genereal spectrum, but as sisters, some things are identical. We're the same brand of crazy (and I believe everyone is nuts!), so it's nice because I feel so normal when we're together!

She is running a 10K this weekend. It's an annual race in our city, and of course I've seen all the banners and ads for it. But, this odd feeling came over me when she mentioned to me she was running it this year. It wasn't jealousy... it was... longing? I've always been the runner in the family. Now I've got two sisters who are avid runners and the thought of them running, makes me really miss the awesome feeling of running. I have been struggling with trying to figure out why I'm not doing something that is good for me and that I actually like...

Two things come to mind. First, I did not want to rely on running to lose my weight. The weight loss needed to be something sustainable, not dependent on anything other than calories in. Secondly, I did not want exercise to be something on my "to do" list. I don't want it to be something I have to do... some specified amount of time or distance, and if I don't do it, than I've failed at that goal. I want to run because I want to run! For the way it makes me feel... endorphins... happy. No goal guilt. Just pleasure.

I will confess I do have ONE exercise goal... and that is to tone my arms. That is going to be next on my agenda. I always have to have something I'm working on. My arms are saggy, which I've never had previously. Improving the definition of my arm muscles is my next hurdle.

But running? As soon as I'm cleared post surgically... I WANT to run!!! My tummy skin and fat are GONE. I can't even imagine how wonderful this is going to feel. That sense of freedom... when your mind opens completely and your body relaxes into the rhythm... Unbelievable. I'm tempted to analyze how I ever gave that up... but for now, I'm going to just go with the good.

I know I'm repeating myself quite a bit on my blog. This is not a new concept that I'm discussing. I apologize, but it's selfish. I need this repetition to solidify things in my own mind. Sometimes it seems I'm trying to convince myself of certain concepts... and I am. I always seem to default to negative thoughts, so blogging is my way of clearing those thoughts out.

So, here I am. I'm feeling so much better this morning. The swelling is way down. I'm obviously super gung ho about getting outside... and it's snowing out today! Tomorrow is prom for my daughter and her boyfriend so we have lots of things to get done between now and then. Her gown is definitely not a snowy weather dress, so this should be interesting. The whole process is still really fun... for ME! We got to do the whole "prom" thing for me with the charity gala two weekends ago, and now we get to do hers. I love this kind of crap!

Have a fabulous Friday everyone and thanks for putting up with me the past few days.

The McFlurry Theory

Linda (Linda's Bandwidth)... thank you for posting the article about The Biggest Loser. Especially the part about "no extremism" when it comes to food choices. Why do we succomb to the idea that if we eat something yummy, somehow we've failed? Why do we subject ourselves to the idea of "good" food VS "bad" food? This warped thinking, this extremism, is what has always caused me to fail at weight loss. It's true that if I ate something off of my diet, or heaven forbid something I actually enjoyed... I would think "that's it, I've ruined it, might as well just give up because I can not be perfect at this". Or worse, when the diet was over, gaining because the foods I had chosen to lose weight with, weren't the foods I would choose on a normal basis in the real world.

This is why I love my band! I've lost my weight, and now get to keep eating the exact same way. I am not an example of stellar nutrition- but that's real life. Who am I trying to kid? I do eat mostly healthy foods, but damn if I don't love to eat out... and I still do. Yesterday, one of my blog friends mentioned eating a McFlurry. I have to admit, it sounded wonderful, and not a half an hour later, I ordered a McFlurry for lunch! I haven't had one in years, not for any other reason than I hadn't wanted one. It was fabulous. It did not affect my calories for the day negatively. I enjoyed every bite, and there is no guilt. This is where I'm dropping the extremist diet mentality. This is the critical junction of where I'm doing things differently to keep my weight off. I'm not going to be crazy and leave temptation all around. But, I'm also not going to be crazy and think I can be successful without enjoying what I'm doing.

I'm also realizing that the point of all of this is not food. It's life! Doing and looking forward to life! I'm excited to be making plans for Chicago. Mr. W and I are going to go see Armida (Saturday Afternoon at the Met) this weekend. I've got lots of little summer time projects planned, and I'm going to look and feel wonderful doing them. It's about what I CAN do, not what I SHOULDN'T do. Even though I'm pretty miserable after my surgery, I'm so close to being where I was dreaming of being. It seemed so far away. I remember the longing clearly. Now I'm here, and it's critical I remember where I came from, how I got here, and keep the vision of living my life on my terms alive and strong. This is why I will continue to blog, and why I appreciate reading your blogs. It keeps me focused on what is truly important.

Seroma

That's what the 10+ lbs of swelling on my tummy is called. The lymph and drainage system has been cut, and the upper belly fluid has no where to go. We opted out of tapping it today, to avoid infection. Could be eight weeks to one year for this swelling to go down. We decided to wait another weeks to pull the drains. My surgeon called his new PA into the exam room to see this amazing seroma, and first thing he told her is "this is when you want to keep prescribing narcotics". I'm not just a wimp.

The incisions look really uneven, but that is due to having to surgically compensate for the uneven way my excess skin had settled. Upon closer inspection, the creases and folds are aligned nearly perfectly, even taking into consideration the massive swelling. The belly button is there. My doctor mentioned the love handles area and that I may want to go see the plastic surgeon he works with about some liposuction. But you know what? I'm not concerned at all. That is where all of my swelling is, and once that goes down, I will be thrilled. Actually, as long as it tapers well, that's all I want. The taper was very acceptable from what I could tell before the seroma. It was precisely what I had wanted.

It's exciting and weird and scary and wonderful and everything in between to be where I am on this weight control journey. Even though I'm so close to reaching my goals, I've really only just begun. Living my life is the real goal. This has not been about weight loss or surgery... but about living my life the way I want to. Now is the time to reap the rewards of my hard work, but it's also the start of the real challenge in the journey. This is it. That's why it's been so important to me to lose the diet mentality, because that was setting myself up to fail at this exact point. No more. This time I have my band, and a sense of security about my relationship with food that gives me the reassurance I need to know that I can do this for the rest of my life.

Are you thinking about surgery?

I didn't think about it. I just did it. The surgery. I had to get that excess skin off. There was no debate in my mind. It was a matter of logistics and that was all. Am I happy I've done this? Let's hope so. I'm swollen and miserable to be honest. I look horrible. I weighed 187 pounds this morning. I will post my incision pictures even though I've been hesitant to do so. The whole thing is quite ugly. I'm actually embarrassed. Yeah, after all I've already shared.

Yesterday was my first day back at work. Today is my one week post op date. My follow up appointment was rescheduled to tomorrow, at 2pm. I will most likely get one drain out, leaving one. I'm draining about 100 ml's in 24 hours. My abdomen is full and tight with fluid. I'm on about half dose of my Percocet, but absolutely still need it.

One ray of sunshine for me... my mom called me this morning and told me that she would pay me a certain amount every day for the next couple of weeks, if I agree to stay home and relax and watch tv all day. Yes, she wants to pay me daily more than what I make in one day, to stay home and slack. Something about healing better if I'm relaxed? Anyway, I agreed. So, I've got lots to finish up today at work.

So, are you thinking about surgery after your weight loss? Have I scared you? Am I leaving anything out that you'd like to know? Or see??? I'm obviously a miserable camper right now, but I think this is going to be worth it. I've waited a very long time to be able to get this done. I know many of you have similar skin issues, and I really want to share with you. And please feel free to share with me any wisdom you may have. I'd be happy to hear it.

Let's talk a little more about SWELLING!

Tuesday morning, my pre-op at home weight was 181 pounds! I had 13 pounds of fat and skin removed later that morning. So, that should put my weight at? 168 pounds with 131 pounds lost!!! What does my scale tell me this morning? 186 pounds. Granted I was fully clothed, but the 6 and the 8 should have been reversed. I am so tight feeling from all this damn swelling... but am I really carrying around 18 pounds of water weight? I know I've said this previously, but it is not mathematically possible for me to have gained even one ounce. About one third of my body is an internal scab, so I am a calorie burning machine right now. I'm eating the same exact amounts post-op as pre-op. No special treats (beyond my normal special treats, which have allowed me to continue losing weight). I can't even close my loose pants. For some reason, I thought one week out and this journey would be spiraling beautifully towards it's happy little ending. That did NOT include massive bloating, when I had this all planned and pictured out in my brain. Not exactly what I had envisioned.

Girl Bandit, sorry I haven't been ignoring your question. Yes, I asked for skin only. I thought that's what I got, because my post-op was going so well the first few days. That was the largest reason I wanted skin only. But, now I can only walk hunched over, and have all the symptoms I was concerned about having if I had muscle work, so I'm wondering if a few muscle stitches weren't thrown in just for good measure. This was done as a professional courtesy, so I feel awkward asking straight up. Plus, I still wouldn't know either way what the difference feels like.

We rebandaged everything last night. Took pictures, but I'm still deciding on whether to post them or not. Yes, they are that bad. If I'm questioning it, you know it's got to be ugly. No signs of infection, so that's good. Drain sites are sutured in nicely. The repair looks crooked, but I think that was to compensate for the uneveness of my excess skin. All of my folds and creases were symmetrical. That's what we're going for here. Less freakish. I want to look as normal as possible in clothes, and that's all I'm going for here.

Amw W, thanks for comparing my cha cha to Barney! Barney is NOT just a purple dinosaur? From my imagination? Nope. That very high purple cha cha is definitely not an imaginary figment, I made Mr. W check. Anyway, if I could think of a more feminine form of the name, I'd consider adding another word to my female anatomy list. At least for while it's still purple. Am I really writing this paragraph?

I'm saving the best for last. Jen- thanks for your support. Hearing your voice, and knowing your genuine concern meant more to me than I can express. It's cliche, but only bandsters know bandsters. I think that's why so many husbands have been so supportive of our blogging activities (for the most part, anyway). We need each other. It makes us happy at such a deep level to be understood in a way no other people on earth could understand us. This gives as as much of a fighting chance as our bands themselves. I'm not just saying it when I say I love you all. I do.

Cha Cha lift ALSO INCLUDED!

TMI warning. Now is your time to back out. If you've already seen the operating room pictures with my tummy in a bucket, this won't be any worse than that. For those choosing to continue...

I have been having a little bit of difficulty urinating. Usually when I sit to pee, the flood gates open, and viola I'm finished. Now, when I sit to pee, it's a slow trickle, definitely no flood gate action. So, when my surgeon's nurse called to see how I was doing, I told her about this new development. Long story short, I guess when you get this surgery, it pulls up your cha cha. Duh, why didn't I think of that? So when your cha cha is pulled up, it can affect the short urethra that women have, causing the trickle VS flood urination. Ok. Not something I thought about before surgery.

I am also swelling like a mother f*cker. I can't even get my loose pants on. I am living in elastic banded pants. And, with all this massive swelling, I guess I shouldn't be surprised by the BRUISING I have. I'm even bruised on my cha cha. I made Mr. W come into the bathroom to verify that this was not how I previously looked down there. It's been awhile, but I don't remember any purple cha cha-ness. Maybe that's why I can see it, it's now at my belly button! Yes, that's an over exageration, but wow, that's a high cha cha I've got going on.

I'm finished. That's all the bitching I'll subject you to for one day. I KNOW I'LL BE REALLY HAPPY ABOUT THIS IN LESS THAN ONE MONTH. I have to admit that I do feel better than I did yesterday, mostly because I'm over that stupid stomach viral thing, and I also never mentioned that I got my period the day of surgery and now that's finishing up as well. Things are definitely getting better, despite my complaining. Thanks for all your love and support. Sorry about the TMI and grossing everyone out with those OR pictures, but they are an important part of my story. Ok, I'm really all done. Love you all.

Shitastic

Of course we have had a stomache bug going around our family since post op day #1. I was hit with it last night. That's where the shitastic comes in. Luckily, I have a fridge full of anti-emetics, which helped me get through the night. I did go into work for an hour this morning, and I actually felt pretty good. Now I'm just feeling like I was hit by a truck. I'm also trying to space out my pain meds. I guess the point is, I'm not as much of a happy camper as I was yesterday.

I'm posting a picture of my dressings, without my binder. My abdomen is really very swollen. It's frustrating because I have surgery weight on, and even though everything is flat, I still feel fat. I know it will go away, but I'm enjoying my pity party. Don't even try to talk me out of it. :)

Happy Friday, I'm going to bed.

I can see CHINA!

Just a quick post-op update. Guess what I can see if I look straight down? That's right! I can see all the way to China! So many nicknames for the cha-cha, va jay jay, hootenanny. My five year old used to call them China's. In our home they are called FA-China's... but whatever you want to call it... I CAN SEE MINE! When I sit down to pee, I can see it. When I'm checking my binder and dressings in the mirror, I can see it. I have a China!!!

On a less exciting note, the only other thing I feel I should report today is about my drains. I forgot to tell you about those. I have two. I'm averaging about 10 ml's of bloody drainage per hour. That's it. Not too bad.

I should also probably mention pain. Not much at all. I'm staying on top of it w/ Percocet every 4 hours. I'm also taking Phenergan every 6 hours. It's working nicely. I can feel that something happened, but this is less pain than when I got my lapband. I am so glad I didn't wait to do this. If you are thinking that you may need this done, start preparing now (doctor, financial, vacation time) to do this. It is so worth it.

One LAST thing, I promise. I am going into work tomorrow for a couple of hours, basically just to show my face. I feel THAT good. Mr. W is going to drive because I'm not ready to do that much yet. And, I think I'm going to go back to work on Monday, again with Mr. W dropping me off and picking me up. My new building is super close to his, so this works out perfectly. Really, everything has been amazingly smooth. And flat! Which reminds me, I think I better log off so I can go see China again... so excited for when I actually get to GO there. Ha, I'm not deleting that last sentence. I think my narcotics are kicking in. XOXO

THE BEST BANDIVERSARY EVER

One year ago yesterday (on April 20, 2009), I got my band. Exactly one year later to the day (April 20, 2010), I got my life back! Pictures are to your left, gory ones are further down, so be careful. Surgery only took 1.5 hours. I got there at 8:30am and was on my way home at 4:30 pm. My doctor prescribed all the good stuff, so I am not in any pain and I actually feel good. My surgeon removed THIRTEEN (13!) POUNDS of fat and skin. The top picture of me in the pink is my current side view, which includes padding, dressing, and I'm assuming some swelling. I look so skinny! First thing I did when I woke up from surgery was to run my hand down my FLAT bandages. I have gone from FAT to FLAT. Happy Bandiversary to ME!!! Thanks for all your support, I could REALLY feel all the good ju ju, and am convinced that helped everything to go perfectly. More later. XOXO

The hardest thing I've ever shared...

So, with all the back and forth about whether to have surgery or to not have corrective surgery for loose skin... all I have to say is that if you NEED it, you won't be wondering if it's right for you. It won't even be a decision. It's a necessity. My fat has been holding me back for too long, and it's sad that this is the reminder I'm left with. It keeps me from feeling completely healthy. It's still a hinderance to my daily activities. It gets worse with each ounce I lose. I can't bring myself to post the side view, this is sadly the least embarrassing of the bunch. I know I can tone my arms and legs, but that abdominal skin? Well, I don't think many will disagree that this needs to be surgically remedied. Thanks for all the well wishes. I wish health and happiness to every woman, especially you my friends. Cheers to us. Love you all.

280-4012

I'm a little weird about numbers. The above phone number was our land line until recently (when I decided it was ridiculous to have one, since I kept the ringers completely off, and never checked messages, etc). Anyway, the REASON I kept the number is because the prefix was my weight at the time (280's) and by the time I was (40) I wanted to be a size (12). 280-4012. It's been my goal for years. And, I'm about to reach it.

My surgery is scheduled to start at 10:45 am Mountain Time. This time tomorrow, I will be pita free. Tonight, I will take and post "before" pictures. I'm also going to ask the circulator nurse in the OR to take some pictures of the removed skin, so I can post those. I'll warn you, in case you don't want to see them. I will also take gory post op pictures to post. My "after" pictures may take a few weeks or months, but those I promise not to forget.

Until later tonight...

PICTURES

1) cutest little boy in the world
2) wonderful women I work with
3) Ronald McDonald & me
4) forgot to show you my bag
5) real shoes... so many women were jealous...
6) Mr. Wonderful Handsome Stud & me. (We took lots, but this was the least silly, or windy, or non-red eyed, or whatever...).

We had fun. Conversation was smooth as butter. Mr. W knew more people there than I did... go figure. Sandy- there were things we could actually afford to bid on. I found something perfect and put the high bid, and some fat bastard wrote in a higher bid. That's karma I guess, because Mr. W did the same thing and won a basket of transformers "for our five year old".

The hotel was great, the jacuzzi relaxing, we went to our favorite breakfast this morning, and now we're home to do yard work. The spell is officially broken! Thought I'd share a few pics before I head outside. Thanks for all of the sweet and perverted comments, you know I love both!

VLOG of THE DRESS

It's the bottom video, "Star of the Party" colored dress... wish me luck tonight!

Merry Christmas!

I woke up this morning very early (6 f*ing am) because I can't sleep because I'm so excited for our little event tonight. I'm going to try to go back to bed in a little bit, so I can stay up LATE tonight. On weeknights, I am asleep by 9pm... so I'm hoping to make it to 9:30 or 10 tonight. Just kidding (I hope).

I think part of the problem of why I woke up was that I was STARVING. It's the time of the month where I start swelling, and my band is t.i.g.h.t! I couldn't even finish one chicken finger for dinner last night. I tried right before bed and got a few more bites down. I woke up HUNGRY and grabbed some cereal and milk, which I only do rarely on weekends. Went down smoooooth(ish), and now I feel infinitely better.

Since my entire family is still asleep, because it's Saturday and that's what you're SUPPOSED TO DO, unless you're me. Anyway, while they sleep in, I've been checking international news for conversation topics (there are no safe domestic topics in my opinion). And also googling my CEO. And have decided to keep it really down to earth. I have a few conversation pieces up my sleave (except my dress is sleaveless, so maybe stashed in my bra?)... but I'm feeling pretty calm about the whole thing. Worst case scenario, Mr W and I just hang out together all dressed up.

OH. And best part... we rented a jacuzzi suite for the night. That's the REAL reason I need to be able to stay awake past 9:30! He's obviously getting HIS rest right now... sooooooooo....

I'm going to do a VLOG and take some pictures before we leave for the evening. I'm excited to have my whole outfit, hair and makeup, all put together. Worried that it won't look as good as I think it will. But, I'm sure it will be fine. And, I'm going to do "before" pics, and maybe even let you see "it" in my VLOG. Ugh. Please promise to still like me after you've seen this?

Ok, back to bed... love and hugs and kisses...

CROSS ADDICTION: Blogging?!?!

Dangerous, I know... but I got to thinking yesterday about how much time I spend blogging. I count it as my guilty pleasure, part of being spontaneous, doing something for ME instead of ALWAYS doing what I HAVE to do versus what I WANT to do. Confession... I spend hours on blogging per day. Writing takes minutes, but I want to read and comment... there are so many damn good blogs... I don't want to miss any of it. I think I may have given the BOOBS committee a little scare yesterday in some planning emails when I asked them how much time they actually spend on blogging. Drazil suggested that some people take a little break. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! What I meant is- is there a better, faster way to do it ALL??? How do you do it? How much time do you spend on blogging? I have zero intention of stopping blogging. And then, I started wondering if blogging isn't some sort of cross addiction for me? Because I know it takes away time from other things, but it makes ME happy. When I'm blogging, I can focus my OCD on something other than food. And, reading all the supportive comments to each other, makes me feel like I can really do this. I can really keep the weight OFF this time. Just a thought...

NAKED PICTURES

Yes, I will be taking "before" pictures of my grotesque pita flap for your insanely morbid curiosity. I know I'd want to see! I'll do them on Saturday, when I also take my super hotty totty pictures. I'll feel much better having that balance.

Help, if you can... at the Ronald McDonald House charity gala, I will be seated at the same table as our brand new CEO. I've ridden the elevator with her (twice!) and made chit chat... but now I really want to talk with her without her thinking I'm a babbling idiot. I'm trying to think of SAFE topics (not anything with the words- healthcare, reform, insurance industry, religion, etc...). Any thoughts of interesting questions I might ask her, or topics that may be appropriate? I'm the only "social" one in our little group that's attending (and that is a pathetic statement) and I feel like it's up to me to do a bang up job at representing the pediatric department. HELP.

Back to my usual format-

Spontaneous:
Found a terrific new nail salon.

Food:
Friday's work menu includes a Zone bar, greek yogurt w/ honey, and thai chicken and noodles. My diet is much more varied at dinner and on weekends. I need food I can quickly throw together. I switch it up some weeks.

Well, I don't think I could make this any more boring if I tried, so I'll log off now. I hope I'm not this boring on Saturday. I need your help to be the wittiest, most gracious, approachable yet polished, BOOB there!!!

No More Sexy Talk

What I've REALLY wanted to post about this week... is my TUMMY TUCK. It's so amazing that it just happens to fall on the exact date of my one year bandiversary. April 20, 2009 I was an obese woman, hoping that this band would really work, and that one day I'd feel normal. April 20, 2010 I am going into the hospital as a much thinner woman, and leaving with a flat tummy! I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that I'm almost done with this whole journey. Ten pounds is what I'm guessing I'll lose in fat and skin. That will take me to 172 (after all the post op weight and swelling, of course). And then... I'm done. For whatever reason, the goddess of tits and ass has smiled kindly on me during this weight loss, and I still have them! I'm a 36D, and want to stay there. I'm not sure I'm going to eat any differently, and this doesn't mean I'm done blogging... because I will always have something to talk about regarding my band. Daily. I'm still figuring out so much about myself and my relationship with food. And as Gen reminded us, to be gentle with ourselves.

Random TT facts:
*I'm all set with admitting, and the financial office.
*I'm on the schedule for Tuesday, the 20th, and will most likely be taken back at noon or one.
*OR time has been scheduled for 2.5 hours
*Self pay OR time charge (paid in advance) $2775. That's about right, OR's run about $1000 an hour.
*Anesthesia charge estimated at $735 (based on 2.5 hrs)
*Surgeons fee- gratis. And no, I did not pay for it the old fashioned way.
*Total cost to me $3510
*AND the nurse who does all of the bariatric reviews here at the insurance company I work for, is going to come to my surgery. She's been in on a bypass, and a band already with my surgeon. I love her, but she is like 6 feet tall and 144 lbs and runs, etc... and it's been interesting to see her perspective change in the year+ since we've added the bariatric rider. We don't cover skin removal after weight loss. Although, I know they have been approved if the person loses the weight by themselves. How dumb is that? I want her to see me as a living, breathing reason why these are medically necessary. She's really excited for me, and that makes me feel really good. Plus, my surgeon is awesome, but will be extra awesomer if she's there, because we've been bringing him lots of business.

Ok, I'm done. I think. One last thing, Barbara from Bucks (sorry love, that's what you'll always be to me...)- I bought the Neutrogena anti-wrinkle eye cream w/ retinol and hyaluronic acid... and I already LOVE IT. I'm putting it on the forehead crease, and my neck crease also. Couldn't hurt? Those are some DEEP wrinkles. So, run don't walk girls... go get some! Oh, and the eye cream, too. (That was a lame sex joke...)

Naughty Girls

There were really no surprise responses to yesterday's post about SEX after weight loss. I'm so proud of all my horny BOOBS friends! You know, sexual health is a key indicator of mental and physical health. There has been considerable group effort recently in exploring the "why's" of being overweight (mental). And, we are all working our asses off (in one way or another) to get to healthier weights (physical). Why not enjoy the fringe benefits? Defining those benefits is individual... like I wouldn't encourage cheating... I'm aware that some people take their sexual liberation to the limits. But, now that sex is fun again... My fringe benefits definition includes: Teasing my husband, I love to taunt him ("accidental"
peek of bra or panties), gentle brush up against him, ask him what he's been "thinking" about this week... but I won't let him touch me. This makes for some very fun sex when he finally gets his way. And it's fun for me because I can, well... move... NOW, I can physically take control in the bedroom (or wherever...) when I want to. There are no physical limits on doing whatever feels good for ME (and he hasn't minded that yet). From what you've shared with me it seems we are a bunch of VERY healthy girls!!!

THIS JUST IN:
I'm emailing Mr. W about my blog, and this is what he just sent me:

8:45 Mr. W- in all seriousness, I am very happy that you have found that blog group as support. You are able to express seriousness, hilarity, and naughty all in the same forum. You are all women with a common goal, and each of you seem to have found a sense of belonging. That is cool
I am glad you decided to start blogging



8:45 Me- i'm going to chicago w/ them the first weekend in june


8:46 Mr. W- poor Chicago.....


8:47 Me- right!


8:50 Mr. W- "it's been reported that a group calling themselves BOOBS has taken over the chip n dale dance club, and refuses to let the dancers leave

****!!!!****
... taunting them with "we're phat, we know it, we shake our big booties and show it! we have looks, we have riches... and yes, we're all skinny beothces!!!!!!"

****!!!!****

I don't know if he made that up himself, but I'm going to memorize it, and drive everyone crazy with it on our trip! Well, I actually had some tummy tuck stuff I wanted to discuss today, but looks like sex won this match up. BE GOOD!

Lucky Red Panties

If you have delicate sensitivities, please check back tomorrow. Love you. If not, I'd like to address a question Drazil asked in one of her posts last week, it was kind of a blip on the screen with everything else that was going on. I started a response to it, but then thought I'd better not. Well, I changed my mind. This should be explored, because it's important to us BOOBS "band of outrageous babes sisterhood". The topic? Sex. Specifically, after weight loss. Sex is pretty much one of my FAVORITE topics, so I'll happily talk about it. I'll try to be tasteful...

One of my NEW favorite past times is shopping for lingerie. It's the epitome statement of "I feel good about myself". Have you noticed who really shops in these stores... well, it could be YOU. I know my body is way less than perfect, but luckily, my husband makes me feel like a real live Victoria's Secret model... and if the lights are down low enough (never off, come on girls...), I must admit I don't look half bad. When I was overweight, I wouldn't have even walked on the same side of the mall past a Victoria's Secret. Nu uh. No way. And the longing... to not feel like jabba the hut...

Moving on to the "juicy" stuff. I have always been a huge fan of sex. No problem getting to the point, if you know what I'm saying. But, when I was overweight... I hardly even thought about sex. If my husband initiated it (and trust me, it would have to be him)... it was always good (thanks to him), and what needed to get done, got done. Sounds more like a chore, a fun one, but work none the less. Basically it was wham bam, see you again in one week. We could have shook hands as we parted...


NOW SEX IS SO MUCH F*CKING better. Things I love about skinny sex: the clothes, being able to move (300 lb women probably shouldn't be on top), feeling sexy in my clothes, feeling sexy taking off my clothes, thinking about sex during work and then making it happen before dinner (try it, your husband will never look at you the same again), flirting with other men (my husband thinks this is great, we are solid in our committment to each other, and I think it makes him feel more manly when other men are looking at me), silky skin (fat girls shaving their legs, not the greatest activity), smelling amazing (buying perfume because you're so worth it), HIGH HEELS,
sexy make-up, choosing to initiate or choosing to tease (how fun is THAT???), subtle gestures in public, oh... I could go on, but you get the idea, and I'm trying to keep this tame so you don't think we're just pervs. We're not. But, sex is meant to be enjoyed. Meant to be amazing. And, although it was always good/fine... now it is so much f*cking better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And to finish off here (get it, ha ha ha)- I can't wait for my surgery next Tuesday, April 20th (it's marked on your calendars, right?)- because once I get my tummy fixed... I am going to feel unstopable. And, I'm not just talking about sex. So, thin, overweight, or somewhere in between... start being a sex kitten NOW. I wish I hadn't waited. If you can't get past yourself in your mind right now, it's ok. You'll get there. And I highly recommend getting yourself a pair lf lucky red panties.

*!!!!!!!!!!* MARK YOUR CALENDARS *!!!!!!!!!!*

April 20th is my one year bandiversary. Coinicidence? IT IS ALSO NOW THE DATE FOR MY STOMACH SURGERY!!!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Happy dance does not even begin to cover it. And my surgeon IS going to do his part for FREE. My dream must've worked (wink, wink)!


There was more, but I can't think straight.

Drunken VLOG

The unauthorized drunken VLOG has made it onto my BLOG! I guess my husband confused "PLEASE DELETE THIS FOREVER" for "POST THIS FOR THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD TO SEE". It's the one where I'm wearing pink. It's HILARIOUS because the sound tracking is off, so it's like a bad chinese movie. With an old white woman. I swear the slurring is because of the video.

Besides finding this VLOG has been posted... it's been a good day. I was originally going to post about that scammer liar s.o.b. bastard a-hole diet pepsi. I weighed 182 pounds this morning. This is n-o-t, NOT, not coincidence! It's happened four times now... stop drinking diet soda, lose lots of weight.

Today was also shopping for lingerie, jewelery, shoes and perfume. I'll spare you clothing descriptions, because I'll just post pictures next weekend. I felt like hot shit sauntering into WHATEVER store I wanted to, and the sales girls making eye contact when they greeted me, because I looked like a hottie pottotie potential customer. Try it when you're 300 pounds. Not so much the same response. Trust me.

Spontaneous:
That's easy to do when you're shopping... but... hot red push up bra and matching lace panties. Definitely not on the list, however Mr. W didn't seem too upset about the purchase. TSSSSSSSSS. (That was supposed to be the "sizzle" sound.)

Food:
Totally a non issue, thank you very much band fill. I love this feeling of being so in control no matter what food is around me. So worth it at any price. If you are reading this and considering getting a band, and think it's too pricey... IT IS WORTH EVERY PENNY. The mental relief is as amazing as the physical. Enough of this deep shit... I need to go figure out what we're going to do tonight...well, do before the red bra and panties... :)

No Shit Sherlock

Day # 3 with no diet soda. And guess what? The scale FINALLY said 183. The great, white elusive 183 has been captured! I am completely convinced about diet pepsi making me fat. Hmmmm... everytime I drink it, my weight loss stops.... when I stop drinking it, my weight loss starts. This may be a very personal phenomeneon, and may not apply to anyone else. But, I am convinced it is all too real for me, and I am even suspicious that this is the universe's way of sticking it's middle finger up at me? I love a tall, icy cold, bubbly, crisp diet pepsi. Just the thought of it makes me happy. Having to forego it to lose weight, it cheapens my weight loss... it's a hollow victory for me. My scale and weight loss can go f*ck themselves.

Good thing tonight is Drunko as it appears I may need it! I'm expecting to lose becasue I always do... at least I get all my money back. I don't ever expect to do well gambling because I'm so damned lucky at love!!! So, I will drown my mourning over stupid diet pepsi in booze and sex. Yeah!

Spontaneous:
I really blew it yesterday. My handsome husband had the morning off for appointments, and at the last minute decided to take the afternoon as well. He asked me to take my afternoon off to spend with him. And, I chose work. It worked out well for me because he ended up doing all the weekend cleaning. But, it was the WRONG choice. So, in order to try to make up for it, we went to a movie. On a worknight!!! Guuurrrl, are you out'cher mind??? Craziness, I know. We went to see "Hot Tub Time Machine"... again. If you like the "f" word, male adolescent humor, and the 80's!!!, then you'll like this movie. It's so stupid, I really love it. We've already started our incessent one liners from it. I think it will be a cult classic for us. We're weird that way, I know.

Food:
Zone bar, greek yogurt, lasagna. I'm thinking for dinner? A bottle of wine. And then a sleeping bill. Yummy. Love ya'll.

LA DI DA !

I had Tylenol for breakfast, and I am SO FULL. That might be a tiny exageration, but I honestly love that gurgly feeling I get when I drink water after a fill. My lower stomach is grumbling madly, but I'm not head hungry in the least. I'm so jealous (but at the same time happy for my friends) when everyone else has such amazing restriction. Today, it's my turn! Hooray!

I'm on day #2 of no diet soda. Yesterday my surgeon and I discussed possible reasons for my lack of weight loss over the past several weeks. While I admittedly am not eating 1200 calories a day, I am averaging 1400 or 1500 which is still excellent for weight loss. On a really bad weekend day, I may get 1900 calories... but mathematically that should still be enough for a small loss. The ONLY thing that is different is that I've upped my diet soda consumption. He is vehement that diet soda inhibits weight loss for some people, himself included. I know this has been studied, and that the phenomenon exists, it's just that no one is sure why this is? Some of you might know more about this than I do. Bottom line for me is, every time I cut out the stupid diet soda, my scale goes down.

Spontaneous:
I'm scared about getting my ducks in a row for my surgery... afraid something is going to go wrong somewhere... but I'm feeling the fear, and doing it anyway.

Food:
Tylenol. Oh, and greek yogurt w/ honey. I'm going to attempt to suck on a Zone bar at lunch. And water, lots and lots.

Appointment Day -UPDATE

*I can get my surgery now.
*Cost about $4500.
*Not going to even try to go through insurance.
*I'm a good candidate for skin only.
*My belly button should remain intact the way he's going to approach.

A few asides:
*I did NOT think of that stupid dream during my appointment... I was fully able to look him in the eye. Very pleasent visit.
*He thinks diet soda is the culprit for my lack of actual loss the past few weeks. There will most likely be more on this topic at a later date. You KNOW how much I love this subject.
*My doctor was only able to aspirate 3.5 cc's (right? where'd the other .25 go?), and he put in 0.5 cc, so I have a grand total of 4 cc's in my 10 cc band?

That is all I have to report. :)

Appointment Day

So, I meet with my surgeon today. I want a little top off on my fill. And, I have questions. Lots of questions. Such as-

*Can I get my stomach work done NOW? (No further wgt loss)
*How much is this going to cost?
*Has he been able to get my insurance company to pay for any of these yet?
*Would he recommend muscle work, or just skin? (Since that's all I'm really worried about)
*How much does a belly button cost? (I have a friend who opted out of one to save money... is that just freakish?)


Spontaneous:
I loved Barbara from Bucks County's post yesterday. Her rules for life. Here's my paraphrase: 1)no dieting 2) less work 3)simplify 4)live in the moment. I also read a good article on CNN yesterday about the show "The Buried Life"... which I haven't seen, but I like the premise. I don't have a "bucket list" per se, but I have been trying to make decisions based on what I'll think about them when I'm old.

So, that means- eating food, working less and not stressing about it, cutting out the un-important things in my life, and... being spontaneous. So, today... I'm also getting my hair done. Yes, two appointments in one day, and I'm not even taking the day off.

Now that I'm looking better, I've also decided that I want to take more pictures of my family, and of myself. Because I've been overweight, I've pretty much stopped all picture taking. Which is so sad, because I may be sorry about that, and all the other pictures I may have missed out on. I'm going to buy a new camera this weekend.

Food:
Had a Zone bar this morning, brought a couple of greek yogurts w/ honey (cause of the fill this afternoon), and will be on liquids tonight. Or creamy stuff. Surprise, I'm not all the way compliant!

Goodbye Diet Towne, Hello Maintenanceville!

So, a while back there was this awesome blog post where some chick wrote about how she "didn't get the band to LOSE weight, but to KEEP IT OFF". Oh, wait... that was ME. This is exactly why I blog...thank you for all the words of encouragement as I try to get my head straight about my weight. I do have faith in my Babette. It's the Babe (me) part I'm still trying to understand. I really used to think if I wasn't losing, then I was gaining. That is not only a hideous diet mentality, but can really set you up for an eating disorder. When I was thinking that way, I was running lots, and ended up losing 160 pounds, going from 280 to 120 pounds. I wasn't dieting, though. Because I wasn't eating (unless I had to). Unfortunately, even with my band, I will probably always have to be in tune with what and how much I'm eating. When I've tested my band... she's really pulled through. But, as we all know, we can sabatoge the effects of our band. Which, I have not done.

My past has really screwed with the way I view normal eating. Whatever that is. This time I'm trying to not be all crazy strict about food... I'm trying to eat what I honestly think I can continue to eat for the rest of my life. This way is obviously not the epitome of the perfect and terricially balanced healthy diet, BUT IT'S DOABLE I'M GOING FOR THIS FINAL TIME. I can do this... with Babette... and your support... and if I remember for two minutes the things I'm learning...

Alot of this has to do with my appointment tomorrow. I'm stressed because I haven't lost anything in almost three weeks. And mathematically, weight loss should have happened. 184 is my new 191... remember that? I sure do! Also, I think my surgeon had wanted me to lose more weight before my tummy surgery... and I'm not sure I'm willing to eat any less than I am right now, and I'm obviously not losing. Circles here, sorry. I am estimating my excess skin weighs ten pounds... there's alot of it. I posted a picture of it months ago, and it's worse now. Even though I'm not losing pounds presently, I am going down in sizes, and the smaller I get, the larger my pita flap gets. EWWWWW.

Spontaneous:
Admitting what a crazy nut I am. :)

Food:
Strawberry/yogurt Zone bar, greek yogurt & honey, steak and potatoes. 700 calories, 46 grams of protein until dinner. I did do very well not grazing last night. It's really just a matter of being mindful of what I'm doing. And I think you can see how difficult that is for this crazy nut! I appreciate you loving me anyway, I really do.

Chunky Dunk

We're looking at license plate covers for Mr. W's new car... and at this point it's just getting silly. Plain old boring might be the ticket. Not a big fan of stickers and license plate covers, but given the right one, I'd consider it. These would be examples of what I would NOT consider: "Part time tech, full time geek master", "I banged the drummer" (that one would be for MY car, of course), and my personal favorite... "I don't skinny dip, I chunky dunk". Ah ha. Ha.

Seriously, though, Mr. W is concerned about me losing too much more weight. I still have boobs and butt. There is a part of me that says stop. Well, stop after my stomach surgery.... I'm assuming that will be around ten pounds of weight, which would leave me in the low 170's. Then, there is the part of me that says take this as far as you can. I think there's alot more chunky acceptance than there was even ten years ago... but, I still feel this pressure. IT'S AS IF I'M NOT LOSING, THEN I MUST BE GAINING. How warped is that? Typical "diet" mentality?

Spontaneous:
Nada.

Food:
Eggs w/ ham & cheese & green salsa, strawberry/yogurt Zone bar, turkey w/ gravey & mashed potatoes. 700 calories, lots of protein. Don't know about dinner yet. I need to work on not snacking at night. It hasn't been horrific, but I've been grazing "just because". No PMS or anything. I don't begrudge myself a little before bed treat, but maybe not as unplanned as it's become. There's always something to work on!

Chocolate and Whootenannies

Happy Easter! I thought I'd write something tonight, since all of our festivities are over, and Mondays are historically nuts at work for me. I pb'ed at my inlaws today... had to go to the bathroom because it was ALL coming back up. And GUESS WHAT? The toilet plugged... yes, yes it did. Good god. Thanks to Mr. W because he came to my rescue. But, seriously???

I was however more than able to get down some chocolate today. I fully planned to do so. And, it was very tame. No guilt. I keep wondering what "normal" eating really is... and I think todays indulgences were definitely within normal limits. I'm going to sleep happy tonight anyway. Chocolate makes me happy.

Ha ha ha! I was just kidding about the whootenannies part. I just put that in the title so more people would read this post. It seems to be the "magic" word. I was thinking about making up some whootenanny news... but there's nothing new to report. Well, except that chocolate makes me happy (wink wink).

Pictures of "THE dress" will absolutely be posted. I'm intentionally not posting details of it... because I just want to show you. Buying clothes is so fun again. Yesterday, I think I found the shoes I'm going to wear with "THE dress". And, I also cleaned out my closet of all of my old skinny clothes. I have been lugging around these clothes for years, because I felt that getting rid of them was somehow giving up hope. But, NOW I think that I didn't do all of this to wear OLD skinny clothes! After all the worry about whether or not I'd ever be a normal size... I'm going to buy NEW skinny clothes. I am going to enjoy this for all it's worth.

Sweet Dreams

Have you ever watched an older dog in REM sleep and wondered if they were dreaming about when they were a puppy and could run and frolick and play? Well, around the time I was getting my lapband, I would have dreams about skinny clothes shopping. Looking through racks of clothing, and happily picking armfuls to try on, with no worry about anything fitting or looking anything other than good. Like it used to be before I weighed almost three hundred pounds. I also had this one fabulous dream that I was on the Riviera, in a bikini, and caught my reflection in a window... and nodded approvingly to myself because I liked what I saw. It wasn't perfect, but it was very decent. I even had a scar from my stomach surgery...

I bring these up because those dreams are pretty much a reality for me now. It was so delightfully strange for me to be shopping this week for a black tie event. Especially because I wasn't in any fat sections. I'm definitely on the heavy end of normal... but I am NORMAL. I could pick any dress that I LIKED... not just whatever meager matronly fat girl clothes were begrudgingly offered for my consideration. I share this not to gloat, but to give hope. If you've ever read even one post of mine, you've probably got a fairly clear picture of what I expect from my band. I'm not going to diet. I can't. I've tried, and failed. Over and over again. And now... I'm living my dreams. So, if I can do it... YOU will also do it. If you are struggling with your band because it seems so slow... it is... but that's ok. YOU WILL GET THERE.

Spontaneous:
Mani and pedi. All alone with a good gossip magazine... heaven...

Food:
Ham & cheese omelette, zone bar, jalapeno poppers, chocolate cake. I'm at about 1500 calories for the day. I get a fill on Wednesday. Believe it or not, I am a little hesitant to lose very much weight in the next two weeks because my "dress" aka "THE dress" is a size 14, and fits perfectly at the moment, but I'm afraid a few pounds might make it too big. Don't you just hate when that happens? I AM LIVING THE DREAM!!!

Beverly Hillbillies

Is the perfect charity gala dress any less wonderful if you pay only $17 for it? No joke. I spotted this amazing little number from accross the crowded sales floor. I couldn't keep my eyes off of it. There was ONE in my size. I quickly grabbed it. My heart was pounding as I walked casually to the dressing room, so as not to appear overly excited. I took several dresses with me... but was only interested in one. It was the very first dress I would try on, and on it went... amazing color, cut, style... looked FABULOUS without looking like it was "trying". I was buying it... price was not a factor. I not so casually ran to the counter to pay for this perfect specimen of a dress. And it rang up at $17... I was ready to pay 20X that amount. It was as if heaven and earth moved, and the shopping gods provided divine intervention to almost GIVE me this dress, because we were obviously destined to be together. Now I can relax and have fun with accessories, lingerie, and shoes. And, when I get tons of compliments... and I WILL get tons of compliments... I will be proud to admit what I paid. I'm not about cheap buys, but I am ALL about great buys!

I'm realizing that this gala event is way out of my league. I don't care, it's going to be fun. But, they have started sending the silent auction information out... yeah... not going to happen for us. Amazing vacations, evenings w/ local notables, all very much out of my price range. Is it wrong that I'm willing to spend thousands of dollars on my skin surgery, but not on charity? I feel like I'm working with this population every day, and do my best to help these families to save health care dollars every day, so I'm doing my part? I can't help but to think how much I've put into losing weight... time and energy and MONEY. I feel very justified in this pursuit, but every once in a while, I think how nuts it kind of really is.

Spontaneous:
Another day I'm not worrying about it. Isn't that spontaneous in and of itself?

Food:
Activia & cottage cheese mix (yum), Zone bar, more Thai chicken and noodles (another yum). Last night, I bought my kids Easter baskets, and some candy. But not much. I'm realizing that I used to buy gobs of candy... for ME. They didn't really eat that much candy. I would "give" it to them, and then eat it myself. Amazing how they always ended up with MY favorites in their baskets and eggs? Coincidence? I think NOT. This year, I actually bought what THEY liked, and only enough pieces for 24 eggs. Twenty four PIECES of actual candy? That is stellar my friends. I can still have some, if I want. But, what sanity is this? Hooray! Happy Easter weekend, or long weekend, or whatever you celebrate... as long as it's band friendly! XOXO

Thursday Weekday Dish

Here ya go:

BREAKFAST:
Bagel w/ egg & cheese & bacon
Hash browns
Large diet coke

SNACK:
Handful of cookies
Diet coke

LUNCH:
Bacon Cheeseburger
Fries
Large diet coke

SNACK:
Candy bar
More diet coke

DINNER:
Fried chicken
Mashed potatoes & gravy
Mac & cheese
Biscuit
Diet coke

SNACK:
Breyers Mint chocolate chip ice cream


April Fools day? Yup. Unfortunately, fairly accurate of how I was eating at my heaviest. All about satisfaction, but rarely getting any. I was a Rolling Stone. More like an AVALANCHE... Anyway, thought I'd post THAT for a good laugh... ha ha ha. Typical American fast food diet. It's hard for me to believe I got that bad. I grew up in an organic, full grain, little animal products, hippie kitchen long before it was in fashion. I know better than to eat the way I was eating. The big question? WHY??? Lucky for you, I'm not in the mood to broach that subject today. Let's just keep this at funny? Did I say "ha ha ha" already?