Someome can officially wear their skinny jeans!!!!!!

I put on a yellow polka dot bikini today. Not pretty, but if you're looking into my yard, you deserve to get what you see! It's been 20 years since I've worn an actual string bikini. This is strictly for yard work and outdoor tanning, but still I DARED TO DO IT! (Stop worrying, we have an enclosed yard with high privacy fences).

On the high of prancing around in a bikini, I decided to try on my skinny jeans. Up and over the thighs they went, buttoned closed, and up went the zipper. NO RESISTANCE. I couldn't risk it because I'm still sore from the tummy tuck. So, these jeans had to go on as a perfect fit with zero struggle. THEY FIT. THEY ARE ON. I CAN WEAR THEM. I am officially a size 12 in everything! Are you listening to me? I CAN OFFICIALLY WEAR MY SKINNY JEANS!

There is nothing left to say after that...

I'M NOT WASTING THIS!

Some days I worry about regaining weight. This weekend I had an epiphany... stop worrying about that because it may lead me straight back to weight gain. INSTEAD, ENJOY THE WEIGHT LOSS!

This means a couple of specific things for me. One, I'm enjoying the hell out of fashion. Well, fashion in a wanna be way, but still trying to be more adventerous. In my late twenties and early thirties, I was all about looking more professional. Translation = "older". I was thin then, too... so I could have done whatever I wanted. NOW, I just want to look Jerseylicious. Seriously.

The next thing may come as a shock because I've NOT been little "Miss Exerciser" to lose weight. HOWEVER, I am sooooooooooo going to enjoy the things my body can now do. That includes hiking, walking, running... the weather is better and I'm feeling GOOD and I'm going to take this as far as I can... BECAUSE I CAN!

It's interesting because this weekend I decided to enjoy being a skinny bitch. And because I was focused on the good, when glorious food and drink have been all around (this IS a holiday weekend!)... I've CHOSEN to ENJOY small amounts. And these small amounts had nothing to do with my band. It was because that was where I was at in my head. A smaller woman enjoying the hell out of it. For everything it's worth.

Amen. ;)

Inquiring Minds Want to Know

Jen and Draz? Draz and Jen? I want to know what ELSE you talked about?!?!

The subject of weight loss and relationships is near and dear to all of our hearts. I think for many women, once they lose weight, and the world responds to them in a way they have never seen (or it's been a long time)- suddenly they realize that they are worth more and that they don't need to settle. At all. That's a soap box issue for me. Hooray.

Then there's Sandy's post, which I also adore. Her relationship is solid. Real. Not perfect, because that's not a reasonable expectation. But she can count on her husband 100% which is the entire point of marriage. Her relationship is how I want mine to be in 20 years. She's definitely an example to me, and I love her for it.

There are studies that show if a woman married when she was not obese, there's less of a chance of divorce after WLS, because she most likely did not "settle" when she made her vows. If a woman married when she was feeling poorly about herself (for whatever reason), and then loses weight, the likelihood of divorce spikes up as her self esteem goes up. Makes sense, and I don't think it's a bad thing. Being in a good relationship is good (yes, I know there are a few instances of women completely losing their mind after WLS, but there are obviously underlying issues there besides weight). Staying in a bad one? In my opinion, there's no honor in that, WLS or not. I wish every woman in the world had the opportunity to choose to be happy. In more ways than marriage and weight. But, that's another blog.

Sooooooooo how am I enjoying my skinny bitch self this weekend? Besides wishing I could be hanging out with BOOBS? A tie for first place? Going away with Mr. Wonderful!!! We're taking a little staycation tonight. Dinner, wine, nice hotel... huh, huh, huh (as he'd say). Which reminds me, I've got to find some time later this weekend to go online and find my Wonder Woman outfit. It's his only "now that you're skinny and would dare do it" request. I'd say he deserves it because he's been so supportive of my band and TT, but in all honesty, I think it sounds like a goooooood time. And I can't wait to see the look of shock on his face, because I will definitely surprise him. Ok, enough TMI. For now.

TTYL. XOXO.

If I can do it...

...anyone can do it. As summer is approaching, I can't help but do this mental comparison of where I was two summers ago, last summer, and this summer. The difference is mind blowing, and I AM SO HAPPY TO BE HERE AND NOW. Two summers ago, I was around 290lbs and miserable. I was NOT a happy fat person. Last summer, I was a couple of months post op, and dreaming about what THIS summer would be like. And NOW I'M HERE!!! Words to describe what this feels like: relief, free, pretty, fun, light, energetic, fashionable, friendly, happy, euphoric, daring, flirty, shocked, thrilled, amazed, lucky, hopeful. And it's wonderful because I've done this while being completely imperfect. That should give all new bandsters hope... what will your summer feel like next year?

I've missed reading and participating in blogs this week. Secretly, it was a little bit of a reprieve. Am I the only one who feels like blogging is a second or third job sometimes? Not that I don't completely love it, because I do. But, sometimes it's work. And now I know I can do without it and be just fine, so when my family tells me I'm "addicted" to blogging, I can completely blow them off because I know I can quit whenever I want! ;)

Happenings this past week-

Baby shower was great! I ended up with only pre-party pictures, because I was so busy during the actual party. But, I think my co-grandma got some good people pictures. I'll post when I can.

Work has been nutso non-stop. I don't mind throwing myself completely in occasionally, but I know better than to make a habit of this. It's good to be kick ass at what you do, but I've seen too many people sacrifice their life for a company, only to find out they are completely replacable.

Swelling is down. Not gone, but better. Pain is almost completely gone. I'd say I'm about 80% back to normal. That makes me super happy. I ate whatever I wanted last weekend- bad things even for ME, and my weight has held steady. I'm currently at 174lbs, and while my size has not gone down yet since my TT, clothes are looking GOOD! I was reading a Glamour magazine at a doctor's appointment, and realized I have NO idea what my body "shape" is now. I used to be a pear, no question about it. But my thighs aren't big, and without my tummy... I don't know what I am! Fabulous dilemma to be in.

Hope everyone has a fantastic and safe holiday weekend! I'm going to spend a little time catching up on blogs. But, mostly I plan on having fun and enjoying not weighing 300lbs. I still love my band...

Faking It

Gosh damn it. Why does the subject of faking it come up the second I go on hiatus? Now, I must break from my all consuming job and respond... Sigh...

The question is "have you ever faked it"? BEWARE: ASK A TMI QUESTION, GET A TMI ANSWER!!!

I'm seeing alot of "no, not me's". Statistically, that is NOT TRUE. Most women have absolutely faked it. Alot of women don't orgasm 100% of the time they have sex with their partner. Or not with their partner (wink, wink). Orgasm is not just a god given right. Oh, wait... yes it is. But, it takes some work. I had to figure it out for myself. And then my husband had to figure ME out. I had to "kiss" alot of frogs to get to my "prince". In all honesty, he's the ONLY man I have EVER had make me orgasm. Help me orgasm? I take control of my own satisfaction some of the time and he doesn't seem to mind me using him as a means to an end. Other times, I just enjoy the ride. Anyway, this is MY FAVORITE SUBJECT. So, I had to respond. Girls, let's see some honesty with these answers! It's really a very important subject for women.

Don't Cry For Me

I am going to be MIA for a couple of weeks here. I'm the only pediatric nurse in my department due to someone's fabulous vacation get-away to Hawaii. Hope she trips on corral. Kidding.

Anyway, so I plan on reading blogs, but not contributing much to the blogging universe. I know, it's devestating. Don't cry.

Yesterday, I didn't get a belly fluid tap... avoiding any risk of infection. Still swelling, still in the same damn size.

This weekend is my daughters baby shower!!! I am actually REALLY excited about this. I love when I get to see so many people I love and hardly ever get to see... all in MY house. Very convenient. Well, except for the weeks of planning, the cleaning, making sure everything is perfect. But I secretly love all of that despite my stressed out facade.

I will be thinking of you all. And keeping up with your posts. Hugs and kisses, and I'll be back before you know it.

Sluts R Us!

My favorite subject! Draz, I bet you didn't think you'd see that title in lights on MY blog?!? Honestly, I believe sex is important especially for women, in order to have a complete and healthy life. There seem to be so many hang ups still about the subject. Enjoying it, faking it, making time for it, and the list goes on. I also think a girl can have a full and rich sex life and not be a slut! Although, it might be fun to PRETEND...

Speaking of slutty, I did NOT get to meet the band last night. But, I did stay awake through the entire show! I love it when you can feel the vibrations of the music... but that's about all it had going for it (not to be rude). And now I'm deaf.

Tonight is my hypnosis night. I got about 4 hours of sleep last night, so I should have absolutely no problem entering a dream like state. I'm more concerned about coming out of it! I may or may not share the results. I am intrigued by the idea of hypnosis, so I wanted to share at least a little bit with you.

Happy Hump Day all you sluts... go home and make cupcakes...

Ratt -N- Roll

Tonight's my party girl night! In denial land, I was hoping the concert started at 7pm, knowing full well it would probably start at 9pm. That's half an hour before my bed time! I may be thinner, but there's nothing I can do about older. Send "stay awake and NOT cranky" ju ju my way tonight. If you're still awake yourself.

I tried to find a new outfit for tonight. But my stubborn streak is preventing me from buying anything until my next size down. My fat jeans fell to my ankles the last time I wore them, so they are not an option. My skinny jeans (same brand and cut) the next size down, I can't zip up, it's not even close. WTF? Anyway, so I am wearing black yoga pants, and a really cool t-shirt w/ rhinestones and some funky jewelery. Not really 80's. But, I think I'll look fine. I will however try and poof my hair as much as I can coax it to go. I swear, if the 80's perm and big hair ever come back in style, I will jump on that wagon so fast you won't know what happened.

I'll be missing my therapy tonight for this little event. It's been rescheduled until tomorrow night. We're going to try hypnosis, which I have never done. I'm a little skeptical, a bit afraid, and a lot intrigued. Anyone ever been hypnotized before?

Back to the grindstone. Have a fabulous Tuesday!

Spoiled Brat and Exercise

The Friday after my surgery, my company moved into it's brand new office building. Confession to make here... this brand new building has a completely kick ass brand new work out facility... that's free. And, certified personal trainers (any time of day or night)... free. I went to the official tour last Friday and I have to admit that I'd be a spoiled brat to let that facility sit there without utilizing it at least a little bit.

My only "real" exercise goal is my arms. I've never had a problem with them before, but they didn't make it out of my weight loss so well. And, there's plenty of equipment available for arm work. As soon as I'm physically able, I plan on working on this goal during the work day.

I plan to start running, because I'm excited about running. I enjoy doing that outside, and I don't particularly care to get all sweaty at work, so I think I'll save that activity for after work. It'll keep me away from night time snacking and strengthen and tone my lower body.

My abdominals? Well, Draz says that a TT means you'll never have to do another sit up or crunch again? It sure feels like it anyway.

I'm thinking about exercise because my pain is very manageable now, and I can finally see a light at the end of this TT tunnel. I'm off of narcotics, and I can feel the swelling and some real tightness, but not really any pain. And, I've saved back some percocet for my fluid tap on Thursday. I hope he gets at least 100 cc's per side. I'd be super happy with more than that, because there's still way more. Just my luck, he'll only get 2 cc's...

Wasn't planning on posting because it's Monday, but I couldn't resist the call of the blog.

Facing the Fear

I've been grappling with the fact that I eat WHATEVER I want, AND that what I want... is exactly how I've eaten during the past 20+ years as an adult. Nutrition is good, but I've never been one to force myself to make choices, especially between TASTE and nutrition. Of course you can get both in a single food choice, unfortunately these are far and fewer between than food choices that make you choose between the two. The one thing I've loved about my lapband, is that I can continue to eat the same foods I've always loved, and STILL lose weight. So, yes... it is absolutely possible to lose weight making less than stellar food choices. I went from 299 to 176 and am still losing. It's the PHYSICAL limitation by my band, of large quantities of these choices, that has lead to me shedding these pounds.

But, it's not the physical ability or lack thereof, that lead to previous morbid obesity. Generally speaking, there were alot of emotional causes. I think I've always related overeating to LOSING CONTROL. And that is frightening. I read about other bandsters becoming concerned about wanting fast food, or certain food choices that they've loved for years. And sometimes I think I missed the social memo that says we're supposed to fear that. And then I realized that I absolutely fear losing control of my eating, despite my band. I can easily make choices that would bypass my band, and I could gain back lots if not all of the weight I've lost.

This weekend is a PMS weekend for me. Typically that means amped up desire to eat junk food and to graze... bad combination and is frightening for me when it happens. Fear never leads to anything good for me. So, as I've been making not altogether terrific choices, I've been trying to let go of the fear. Consciously let go of it. My hope is stopping the cycle right there, because previously if I started in on that line of thinking... I'd think I was a failure, so why bother? If I am to conquer my obesity once and for all, I need to deal with that fear.

I will always make bad choices. I'm human. We all know thin people who make horrid choices all the time. We try to do better, but in reality, we're in the same lives we've always been in and will always be in. Taking that into account, it's critical that I learn to be open and honest and gentle with myself about this fear. Today, I am doing better than yesterday, and I attribute some of this to the fact that I've recognized the fear, and am trying to take away the power it's always had over me.

I don't have any brilliant answers or insights into this. I really loved (yes, thanks again Gen and Judi) Judi's SOB answer to feed the head hunger. That's where the being gentle with yourself comes in. Fealing the fear, but taking care of yourself. I'm at a loss for words to describe this, but her response made total sense to me. It's completely different than how I would have viewed the concept previously. And how I was dealing previously, lead me to obesity. Obviously, I don't want to repeat the head things that got me fat.

These are just my random thoughts. I know I have lots more thinking to do about fear and head hunger.

Sex, Drugs, and Rock -n- Roll

Sex? Yes, please. Drugs? Hooray, my pain is under control! Rock -n- Roll? My husband surprised me with tickets to RATT!?!? It's even on a work night! I was definitely not into heavy metal as a teenager, however NOW I am unashamedly into ALL THINGS 80's. So, I'm actually excited! I'm sure the concert will be fun, but I'm mostly excited because I can go to it and not feel bad about myself. Right or wrong, when I was more overweight I would not have agreed to go to anything like this. But now... I'm excited about hair, make-up, clothes... and feel as if I can really LIVE life. Life is much better banded.

Better than Sex

Just as a refresher, before my abdominoplasty, I had this dream where my fill appointments did not involve ports or saline. Not the greatest thing in the world to have a sex dream about your surgeon. Anyway, so I analyzed and analyzed this dream so I could rationalize it in my brain, and figure out what my little mind was actually thinking. At the time, I settled on the analysis that it was fulfillment I was looking for from him... thinness and tummy tuck. Well, now I REALLY get what it meant... my surgeon gives me what I NEED... narcotics!

He took my pain seriously! BETTER THAN SEX. Well, for the moment anyway. I'm on a quarter of a baby dose, spaced really far apart, but taking that edge off makes all the difference in the world. I don't get a high or anything, and I can still feel discomfort, but NO burning pain. He didn't even blink an eye when I told him pain was still a huge issue for me at this point post operatively. So, if you asked me if I was sorry about my TT today... I would say "no". It's all in the pain relief.

Ok, love you all... I've got lots of work to do... (no, I do not blog ALL day long)... XOXO

Am I sorry?

Am I sorry about getting my tummy tuck? Right this exact second- yes. I've always considered myself as someone with a high threshold for pain. But this chronic pain is going to drive me nuts. Right now, I'd much rather deal with flappity flap flapper than this pain. I KNOW I'm going to change my mind about being sorry as soon as I'm back to normal, but right now I am miserable, and just thought I'd spread the misery.

My three week follow up appointment is this afternoon. Incision sites look good, scabbing coming off, no s/s infection. Still lots of "seroma". Lots. And then a little more. There are a few reinforcement stitches that need to be pulled. Did I mention I'm still in pain?

Moving on to real life... I am in the midst of baby shower planning for my daughter. I love parties. I was hoping to be in my skinny jeans by then, but unless there is an un-swelling miracle, I will be in my fat jeans. My daughter laughed at me the other day because I called my current jeans my fat jeans... what a joke compared to even one year ago. AND, she brought me up a pair of HER old jeans, because she "doesn't like the way the fabric feels". But, the point is... my daughter THINKS I can wear HER jeans. Secret confession- I can't fit into them. Not at all. I did the one thigh try-on (you KNOW what I'm talking about), and it was a definite no-go. When I'm healed more, I plan on trying a good old fashioned jeans cram-in on the bed (you also KNOW what I'm talking about here, too!?!)... laying down to wiggle them on, then zipping them up while sucking in as much as possible, then trying to get off of the bed, and then praying you do not have to pee for the next 12 hours.

I would be so happy if I could meet my skinny jeans goal. But, you know what? I have NOT met one single weight goal by my goal DATE. BUT, BUT... I still have met them ALL! Every single one so far. I (we?) push myself so hard with these timeframes and expectations... and that is lame. I think alot lately about Gen's first SOB spotlight on Judi... and how she took two years to lose her weight. I believe she has it right. Two years means she enjoyed birthdays, and vacations, and weekends, and LIFE. AND SHE STILL LOST ALL OF HER WEIGHT. That is truly a lesson for me.

Send good ju ju for my appointment this afternoon. And, for my poor doctor who currently has no clue about how his afternoon is shaping up... :)

Oh, and that picture to the left

Gray shirt. I thought it really showed the tummy swelling well. Ugh. That's a little under 10 lbs of drainage and fluid being held in by... stitches...

More Fatism

Since I just showed up un-announced at my PCP's office yesterday morning, I ended up seeing a doctor I had never seen before. Good doctor. But, I couldn't help but to notice that he made eye contact with me, listened attentively, and genuinely seemed to care about my pain and helping me to get better. Here's my question: Do doctors really treat thin people better? Is it that I'm more confident? I definitely was not going to take "no" for an answer. But before I even started in, everything was different with this visit. I have to tell you, when I was really sick a couple of years ago (and at almost 300 lbs), I was so frustrated because I felt like no one was listening! Now, at 176 lbs (and sitting there in my red bra and panties... that was just for you Draz...)- I for 100% absolute certain got MUCH better treatment. I'm preaching to the choir. I know, I know....studies about this... yada yada yada. But it still pisses me off. I hope I'm not a fatist. I seriously want to go up to overweight women who look miserable, and tell them there is a way out! I am so grateful to be where I'm at.

Ten seconds in heaven...

No, not that. For heaven's sake. So, yesterday, for mothers day... my five year old son agreed to give me a ten second hug... and I got to be the counter!!! I am a lucky, lucky woman.

Other than that? Not too much. I'm in burning pain from my Fibromyalgia. I drove straight to my doctor's office this morning. No appointment or anything. I can NOT white knuckle this again. Right now I have the energy to fight.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day!

UNHOLY

That would be the best word to describe my thoughts about Robert Downey Jr. Went to see Iron Man last night, solely for a two hour dose of his bad boyness. Wasn't expecting the bad boyness that is Mickey Rourke. Maybe it was the accent? Maybe I'm just really a freak? And when did old men become so HOT? I realized it was probably when I became an old woman. A dirty old woman...

Hay fever = muscles I never knew I had. Help! I need the sneezing to STOP. I am of course a multiple sneezer, and after every round, I feel like I've done 100 sit ups. At minimum. Mr. W and I went to b-fast this morning, I of course had my obligatory (but delicious) two bites, and he had the rest. I was discusting at breakfast because I started my sneezing fits, and I instinctively grab my abdominals, instead of covering my sneeze... get the picture? Gross. After one sneezing fit, hubby asks "1600 sit ups?". Pretty close. Sorry about the egg everywhere...

I'm not wearing dressings or my binder today. It's a weird and wonderful feeling. I can't get past looking down at flat abs. There's still some swelling, and I still have little love handles... but I WILL TAKE IT. It's so much better than where I was a year ago. Truly unreal for me in many ways. Night and day difference in my opinion. I don't even mind the scarring. The whole area was already really bad, and now I don't have to announce it to the world all day long and everywhere I go. Well, except on my blog.

Gotta go. Lots to do. Trying to get rid of the kids tonight... RDJ and MR on the brain... Mr W gets the benefit... who needs a costume to be WW???

Wonder Woman

If you prefer not to read about sex, this would be a good post to skip, because I do plan on mentioning it a time or two.

First though, my second drain completely lost suction last night, and I couldn't fix the leak or stand the "ssssssss" sound it was making, so I pulled it. Well, I called my surgeon and told him what I was doing.

me: "my drain has lost all suction"
doctor: "it's not doing anything"
me: "(mentally "duh") so I'm going to pull it, ok?"
doctor: "don't forget to cut the stitches. you'll remember it if you don't"
me: "(mentally "double duh") ok, there's two, and i'll be sure to get both"

I had a difficult time seeing the stitches, so Mr. W went WAY out of his comfort zone, and helped me snip the stitches. They were "encrusted", so I really appreciated his help. I pulled the rest. Whew. No more balls. Then Mr. W asks if I'm going to cut off my other ones. NOPE. The metaphoric ones STAY. :)

So, sweet little innocent Draz(e)brought up sex every night? And, also "faking it". Draz, you can't brush on THAT topic so lightly. Let's talk about that? Sex really is my favorite subject, and I'd like to discuss this with my favorite girl friends. I also am a big believer in women taking responsiblity for their own sexual satisfaction... if you don't know how to make yourself orgasm, how the hell can anyone else? Sorry if I'm weird. I'm not. You all like the subject, too. So whatever, because I know you do.

Speaking of sexual satisfaction. Not so much in our house. I'm still too much of an invalid. The thought has definitely crossed my mind... maybe now that I don't have nasty drains... those were really "TOO" gross, even for us. Mr. W says when I can stand upright, then he'll be ready. That could take months, so I may have to initiate things. Soon. Someone talked about "DSB" in one of the comments to Drazil on her sex post. "Deadly Seamen Backup"- I need to tell my husband about this dangerous condition! He did this mental "turn off" when I had my surgery, and I believe it is truly and honestly causing real depression in him. Geez. Just do it in the shower already. I know that's what he probably did before we were married. It's just biological, it's not always about "love" and "connecting emotionally". Sometimes it is purely about getting the JOB DONE. I would prefer THAT over a depressed man, and it could KILL him. Holy hell.

I at least have the assurance of knowing he's thinking long term though. That brings us to Wonder Woman. When I first met Gilly in blogger world, I loved her Wonder Woman characatures, for a couple of reasons. First, because my husband has a WW fetish. Second, because her WW is chubby AND sexy. I thought it was absolutely fabulous. I've been waiting to indulge Mr. W in his WW fantasy until I was thin. I've been putting it off, but now that I've had my surgery, my days are numbered. How do I know this for certain? Well, the notebook he bought for me to write down my narcotics times and drains output was a WONDER WOMAN notebook. One afternoon this week, he gave me a WW figurine for my desk (and I am NOT a nick nack kinda girl). Yesterday, he started sending me "links" for WW outfits... to my work email... and telling me maybe not to open them up at work... ???

Anyway, don't tell him, but this WW outfit idea is actually getting a little exciting for me. I may not even wait until Halloween. Kidding. It will NOT be for public display. Wait, does that make the visual better or worse? Kidding again. So, I just wanted to chime in on the sex topic, because sex sells. We all love it. I love it. I love to talk about it. I like to read about it (a little bit, anyway).

On that note... have a great weekend everyone...

Dear FBI,

Please do not arrest me. This is the only post op week two picture that I have. I am posting it for medical reasons. I am aware that my china is showing, and I am very sorry. It is partially covered by my jp drain, so it is not complete nudity. I am also (barely) over 18 years old, so I am (barely) more than legal. No, I do not think this is a joke. Please do not arrest me.

Dear Everyone Else,
The pose is unflattering, but look how thin I'm looking! I know that's not a humble thing to say.. but, DAAAMMMNNN, if I don't say so myself! And that's still with ten pounds of swelling. I don't give a hoot about the love handles. Seriously, I am so happy to just not be AS deformed. I still can't get the next size down jeans on, and it's weird that my hips are the smallest part of my body. I know, I know... it's only because of the "seroma" (ie hideous massive swelling), and I'm trying to be patient. That's not easy. I want a thin tummy, and I want it NOW!

Anyway, I hope this is of medical interest to you my blogging friends. And, if I get arrested, I'll have my husband post to let you know what's going on and that I'm thinking of you.

Love,
Band-Babe

Full Frontal Nudity

Went to my second post op appointment yesterday. I'm down TEN pounds from last weeks post op weight. We ended up taking only one drain out, because the other is still draining active bleeding, more than 50 cc's per day. So, I'm going to watch it daily, and the second it stops, I'm going to pull it myself. I did make an appointment for a third post op check for next Wednesday. We brought the camera for pictures, and Mr. W took one picture as I was taking off my dressings... it has full nude cha cha'ness. I'm looking down, so you can't see my face. But, I'm not sure where the line is legally for posting naked blog pictures. I obviously don't care about what's in good taste or not, I just don't want the FBI at my door. In the midst of drain pulling, and me bleeding all over the doctor's amazingly starched shirt, and having to be the learning model for his new PA, we completely forgot to take any other pictures. The ten pounds of water weight off really shows, so I'm kinda bummed to not have non-dressing pics of it.

So, not only am I into posting porn on my blog, I'm a big CHEATER. We have this summer slim down program at work, and I usually do not participate in these kinds of activities for an assortment of weird-me reasons. However, yesterday, the usual group of weight loss at work joiners approached me to be on their team. This time I said "yes". Why? Because I know I have all this water weight on! Yesterday, I weighed 179 lbs, so I put that down, knowing FULL well I still have about ten more pounds of water weight to come off. Plus, I'm still eating to lose weight calorie wise, sooooo... you KNOW you'd want a cheater like me on YOUR team. This morning I was at 176 lbs... three pounds in one day... that's the kind of intoxicating (yes, I KNOW unrealistic) weight loss that I LOVE to see.

Spontaneous:
I'm contemplating leaving work after lunch today, just because... well, I feel freezing cold and tired, so I'm not all that bad ass... but still...

Food:
Zone bar, Zone bar, chicken parmesan, maybe some popcorn. If I eat it all, it's 800 calories, and enough protein (not sure of the total, don't feel like checking it out). My band has been t.i.g.h.t! We went to out to lunch yesterday, and I got down two bites. I was being all cocky about leaving my surgeons office, and going straight to eat naughty food. I guess he actually (and unknowingly) got the last laugh, because I do not think two bites of anything counts as naughty. At all. Sigh. I love my band.

Sigh of relief!

Ahh. The scale said 179 this morning. I was peeing like a race horse all day yesterday, so I was hoping that all the diurising would show on the scale today. My weight still isn't where I think it should be, but it's headed in the right direction. Even though I KNOW what is and isn't reasonable, I'm still always holding out on the dramatic weight loss numbers. Blogging has opened my eyes to my impatience. Since I've started posting in the beginning of January, I'm down less than twenty pounds (technically more, but you already know how I feel about that). Slow is good. Slow is the right way to lose weight. It's silly for bandsters to even want anything different. Of course there's always a surge of major weight loss somewhere in the beginning of our band life, and it's intoxicating. But, not realistic. And not indicative of permanent weight loss.

Drains should come out in just a few hours. One step closer to sexy hotness. Or non-deformity, anyway! Hooray. I thought I'd be so crazy happy about shopping at this point. I actually feel the exact same. I look VERY different, that's for sure. But, I FEEL the same. I'm thinking that's actually a good thing.

Spontaneous:
Dunno. Just trying to get back to my regular format. That sounds unspontaneous, but I like my old format, it's helpful to me.

Food:
Zone bar, cottage cheese, vanilla yogurt... 400 calories, 40 grams of protein. That's pretty good! And, Mr. W and I are going to go to lunch today. He has to go with me to my appointment because he's my dressing guy. My professional background leaves me meticulous about preventing post op infections. He's my right hand guy in that pursuit. Literally. And his reward? Lunch out with me! Wow, how worth it is THAT? I'll ask him...

Fry an egg on it

There has been some question as to whether I had skin work only, or an actual tummy tuck. My consent form at the hospital listed "skin only". I threw "tt" on one of the papers, because my surgeon kept talking about it that way. And, while I did NOT want the post op pain of an actual tummy tuck, part of me was worried that maybe it was better to tweak the muscles while they were there anyway. Well, now I have little doubt that is exactly how my surgeon saw things. We did an entire dressing change and binder washing last night. So, I was prancing around in just my underwear. My husband says "you could fry an egg on that thing". Meaning... my stomach is like iron... flat. My muscles are flat. On me, it almost looks unnatural. It is so completely obvious, I'd feel like an idiot for asking the surgeon. There's no reason to ask. Duh. Do you think?

That explains why I can't walk standing straight. Why I just stopped sleeping in our recliner lounger. Why I needed narcotics for two weeks for pain... it's a deep inside pain, muscle not skin. Why the thought of going without my binder for support is beyond scary. It's all adding up. The visual only confirmed it.

Good news... I'm at my pre op weight. 181 this morning. Still waiting for more swelling to go down so I can see the skin and fat loss on the scale. It's mine damn it, and I want to see it! Today I am wearing a dress I bought wishfully during the fall...now that I'm pooch free, I can wear anything I want. This is weird and wonderful.

DANGER! ALERT! ALERT!

I am so happy to be back at work. As much as I love having time off... it's dangerous to my health. Specifically, my weight! I have made it clear that I'm not dieting? But, I may not have made it clear that I'm not stupid (well, most of the time). Lots of time at home + a variety of chips and sweets in the pantry = unnecessary temptation. I discovered myself foraging for foods that had been staples in my pantry, that until this prolonged time at home, had absolutely no effect on me. I did fine calorie wise, not enough to gain, but definitely not enough to lose. And, I found myself falling into old and concerning snackiness. Watching television and eating snacks is a weighty combination. Today, my schedule and way of life are back to normal. I'm a good little eater when I'm at work! There's little temptation to make poor or excessive choices. When I get home tonight, I will be too busy to watch tv and eat junk. Just in case, I disposed of any and all foods that might call to me in a snacky way. I think that you can take the fat off of the girl, but she's still a fat girl. This is something I am going to have to watch for the rest of my life. I'm grateful for the help of my band, but I'm still me. A much improved version of me... physcially. And, mentally... I'm also much better. I'm recognizing more, and trying to be honest about what I'm doing in order to get a realistic grip on this weight issue for the rest of my life. I'm really happy to have this sense of control physically and emotionally. I AM doing this!

Hunch Back

I can't stand up straight yet. But, I still love these pictures! My daughter looked so beautiful last night... life is so amazing sometimes. It was really important for her to have these memories. I had to encourage her to go and that she would regret not having lived this moment of her life. She's trying to be all practical, which is necessary and good, but so is living your life to it's fullest and having no regrets. She and her boyfriend have some early obstacles, but to me that means they need to be extra careful to live life to the maximum. Last night was fabulous all the way around.

Back to my hunch back status...two steps forward, one step back is where I'm at recovery wise after my tummy tuck. I go back to work tomorrow. Not sure if it's time... but not much choice. Drains should come out on Wednesday. I'm still wearing my binder, and am keeping my incisions dressed. Narcotics are not needed as much... I'm truly relieved my doctor took this pain seriously. The thought of having to white knuckle it this week was more depressing than I want to explain. Doctors here are so afraid of prescription drug abuse, that many of them let true pain go rampant. That is exactly what happened with my Fibromyalgia, so I've got some "issues" about that. This is turning out well, though. I know I keep mentioning it, but it is surreal to be where I'm at in this process. I'm still trying to process it.

Today, we have snow again. WTF? We've got amazing pizza as leftovers, and we're just going to watch movies in our pj's and snack all day. Have I mentioned that I love my band? Lately? I can't even eat an entire piece of this heavenly concoction of Italian delight... I'm so full and satisfied. Today is one of those days where I feel like life just doesn't get any better than this. The couch is calling me, and I think the fireplace is asking to be turned on, and there are several movies softly enticing me... even a hunch back girl can be happy...