A Quest to Become Medium Sized...

This is a refreshing blog: http://xbigjimxtoxmedjimx.blogspot.com/

PS- I can't leave you comments, can you allow access?

This moment

Not everything is perfect, but I am finally at a place in my life where I have learned to focus on happiness. Alot of credit goes to me- but lots also goes elsewhere.... my band, Mr. W, therapy, and good friends. My life IS better not fat and that is the honest truth. I say all this not to be boastful, but because I am so grateful. I am chubby- size 12 is not skinny. But I feel wonderful even though I NEVER MADE IT TO GOAL.

We were at a party with some friends last night. I was talking with two girlfriends who are way thinner than me. They work out tons and watch everything they eat. They avoid bread and desserts, not just in day to day life, but always. And you know what? I think it's crazy!!!

This is where I am grateful for my band. I CAN eat half of a breadstick, or a bite of raspberry cream tart- and NOT lose control. And you know what else? I didn't feel any less attractive or sexy because I'm two sizes larger than they are.

There was a time when I would have been upset with myself for not reaching goal or be embarrassed because I have cellulite on my thighs. But HELL! I don't weigh 300 lbs and a woman in her forties is entitled to a non-perfect body! Especially because it means I can enjoy food. Did I mention I am so grateful???

I am two and a half years out from my band surgery and my band is STILL working for me. The Mirena weight is off- my weight has been stable enough for a week that I'm ready to call it good. It took me since the beginning of October. I lost about one pound per week. At first, I counted protein and calories. Now, I'm just following band rules. I eat protein first. We eat out every day- I'm back to skipping ordering if I'm not hungry, and saving or throwing away at least half of my meal. It's worth it! I couldn't do that without help from my band.

I am learning to enjoy the here and now and am creating my own life. It has been a struggle for me to finally to discover all of this- and as frustrating as it is that it took me so long, I am so grateful to finally be here in this moment.

Worried about weight gain???

Ahhhh. It felt so good tonight to go catch up on blog reading. I've been MIA because things have been so good, not bad (in case you were worried). My work is AWESOME- I'm in a really great project, and have not had any regrets about leaving my high paying, yet dignity prostituting job. Who knew telling someone to stick it could feel SO DAMN GOOD???

We've been doing alot socially, which is why I haven't had time even on the weekends for blogging pleasure. Last weekend we had our annual Holloween party. I was Nicki Minaj and Mr. W was Lil Wayne- from the song "Knock Out". It was fun tramping it up, because isn't that what Holloween is all about? Mr. W looked sexy in his dreads and grill. Did I take pics? Maybe two- maybe I'll see if they are ok, and post. Don't hold your breath (I still have my picture issue).

So, I'll get to the point of why we are all here: weight gain. I have stated this previously, but in case you missed it- the reason I got weight loss surgery wasn't to lose weight, but to keep it off. I've been comfortable in the low-mid 170's for well over a year. No real work whatsoever at the maintenance phase.

When I was actively losing, I did count protein and calories (since I was there anyway), drank gobs of water, and weighed myself every day. The band was one of my weight loss tools. It augmented the other tools I was utilizing by helping me to recognize full signals and appropriate portion sizes.

And that's what I wanted out of my band in the maintenance phase- just a reminder of what's a "normal" way of eating (for me, which is another post in itself).

With the weight I've gained from the Mirena- it's caused me to actually have to focus on my weight and utilize other tools besides what the band can offer me in my quest. I've "almost" lost the Mirena pounds twice now. But, I have to journal what I'm eating. I weigh myself. And exercise- which I really only want to do for fun and not for weight loss, because for me that's not maintainable. I go through exercise periods, but it's never constant, and not the most reliable way of keeping weight off from my personal experience.

THE BIGGEST THING I'VE LEARNED ABOUT WEIGHT GAIN IS THIS: NOT TO BE AFRAID OF FOOD. Blogging has been where I've worked out my relationship with food. It's brain fucking to have your body reward you for over eating chemically, and then in another part of your brain feel intense loss of control and guilt. All at the same time. WTF?

So, with the lapband- I will eat yumminess, because I want to enjoy my life. I now eat yumminess responsibly! Sometimes it's saving calories. I'm not a daytime eater, so it's no biggie for me to eat less during the day, if I know I'm going to want to drink or eat something special that evening. Often times, it's portion control- a few slow savoring bites are every bit as rewarding in the brain as a pig out- without triggering the guilt portion of the brain. It's genious, no?

And, in all honesty- if the band doesn't work for me (it is supposed to be doing some work, too)- then I will not hesitate to pursue further weight loss surgery options. There seem to be so many things stacked against me in the obesity battle, that I'm willing to do what it takes on my end, to level the playing field.

I have lost my weight- at least to the point where I'm happy- 170's, size 12. I still weigh myself almost every day. When my weight goes up- I track protein and calories. It looks like I will never be one of those people who don't need to watch or be careful when it comes to their weight.

Our weights are always going to fluctuate. Our brains and fat cells are programmed with our obesity patterns. But, just like with any chronic illness- it can be managed. Even though I've been spoiled with a year of not having to watch what I'm eating, I'm willing to do it (again and forever) if necessary (damn you Mirena). I'm not cured of this disease, but my quality of life is very high.

I could go on here, but I did take my Ambien, and that often ends strangely here on my blog. My point is, let's stick together. I was reading tonight more than a few of us who are out 2 or so years worried about being a statistic. There are reasonable options for us, but we need to be realistic about where an obtainable AND maintainable place is for us to be. I'm wondering if we need to define success more accurately?

Hired, left hand, Maryland, cancer, and twins

Thanks for the welcome back. It's funny because I randomly think about blogging friends, mostly during day to day activities. I should start a log and post THAT. I am so glad I quite that job. So many little things and many you can only find out during unusual circumstances (aka "my life story").

Quick post tonight. I was officially hired at my old job. I've got a couple of weeks off, HR can't get everything together until that very first week in October. I have a two week vacation!

Since I do have time, I'm flying out to my parents house in Maryland on Thursday and taking my 6 year old as a birthday present. The town's fallfest is this weekend- parades, rides, food, you name it. Looks like it's supposed to rain. Booo. We'll still find plenty to do. I would really like to take him to the Smithsonian.

Since I also have time, I'm going to go get this thing that just recently popped up on my face looked at. I think it is a basal cell carcinoma. 3/10 people get it, and it has a 99% cure rate. There's probably a few people reading this that no more than I do about the subject.

Oh, I forgot to mention LEFT HAND. Did anyone else see the article on CNN today? If you eat with your nondominate hand, you will eat 30% less food. If it's something you're really not that crazy about eating (stale popcorn was the example given)- you could eat up to 60% less.

Things are right for us. We been having lots of "perfect moments". Kinda nice, wish it would stay like this, it's the way life should be. I'll enjoy it while I have it...

I am back- for good!

I have been working extremely hard during the past month at my new job. Learning lots! The traveling has not been as bad as I was dreading. My family was getting along reasonably well. Everything was coming along as expected. Until Friday afternoon. I won't bore anyone with the details, but I was put in a no win situation by my boss. There were completely false lines being drawn. When I offered my input, I was honestly told to not speak to her that way, and that I was being defensive and kept interrupting. Ok. Obviously this person does not know me. At all. It was made very clear that she was not interested in hearing anything other than what she had already made up in her mind. The lines of two way communication and direct problem solving were slammed shut. Hard.

This interaction blew the wind right out of my sails. My learning curve has been moving along quickly, and I found lots of enjoyment in things that I was told I would not like. I'm sure there's plenty of help and correction that could be given to me at this point. I'm tired and probably not explaining this well- but as Mr. W put it- I am willing to work too hard, and give too much- for anyone to treat me in such a condescending manner.

No money is worth it. Some of the most wealthy people I know, are also some of the most unhappy people I know. I do not need to take what is tantamount to abuse, just to make money. I was happy at my old job, and they are eager to have me return. I must be spoiled, but this is the first time in my career that I've ever encountered this level of... I don't even know what to call it. But I know that I don't need to put up with it.

So, my previous job is willing to take me back. It would be great if it could be Monday morning, but we'll have to get through some HR stuff. I called the trainer at my new job, and let her know my intentions. I wasn't sure who to send my resignation to in the HR department. I also want to try to determine if it is better to stay for two weeks, or just go since I'm in training and it's really a waste of everyone's time and money for me to stay. I think I'll be at home on Monday...

It's weird, but I feel as comfortable in my decision to leave this job as I did with my decision to go to it. I've gained a course on some important concepts in this industry, and some new ways of looking at some very dynamic situations. I've lost nothing here. Strangely, I did not see this coming. It took the wind out of my sails completely on Friday afternnon, but I'm not stressed or worried, and the right thing to do is very clear.

Good news- my bloat is finally good, my stomach looked great in jeans this evening. I might try to weigh myself tomorrow- it's been well over a month. I feel empowered to spend some time watching what I eat, and I'm ready to lose a little more weight.

I'm getting tired, but I did want to announce that I'm back. And happy about it. I'm excited to read what's been going on with everyone. I've missed this part of my life alot.

This is it... & thank you

Life as I know it will never be the same after tomorrow. It's my last day working for the company I've been with for eight years. My husband works for the same company, and we've been driving to work together for years- sometimes it's the only time we get with each other. Of course I've been doing the countdown... "this is the last Thursday we'll ever do this" kind of thing. And at work, I just pretend like everything is normal, and that there will be another day. After tomorrow, there isn't.

I'm excited to get started in my new job... mainly to get over the first few months- quickly. I like to be good at what I do, but I also love to learn- which means I need to do things I'm not good at yet. I am absolutely beyond happy to get this experience. I fly out to Philadelphia on Sunday, and then I officially start on my next chapter in life.

Did I mention that my stepson has come to live with us? We were able to get him into the same private school that our six year old goes to, and I think this is going to work out very well. We had such a nice visit over the summer- honestly the first enjoyable visit probably ever. Not that it was the kids fault- it was usually a mix of many unfortunate factors. Anyway, I think with me being gone alot, it's going to give Mr. W and his sons time together without my interference. I don't believe in coincidence, and this is could be an unbelievable opportunity.

Weight. It's still up from the Mirena weight, but edging back down. I'm a little frustrated because I'm not eating differently than before... my body really is reacting differently. I'm down two of the five pounds, and will hopefully get the rest off soon. I feel really chubby and I think I look bloated. I really don't want a battle over this, and am hoping this weight resolves itself while I'm alone. I'm a social eater, and don't really eat unless other people are around. Ugh. I've so enjoyed this past year and not having to fight to be at a weight I was ok with (170-175, depending on the time of month). I'm freaking if I see 180. I am truly, honestly and really happy at around 170.

This is really it. The last night I'm going to be able to blog like this. Comfy, cozy, snuggled up in my bed... hurrying before the ambien hits... reading "just a couple" of blogs... I'll still blog, but everything in my life will be different, and I think even better. If I haven't said it in awhile- thank you band, for giving me my life back, and in some ways a new life. Thank you.

Now it's bloggers fault!

The inability to leave comments cascaded into the inability to access my blog correctly altogether. And then I just kind of gave up with it. I did want to mention how much I appreciate the comments from new (to me) bloggers.

I am in the last two weeks of my current job. Furiously ending projects, passing them onto the service providers, training people like mad, and trying to organize the way I should have been all along. It blows my mind that one year ago, I knew I needed just one amazing project to stand out- and hit the jackpot with my very first assignment. I was in disbelief even while it was happening that it was what it was. And I was able to deliver on everything after that, and one year later- I feel like I can blow it out of the water. I'm excited to take my skills to the next level. I have had amazing mentoring and education, and have worked my ass off.

I've also been getting ready for my new job almost every second that I'm not at my old job. My new license picture is HORRIBLE, but I LOVE IT. I'm not 300 lbs in it! Just a little bit startled. Yes!

Shopping has become an ironic punishment from hell. I've had to do so much of it, and since the things I need generally are not on sale, I'm extremely picky. For full price, clothes have to almost transform me. Here's a hint: I've been purposely shopping without make-up on, because if I can look great in an outfit without it... I know it will only be even better when I wear it for real.

Oh, and I also had the bright idea to get Mirena (IUD) so I don't get my period while I'm traveling. I asked my doctor if she thought that was a crazy idea, and she said that other women had done it for the same reason. When I had one previously, I wasn't mental, it cleared my skin, and I never had my period. This time however- I'VE GAINED WEIGHT. Five ligitimate pounds. I AM NOT A HAPPY CAMPER ABOUT THIS. The only things that are keeping me from ripping it out myself are 1) I know side effects generally wear off (and I'm only about 4 weeks into this) and 2) I will be traveling, and probably not eating, and that will hopefully take this stupid weight off. I have not done a real thing to maintain my weight loss, but I have not ruled out having to actually count calories or put some effort into this if my weight doesn't normalize.

The kids all start school right around the time I start my job. My step-son unexpectedly came to live with us. The month we spent with the kids this summer was so good- we gave him an open invitation. Much to everyone's surprise, his mother (a general term for her...) agreed. So, we're putting him in the same private school that our 6 year old goes to. Expensive, but worth the peace of mind. He gave us zero grief about the decision, and while I know he's a teenager and will often act like one, I think he's going to do very well with all of this.

It seems like there has been so much else going on. Literally not a second to spare, but it's all been positive. Even with the weight gain, I still wear the same size, and clothes look fine. The weight is water, I can see the "bloat"...gross. Anyway, other than THAT, everything is good. And I've still been sneaking in reading blogs, even though I was ticked, and blogger refused to cooperate on my end. Now I'm off to read a little more, and go.to.sleep!

Damn you all!

Why must you be so interesting? Sometimes when I only have a few minutes, I go to check blogs really quickly- and get sucked in by so many damn interesting posts- for more than a few minutes. Tonight I didn't even try to comment, so I have no idea if that's fixed or not. Did I miss a post where this was explained by some brilliant blogger or other?

So, Utah pretty much sucks. I need to get a new license before my new job and traveling. My current picture is of me at my highest weight- 130 lbs ago. When I fly, TSA look at my license, then at me, then back at my license, then back at me... also happens at less critical places all the time. Plus, my vain side doesn't want to show up to my new job and have anyone there see me looking like that. No way...

Back to why Utah sucks. In order to get a replacement picture/license- I have to have my social security card, certified copies of: my birth certificate, marriage certificates x 3, divorce decrees x 2, and of course two pieces of official mail at my current address. CERTIFIED COPIES of 6 (SIX) documents to proove who I am. That takes time AND money, my friends. I believe I now have everything necessary- and will soon have the priveledge of visiting one of our lovely and ever efficient DMV offices...

Joy! In band news, nothing new. Maintaining. No exercise. Have increased veggies a bit. Trying to decrease alcohol a bit. I think this is the way it should be. No craziness with food.

Ok, so I'm going to go do the official work I got on my laptop to do, before all you damn bloggers took up so much of my time. ;)

It's like getting paid to eat chocolate...

My new job starts on August 22nd. I should get the offer in writing next week. The negotiation thingy worked- crazy. I'd have done it for a whole lot less. I want the JOB, the money is secondary. Although it's very nice to feel tangibly valued. Honestly, for me this will be like getting paid to eat chocolate.

I'm thinking I want to actually start watching what I eat- as in no junk, and eat for nutrients and quality AND also start running, specifically for the health benefits. There's about six weeks until I start my job, and my goal is to feel healthy and strong. I want to do this because I'm starting to think I'm worth the investment. Yes, stinky thinking dies hard. My band is being wonderful and it's beyond nice to not be controlled by food.

Our house has been a zoo this week. My step son's 16th birthday was on the fourth, so we had a houseful of people, food, and fireworks (which were outside!). My sister and b-i-l and their new (18mos!) baby are visiting from California. My son is here to see an orthopedist, and everyone will be here tonight... the rest of the weekend is just as (actually more!) insane.

Blogger is naughty. My blog freezes- and I can't leave comments. Pffffffffffffft on you blogger. :(

Negotiations... ?!?

The job offer salary is almost double what I'm making. The woman extending the offer asked if I was ok with the numbers... so, I countered- because it seemed like that was what she was asking me to do. If they meet my counter at all, I will be shocked- the original offer was more than I even dreamed of, however I didn't want them to think I was a push over. Anyway, I guess these are the games we play...

THANK YOU BAND FOR HELPING ME REACH MY GOALS. I knew my band would pay for itself. Women can't afford to not take care of themselves- this surgery for me will be a huge return on investment. In retrospect, I couldn't afford to NOT do this. Living life feels better than eating and all that other shit. I'm so happy to be at this point in my life. Happy!

Dream job called, again

The job was offered to me today.

So, now's probably a bad time to ask... but any thoughts on jobs that require all travel? I knew what it was when I hit "send"- I know it will be difficult, but for the experience- I figure it will be well worth it. Any last "hell no, don't do its" ???

Mr. W says I'll do just fine because I'm used to doing hard things... huh, huh, huh- (insert sexual inuendo here).

On the positive side, I need to buy clothes. My current boss is so sweet- we went suit shopping over the weekend. It's weird for me to buy things without looking for a sale. But, it's awesome fitting into, and looking half way decent in clothes. Although I have to admit I still always check out the plus size clothing... just to see what's there...

Can you believe it was a year ago?

We had a big birthday party today for my grandson's first birthday. Needless to say this year has felt like it's flown by. The baby is now a little boy, and my little girl is now a grown woman... oh, that's weird to say...

She really went to alot of trouble and planning to make this party special, and she did a terrific job. She insisted on making capcakes and frosting from scratch- which turned out delicious, but I think she's going to make things much simpler for herself with future birthday baking, etc...

It was a lovely day, but the mix of people was bizarre, and I'm an emotional cripple (ugh). Let's recap who was there? Baby's dad (who I have not seen in a year), his parents (who adopted him), his aunt (who is really his birth mother), her children, their grandparents (divorced), the grandfather's parents (about 100 years old), other aunts and cousins from the dad's side. Also in attendance was my daughter's dad (my ex-husband), my ex m-i-l-, my ex-husband's daughter (from the woman he cheated with), my in-laws (baby's step-grandparents), my sister & her family, my brother & his family, my husband's children (baby's step-aunt and step-uncle), a few other friends of my daughter's- and I think that's close to everyone.

Tonight my step-daughter and my ex-husband's daughter are having a sleepover in our downstairs family room together. Who would have guessed that scenario? Not me. This whole day was just so strange- and I did my shut down thing again. I really hate that. I wish I didn't get that way because I looked pretty good, my career is awesome, I have a fabulous husband, and everything about the party was wonderful. It would make more sense to take the perfect opportunity to go around and gloat- but I just emotionally retreat. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

I was overwhelmed and I've been absolutely exhausted this week. Trying to knock stuff out of the ball park at work. I got an email from the recruiter for the job I interviewed for, and also from the VP who flew me out- both saying they were just checking references. Which I assume means that they are going to offer me the job? Well, as long as my references are favorable, and they WILL be good. My current boss is completely supportive, and gives me lots of positive feedback. I will feel bad if I leave her, but she understands that the political climate of our organization is what it is, and that this could be the opportunity of a lifetime. I told the HR guy he was welcome to call any of my previous employers (because I know they'll all give me stellar reviews).

Anyway, I'm physically and emotionally exhausted, and I wish I had not been so introverted today, and I feel like I'm walking a tight wire, and hopefully I'll get lots of sleep tonight, and rest tomorrow, and my life will go back to a little slower pace. Or not, if I get this new job. I know I must secretly thrive on stress. But, good thing is... I'm only chubby now... and my stomach is flat... which I love every single day. I could use some lipo and a boob job, but all in good time...

Even if I didn't do so well today, it was still neat to see all these people get together for one very loved little guy. Each year brings things I never would have guessed... life is truly stranger than fiction...

Are you too nervous to eat?

That was the question I got at the interview breakfast today... and I was trying to eat, but I'm a picker now... however I did eat all of my bacon... one bite of toast (and that's an accomplishment as many bandsters can attest to), and a couple of bites of egg. We went to a diner type of place, so the choices were limited. I actually wasn't nervous, and thanks to some good advice, I just said I wasn't much of a breakfast eater, and that the food was delicious, and left the explanation at that.

The presentation went well, and I think the interview process was good. I go on automatic pilot, and just cross my fingers that I'm stringing words and sentences correctly! The feedback was positive, yet I still wonder if they were just being nice to let me down easily. The very last thing we discussed was salary and start dates, and we were on the same page with those. I'd like to think that was a positive sign. Honestly, I've never not gotten a job I've gone for, and I don't know how I'd handle that. I think I'd be fine. I'm a believer in everything happening for a reason. They'll let me know by next week...

So I'm back at my parents for all of six hours, and we've already resumed the food tour of my home town. It appears I actually didn't get to everything last month when I was here. This is when I love my band. It's a broken record coming from me, but it's awesome to be friends with food. I can enjoy a little of everything. Food really does seem to be love for families and that seems to be a universal thing. And I love food. Wow, that's alot of love here.

It's a relief the interview process is over, and I'm going to take it easy for awhile. I've been putting so much time and emotional energy into it- I'm glad it's done. I fly back to Utah on Saturday, and Mr. W and I have a Poison/ Motley Crue concert on Sunday. Did anyone see
"Hot Tub Time Machine"? These was were the two of the bands featured in that movie. We love all things 80's- even if I wasn't a headbanger when I was a teenager- it's fun to go back. My dad asked me "who goes to these concerts?" ...and I told him the PTA. It's true- who let's all the parents into these shows???

I'm off to see if blogger will update and then spend some time reading posts. I'm still a terrible commenter, but I'm actually a good reader! It's fun, and I'm constantly learning and enjoying following everyone's journeys. I wonder if I'll ever lose interest, but I don't think so. I'm going to go snag some Ben & Jerry's really quick, because I'm good calorie wise. This is shaping up to be a very relaxing night!

Breakfast !?!

My interview next Thursdays is scheduled to start- with breakfast!?! I can't eat in the mornings. I think I can eat oatmeal without needing to head for the restroom. Is it wrong that I don't want first introductions to include eating issues? Help !?!

Band update: Well, there really isn't one. Weight is steady- for well over a year now. Still eat whatever I want- just smaller portions. Size 12- top and bottom. Restriction remains. Everything and every reason I got my band for is happening- physical and mental health, clothes and shopping, fitting into society better (literally and figuratively), and obtaining what I thought I needed to progress professionally.

But, I am admittedly abnormal in my ability to eat- and I am also admittedly not sure how to deal with this in a new social situation. Can't I just pretend I was never fat?

Congratulations!

Today my daughter graduates from high school! She's really gotten her act together, and I'm proud of her accomplishment. The expectation was for no less than this, and what I'm the most proud of to this point, is that she's registered for all of her college classes in the fall. From my experience (or lack of)- education will be key for her to live a fulfilled life.

Speaking of lack of education... my face to face interview is on June 16th in Philadelphia. They don't usually interview people with "your profile". I GET IT! But, someone is smart enough to see that I am more than capable. The phone interview went very well. I think "who" I knew was what convinced them of "what" I knew. That's kind of a bummer because I was excited to talk shop with someone. The face to face is just to make sure that I dress professionally (HOW I LOOK- THANK YOU BAND), that I can handle myself professionally (it's only eight hours a day!?!), and that I can give a damn good presentation (and I can).

It's strange to think that only two weeks ago my grandmother passed away, and all the emotion that went along with that. Here we are now- life goes on and the good comes after the difficult. I want lots of good things for my daughter's life, and today marks that beginning.

Dream job called

Got home Sunday afternoon- flying is so much easier on me now that I've lost weight. Good thing, because my dream job called- and I'm that much closer to flying all the time.

On my way into work on Monday, I called the HR/recruiter person AGAIN. Holy hell, they answered the phone! The guy called me back (well, actually they ditched me again- but I called him- HA HA)- and honestly it was a little bit awkward. He thought I was DOA because of my education level. But, an hour later, HE CALLED ME. One of the VP's was "really interested".

This afternoon I got a call from someone NOT in HR/recruiting, telling me how sorry she was that she was getting back to me so late but that she herself had just seen my resume, and they were "really interested" and she didn't want me to think that they weren't. She said those exact words. She was in an airport catching a flight, and she's going to call me tomorrow for a phone interview and basically to set up a time to meet. I think she WILL actually call me.

I'm excited to talk with someone who will be excited (and UNDERSTAND) what I do! Usually people's eyes just gloss over with overwhelming boredom- but I love what I do and this little niche, and I think this conversation will NOT be awkward, and I'm looking forward to it. I just want to get to it!

So, I may be flying back out to my parents. Things are still good.

Anger & Beauty

My grandmother looked absolutely beautiful today (technically yesterday, it's Sunday morning where I am, and the world appears to still be here). My grandma looked truly beautiful this last time that I was able to see her. I have to say that my mom and I picked a lovely dress for her, and she had on her pearl necklace and earrings. The funeral home did her hair and make-up so well... she looked natural and peaceful and pretty.

There was no end of the world blow up, at least in my family. I leave in four hours, and I've been at home for seven entire days with no one fighting. I've seen my sister upset, but not over anything new, not on this particular trip anyway. I'm terrified to let my guard down with my mom, but even after my extremely upset and angry blog last night, there's still a part of me that wants to believe that my mom is capable of unconditional love and that things have improved.

I don't know if there's been closure and resolution. On some things I think there have been, but I'm still processing. My mom and dad keep trying- they spend lots of money on travel for all of us to see them, and to see each other. I want to just give them a break, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to make myself that vulnerable. If that makes sense.

The service for my grandma was as beautiful as she was. It was held outdoors at a little church in the country that was built in the 1740's. The weather could not have been more perfect- seventy degrees and sunny. She is now buried with three of her four children. I felt like the words that were spoken were a beautiful tribute and captured who she really was, minus all of the emotional burdens she carried. It wasn't so much about not saying bad things, but forgiving and understanding that those were not who she was, but something she sadly carried.

I'd like nothing more than to believe that my mom is doing the best that she can with the baggage she carries. Even though I understand that it's "not me"... it's difficult when it hurts me... and it also takes a physical toll on me that I can't really afford to pay. I want to just get over it, let it go, forgive & forget... if only it were that easy.

For this very moment, beauty has overcome anger.

If I go to hell... (& Ambien alert)

If I go to hell, it will not be for drinking, kinky sex, little white lies, or not going to church. It will be because I stood in the bathroom of a very swank Italian restaurant throwing up a beautiful meal, which I intententionally paid for the ability to do, while listening to Frank Sinatra croon and thinking about the millions of people in the world at that very second, who were without any food at all, and literally starving to death.

Turns out my mothers unconditional love is really misdirected anger. I've purposefully been out of the loop for almost seven years, and I would have thought that lessons as parents would be learned, and dealing with children would be accomplished with a whole new level of experience and understanding. Guess not. Just new people to direct it all at. I'm torn- thrilled it's not me, sad to see the tears on my beautiful sisters who do not understand 1) where it comes from, or 2) how to make it stop. I've been lucky, this time, this trip. But it's not over yet. The funeral is tomorrow, and that will be the most volitile time if I had to take a guess.

Probably why the end of the world will be tomorrow- it's going to start with my family. I honestly hope SOMETHING happens to end this precisely and finally! Bring it! We'd all be grateful! I would miss my dear husband and son so much, but I believe in a very spiritual and loving supreme being, and the three of us in our little family are good people who really love each other, and a loving God would be certain that we are able to be with each other. If it's any other kind of supreme being, then I'm not interested. Come hell what may. I already know a very real hell. I am more prepared than most religious zealouts, I've been there and know how to act.

Fucked up. But my mom looked really pretty tonight. She's gotten so small (frail?) on the Ideal Protein program. She wants my husband and I to come start up a center for her- which has worked wonders to bring her back to being a tiny little woman. And with her hair and make up tonight, she looked like the beautiful put together woman I barely remember as a mother. She looked young and pretty. Heartbreaking, because it lends to the credibility that things are better- but they aren't. I thought with her mother passing, that's why she was being so accepting of me. No, not really. I just have siblings that are deflecting the heat their way for varied reasons. I feel so much sympathy and empathy. I have words of advice, but they are hollow for now.

Tomorrow is the funeral and the real test. If hell is close, it will show itself tomorrow. I know where I'm at risk- my apathy for worldwide situations. For others, maybe hell will be close for the torment through which they put the people who were counting on them for love and nurturing care. I've always felt there were going to be some reather shocking surprises at the end.

In case I don't get another chance- good luck tomorrow. Hopefully we can all blog on Sunday morning!

Overwhelmed

I am touched by so much sentiment... I appreciate all of the loving support. This whole experience has been healing for me. The night my grandmother passed away was a very long one. When I could get her comfortably medicated, everything was peaceful... but there were moments when I prayed for an angel of mercy. I'm used to working in a (usually) very controlled environment (the OR), and without suction and relying on atropine drops... well, I felt helpless, and I couldn't fathom how it was anything less than torturous for her. Luckily, the majority of the time she seemed very comfortable. I really wanted her to feel no discomfort or pain at all.

It was relieving to see her one last time. Coming home after almost seven years away has been surprisingly therapeutic. I've been able to connect with new friends and re-connect with many old friends. I have had the opportunity to spend alot of time with my best friend from high school- we can go long periods of time when we're just "busy"- but we always pick up exactly where we left off. Plus, I think she actually enjoys hearing about the drama that is my crazy family.

I was also able to see my oldest and best childhood friend, the boy (man?) who my mom stumbled upon on facebook, that I've written about fairly recently. I thought I would be leaving today, but I'm staying until Sunday so I can be here for the funeral. So, I tried to cram everything into two days... keeping that in mind, my sweet childhood friend drove to see me after work on Tuesday evening (last night?!?). He brought his mom along, too- and it was comforting to go back and talk about such good times. It was a time warp! A fabulous one. I told him we'd have to get our families together this summer so he and my husband can commiserate about how mean I am... ;)

Tomorrow I get to meet the godmother I've only seen in pictures. And on Thursday, I get to see my aunt whom I've not seen since I was a teenager. I know death is a time of gathering, but I'm a fairly non-social person, and this has been overwhelming- way more than I'm used to. My mom is being unusually real, and I've felt like I could be my true self around her, and that she is accepting me- I've honestly enjoyed all of our time together. I've even been able to have some girl bonding with my 18 year old sister, whom I've never really gotten to know well- I was long gone by the time she was born- in fact she and my daughter were born only 10 days apart. She unexpectedly stayed up to help me keep late night vigil over our grandmother and we were able to connect and communicate on a very deep level. Everything is coming around so full circle, I'd think I'm about to die or something.

You know what's funny? One of the first things I thought when my grandma passed away is- "wow, my grandma died- I can eat anything I want today". I used to find that excuse EVERY day. I still do eat whatever I want- but it's been made especially worse by being back in my home town and trying to quickly eat my way through all of my indiginous food favorites. It's all been good up until my crab chip (thin potatoe chips with old bay seasoning) dinner this evening- now I do feel gross! I bought them in the store this afternoon and told my mother "yes, I plan on eating chips for dinner tonight"- wow, it's great to be in my forties... :)

Despite all this goodness, my body has had it today. My fibromyalgia is flaring today- at points I hurt so badly I wanted to cry. I've spent the majority of the day in bed. I'm a little embarrassed to have this happen at my parents house. There's always been an intense need I've had to be completely strong and compitent in front of my parents. This disease definitely makes me vulnerable. But so far, being this exposed has not proven detrimental.

I'm using up my cosmic share of talking people's ears off (or writting their eyes out?)- so I'm done. Thank you for all of the sweet comments, everyone has been so wonderful.

May 17th 2011

This morning my grandmother passed away in her sleep... and death was a welcome visitor.There's still so uch to procees...

Night Shift

First of all, I had the most lovely dinner with Read tonight. She is an angel to put up with me this evening. With the pending death of my grandma, my mind is all over the place, and I'm evaluating so much- and she kindly let me rant. I really appreciated that. Plus, it was so nice to get to know her better, and she even gave me a ride in her kick-a convertable. My camera was in my purse, but guess what- no pictures! True to form. Sigh. At least I have great memories...

When I returned home from dinner, my grandmother wasn't doing so well. I'm a nurse, but I've always done pediatrics, and am relatively clueless when it comes to this kind of dying. She's not been lucid since last Friday, she's in this perpetual "sleep" state... however she does moan when her morphine wears off- and that I understand. So I'm staying awake tonight to keep up with her dosing frequency. My mom has been so attentive to her mom, but I don't think she completely gets the importance of staying on top of pain. I don't want her to suffer, not even for a second.

So here's something I don't get... how does someone continue to live in an almost complete state of unconsciousness, and wanting to die... but still breathes and lives for days? I want to die fast. Even making sure she's well medicated, I know she's miserable. It seems so wrong.

This sounds horribly shallow (I suppose that's just how I am)- but I spoke with my daughter this evening and told her I would haunt her if she ever let me be in this state- and didn't make sure that I had no facial hair. Seriously, if she let me have a moustache and beard- I'd be mortified. She either needs to make sure someone comes in regularly to wax me, or make sure I'm dead. I prefer the dead part. Honestly. BTW, my grandmother does NOT have facial hair, I'm just worried for my hairy self- I do get strays, and if they accumulated... well, not pretty.

Since I've been home (all of 24 hours)- I've already had the opportunity to hit up some of my favorite Maryland foods. Popeye's chicken for starters- I should have been grossed out- but I wasn't. I was able to have a little bit of blue crab while at dinner with Read tonight- YUM. My mom wants to get pastries at the pastry shop on Main Street that is owned and ran by real Germans. Crack. Good thing I'm only here for a few days- I don't know how I ever stayed thin in this town. Thank heaven for my band.

There's so much more that's going on, but this is enough for now. Things are going well enough- this trip was necessary for me, and I'm getting lots of good closure. I hope my grandma gets the same soon and finds the peace she deserves.

Flying to Maryland today

It's Sunday afternoon, and I'm catching a flight in a few hours to head home. I'm going with my heart instead of my head- I want to spend some time with my grandma while she's still alive.

If any Maryland/Pennsylvania girls want to get together in Westminster for dinner some evening, let me know.

Stuck in time & I am an END GIRL!!!

My blog freezes... I'm not techy enough to know why or how to fix the problem. Other than that, everything is good. No news is good news. All of the back to back family activities ended painlessly. We had a group family picture session for my husbands side of the family... and NSV... I was an END GIRL! For those of you who have not been subjected to large family portraits, they put the smaller people on the ends. Granted it was a matter of perspective that I was smaller, and I'm aware that I'm still a chubber- but I left the session feeling amazing about not having to be hidden in the middle.

Progress with the dream job is slow, but still moving forward. Why are large corporations like this? They call me, and then are in no hurry. I'm not in a rush per se, but I am the kind of person who likes to jump in and get the ball moving. Anyway, I've been a lot less conservative in my work attire since I've lost weight. I want to have fun with clothes and shopping! But, I think I need to go back to very conservative. I'm having a difficult time finding a suit cut that I like. Actually and surprisingly, I've found slacks that I like quite easily, but blazers have been more of a challenge. Probably because of the time of the year, too. Anyway, any tips would be appreciated.

Weight is... steady. I am so so so grateful. And it is very convenient to be the same size on the top and bottom. Who gets that? I do! Size 12 makes me happy. Not obese, I can eat and drink, but maintain a weight that doesn't look sloppy. Well, I guess I can still pull off sloppy, but I can also fix up ok if I want to...

My grandma went home to hospice at my parents house. Still trying to figure out when I'll be in Maryland. I'm horrible, but I'm trying to coordinate interviews before she passes away. Hopefully I won't regret that. My boss told me to get out of my head and go with my heart. You all know what a challenge that is for me. But, I also feel like I'll know when the time is right. If I have to make a choice, I think I want to see her while she's still alive. I'm her oldest grandchild, and she and I spent so much time together. This is tearing me up inside.

I'm going to end here, and see if my blog is unfrozen and if I can catch up on some blog reading. Have a great weekend- I plan on it. I'm going to lay out in my yellow polka dot bikini and drink cold moscato while I supervise the lawn work. Tell me it doesn't get any better than that? I whine alot, but I've got it pretty good.

Rozerem girl strikes!!!

• With the intent of switching things up, I've added the sleeping medication Rozerem to the Ambien I take. Rozerem hits quite a bit faster than my Ambien- there's no play time. There aren't too many feelings worse than the startle awake worry that maybe I z-mailed or blogged under the influence? Yup, I did...

• The Ambien has been losing its efficacy (as to be expected), and I was hoping to replace it with the Rozerem, but it looks like I'm going to have to take it in addition to. That is fine, Rozerem increases melatonin or something similar to that, and is marketed as non-addicting. It's been working great for almost two weeks. The first week I was tired all of the time, but I rode out that side effect since they usually wear off, and I think it has. Fingers crossed that this new drug doesn't lose it's efficacy too quickly.

• Speaking of not losing efficacy, I have been so pleased with my band this week. We have been eating out every day, and my band helps me to be so reasonable. For example, I can eat exactly half a cheese burger (with bun!), and a couple (ok, maybe three) fries. I do not drink with meals while I'm out because I will "bp" for certain if I do. I did eat an entire super nachos yesterday, but it took me from 11 am until 4 pm (FIVE hours) to accomplish the task, and there was no thought or desire to eat anything else for the rest of the day.

• As we were out and about during the week, I kept particularly noticing obese women. It would break my heart- I know how miserable they are. It made me want to really use the tool I have and not let it go to waste. Ok, so my choices have not been stellar, I have been trying to focus on protein, which was probably the only band "rule" I kept religously. I've let that slide a bit... literally... now that I'm not focused on loss. I feel so fortunate to have this help!!! I want to utilize this tool for a very long time- I can not go back. I won't go back.

• Like many other bandsters, I get a little bit concerned around holidays because they center around food. How many holidays are about giving candy??? Anyway, I did make a conscious effort to try to buy toys and not candy for my children this year. I did buy a little bit, but stuff I'm not crazy about. In years past, I would buy the kids candy that I liked... yup, I would. I am having to make an effort to not put myself in a bad position as far as candy. I did have some homemade crack peanut butter eggs my sister made... she obviously hates me. ;)

• So, as mentioned in my tell-all Rozerem induced post, I have lots of emotional stuff in the next couple of weeks. It will be interesting to see how it affects my eating. I will be keeping a close eye on this. I think I'm going to do ok because I'm making the effort to be aware of both how I'm feeling and what I'm eating. Am I the only one who thinks its crazy that we have to focus so much on this aspect of our lives???

"Beach & Moon"

• Long story summed up: Swiss -> French -> English translation-> "Bitch & Moan" and I'm about to do it!

• Going to a family luau tomorrow. My grandmother is Hawaiian, and they are famous for these. But it's going to be outside, and it will be maybe 55 degrees out, and I feel like they only want us there for a freak show. Mr. Wonderful is staying sane about this, and says we should go and have a good time and ignore anyone we don't want to deal with. This side of the family thinks they are so perfect, and are judgemental of anyone they consider a "loser"- a term they letfreely fly. The last time they saw me, I was at my absolute heaviest. I do NOT enjoy the "oh, you look so good... how did you do it... wow, you used to be a complete heifer and now you're not... good job fatty!"


• I missed most of work this week to spend time with my six year old. I have plans a, b, and c- but thought it would be really great bonding time if I spent as much time as I could doing things with him. We hung out with cousins, went to dinner, went swimming, drove to favorite parks, went to the mall to meet the easter bunny, ran around toys 'r'us, went to jump & bounce, the library, out to dinner, and we still need to make plans for the weekend. hopefully the stupid luau will build fabuous childhood memories!


• Work was alot of drama, when I was there. I called the company that left me a message last Thursday saying they were very interested in me. I should download the message and have you all take votes on what you think. I am consoling myself with thre fact that lots of people go on vacation this week. I left a vm on Monday, and on Weds... maybe on more next week? There's a fine line between "interested go getter" and "crazy stalker". Any thoughts on what's professionally acceptable here?


• My husband has family pictures next week. This is so difficult for mre. If we do this, we are only going to include my husband, myself, and our son. It's impossible to get his three here for this, and kind of awkward to have my kids in these. So we're trying to keep it simple. We'll be wrong pretty much anyway we plan on handling the situation so pppfffttt!!! Maybe I'll be interviewing on that day...


• The week after that, most of my family is flying out for a little mini spring break. This doesn't usually emotionally end well for me, so everyone around me is bracing for the fall out. Maybe it will be just fine. Right?


• That same weekend, Mr. W and are made plans to go see Joan Jett in concert- we're spending the night. Doing a little gambling. A little drinking. A little eating. It's fun for us, we almost always come back with things we talk and laugh about for years after. Great times!


• I ate an entire super nachos today. That's it. My scale says I'm up a few, but it said that to all of us, so I'm wondering if it isn't just a big old lying hunk of metal lying on my floor ready to torment anyone who will stand on it.


• I could keep going on here, but my sleeping meds are starting to hit... good night my pretties. Thanks for reading, and keep on posting!!!

Two years later...

The past two years on April 20th, I have had surgery. First my band in 2009, then my skin removal in 2010. Both I wanted so badly. Both were a step into the unknown. There were no guarantees for either, they were calculated risks for me. My life is my own because of both and I could not be happier about these two choices. What does April 20, 2011 hold for me? Now there's the REAL question! Now is when the journey begins! One very exciting thing may happen this very week... I'd say by chance, but I think there is a universal timing for everything... A few weeks ago, while doing some research for work (at home on my own time- now you know why I haven't been blogging- I'm a nerd), I decided to apply for a position with the company that is the leader to market and really the only vendor in the field of work I've fallen in love with. I'm doing this work for cheap for a large integrated system, but the thought of being able to do this on a national level- well, it would honestly be a dream job for me. I sent in my CV, pretty much thinking they'd laugh- but if I didn't try, it was a "no" for sure. Well, they called on Thursday! I get so wrapped up at work, that I didn't take the call! They weren't in on Friday, so now I have to wait for this week. I'm hoping and thinking that they want to fly me out for an interview. And I don't think it's a fluke that it's not happening until this week. I could nail this job. I could blow it out of the water for them. I hope they can see that. Plus, I have a passion for this little niche- which is unusual to say the least. And, I might get paid more in line for what I bring to the table. My boss told me that they were prepared to counter offer to keep me, but I'm wondering if they'll be able to compete with a much larger company. I win either way. If I could interview at the end of this coming week- I'll be able to hang out with three of my sisters in Maryland. The main office is in Philadelphia, and my parents are in Baltimore. My sister from California is visiting them right now, plus I'd get to see my other sister there who isn't coming out to visit me in May. Plus, there are some friends I'd really like to see while (if) I'm there- I've really got my fingers crossed that they want to interview me, and do it quickly. Honestly, I wouldn't be taking these chances if I hadn't taken a chance with band and with plastic surgery. I'm harping and this is boring to read, but holy hell- my life is so different and so much better two years later.

No Real Reason (attempt at paragraphs...WTF?)

There's no real reason I haven't been blogging. I haven't fallen off the wagon. I'm not depressed. Nothing bad. Just working hard and living life. All in all, things are good. When I first started blogging, I would see people shut down their blogs after they reached goal, or after awhile for whatever reason. I have not lost interest in my band or in blogging. I used to be worried about that. I am approaching my two year bandiversary. April 20th, 2009- I got my band. Remember dreaming about being on the other side? Thinking about the life you wanted? Thinking it would take forever to get there? Or worrying that it wouldn't at all? I AM SO HAPPY TO BE WHERE I'M AT. I am so happy that I made the effort to do this for myself. Where am I at two years later? Maintaining 130 lbs lost. That's about it. I pack my breakfast and lunch every work day and that's where I control my diet a bit. Other than that, I do rely on my band to put the brakes on for regular life and eating. My band is still working, still providing restriction. I was under the impression that at some point, it stops working. I have about 5 cc's in my 10 cc band. When I start getting hunger issues, I'll get another fill. My last one was in November (it was my 3rd fill), and it is definitely still working. I love that I don't really pay attention to food as much as I used to. I still have emotional triggers, but I can't physically do what I used to as far as over eating. On the flip side of that, there are days when I don't even think about food. AT ALL. There is at least one week every month where I have a difficult time getting in calories. I make sure I always eat at least 1200-1400 a day because I feel like crap if I eat less than that. Normally, I'd say I eat about 1800-2000 calories a day. There are a few (so few I can actually name them) days where I've eaten 2500-3000 calories. It's possible, but it's always a conscious decision. I've done it for social, fun to eat reasons, not for emotional reasons. I think that's reasonable. I love to move. I love to run. But at this point, I am still not using exercise to lose or keep weight off. My weight has been completely steady for a long time... probably longer than it ever has since before I had children. That's such a nice feeling. I think my body is at a true set point. My goal when I first got my band was to weight 159 lbs- which puts me at the highest end of normal. I'm about 10 lbs over that- but it's relatively effortless (but there is some effort, just not obsessive effort). I'm a size 12, and can enjoy shopping in normal stores and all the fun that goes with that. So, I am absolutely happy with my weight loss, even if I didn't reach my goal weight. I am happy and healthy- and a scale number isn't really what's important here. I do weigh myself every morning, and gage my eating for the day (or days) based on that. After a very long week, my husband and I skipped out of work this afternoon, and had a leisurely lunch at an Italian restaurant. I could enjoy it without fear. I had a fondue appetizer, salad, chicken alfredo, wine, and cheese cake for dessert. Nothing diet. But only a few bites of some of it and reasonable portions of the rest of it. That was all I ate for the day and it's late in the evening, and I'm still not hungry after our indulgence. This is a good life. Lastly, I wanted to share that for me, my band has improved my relationship with my husband. For some, losing weight has meant relationship changes- and I honestly think the band helps women to accurately self evaluate themselves and their relationships- and in my opinion that is a VERY good thing. Sometimes, it is time to move on. Other times, feeling better about yourself helps to strengthen relationships. I think I'm also a better mom- I'm definitely a better example for my children. I'm much happier post band- that's better for everyone. Ok, this is really lastly. I also wanted my band to help me professionally. And it has. Losing weight has given me confidence to learn and progress and grow and take chances. I do feel a sense of accomplishment with my weight loss. I had a tool to help me, but that was a smart decision. It's given me the confidence to continue making informed decisions, and that has proven profitable. I'm excited for two years out. It is everything I dreamed it would be. I've been lucky to not have any complications. The worries I did have, prooved to be false. It has not been an "easy" journey, just a possible one. Possible. That's all I needed.

One of the most bizarre weeks of my life...

...and that is saying something.

A few bombshells this week. It appears my bio dads death was due to the "s" word. All that's printed is "sudden", but from what stalking I've done (not much, my mom has been doing it for me! gasp!)- well, it looks like that may be the nice way to say the "s" word? Also, his funeral was on my birthday. Also, his death occured about one month after I contacted (and shocked) one of my bio cousins. I told him I just wanted pics of my grandparents, that I wasn't terribly interested in my father because if he had wanted a relationship with me, I had never been hidden away. I'm weird, I'll admit that- but the timing is interesting. ALSO, it turns out that my father himself had been adopted by his stepdad, so the last name I've been thinking was my bloodline is wrong, and now I have no idea who I am.

So how did all of this information come about? My mom had looked up my oldest friend in the world- he and I have known each other since we were babies, and grew up together- even went to kindergarten together. There aren't too many childhood memories I have that don't involve him. I'd say he was like a brother to me, but we were going to get married when we grew up! Now he really is like a brother to me, and I really love him in a sibling way- weird. My mom (the facebook stalker)- found him. On his facebook, he talked about finding his bio dad only one year ago! He and I used to talk about that when we were little. So, I guess that's why my mom started looking further into things for me, and that's when she discovered the above.

I got to talk with my old friend this week. He and I haven't seen or spoken to each other in 20+++ years. He attended my first wedding, and the very next day he shipped off to the military. We wrote a couple of times (so he says, I have a terrible memory about that time period). And then we had completely lost contact. It is so nice to be able to talk with him... to revisit the past that is nothing but good sweet memories. When we talked, it was like we just picked up where we left off. We are both happily remarried, but it's so strange for me to have this powerful platonic love for someone. It is truly not romantic, but is really awesome.

Oh, and today I ate an entire sloppy joe, chips, and a piece of cheese cake (that was calling my name). Needless to say I ate it slowly to work it through. Guess what? No guilt! Calorie wise, that's all I ate for the day, so no worry about weight gain. I also really love this thing.

It's all in the tarot cards.

Life is full. Of what depends on the day. ;)

We had a few friends over this weekend and decided to have a tarot card reader come entertain us. The gal who we hired was really interesting- she's written some books and has some very unique perspectives. Anyway, she says I'm going to live a long, healthy life. :)

My mom called this morning to tell me that my biological dad died in January. She just found the obituary today. It's unfortunate, but also the best way to find out how everyone fits together- and it looks like I have two more sisters. I don't think I'm going to contact them at this point. I was once again completely surprised about how cool my mom has been about all of this. She actually signed the obituary with her maiden name and my birth name! I was impressed with her boldness. :0

Home with a sick six year old today. Work is good. I'm getting a good amount accomplished, and am happy about how much presenting I've been doing, and that there is so much interest in what I have to share. I'm at the flagship hospital, and what I set up is most likely what is going to be used system wide. I've got a meeting at another hospital tomorrow afternoon to get a process going there. Fun. :-)

I appreciate all the supportive comments. I get a little embarrassed sharing things. I feel like a drama queen. :(

One night when I was on call-

One night years ago, when I was on call in the OR, we were waiting for a possible procurement to arrive. It turned out to be a ten year old boy who had hung himself, and for timing reasons or family reasons, the surgery was cancelled. I don't remember exactly why.

What I do remember clearly is a resident asking... how could this happen?

So, I explained it to him. The best that I could. A child's pain. How a child doesn't understand the potential permanence of their actions. How sadness can take over. How even with all the support in the world, sometimes it's not enough. How it could happen. How it happened to us.

My son was maybe around two when something changed inside of him. As a mother, I always look carefully at my own actions, wondering if there was anything I should have done, or not done to have prevented these things from happening. There are always imperfections, things I wish I had done differently. But, I also have to acknowledge that I was an attentive, patient, and caring mom. Every action and decision I made, I can truthfully say that I put my children and their best interest first.

When my son was ten, he hung himself. He survived with anoxic and traumatic brain injuries.

I never used the word "mental illness" when explaining this to the surgery resident. We still hadn't even gone through the worst of it at that point. I only thought I knew what I was talking about. I didn't know it could get worse, but it did.

And seeing it now, when the child is miraculously an adult... my body just skips to the physically ill part for me. I want to put him first, but my body shuts down. And, there are other family members who know what the potential is here- and I need to put them first. Even if the consequences are dire. I've mourned my own childs death a couple of times over.

It was very unlike me to speak so candidly about what happened... I don't think that resident was necessarily being judgemental... it's was an honest question about life. There is no good explaination or reason. Mental illness is as painful and deadly as any other disease.

and then the world falls apart

Weight is steady, but sometimes that just doesn't really matter.

I just have to say this... I used to hold him all night long and try to will his pain into my own body. It didn't work.

The sky is clear tonight. Looking out of my living room window at Orion's belt, I thought of warm summer nights, laying on the grass and gazing at the stars.

My husband bought me a Wonder Woman figurine... he left it on my night stand. Ironic, but I love him for the sentiment.

I'm not crazy here. Just tired. I hope I have fight in me when I wake up tomorrow morning. Sometimes there isn't any other choice.

longer & faster

I can do anything for a minute. If I can do it for two minutes... then I'll try three. If I can do it for that long, why not seven minutes? Then I take it down and start over again. I'm a month off from a less than eight minute mile, but every day I'm running longer & faster. I personally prefer distance over speed, but right now I'm just getting as many miles as 45 minutes will get me. I'm also strength training- weights are new to me because I never really thought I needed it before, but my arms need toning (badly).

Running is terrific anger management for me. I love my job, but today was a little frustrating for me. We're implementing new processes, and trying to build bridges at the same time- the two can be at odds with each other, however we need them to go hand in hand in order to be successful. We need to do this on our own (that my friends was foreshadowing). Anyway, tonight I would let my anger wash over me- and then up my speed. That was my motivation for longer & faster. Usually I'm into intrinsic satisfaction, however a good extrensic motivator can really push me.

I've been thinking today about the concept that if you can see it, you can do it. It works for the band, exercise, careers- it applies to everything. I know some people struggle with if they will be successful with their band (or fill in the blank)- we all feel that way at some point or to some extent. That's why it's important to have positive support- if someone else can do it, why can't I? Honestly, I feel successful (most of the time)- and I'm not super special- not in a derogatory way, just a realistic way. It's easier for me to get somewhere, if I have an idea of where I want to go. I want to go longer & faster...

The birth of an addiction?

Tonight felt amazing. I think my husband was a little hurt that running makes me feel so good. Guess he'll have a point to proove.

So far, the worry I had about using this simply for weight loss has been unfounded. I'm doing this to feel good and to feel strong. That's a healthy approach. I've used exercise previously to get very thin. This time, I don't care if I lose a pound or go down any sizes at all.

This is random, but I think important: somewhere along the line, I learned to only compete against myself. I really enjoy doing that with running. Upping the ante each run. I stuck to the 45 minutes again tonight and went faster and further than last night. I took the incline all the way up, and I allowed myself to go slower. If I took the incline down, I pushed myself to go faster. Then I let up for a few minutes, and did it all over again. But the important part is- I don't compare my exercise to what anyone else is doing. All that matters is that every day (or every few days)- I'm doing better than I personally had been doing.

Last thought of the evening- I like my approach to food when I'm running. As I've made painfully clear, I'm not a health nut. However, food as fuel becomes important when I need it to be. I want good energy. That's definitely positive.

So that's where I'm at in my head. Relieved I'm not turning this into a bad addiction. But it's still an addiction? If it is, I'm keeping this one.

Now I want it.

Sometimes I feel guilty when I'm not a good commenter. I've been a pretty horrible commenter recently. I have been a fairly decent reader though. And the theme of really "wanting" it has kept standing out to me. This whole weight control is so frustrating and multi-faceted. When I was three hundred pounds... I wanted to lose. I wanted it badly, but was so afraid- of failure, of watching hopes and dreams die- of feeling powerless over my own body.

Then some trigger tripped. I got my band. I felt like I could do this, not just for the short term but for the long haul. Surgery gave me the confidence that any hard work I did would be worth it. Because even with weight loss support, the process takes diligence and perseverance. I had to remember to keep my "eyes on the prize". I wanted my weight loss to be meaningfull, to feel it, to embrace it. In a very real way, what I sincerely wanted was to no longer be at war with myself. It is a battle with weight, but even more so- it's been a battle with myself.

To that end, I've had a very similar philosphy about running and exercise. I've always enjoyed it, and didn't want to ruin that for myself by making it a chore. The theory "I was good today because I exercised" has not been motivational for me. For me, that line of thinking lends itself to guilt. Guilt is as bad for exercise, as it is for food choices. The one thing I've got going for me in all of this is, that I've made an effort to not ruin my love of running.

I've been waiting until the timing felt right. Physically, this is the first spring/summer I'll be able to really go for it... in eight (?) years. Emotionally, I really want it. I want to feel healthy and strong. Lean and toned. Endorphins washing through my brain and soul. I want that feeling of my body working as a machine, the the whole world blurring by me, and a cirlcle of clarity from the top of my head to the bottome of my feet. This feeling. This feeling in indescribable. I want it. I want it now. Now is my time.

I ran for forty five minutes tonight. That's good since I haven't done any honest running since 2003 Tonight, I was very pround of my body for being so strong and healthy after all I've put it through. Don't know what the kids are calling it these days, but I love interval training. Tonight I started with a slow pace, and added incline as my challenge. The other REALLY important thing I like to to do at this stage, is to not physically challenge myself unnessecarily. Getting on the treadmill and working with weights for an hour is the prize for tonight. Keeping things simple so I'm not in pain helps it to stay fun- and from my own experience, I'm convinced it is the way this should be.

This may be the place I've been looking for. My natural embrace back to running and working out. Tonight was nothing but joy. I'm excited to get back to it tomorrow night. I'm excited to start (slowly) challenging myself. I love to see how far I push myself. I love to amaze myself with what my body can do. Espcecially now that I'm in my forties. Energy wise and work out wise, tonight felt no different than it would have 15 years ago.

Do you think it's possible to feel better and be able to do more than I could that long ago? Now is my time, and I really want it. What do you think?

Before the Ambien hits-

It's all good. I'm less frustrated. Weight is stable... funny how that's always a significant concern? I'm finding myself doing some mindless eating, but I'm more aware than I would have been previously. At times, I really want the band to do ALL of the work for me, but I still need to be aware of what I'm doing. I don't mind if I'm not making terrific choices, as long as I know exactly what it is I am putting into my body. It's when I stop paying attention (good or bad), that I personally have potential for weight gain despite my band. It's a shallow subject, but it belongs to me, and if I had to guess- it's not going anywhere at all.

Oh! My son broke his engagement and moved in with some guy friends of his. That's been a huge relief. How are you going to spend your life? Who are you going to spend your life with? Now, those are very important matters. I want my children to get those as close to right as you can when you're young, naive, and inexperienced. My two oldest are listening. I give them my input, try to support decisions that won't have disastrous consequences, and hope they'll accept some of my life experience to limit damage to their own. I recognized many amazing qualities in my spouse because of all the life crap I'd gone through. My oldest had first row seats to my life show and I hope they see what good things look like- and model a healthy relationship as what they will do in their own lives.

My husband and I had an appointment on Valentine's Day with our lawyer- to do our wills. How romantic? We did have a lovely dinner and very deep conversation that evening. It is the strangest thing to plan major details of your death. We were very lucky in that we both agreed with all of our choices. And then that lead us to reassess everything that's important in our lives. That, and the night before that we had been watching a science channel show on near death experiences. We have strong beliefs, they just don't align well with any one religion or even any one type of religion. That's for another post. I asked my husband if what he thought we be doing one year from now, on Valentine's 2012- and that lead to another deep conversation. These conversations are one of my favorite reasons why I love that man.

Moving on to more shallow subject... this is silly, but the woman who does my nails talked me into doing the OPI "shatter". I have it over a fuschia "star of the party"- and I love it. Seriously, it makes me happy. Strangely, even though it's not very professional (read: dry/boring/plain)- that's exactly why I like it. My profession is pedantic (look it up), so it's fun to have things that professionally are not what people are expecting. I know, weird. By the way, I think what I do is exhilerating...

Speaking of that... and coming back to deeper subject... it looks like things are accelerating with my professional aspirations. There is a very tangible niche in the current recovery healthcare market- and I think we may have the team and capital to really do something that no one else is doing. I know we're the only ones on our horizon with the experience. This is my ultimate dream. This would shut me up about wanting more out of life. It really would.

I'm getting dangersouly close to my sleeping med hitting, so I'll end here. I'll read till I fall asleep, and will try diligently to NOT post any comments. You'll thank me for that.

How to put into words...

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING HAS NO POINT

Frustration. That's why I've been avoiding blogging. It's not weight related, my weight is steady. I actually put on a pair of my size 8 suit slacks last week. They wouldn't zip or button, but I got them on. If I'd run or do anything to help, I could wear them (if they weren't so hopelessly outdated). Those particular pants are part of the collection of skinny clothes I've been saving because getting rid of them would be a sign to me of giving up my weight loss dream. It's funny because I've been feeling fat. I've come so far, 170 pounds should feel terrific. Mostly it does, but it's not the end all. Losing the weight is not the end of the journey. For me, it's the beginning.

That's not what's frustrating me. I haven't been able to put into words what's been going on the past few weeks. I'm sitting here trying to find the words right now, just to get this over with. But still, so much is swirling around in my mind, and nothing organizable is filtering through. Could it be that I'm expecting too much? Is it that I'm hysterical- am I just a crazy lady? That's for sure. But that's not the issue in it's entirety. I've been ignoring this stuff for well over a year. And now there are more questions than answers and I can't deal with that. I'm jaded. And as quick as I am to advocate for others, I won't do the same for myself.

Wow... that certainly clarified what was going on. It's more than I've been able to say, so it is progress. I have been immersing myself in my job- I can happily get lost there. Not certain that's the healthiest way to cope, but it's working for me as an outlet. Blogging has also been an outlet, but when I don't have the words, it's useless. Is it painfully obvious that I need to find the feelings first? So maybe this is the start of finding them.

Late to the party...

Something About Kellie... (http://somethingaboutkellie.blogspot.com/) and Justawallflower (http://justawallflower83.blogspot.com/) were so sweet to nominate me for this award. I didn't want either one to think the gesture had gone unrecognized or unappreciated by me. That isn't the case at all. I think it's just been awhile, and I'm old and rusty. Sorry to be late... I'll try to play by the rules from here on out:

Seven things you may not know (or may not want to know!) about me-

1) The official answer to "do you play the piano?" is a resounding NO. However, I studied for many years, and I enjoy playing as an outlet. My parents bought me a piano for my birthday last week, and my husband and children are ready to kill me, but it has been such a stress reliever to play again. One thing those years of study ingrained in me is when I don't get something right, keep doing it. Over and over again, then sllightly different, and then over again- until it is perfect. It's helped me in every aspect of my life.

2) My husband and I are fluent in French and speak to each other frequently en Francais. Well, him mostly. When I'm not worried about sounding like an idiot, I will speak. I can read and understand almost everything, though. We want to run away to the South of France, and we have plans to do just that.

3) I am agnostic. I have difficulty with religion in general. However, I do believe in spirituality and in the power of goodness.

4) In college, I was at the top of my graduating class, and also the class president the year we graduated. I was voted "most likely to stop for a diet coke on the way to a code". (I've upgraded to diet pepsi...)

5) I hated nursing school (although I kept that knowledge to myself), and when I grduated I initially didn't even look for a RN position , but instead I tooka job at Ann Taylor. I couldn't afford to keep that job ( I spent more than I made), so ended up conceding and getting a real nursing job after a few months. My nursing career has been fabulous since. There are so many different things to do within the field, and it's allowed me to help make a comfortable life for family.

6) I was a party girl during high school, and still have a wild side. However, the one thing I would never do is cheat on my spouse. I've been cheated on, and really think it's lame. If you are going to do something, have the decency to be honest with everyone. I think it's really bad karma.

7) It takes me forever to get ready in the morning- I get up two hours before we leave. I don't know what takes that long (and some of it is helping my six year old get ready), but I seem to have only one speed in the early morning... "slow". Or it's my OCD, which is probably the real reason. On weekends, I refuse to do the whole make-up and hair routine. I love doing girly stuff, but sometimes it's just exhausting...


Check out these blogs (these are in order of who last commented on my blog... reciprocity is important to me)-


http://www.fatscapadesofaredheadedchick.com/
http://rollercoasterdieting.blogspot.com/
http://thequeenbeeslapbandlife.blogspot.com/
http://wishingandhopingandprayingforaband.blogspot.com/
http://turnitdownfrom11.blogspot.com/
http://lindasbandwidth.blogspot.com/
http://graces-fat-chance.blogspot.com/
http://www.jenisgonnaloseit.com/
http://doesthisdonutmakemybuttlookbig.blogspot.com/

IF YOU ARE READING THIS... I NOMINATE YOU FOR THE STYLISH BLOGGER AWARD!

I was able to make it up to my husband...

This time last year, I used my band to keep my eating in check when we went to all the buffets. This year, my band is so tight I couldn't eat at all. Good thing there were lots of liquid calories around... for now, I'm just skipping that and the possible implications, because I've got bigger worries.

But, happy news... I was able to make it up to my husband about meeting his favorite band without him last year. We were checking in at our hotel yesterday (we stay where we know the performers are staying)... and off of the elevator walks the lead singer with his wife. I turned my husband towards them and said, "look... there's Geoff Tate and his wife... I know because I've met him before...".

Mr. W was too embarrassed to go up and talk with them. I was able to talk with the wife a little bit at the concert, though. I'd had a few cocktails by that time, and didn't care if Mr. W thought I was being forward or whatever. I still don't know her name, that's pretty rude of me, however I've decided to just call her "Susan", because it seemed to fit. The whole concert experience was very cool (for me, anyway).

On second thought, maybe I didn't really make anything up to him. ;)

POP!

I'm a jerk... just getting to personal computer stuff... and noticed all the sweet birthday wishes that were sent by such awesome BOOBs! I feel so loved, thank you. And happy birthday to Karin and Jacquie!!!

My birthday was good. Well, actually I worked and had a huge presentation that went really well. Actually, my boss called me "brilliant"- which I think is about the best birthday present ever. Well, that and my husband is taking me away for the weekend- we're going to see his favorite group- Queensryche. Last year, I got to meet the entire band while he was going to get the car... he was devestated. I'll try to make it up to him. ;)

Weight... steady! 170. I've noticed that for the first time in my life- I'm the same size on top and bottom. That's because of my tummy tuck... my body is proportionate. Well, except my butt is bigger than when I used to be a size 12, but so are my boobs... so I'm a happy girl.

POP? Pelvic organ prolapse. I'm probably going to have surgery next week. Oddly, it's not a uterine prolapse. Definitely bladder. They couldn't see any bowel prolapse on CT, but let me tell you... there's something going on with it. Very painful at times. Everything has good blood flow but I think because I was lying flat for the scan, the bowel stuff didn't show up. Prepare for more gross surgery pictures... I love those...

I'm exhausted, but im a good way. Can't wait to read some blogs and then go to bed. If there are any strange comments from me, I apologize in advance because I'm about to take my Ambien. Bon nuit.

Nothing but the truth

*Weight is up to 175... and I have an overwhelming compulsion to be honest here. Every year at Christmas, we order a case of Utz crab (old bay seasoning) potatoe chips. It used to be, you could only get them in a grab bag size. Now, you can only get them in the family bag size. Do you need it spelled out any more than that? Put.the.pieces.together.

*Working. Lots. No blogging. Did well with food during the week. With this fill, I get hungry after awhile, but then am way too restricted to do any sort of starving feeding frenzy. I dunno. I really don't know.

* Went to a Met production of Puccini today. "Golden Girl of the West"- interesting, an American western sung as an Italian opera. Only Puccini could get away with it. Opera always gets me hot & bothered... it's very sexy. We were in the back row, and there were about four other people in the theatre. Next time I need to remember to wear something other than skinny jeans.

* So, we went home and had an amazing evening. I am living a real love affair. I feel so lucky. We're technically married (drive through in Vegas), but it's better than that. Working on ten years of being together, and we still find new things. I am ruined for life. Il est mon reason d'etre.

* I've been drinking Lime Rickey's since Friday after work. I use Sprite Zero for the base, so it saves one third of the calories. I use equal parts grape sour dekyper, lime tequila/liquor, and the lemon/lime diet soda. Extreme yumminess that you don't expect anything from... but then it delivers.

*Maybe some changes at work coming up. I passed up my first opportunity, not sure if I can do the same this time around.

* My oldest son called to say he doesn't think things are going to work out between himself and his "girlfriend". And that he's been talking to his old girlfriend down here. I stayed cool. I did.

*No news on the bio dad thing. And I can say in all honesty, it's fine. If I want to pursue, I can. I have the luxury of feeling complete... I don't know how or why... but I'm ok. This would be a "nice" to know, not "need" to know.

*I've been reading blogs like mad, but not commenting so much. I love reading what you have to say. Everyone elses life seems so much more exciting than mine. So keep blogging or I'll have not life at all. And it will be all your fault. Go post NOW!

Live, Love, Laugh

Did I choose my phrase for the year because it's painted on every cutesy two x four, in every corner "bow"tique, in Utah? No. I chose it despite that. These words kept coming back to me, and it's probably some craftsy and ribbony subliminal message, but I decided to go with it anyway. And if I end up with a placquard or two with the saying on it by the end of the year, well... you'll know they were giving them away.

The first word that actually came to me was "laugh", however this group of words better defines what my vision for this year is. At a particularly low point in my life, I remember being in a mall cafe, and overhearing a group of women laughing... the sound was so foreign to me, that it stopped me in my tracks. I couldn't remember the last time I had laughed like that, and wondered if I would ever have moments in my life that were that joyous. Much time has passed since then, and I'm at a point in my life where I have found happiness. I'm comfortable in my own skin, I'm in a marriage that I wish for every woman, and I'm at a good place professionally. Now, it's my time to laugh...

But in order to laugh, I need to live. Really live. I've said it before, but I need to remind myself- that I don't ever want to be defined by what I do- I don't ever want my profession to be my life. Having direction is important because people rarely stumble into happiness. However, I've seen people take their chosen direction as a one way road, and by doing so lose more than they gain. I have a theory that people who have passion for what they do, especially outside of work, are ultimately the most successful. Bet you can guess where this is headed...

But in order to live, I need to love. The past two years, I've focused on myself, which was absolutely necessary. Is it possible to help others if you can't help yourself? Is it possible to love others if you can't love yourself? For me the answer would be no, not fully anyway. And now I'm in a much better place physically and emotionally, and have the ability to meaningfully focus on the people around me. A life well lived is about the people we love, not the things we do or have. A great life to me is one filled with moments of true emotion shared with these people.

Yesterday, New Years Day, after partying most of the night and not getting to bed until five in the morning- I was at work because of an end of year deadline. This extra project was thrown at me only a few days before Christmas- and meeting the challenge would take extraordinary lengths. So, there I am during my holiday weekend, working diligently on a Saturday afternoon. I had been there for about an hour, when I noticied I had a text message. It was from my sister... asking if I could I go to a movie with her that evening?

Leave work to go play? Live, love laugh? Live, love, laugh...

I wrapped things up, deadline unmet- and went to have fun with my sister. And we laughed... like the memories I have of those women from a lifetime ago. And we cried... she and her husband had just found out that he will not have a job in about three weeks. And we lived... sharing everything in our lives and making memories to cherish for a lifetime. But mostly we loved... because sharing anything is only worthwhile if it's done out of love. It was the perfect first day of this New Year.